Sorry about the delay with the editing. I can only get to it when I have time to do it.
The AAR is quite long, so I'll try to do a couple entries per day.
Editors Note
Berlin April 1939 (Episode 3)
Officers and staff were seated around the table looking at the RISK board in quiet debate.
Guderian: You know, if we send our forces to South America and conquer it, we get two free armies each turn.
von Manstein: No, we’re better off going for Australia. Not only do we get two free armies but also the only way the allies can invade is through Siam.
Rommel: What about Africa?
Guderian and von Manstein looked at each other and snickered: Rookie.
Guderian: Everyone knows that Africa is about just as hard to capture and hold as Asia.
von Manstein: A total waste of resources to send our forces there. (says with a nod)
Rommel: Oh… (looks downcast)
Hitler: All right everyone let’s get things started. Let’s recap on everything that’s happened these past three years. Guderian, why don’t you start?
Guderian: Well, the first on our new Panzer divisions are starting to make their way through the assembly line. (pulls out the designs and lays them out on the table) Here she is, Germany’s Advance Medium 70mm Tank the Panzer IV. Isn’t she a beauty?
The room went quiet with awe.
Rommel: I just messed myself…
von Manstein: That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. (Dabs the corner of his eyes with a handkerchief)
Hitler: What a work of German engineering! It’s like reinventing the wheel, but with sloped armor and a cannon.
Guderian: Yup, thanks to flogging our scientists day and night, we blazed through the tech tree to these babies. I already queued up 36 divisions for production, with Engineering Brigades.
Hitler: Bless you my son! Who’s next? Kluge?
von Kluge: Our Infantry divisions are up to snuff now with new artillery techs and doctrines. The new sub-machine guns shoot lots of bullets and make the neatest sound. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!! (sprays the room with the imaginary stein in his hands) With the discovery of Nylon, my men are now all warm and fuzzy decked out in their winter gear so we don’t have to worry about the cold too much. Oh, I’ve also added 9 new mountaineering divisions to the build queue. They’ll definitely come in handy since tanks can't climb up mountains and regular infantry have a tendency of falling off the peaks when defenders are shooting at them.
Hitler: Cool beans! Goering, what do you have to say for your self?
Goering: Mmmm… beans. I mean, uh… Well We’ve upgraded our 7 pre war tac bombers to the new basic model giving them greater range and hitting power. And all our fighters have been updated to the new Basic MR fighters to defend our skys and do some ground support if need be. If I had a larger research budget we could have gone for Improved Tac bombers. But
nooooo… Guderian had to have his stupid tanks.
Guderian: Take that back! My tanks are not stupid! Planes are practically useless in HOI!
Goering: Not if you use Improved Tac in stacks of 12 or larger! They’ll wipe out any army.
Guderian: Yeah, but if they run into one measly fighter your pilots come running home to mommy!
Hitler: Boys, boys. Let’s calm down a bit. Who’s next now, ah yes, Admiral Raeder.
Raeder: Well um seeing as my allocated budget for the navy was a big whopping goose egg, the German navy is as pathetic now as it was three years ago with the exception of the completion of a new battleship.
Hitler: Gees, someone’s bitter.
Raeder: Sir if the British or the Americans declare war on us, Germany will need a navy to defend her coast.
Hitler: Raeder, Raeder, (shakes his head) Those British Limies are good in the water but put one on land and they’ll run like a Frenchman. An those American rednecks are so lazy that they’d more likely sit at home watching reality tv than deal with reality. In short, ignore their navies, cause they’ll be doing two things, jack and shi—
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer!
Hitler: Yes, what?
Ribbentrop: This is a PG AAR. We’ll have none of that harsh language affecting the minds of innocent young children.
Hitler: But I’m evil. Can’t I use foul language? Even a little?
Ribbentrop: Nope sorry. (shakes head)
Hitler: (sighs) Ok then. So what do you have to report then Ribbi?
Ribbentrop: (pulls out a list of papers) Well, France influenced Belgium. Then England influenced Belgium. Then Canada influenced Belgium.
Goering: Gosh, that Belgium sure gets around.
Hitler: Did Germany get to influence Belgium?
Ribbentrop: No.
Hitler: Slut!
Ribbentrop: Austria has decided to join the Third Reich. Since they missed joining the Second Reich they felt left out they joined us. Besides, everyone knows that the Fourth Reich are just a bunch of sissies.
Ribbentrop: Um… Czechoslovakia got tired of looking at their mountain provinces and gave them to us.
Ribbentrop: And lastly. Nationalist Spain lost the civil war to Liberal Spain. Then the Russians couped them and the communists took over, then Germany couped the communists and Spain is now back to being Fascist. The Spanish military is so confused that they’re running around surrendering to each other.
Hitler: Excellent… What about Poland and Danzig?
Ribbentrop: I’ve been trying damn hard to get her to give up her Danzig but she’s just one frigid country. I’ve tried sending flowers, chocolates even taking her out to a chick flick and dinner but she just won’t be influenced. Heck I even went through the trouble of calling her back the next day.
Hitler: Ah, well… she’s a dog any way. Keep it up though and maybe you’ll get lucky. You could always try tickling her ass with a feather.
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer! Language!
