The Rome-Berlin Axis.
Brenner Pass; May 3rd, 1939
**
Europe is
Rigid with FeAAR! Two of the world's top three crazy demented power-mongers are meeting at Brenner Pass (Stalin declined the invitation, he said there were too many officers left in the Red Army and it was urgent to remedy that).
The subject of their discussions? Nothing less than the Pact of Steel™, the ultimate plan for exports of Pizza and Sauerkraut all over the world. There was a clause for the exportation of other items like Black Shirts, Sicherheitsdienst offices and the like, but these are unimportant.
There was also something about Germany and Italy rampaging all over Europe and Africa with hordes of soldiers, masses of tanks and swarms of bombers, but we can't take such plans seriously. I mean, it's not like we were talking about the plans of men like Adenoid Hynkel or Benzino Napoloni - Great Dictators like these are truly to be feared.
Sadly the limited budget of this AAR did not permit us to hire them, so we'll have to make-do with the much less brilliant Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini. Nor could we pay for the food fight mentioned in the Pact of Steel, so we'll have to make-do with watching Göring eat the food.
**
On the German side of the border, Hitler, Göring and von Neurath are waiting for Mussolini to show up. Hitler paces up and down fretfully, Göring tries to ignore him and enjoy the sun and the warm spring, and Neurath keeps blabbering like he's senile - which he actually might be.
Hitler: He's late.
Göring: We know.
Neurath: Maybe there were traffic jams in the valley.
Göring: This is the 1930s, there aren't enough cars in a small mountain town like Bolzano for a traffic jam.
Neurath: Oh.
Hitler: He's late!
Göring: We
know.
Neurath: Maybe he had another engagement.
Göring, sarcastic: Something more important than a meeting with another head of state?
Hitler, panicking: HE'S LATE!
Göring, exasperated:
WE KNOW!
Hitler: HE'S LATE! HE'S LATE! HE'S LATE!
Göring: *sigh*
Neurath: Maybe he's been delayed because there's too much snow on his side.
Göring, sarcastic: Brilliant. I'm sunbathing on the northern side of the mountain and there's supposed to be a blizzard on the southern side. And then the readAARs say
I am the idiot.
Neurath, waspish: You
are an idiot, you can't sunbathe on the northern side of a mountain.
Göring: ...
Hitler: We've got no time for your dispute, guys! We must go and find Mussolini! He's going to be furious if we're late!
Göring: Now you're losing it.
Hitler: DAS IST EIN BEFEHL!
Göring walks over to the Führer, grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him for a while. Then he lets go.
Göring: Feeling better?
Hitler: Oh... Yes. Yes!
Göring: We are NOT going anywhere. If he wants to sign this Pact of Steel he'd better move his pompous ass, and if it's too big for his car to climb up this mountain he can walk here!
Hitler, laughing weakly: Thanks, Hermann. I'm so glad you're here.
Neurath: Why is he here, by the way? This is a foreign affair, we aren't going to bomb anybody.
Göring: I thought bombing people was a foreign affair. And I'm here because I'm bigger than Benito, and it's supposed to impress the Fascists.
Neurath: You don't impress me! And I'm a Fascist!
Göring: Ha! I bet they won't even hang you at Nuremberg!
Hitler, jumping: Ahhhh! I'm sorry! I didn't see you coming!
Mussolini: Adolf.
Hitler, cringing: ... Duce?
Mussolini, extending a hand: I'm glad to see you.
Hitler, shaking Mussolini's hand: The- the pleasure is all mine.
Mussolini: I'm sorry I was late. I had to do war.
Neurath, whispering: Psst... Mein Führer...
Hitler, ignoring Neurath: Do you- do you need Germany's help?
Mussolini: No. We are only at one with one Great Power. Italy's might will be more than enough.
Neurath: ... mein Führer!
Hitler: Shut up, you! Erm- sorry about that, Duce. Who are you attacking? France? England? Russia?
Mussolini: No, Albania.
Hitler: ...
Mussolini: I know, the war will be long and hard, but Italy will prevail.
Hitler, whispering: Was I really afraid of this retard?
Göring, whispering: You were.
Hitler, normally: Can I confer with my advisors, Duce?
Mussolini: Of course, Adolf.
The three Germans move a little farther.
Hitler: I feel like a complete idiot. And to think I was actually impressed by his performance in Ethiopia!
Göring, shrugging: Yeah, he looks scary, but all he does is talk.
Hitler: I see that now. YES, Neurath?
Neurath: Mein Führer, by the way, about Albania...
Hitler: Forget Albania, I'm interested in your opinion about Mussolini. Do you think he can be of any assistance to us in the war?
Neurath: None whatsoever, mein Führer.
Göring: Ally with him and next thing we know we'll have to save his butt in Greece and send Rommel at Benghazi.
Hitler: Who's Rommel?
Göring: He'll be a famous Panzer leader during the war.
Hitler: Never heard of him.
Göring: He's also the man in charge of your security.
Hitler: Ah. Hem. Okay, we're agreed we don't want to ally with Mussolini?
Göring: Sure.
Neurath: Definitely.
Hitler: Good. Let's make a fool of him.
The Germans go back to Mussolini.
Hitler: Ahem. My dear Duce, there was something else I wanted to talk about before we sign our Pact of Steel.
Mussolini: I listen, Adolf.
Hitler: It's about the Rome-Berlin Axis, actually.
Mussolini: It was a great idea. I listen, Adolf.
Hitler: Well, we've tried to send our engineers to build up the Axis on your side of the border.
Mussolini: You've tried to send engineers?
Hitler: Of course. To build a strong Rome-Berlin Axis we must improve the Infrastructure on the road between the two capitals. You seem to have trouble doing it on your side, so we're going to lend a hand.
Mussolini: Adolf. You cannot improve the Infrastructure in Italy, you do not control the provinces.
Hitler: Don't worry, I know a workaround.
Mussolini: WHAT???
Hitler: It's simple, really: you let me occupy a line of provinces between Innsbruck and Rome, I build the Infra up in these provinces and then we sign peace.
Mussolini: And what if I won't let you?
Hitler: Don't worry, I know a workaround.
Mussolini: And what is that workaround?
Hitler: I invade your country and I keep the provinces.
Mussolini: You invade my country?
Hitler: I invade your country.
Mussolini: You and what army?
Hitler: Whoops.
Göring: Now who's the fool?
Hitler: Oh, shut up.
Mussolini: I'll see you in Berlin! Bwahahahaha!
Mussolini walks away with an insane cackle, his black cape billowing behind him.
Yes, of course he's got a black cape and cackles insanely, he's a madman, and everybody knows madmen wear black capes and cackle insanely.
Hitler: I think we should take cover.
Göring: Don't worry, it's Italians on the other side of the border. Just pitch three guys armed with slings in front of one division and you'll halt its offensive.
Hitler: We're three, and I think there are slings in the train. We could do this on our own. Feeling up to a fight, Neurath?
Neurath: Fighting the Italians? Of course. It's not like we were actually going to the frontlines.
Hitler: Definitely not. Did you two like my idea about the Rome-Berlin Axis?
Göring: Yeah, it would have been brilliant if we'd had an army on the border.
Hitler: Bah, we'll get an army here.
Neurath: By the way... Mein Führer?
Hitler: Yes, what was it?
Neurath: You remember me trying to tell you something about Albania?
Hitler: Was it important?
Neurath: Rather important. You see, we guarantee the independence of Albania.
Hitler: Yes, I remember. And then? What about that?
Neurath: Mein Führer, we could have simply honored our guarantee and we'd have been at war with Italy.
Hitler: You mean we gained the 25 Threat of that DoW for nothing?
Neurath: Yep.
Hitler: Now I feel like a fool.
**
And so a real war begins... and none of you said it would be against Italy
Dear readAARs, we didn't guarantee Albania just because it could be funny
Is Hitler going to regret his DoW? Or is Göring right not to be afraid of the Italians? Watch with wonder as the Regio Esercito achieves a military success unmatched in history and Germany is invaded by the Italian hordes... in our next update!
