The Führer Goes Nuts!

[Enewald]

Well, all I can say is nothing big happened during 37.
Really.

I have posted here before.

SS keeping an eye on Hitler?
Hmm... so many men in one room... no females around... I'm scared. Hitler ought to be also, as it seems everyone loves him...

 

[NilsS]

Ha! You just want to lure the lurkAARs out of their caves and turn them into contributing readAARs.

I am afraid that I can not let you do that and I have hereby revealed your plan to the public!

 

[Lordban]

No man can withstand the full force of Il Duce!

I'll hold judgment until we've seen how Italy performs during the war

:rofl:

Sounds "as nutty as squirrel poo," but I can't wait.

Mhh, maybe the squirrel would be good company for Göring's hamster.

Il Duce ... the Man of Steel. Now this truly IS an alternate universe.

You need a Man of Steel to sign a Pact of Steel.

Where's the update? :wacko:

Also, I dunno how it is with you (I guess you get the tones of gray usual for HoI forums) but for me the HoI3 AAR forum is in the tones of blue native to EU for some reason, so I caught on to your game immediately.

Disqualified for blatant cheating!

Oh wait, I should be disqualifying the boards, and Kallocain would never let me do that

Well, all I can say is nothing big happened during 37.
Really.

I have posted here before.

SS keeping an eye on Hitler?
Hmm... so many men in one room... no females around... I'm scared. Hitler ought to be also, as it seems everyone loves him...

What do you mean, nothing interesting happened during 1937? I haven't even written a single update about what happened in 1937!

You will have a fair chance next time, I promise

Ha! You just want to lure the lurkAARs out of their caves and turn them into contributing readAARs.

I am afraid that I can not let you do that and I have hereby revealed your plan to the public!

Plan? What plan? I needed an ending for that chapter, that's all

Welcome, and congratulations! You are offered a unique chance to decisively impact the course of the coming war! If you so desire, you will rule the decisions German cabinet as they deploy their IN-vincible Might in preparation for the war of May 1939 (with only the exception of the SS divisions, Himmler doesn't like letting other men play with his toys )

I'll be posting detailed information about Germany's land, naval and air assets as of April 1st, 1939, and you'll be free to discuss strategy with everybody in this thread, but you'll be the only one allowed to give orders to the commanders. There's a catch, though: I won't tell you which country I'll be DoWing on May 1st

Do you feel up to the challenge?

 

[Gankenstein]

:rofl: The Nazis wish to annex AARLand? They want Schreibensraum? I guess we can expect the Stukas any moment now. And they are certainly going to change the rules regarding what is mentionable and which symbols can be displayed.

Re: Hitler's sexual prefs (if he had any), if one reads Speer's & Col. Pyatnitski's accounts of how Hitler dealt with Röhm it appears that strong emotions und perhaps jealousy influenced that incident.

 

[Raaritsgozilla]

Heh... I liked that. Yes I did get sucked in. That sucks

 

[unmerged(46967)]

Wonder how this will turn out

 

[NilsS]

Do you feel up to the challenge?

Of course! The Reich will prosper and grow under my glorious and skilled ... troop deployment!

 

[Lordban]

Of course! The Reich will prosper and grow under my glorious and skilled ... troop deployment!

I'm going ahead with that game right now, I think you'll have something to work with by Thursday. Prepare to be surprised

:rofl: The Nazis wish to annex AARLand? They want Schreibensraum? I guess we can expect the Stukas any moment now. And they are certainly going to change the rules regarding what is mentionable and which symbols can be displayed.

Re: Hitler's sexual prefs (if he had any), if one reads Speer's & Col. Pyatnitski's accounts of how Hitler dealt with Röhm it appears that strong emotions und perhaps jealousy influenced that incident.

Hitler: Nazis wish to annex EVERYTHING. We will paint the world in Gray, and that Gray will not be Finland!

(Now there's an idea for an AAR... Play Germany, launch invasions only through Finland and give them control of all of Europe, Asia and Africa )

Heh... I liked that. Yes I did get sucked in. That sucks

Are you implying that I am a sucker, sir?

Wonder how this will turn out

Badly. Madly. Whatever, I don't care as long as readAARs are having fun

 

[Lordban]

Whoops.

The Reichskanzlei, Hitler's bedroom. Jul. 1st, 1937; 03:35.



**​

It is a fair summer night in Berlin. The stars glitter in the skies above the quiet Reichskanzlei. Only a few members of personel and the ever-watchful men of the LSSAH move in the quiet corridors. These go about their business silently, ever respectful of the sleep of their glorious Führer. Adolf Hitler is enjoying his well-deserved rest, lying contentedly side-by-side with his beautiful companion Eva Braun under soft silken sheets.


The only reason why I drew this idyllic picture was to shatter it: I seem to remember Hitler saying this was "his" AAR, and no decent writAAR can let his characters entertain this kind of delusion. It is therefore time for us to remind the Führer he's been screwing things up since the beginning of this AAR. Royally.


Neurath bangs loudly on the bedroom door: Mein Führer! Mein Führer! MEIN FÜHRER!

Eva Braun, groaning: Mmmhhh... I want to sleep...

Neurath: MEIN FÜHRER! MEIN FÜHRER!

Eva Braun: Adolf, make that man shut up, please...

Hitler, grumbling: I can't.

Neurath: MEIN FÜHRER! MEIN FÜHRER!

Eva Braun: Adolf, please, ask one of your guards to shoot that man, I want to sleep.

Hitler: I can't. He's my Foreign Minister.

Eva Braun: Can't you at least have him tortured?

Neurath: MEIN FÜHRER! MEIN FÜHRER!

Hitler, growling: If he hasn't got a really good excuse I swear I will.

Eva Braun, smiling: He's such a nice boy.


Hitler gets up, puts some clothes on and goes to the door.

Hitler: Why are you waking me up in the middle of the night? Are we at war?

Neurath: Nein, mein Führer.

Hitler: WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP, THEN, YOU BLOODY SON OF A NON-ARYAN?

Neurath: Because we aren't at war, Mein Führer.

Hitler: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Neurath: Mein Führer, you ordered me to guarantee the borders of Nationalist China.

Hitler: OF COURSE I DID!

Neurath: You said it was to profit from a Japanese declaration of war to get free IC and get rid of Consumer Good demand at very little risk to Germany, boosting our economy by about 5 IC-Schachts.

Hitler: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH THAT?

Neurath: Mein Führer, Japan has declared war on the Chinese.

Hitler, suddenly confused: Wait a minute, you said we weren't at war. How come we didn't honor our GoI on China?

Neurath: The Japanese didn't declare war on Nationalist China, mein Führer. They declared war on Shanxi.

Hitler, to one of his guards: Scharführer, arrest this man and hand him over to Himmler.

Neurath: MEIN FÜHRER! Please! You must listen!

Hitler: I bloody well won't! The Japanese will DoW Nationalist China within a couple of hours, we'll honor our GoI and my Hitlervellian plan to game our Industrial Capacity will work perfectly!

Neurath, getting dragged away by the Scharführer: But mein Führer! The Japanese can't DoW the Nationalists!

Hitler: I'm through with you. I'm going back to bed.

Neurath: MEIN FÜHRER! The Nationalists honored their Defensive Alliance and are at war with Japan. The Japanese can't DoW them!


The Scharführer stops dragging Neurath. Hitler stops thinking he's brilliant.


Hitler: Scharführer, un-arrest this man.

Neurath, cravenly: Thank you mein Führer! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Hitler: You're lucky I didn't listen to Eva.

Neurath: Why, mein Führer?

Hitler: Because I couldn't have ordered this guy to un-kill you, that's why.

Neurath: Eep!

Hitler: And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hang myself.

**​

Yep, Hitler really screwed royally with this one. The Nationalists were annexed on Dec. 1st, not that Germany would have helped them.

And this isn't the end of the story: not learning from his mistakes, he forgot to guarantee Communist China and the other Chinese minors, meaning he missed the DoW on the Reds on Dec. 28th, which would still have gained him some time. Finally, on Jan. 2nd, 1938, the Führer remembered he had a brain and guaranteed the remaining minors, Guangxi Clique and Yunnan, and also guaranteed Tibet just in case. German priests and pastors have been ordered to pray for a Japanese DoW on one of those countries during mass, utterly confusing their parishioners.

Germany lost at least 85 additional usable IC for more than six months, which would have been enough to allow for the training of 8 full divisions and starting to train a further batch of 10. Considering that the German division count in July 1937 was a whopping 16, those additional divisions would certainly have helped

 

[Gankenstein]

German priests and pastors have been ordered to pray for a Japanese DoW on one of those countries during mass, utterly confusing their parishioners.

I wonder why Dolfy didn't order the German rabbis also. He must have been mad.

 

[unmerged(63715)]

Germany lost at 85 additional usable IC for more than six months, which would have been enough to allow for the training of 8 full divisions and starting to train a further batch of 10. Considering that the German division count in July 1937 was a whopping 16, those additional divisions would certainly have helped

It is all part of a bigger plan ... at least Goebbels assured me so.

 

[Myth]

Oooh missteps there. Yeah the China situation is a bit shit, with them all hunkidorily allied to each other in the most boring way.

 

[Enewald]

You should have DOWed Tibet.
They are scary.

 

[gigau]

[...]Finally, on Jan. 2nd, 1938, [...]

Oh ! so, the year 1936 will end after all ! :rofl:


Tough luck... AI totally disregards your ideas and plans...

 

[Lordban]

I wonder why Dolfy didn't order the German rabbis also. He must have been mad.

I thought he was?

It is all part of a bigger plan ... at least Goebbels assured me so.

Trust Goebbels. He knows

Oooh missteps there. Yeah the China situation is a bit shit, with them all hunkidorily allied to each other in the most boring way.

Hitler: What missteps? It all went according to plan!

You should have DOWed Tibet.
They are scary.

In July 1937 I had something like 48 Neutrality. Either I had that Threat value on them (and had long since been DoWed by the Allies with no army to defend my borders ) or they had that value on me - and it's hard to get Tibet's threat on a European country that high in 18 months

Oh ! so, the year 1936 will end after all ! :rofl:


Tough luck... AI totally disregards your ideas and plans...

'course it has ended. One whole year ago, in fact!

AI keeps screwing things up, and DiDay's mod does that too. I had almost accepted that agreement to purchase Swedish steel when I realized it would give me a Non-Aggression Pact with Paradox Entertainment, and we can't have that with the mess Johan has been doing with the weather.

 

[Gankenstein]

I thought he was?

I thought so too...I must have been trolling.:wacko:

 

[Lordban]

Diplomatic update.

Since I already have a pretty good idea of how the diplomatic situation is shaping for May 1939, and since a bit of speculation on what country I could possibly attack will help NilsS decide where to send the Wehrmacht, here is a presentation of all the European countries who either have a land border with me or are within range of military landing craft (500 km.) and can be DoWed by Germany on May 1st, 1939. Among those is the country the Reich will be going to war with. It's up to you to guess which one it is


Sweden:

• Troop Strength: Estimated to be very low
• Naval Strength: Several pre-Dreadnaught equivalents
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 6 Metal / day
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Our Casus Belli on them: Paradox Entertainment; Good-looking girls to please the readAARs
• Hitler's view on them: The Swedes refused to sell us steel, and they harbor a whole crowd of dangerous terrorists. We must teach them a lesson!

Finland:

• Troop Strength: Estimated to be around 15 divisions
• Naval Strength: Very low
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 2 Metal / day
• The countries who would defend them: General Winter. Too bad it's spring.
• Hitler's view on them: They would make a nice buffer between us and the Soviet Union.

The Soviet Union:

• Troop Strength: Insanely high but demobilized. Well over 100 and probably around 200
• Naval Strength: Several Great War battleships; large numbers of Submarines
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 111 Metal & 92 Rare Materials / day ; Selling 104 Supplies / day
• The countries who would defend them: They don't need help
• Our Casus Belli on them: We don't need a Casus Belli. They're Bolsheviks, damn it!
• Hitler's view on them: *frothes at the mouth and starts eating the carpet*

Estonia:

• Troop Strength: 5-10 divisions
• Naval Strength: Negligible
• The countries who would defend them: None.
• Our Casus Belli on them: This appetizing AAR. We want to offer the writAAR full-time employment in the new Reichskanzlei's kitchens.
• Hitler's view on them: We must protect them from Stalin: we'll invade before he does!

Latvia:

• Troop Strength: Maybe 5 divisions
• Naval Strength: Negligible
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Hitler's view on them: We must protect them from Stalin: we'll invade before he does!

Lithuania:

• Troop Strength: Maybe 5 divisions; 1 Infantry division on the border
• Naval Strength: Negligible
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Our Casus Belli on them: Memel
• Hitler's view on them: We will NOT let them keep our city!

Poland:

• Troop Strength: Estimated between 30 and 45 divisions; 18 Infantry Divisions, 2 Cavalry divisions and 1 Armored Train on our border
• Naval Strength: Several Submarine & Destroyer Flotillas
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 3 Metal / day; Selling 10 Supplies / day
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Our Casus Belli on them: Danzig, its corridor, and a number of former Prussian territories
• Hitler's view on them: They look strong but they'll hide beneath the skirts of Mother Britain as soon as we annex Prague. We must NOT allow this to pass.

Czechoslovakia:

• Troop Strength: Estimated around 30 divisions; 21 divisions on the border, 12 Infantry, 3 Mountain, 5 L-ARM/CAV, 1 Motorized, along with 1 Armored Train
• The countries who would defend them: Read up on the Munich Conference!
• Our Casus Belli on them: The Sudetenland; we feel threatened by them
• Hitler's view on them: We'll isolate them from England and France and then crush them in five days

Hungary:

• Troop Strength: Around ten divisions
• Naval Strength: 1 Admiral; 1 clipper fleet on Lake Balaton
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 4 Metal / day
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Hitler's view on them: We'd like to seize Romania's oil fields, and they're in the way

Italy:

• Troop Strength: Maybe 60 Divisions, with 40-50 on the mainland and including at least 10 Militia-equivalent divisions; 12 Divisions on the border, 5 Infantry, 4 Mountain, 3 Semi-Motorized (MOT/CAV formations), 1 supporting brigade (probably Artillery)
• Naval Strength: At least 4 Battleships, 50-70 smaller units
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Our Casus Belli on them: We signed the Pact of Steel. Seriously, Germany attack Italy???
• Hitler's view on them: Mussolini scares me

Switzerland:

• Troop Strength: Roger Federer; Extensive fortifications in the Alps; 10-15 Divisions, of which 1 Infantry, 1 Alpine and their support Brigades are on the border
• Naval Strength: Are you kidding? This is Switzerland!
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 6 Iron / day
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Our Casus Belli on them: Roger Federer; they make good chocolate
• Hitler's view on them: There are Germanic people waiting for liberation in this country!

France:

• Troop Strength: Maginot Line; at least 60 divisions, of which 8 Infantry divisions are on the border
• Naval Strength: 1 Carrier (slightly out-dated), 5 old Battleships, at least 1 modern Battlecruiser, 50-80 minor units
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 14 Metal / day; Selling 15 Supplies / day
• The countries who would defend them: England, Canada
• Our Casus Belli on them: Elsass-Lothringen. It'd be pretty cool to own the Parisian Cabarets too.
• Hitler's view on them: I hate them. As soon as I can we'll prove the whole world they're cheese-eating surrender monkeys. We shall bring them Freedom Fries!

Luxemburg:

• Troop Strength: 750 Soldiers in a demobilized INF brigade; 12.000 officers to give them orders (4 HQ's thanks to 1.4! )
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 1 Metal / day
• The countries who would defend them: England, France
• Our Casus Belli on them: They're neutral
• Hitler's view on them: I'd hate to see a single blue province in the middle of our gray blob

Belgium:

• Troop Strength: Forts system aimed at Germany; around 10 Demobilized divisions; 5 formations on the border, mixed force of Infantry, Cavalry & Motorized Infantry
• Naval Strength: Small colonial fleet
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 4 Metal / day
• The countries who would defend them: England, France
• Our Casus Belli on them: 72.000 Germans in Eupen
• Hitler's view on them: They're on the road to France

Netherlands:

• Troop Strength: Estimated around 15 Demobilized divisions, of which 8 Infantry on our border
• Naval Strength: Solid colonial fleet; several submarine flotillas
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 6 Metal / day ; Selling 20 Supplies / day
• The countries who would defend them: England, France
• Hitler's view on them: They have nice airports for the Luftwaffe and a sheltered position for a fleet gathering to invade England

The British Empire:

• Troop Strength: Negligible; subject to change on mobilization
• Naval Strength: At least 5 Fleet carriers and 12 Battleships; 120+ small units
• Our trade deals with them: Selling 20 Supplies / day
• The countries who would defend them: France
• Our Casus Belli on them: Their cuisine is awful
• Hitler's view on them: England is a frigid girl: we keep doing our best to befriend her and she keeps slapping us in the face

Denmark:

• Troop Strength: Less than 5 Divisions; 1 Infantry division on our border
• Naval Strength: 1 pre-Dreadnaught equivalent, several flotillas
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Our Casus Belli on them: Their position in the Baltic
• Hitler's view on them: It'll be over within a day!

Norway:

• Troop Strength: Estimated to be less than 5 divisions
• Naval Strength: Maybe 2 pre-Dreadnaught equivalents and a few flotillas
• Our trade deals with them: Buying 6 Iron / day
• The countries who would defend them: None
• Hitler's view on them: They're in a pretty convenient position from which to invade Britain and Sweden. We want their heavy water for our production of fuzzy dice.

EDIT - Not sure I'll meet the Thursday deadline for the OOB, Firefox had the sensible idea of crashing just as I was previewing the two updates I've been writing tonight and I want to rewrite at least one tomorrow morning

 

[Myth]

I'd say that you'd be insane to attack the Soviet Union or any of the Allies or their neighborly states (IE the Low Countries). Italy isn't really the nicest place for mobile formations, so I'd strike that out. Invading (any of) the Baltics would probably piss the Soviets off, but would place your forces very close to Leningrad, though on the downside this would necessarily widen your future front with the SU. Switzerland isn't good mobile country either. It'd have to be either Scandinavia or Central/Central-Southeastern Europe (Czechoslovakia or Hungary). Or Poland, take them out before alliance between it and the Allies.

Hmmm...

 

[CatKnight]

Sweden! Those Paradoxians must be stopped!

 

[Gankenstein]

You have left Ireland off the list. That tells me who you'll be attacking.