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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Lordban

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The year is 1936.


Adolf Hitler has been the German Chancellor for three years. During this time, the Nazis have established a totalitarian regime in Germany, and they have begun rearmaments efforts at an accelerated rate.


Europe worries. The French hide behind their forts, the British huddle on their Islands, the Czechs and Slovaks imitate the French with worse fortifications and less wine, and the Russians don't do anything, they're busy enough with their homegrown crazy dictator.


These are dark times for Europe, and one hardly sees how they could get worse.



Well, you'd be wrong to think so. After all, wanting to control all of Germany and all of its armies all of the Nazi party all of the time is a bit hard on your brain. And you don't even get extra cookies.



So what had to happen happens:




The Führer Goes Nuts!
(and he's contagious)

Happy20Cat.jpg


Whoops, wrong Führer.

Better fix that before Adolf notices.




The Führer Goes Nuts!
(and he's contagious)

FGNTTL.gif







Wait, it could be "The Furry Goes Nuts!"

Sounds cool

FGN001.jpg



*purrrrrrr*

Mein Furry, your dialogue sucks

FGN002.jpg



On second thought we'll stick with the original. He talks nonsense but at least he TALKS

*FFFFT!*

Outch! And he hasn't got claws!

Go away! Stupid cat!

AWAY I SAID!!! :mad:



 

Lordban

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Hello!

As you will have guessed, you've just stumbled on a totally non-serious AAR. And I've got worse news: the game it's based on will be just as stupid.

Anything might happen. ANYTHING! Really.

I even have AAR rules. And don't tell me it's a Paradox, I'll take it up to BiB and Castellon, and even Fredrik if I have to!


AAR Rules:

> Game is HoI3 1.1c Normal/Normal; it might change on a whim - odds are I'll roll a die before a few sessions and start them with random new parameters, and even patch the game if the newer version can still load my save. If it's possible at all, I could even roll back versions.

> I will play with a strategy, but some of its moves will be completely stupid. You'll quickly see one of them.

> I could save and reload. I've no idea where this game is going and no way of knowing, the AI might do anything and very stupid things could happen.

> I will not listen to sense: the Führer IS Nuts!

> I might mod things in and out. Things bigger than a cat.

> Any silly ideas are welcome. Who knows, I might use them!


Also featuring an update by NilsS. There may be other guest authors in this AAR!




**​


Index:

Prologue: See above.

Chapter 1: Decisions, decisions.
Chapter 2: Democracy at work.
Chapter 3: Administrative Genius.
Chapter 4: Eh, not so fast!
Chapter 5: Blame Canada.
Chapter 6: Nothing happens.
Chapter 7: Spanish Business-As-Usual.
Chapter 8: Problem Solver.
Chapter 9: Thanks for nothing.
Chapter 10: Good boy. I mean, Good Fascist.
Chapter 11: Blank update. Because I was lazy.
Chapter 12: Whoops.
Chapter 13: World News, 1938 Edition.
Chapter 14: Democracy, Nazi-style.
Guest Chapter 1: The War Cabinet, by NilsS.
Chapter 15: The Rome-Berlin Axis.
Chapter 16: Benito Attacks! (Like an Italian).
Chapter 17: Panzer Generals.

Index. Just in case you got lost.




**​
 
Last edited:

L Lawliet

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> Any silly ideas are welcome. Who knows, I might use them!

This is more stupid then silly but try this: Use only militias as an armed land force, constantly research improvements and doctrines for them.
 

Myth

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Nonsense! Nonsense is always an excellent form of, uhh, something or another. Despite its likely deleterious effects on my already dilapidating mental stability I will follow this! :D
 

Lord Martin

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Sense is overrated!

Conquer all nations with a "S" in it´s name!! :D
 

Lordban

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This is more stupid then silly but try this: Use only militias as an armed land force, constantly research improvements and doctrines for them.

Ohhh, Röhm would have loved that idea!
He would also have hated explaining Hitler exactly how and why he'd have screwed up so badly :D


Nonsense! Nonsense is always an excellent form of, uhh, something or another. Despite its likely deleterious effects on my already dilapidating mental stability I will follow this! :D

Mental stability? Does one actually need that?


Sense is overrated!

Conquer all nations with a "S" in it´s name!! :D

That makes the "United States" doubly evil, they have two "S". But the "Union of Socialist Sovietic Republics" are even worse, they have four!

Will make a list and keep that idea in mind. Thanks :)


Make the head of the UK the second picture and make its flag the first. Also rename it the “United Kingdom of Ladybirds”
http://img15.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=ladybugq.png

If you can change all the units to ladybirds.

Whoa, I had no idea Hitler's affliction had crossed the North Sea before the first post!


Mod in the P-1000 "Ratte" and P-1500 "Monster" with realistic values (attack values like light armour, IC and supply costs like a battleship) and build them in large quantities.

I aim to have a LOT of IC at some point. Landbound SHBBs might end up rolling off the production lines ;)
 

Myth

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Mental stability? Does one actually need that?
Depends on how well one can fake it. :D
 

coz1

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This AAR sounds nuts. :p But the kitty is cute. I think he should take over for Hitler. :D

Good luck!
 

Buckley

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You're a witch! and I'm subscribed!:D
 

Lordban

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It was me who spread it to Germany in the first place :D

Don't even DREAM of getting copyright fees! :mad:


Oooh I like nuts :D

Wishlist: airborne spam, and sub-spam.

I really need the means to build quite a lot of spam :D


Depends on how well one can fake it. :D

Just pretend!


This AAR sounds nuts. :p But the kitty is cute. I think he should take over for Hitler. :D

Good luck!

He might put in another appearance ;) Thanks!
(I'm going to need it... :p )


You're a witch! and I'm subscribed!:D

Thanks, and welcome on board!


Meow! I'm in! :)

Only if you leave your claws at the front door! :mad:
 
Last edited:

Fulmen

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Europe worries. The French hide behind their forts, the British huddle on their Islands, the Czechs and Slovaks imitate the French with worse fortifications and less wine, and the Russians don't do anything, they're busy enough with their homegrown crazy dictator.

LOL! :rofl:
 

Lordban

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Decisions, decisions

Berlin, the Reichskanzlei. Jan 1st, 1936, 01:00.



**​


Ten men are sitting around a table. None of them are partying, they're just seated in front of folders full of dull documents and reports which don't really make sense.

They're pissed. You would be too if your boss had summoned you to a planning session on New Year's Eve.

Only Rudolf Hess doesn't look upset. He's furiously scribbling notes and shoots furtive glances at the other men every five seconds or so, to make sure they're not copying.


Enters a bad Austrian painter with a moustache. He's sulking.


FGN003.jpg

The German War Cabinet. The people that matter, if you prefer. And Rudolf Hess.


Hitler puts on his glasses and starts reading his notes.

Hitler: We are gathered today to celebrate the union of...

Neurath: ...mein Führer?

Hitler: What the hell? This paper is classified supremely-top-secret until March 13th, 1938! LAMMERS!!!

Voice from off-stage: He made me do it!

Hitler calms down instantly: Oh, that's OK, then. *clears his throat* I had a dream today!

Canaris: When did you sleep today? It's two minutes past midnight!

Hitler grumbles: Right, I had a dream yesterday.

Fritsch: Was it a nice dream?

Hitler: No, I was talking with a weird Swedish bloke who called himself Johan, and he said every government in every country in the world would start taking big decisions at 00:00 GMT on New Year's Eve.

Von Neurath: So that's why you told us to come at 1 AM.

Hitler: Yes, time zones.

Von Neurath: And they're really meeting?

Canaris: Yes. I've sent agents all over the world, and they confirmed it. Even the government of Tibet are meeting, and that's just six people and a yak.


yak.jpg

A former member of the Tibetan cabinet, recently put to grass.


Frick: So basically we're having a planning session on New Year's Eve because TIBET prepare for war? Is that why you took me away from my wife and children?

Göring mumbles: ...and from those two cute girls at Madame Kitty's...

Frick, doing his best to ignore Göring: Civilized men NEVER work on New Year's Eve.

Hitler: We're Nazis.

Beck, whispering to Canaris: We're Nazis?

Canaris, whispering back: Just pretend.

Frick: If this meeting is not adjourned, I'll quit being a minister!

Hitler: Fine, I was going to fire you anyway.

Frick: Eh?

Hitler: You scare the people in our occupied provinces.

Frick: We don't even occupy ONE province.

Hitler: That's about to change.

Hess stops scribbling. He stares at Frick and growls.

Hitler: It's alright, Rudolf. The bad man is leaving.

Frick: I AM NOT!

Hitler: I'll call the Police if you won't.

Frick: I'm the minister in charge of Police!

Gürtner: No, you're not.


FGN004.jpg

Franz Gürtner, Germany's new minister of Security. He actually does something useful.


Frick: Who is this guy?

Hitler: Quit pretending, he's been a minister since April 1932.

Frick: But he's not a Nazi!

Hitler: Just pretend.

Frick: This is unfair!

Hitler: It is. Now get out of here, we have work to do.


FGN005.jpg



Hitler: This is a map of Germany. I painted it myself.

Raeder, mumbling: We could have guessed.

Fritsch: Ohhh! Pretty colors!

Hitler scowls, and unfolds a real map.


FGN006.jpg



Hitler: And this is Europe. The light grey bits are us. I want the rest of that map painted in the same color.

Göring: Eh? How are the Finns going to conquer all that land?

Everybody else stares at Göring. Even Hess.

Göring: I mean, nobody could picture Finland invading big countries like, say, Italy.





Everybody keeps staring.


Hitler coughs: Erm, since we were discussing appointments...

Göring: Eh? I'm the greatest Chief the Luftwaffe ever had.

Hitler: It isn't a matter of skill, Hermann.

Beck, whispering: I wasn't aware of Göring having any skills.

Hitler: It's about the fact every Hearts of Iron comedy AAR which features you is full of bad jokes about how fat you are and how much you eat.

Göring: I'm not fat, I'm big boned!

Hitler: See what I mean? Next thing we know people will say you're responsible for the Consumer Goods bug in Patch 1.1 because you were eating all the extra CGs, and some people are actually crazy enough to write about you taken to a diet camp run by Slim-fast Specialists.

Göring: I use my "Ask-the-Audience" lifeline!

Hitler: You're breaking the Fourth Wall, Hermann.

Göring: That's a bit rich coming from you, Adolf.

Hitler, furious: Is it?

Göring: Talking about game patches sort-of shredded the Fourth Wall to tatters. And you're the guy who summoned us here because "the-lead-designer-at-Paradox-Interactive-told-me-so".

Everybody: The WHAT?

Göring: Johan. The guy you "dreamt" about, Adolf. He exists. I've met him.

Hitler, utterly confused: He does?

Göring: Yep, and I've met him. I've lived in Sweden, remember? So, I Ask the Audience!

Hitler: Is this your last word?

Göring: In your dreams, Adolf!

Hitler: FINE! This meeting is adjourned for the duration of the plebiscite!



**​



And so, poor Göring's fate is in your hands ;) It's up to you, I even have another minister who gives the exact same bonuses to switch him with :p

Credits due to Phargle, Le Ran and Rustican (I actually managed to pilfer stuff from all three in a single update!)
Credits also due to wolf1455 for the map of Italy. The image links to his thread in HoI3 GD :)
 
Last edited:

Lordban

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Fulmen, welcome on board!

... that was a SERIOUS description of the background story :(

Buckley, old ones are the best :D
 
Last edited:

Killerflood

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I almost died laughing from Hitler insulting Goring. You're so fat you're the reason consumer-goods is bugged!

Anyway, fire him in a humorous fasion then replace him with Herr Kitty von Katze.