The Führer Goes Nuts! (again)

[Lordban]

* *

Deep in the Bavarian Alps Hitler's private haven of Berchtesgaden stands proud and tall against the enemies of the Third Reich.

​

October 31st, 1937.

Kurt Schuschnigg arrives in front of Hitler's, er, villa. Hitler is waiting for him there, in the company of his precious guard dog Rudolf.

Schuschnigg: Nice place you've got here, Adolf.

Hitler: Well, I let Bormann run the place whichever way he liked, this is the result.

Schuschnigg: The style looks more like Himmler's. Very Castle Wolfenstein.

Hitler: Actually, it's modelled after Le Chuck's Fortress.

Schuschnigg: Le Chuck?

Hitler: Someone didn't play Monkey Island.

Schuschnigg: That would be because it comes out in 53 years. Are you sure this isn't a Castle Wolfenstein story?

Hess, rolling his eyes: Because a reference about a game coming out in 44 years is so much better.

Schuschnigg: Adolf started it.

Hitler: Who gave you permission to call me Adolf?

Schuschnigg: Me, since I've got the bigger army. By the way, awfully nice of you to finally accept to discuss how Austria is going to annex you.

Hitler, to Hess: He thinks he's going to annex us.

Hess: I don't think he's looked at his own border.

Schuschnigg: What's on my border?

Hitler: Manstein.

Schuschnigg: Manstein, Manstein, Manstein... You think you scare me with ONE general?

Hitler: Well, he's the guy who conquered Spain with a few hundred tinfoil panzers.

Schuschnigg: Hah! And this guy Manstein, how many divisions has he got?

Hitler: 22.

Schuschnigg: Huh.

Hitler: Yep.

Schuschnigg: You can't DoW me, though, you haven't justified a war.

Hitler: I don't need to DoW you.

Schuschnigg: Pretty sure you don't have 750K men in the field to do it by national focus.

Hitler: Pretty sure I do.

Schuschnigg: How did you manage that?

Hitler: 187 divisions.

Schuschnigg: You can't have 187 divisions!

Hitler: Well, 125 of those are GAR x 1 + MP garrisons, and 37 others are INF x 5 + AA border guards, but having them now means I won't need to worry about building them when I start invading people later.

Schuschnigg: How did you even manage to equip so many men?

Hitler: Actually, that's kinda why I need to Anschluss you, I could do with another 17 military factories right now.

Schuschnigg: Are you playing Germany or the Soviet Union?

Hess: Germany. Goebbels and I checked twice.

Hitler: So, Kurt?

Schuschnigg: Yes, Mister Hitler?

Hitler: Country?

Schuschnigg: Yes?

Hitler: Gimme.

Schuschnigg: Anything, Mister Hitler.

* *

Did anybody expect that not to happen? Will the Wehrmacht ever solve its equipment woes? Will I ever get tired of pilfering phargle's outro format? Don't find out in the next episode of The Führer Goes Nuts!, which will feature news about unimportant topics like Belgium, China and Hungary!​

 

[Lordban]

* *

Ladies and gentlemen, party comrades, my name is Adolf Hitler, and I will be your news anchor today.

The map above what Europe looks like in late 1937. The astute observer will have noted five things have changed since January 1936.

We've already talked about Spain, but that's old news. And in the "old news, kind-of" department, this happened:

This guy was a communist only three years back, I don't get how he ended up leading a fascist party.

I think everybody knows we annexed Austria. And Italy annexed Albania. I suppose annexing minors is the fashionable thing to do this time of year.

What definitely isn't fashionable is what is going on at our new neighbor's.

Romania decided it wanted a puppet Hungary at about the same time the Spaniards decided to have a chat about their own differences. Romania's invasion of Hungary goes just as well as it did in the fall of 1936. On the other hand, the Hungarian advance in the south is a fairly recent development.

Oh, and this happened:

I said "no". I'd rather like direct control of the Romanian oil fields, and Hungary is in the way, so I think I might just eat them both.

But that will have to wait, I have a great opportunity of playing "Good guy Hitler".

Belgium will soon need to be saved from Communism.

Elsewhere in the world, China decided attacking Japan was a good idea.

Japan agreed.

I'll finish with a bit of domestic news: I wanted to fire Schacht, since an event showed up about how he keeps complaining about Göring ruining the country, but then I noticed my choice was between keeping Schacht and losing 50 political power, and losing Schacht and losing 100 political power (+50 from the event, -150 for a new economy minister). It wasn't a tough choice.

Hopefully 1938 doesn't bring Doriot demanding the Rhineland. I'd rather avoid a war with France now.

At least I know one thing is going to happen next year.

Mussolini will be a jerk.

* *

Will Hitler finally shoot a minister? Will France declare war next year? Will anything interesting happen in Germany at all? Tune out to find in next time! (or vice versa).​

 

[stnylan]

Who needs equipment when one has cardbox boxes!

 

[Nuada Airgetlám]

Manstein comes through again!

A trick for those fadas/accents. Alt Gr + a vowel = that vowel plus a fada. Add shift for a capital.

 

[Lordban]

stnylan, I'll just throw counters at the Soviet Union when the time comes

Nuada Airgetlám, or I could cheat, type the beginning of a tag for you and just keep the accent! French laptop keyboard, though, that trick with Alt+Gr doesn't work And technically, Manstein didn't need to come through

 

[stnylan]

stnylan, I'll just throw counters at the Soviet Union when the time comes

Nuada Airgetlám, or I could cheat, type the beginning of a tag for you and just keep the accent! French laptop keyboard, though, that trick with Alt+Gr doesn't work And technically, Manstein didn't need to come through

Despite being British with a keyboard that looks British, I use the Danish keyboard layout (my wife is Danish). Makes all the accents and whatnot remarkakly easy, on the whole.

 

[Lordban]

Deep in the Bavarian Alps Hitler's private haven of Berchtesgaden plays host to a meeting of Europe's two most nefarious leaders...

* *
​

Hitler: Ah, Mister Chamberlain! Welcome to Berchtesgaden!

Chamberlain: Nice place you've got here. Castle Wolfenstein?

Hitler: Not again.

Chamberlain: I just meant, this is the perfect design to appease people who are getting a little too warlike.

Hitler: About that, there's a couple of small situations on my borders which could do with a judicious application of an appeasement policy.

Chamberlain: Yes, that situation in the Balkans is most unfortunate. What is important, however, is that you remain calm.

Hitler: Look, my three southern neighbors are involved in a single big war that includes five countries, I've got ample justification to be unhappy about that.

Chamberlain: It is a very unfortunate situation. Who could have foreseen that Italy's unwarranted hostility towards Greece would result in an alliance between Italy and Hungary, and that Yugoslavia would get involved by virtue of their own little Entente with Romania?

Hitler: Honestly, that's not what interests me. What I'd like to know is what Britain intends to do to help appease this situation. Are we going to try and get Mussolini and Szálasi to back down under threat of joint German-British intervention?

Chamberlain: That's really not a desirable option, Mister Hitler. You must understand that it is very important that you remain calm.

Hitler, grumbling: I am calm, I'm just surrounded by hostile countries. Poland's forming a Baltic Entente, Sweden is going into a Fascist Scandinavian resurgence, and France just annexed Wallonia and are rattling sabers demanding we cede them the Rhineland.

Chamberlain: That, too, is a most unfortunate development, Mister Hitler, but you must absolutely keep your nerves and remain calm, and refrain from any offensive actions.

Hitler: Wait a minute, most of my neighbors are going crazy expansionist and attacking each other, and I need to refrain from offensive actions?

Chamberlain: You must understand that the resurgence of Germany seriously upsets the balance on the continent, and we must ensure that the Third Reich ceases to make any more territorial demands of its neighbors.

Hitler: I can't even make any further demands, the National focuses will go to waste because I need to be at peace to complete them. And I'm too busy focusing on the Westwall anyway.

Chamberlain: Nevertheless, you should consider yourself warned that Britain really would rather not feel compelled by German ambitions to plunge the continent into another war.

Hitler: Hello? Italy-Hungary versus Greece-Yugoslavia-Rumania, that's a hundred million Europeans already in a war, and it will be two hundred million after I reject Doriot's ultimatum!

Chamberlain: Those are only secondary concerns. I must insist that what's most important to Britain is that you, Mister Hitler, remain calm.

Hitler: And I suppose you don't give a rat's ass about Japan puppeting China either.

Chamberlain: China is so far away...

Hitler: So let me get this right. If I start justifying a war to get other countries to calm the hell down, you're going to stop me?

Chamberlain: Obviously. We'll guarantee their independence, in the interest of stopping you from going to war.

Hitler: Did you miss the part where I told you I'm about to be declared war on anyway? I'll even give you the day the French will declare, it's July 20th 1938!

Chamberlain: It will likely be a slightly destabilizing event for peace in Europe. But remember, Mister Hitler. Remain calm.

Chamberlain leaves.

Hitler: 68 days to prepare for war, it's more than a year ahead of schedule, I've barely started ramping up my military industry, my equipment situation is an absolute nightmare...

Hitler: I can work with this.

* *​

But can Hitler really do it? Is this playthrough going to turn out so bad I'll be annexed as Germany before 1939? Or is France going to turn out to be, well, France in HoI4? Find out very soon, as in the next episode, we're going to war!​

 

[El Pip]

I'm glad to see Chamberlain isn't being distracted by German lies this time and is remaining focused on the important things. Lets be honest would anyone really miss Belgium? No, so Fascist France annexing bits of it seems entirely reasonable, whereas we know that Germany going off 'not being calm' is a much more serious prospect.

 

[Lordban]

El Pip, ... Hitler: I would miss Belgium.

 

[stnylan]

Well as they say, Keep Calm and Carry On

 

[Lordban]

stnylan,

Hitler: I'm glad you lifted any doubts as to your Britishness!

 

[Lordban]

* *
​

Every civilized country's generals tend to discuss strategy before going to war, and Germany counts as civilized (besides the whole Nazi thing). It goes double when a rookie General is appointed as leader of a Panzerarmee, and Germany has just bought a second one of those, placed under the command of a guy you probably never heard about. This guy and his illustrious predecessor go to inspect the newly formed divisions one summer morning on the Belgian French border.

Manstein: Ah, here's the commander in chief.

Random General: Fritsch is still in charge?

Manstein: Yup.

Random General: I thought he'd have been removed by event sometimes around February.

Manstein: Would you really rather have Hitler as GROFAZ?

Random General: Good point.

Fritsch: Ah, here you are, boys! Excellent! Let's begin!

Random General: Is he always this enthusiastic?

Manstein: If you want your old job back, I completely understand.

Fritsch: Ehem. I called you here to discuss a rather important matter.

Manstein: Do tell.

Fritsch: As it happens, you two are the first German generals who will command armored divisions in a real war against a major power-

Random General: I thought we were attacking France?

Manstein: I thought we were under attack?

Random General: Please, Doriot may be a Fascist, he's still French. He didn't have the balls to declare.

Manstein: Exactly why are we going to war, then?

Random General: Well, you know the Führer. If you tell him you're going to attack him and you don't, he attacks first.

Manstein: Tell me Hitler didn't declare war.

Random General: Hitler didn't declare war.

Fritsch: That's not true.

Random General, shrugging: He asked me to tell him.

Manstein: Did I miss something, or wasn't Hitler complaining to Chamberlain about not being ready for war at all in the last update?

Random General: Since when did Hitler start making rational decisions?

Fritsch: You seem very well informed about the Führer for a random general appointed to command his tanks.

Manstein: He's not a random general.

Fritsch: Who is he, then?

Manstein: Here's a picture of the guy who had been commanding Hitler's personal guard until two weeks ago. It should help you.

Fritsch: Is that guy supposed to be famous?

Rommel: Not yet, but I will be.

Manstein: I'm still the guy who conquered Spain in four months with three Panzerdivisions.

Rommel: Race you to Paris?

Manstein: You're on.

Fritsch: Actually, gentlemen, there's a tiny problem.

Rommel: Yes?

Fritsch: You see, Göring is in charge of industry, now, and he's not added a single factory line to tanks since 1936.

Rommel: I beg your pardon?

Manstein: You heard him right. Congratulations, you are now in charge of 9 divisions of cardboard boxes and 9 divisions of motorized infantry without trucks!

Rommel: Perfect. Meet you in Paris in 45 days.

Manstein: Wait for you there in 40.

Fritsch: You two are not seriously going to attack the biggest and baddest army in Europe with barely formed, green and completely underequipped divisions?

Rommel and Manstein exchange a look.

Manstein: Race is totally on.

* *

Who will win, Manstein or Rommel? Or will Gamelin manage to bog them down? Hell, will he beat them to Berlin? Stay tuned and find out Soon™!​

 

[stnylan]

Ok, I just have to wonder now will there be a "stop order"? That would be hilarious.

More hilarious.

 

[Nuada Airgetlám]

Chamberlain is being a damn sight savvier than in OTL. I approve!

 

[El Pip]

It is nice to see that, no matter what else changes in the game and how wildly things deviate from history, the French remain French at all times. Re-assuring.

 

[Lordban]

stnylan, find out soon

Nuada Airgetlám, I wish he'd been actually savier than in OTL World Tension hit 100% in February 1938, the UK had laid down 0 guarantees at that point...

El Pip, you don't say...

 

[Lordban]

**
​

Date: Sept. 17, 1938 - 11:11AM
From: Der GROFAZ
To: Panzergeneral von Manstein; Panzergeneral Rommel
Subject: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

You two are completely crazy! //STOP//
Only 15 half-formed mountain divisions after you! //STOP//
Position dangerous as hell //STOP//
Fritsch says you guys racing for Paris //STOP//
Been only 42 days since attack, there is NO HURRY //STOP//
Dietl's infantry exhausted and can't follow //STOP//
Halt all offensive operations //STOP//
Don't go too deep in French territory, dangerous // STOP //
Report positions //STOP//
And stay close to Dunkerque/Lille/Sedan line! //STOP//
--Adolf Hitler

**​

Date: Sept. 17, 1938 - 11:32AM
From: Panzergeneral von Manstein
To: Der GROFAZ
Cc: Panzergeneral Rommel
Subject: Re: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Don't see what you mean //STOP//
Not racing for Paris //STOP//
Stopped advance as soon as it became dangerous //STOP//
Am in Pontarlier //STOP//
Eating great chocolate, can send you some //STOP//
--Erich von Manstein

**​

Date: Sept. 17, 1938 - 11:47AM
From: Der GROFAZ
To: Panzergeneral von Manstein
Cc: Panzergeneral Rommel
Subject: Re: Re: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Please confirm spelling mistake in your last telegram //STOP//
Must be Pontallier-sur-Saone //STOP//
Halfway to Swiss border is too far //STOP//
STOP!!! //STOP//
--Adolf Hitler
PS - Rommel, you stop too //STOP//

**​

Date: Sept. 17, 1938 - 11:59AM
From: Panzergeneral von Manstein
To: Der GROFAZ
Cc: Panzergeneral Rommel
Subject: Re: Re: Re: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Am ON the Swiss border, not halfway //STOP//
Currently reducing Maginot line //STOP//
Please tell if I should invade Switzerland too //STOP//
--Erich von Manstein
PS - Sure you don't want some chocolate for Goebbels' children? //STOP//

**
​

Date: Sept. 17, 1938 - 12:02PM
From: Panzergeneral Rommel
To: Der GROFAZ
Cc: Panzergeneral von Manstein
Subject: Re: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Am already occupying Paris //STOP//
City was undefended //STOP//
Should I go back to Dunkerque? //STOP//
--Erwin Rommmel

**
​

Date: Sept. 17, 1938 - 12:11PM
From: Der GROFAZ
To: Panzergeneral von Manstein; Panzergeneral Rommel
Subject: I hate you both.

--Adolf Hitler

**

​

**​

 

[J_Master]

GROFAZ

Searched this. The Germans can be quite funny.
And my congratulations to General Rommel on taking Paris, although Von Manstein did quite a good job on that M-Line

 

[Nuada Airgetlám]

Thus the French fascist state falls before the liberating fascist armies!

Wait a second...

 

[Lordban]

J_Master, you don't believe in the GroFAZ? ^^ And Rommel getting Paris was sheer dumb luck, my front was a horrible mess by that point, with all three armies spread between Switzerland and Britanny - when the dam broke, it was brutal x)

Nuada Airgetlám, of course we liberated Elsass! And Lothrigen! And Eupen! And Champagne!

... wait a minute, did I actually forget to annex everything that used to be part of the HRE?

* *

Deep in the Bavarian Alps bla bla bla bla bla...

* *
​

In normal HOI AARs, having ten people around the same table means the scene is a ministerial council. In this AAR where we don't care about respecting the timeline, it's a European Union meeting happening on the 1st of February 1939. For ease of understanding who represents what country, the name of the country will be added behind the interlocutor's name.

Hitler [Greater German Reich]: Gentlemen, I'm grateful you all accepted so promptly to come here at my invitation to discuss a most grievous situation that sees seven million German people oppressed-

MUSSOLINI [Novum Imperium Romanum]:

Chamberlain [British Empire]: I hate it when he does that.

Szálasi [Greater Hungary]: The boss is impressive.

Mościcki [Międzymorze]: Your boss is preparing to declare war on England.

Chamberlain: Of course he isn't.

MUSSOLINI:

Hitler: Neville, try to remain calm.

Chamberlain: I am calm. He's already justified war on France and didn't declare.

Doriot [Vichy France]: Yeah, but that's because he and I are both Fascists.

Beneṧ [Czechoslovakia]: That didn't stop Hitler.

Hitler: It was a misunderstanding, and we've resolved it.

Doriot: He means he sent Rommel and Manstein to say "heil".

Smetona [Lithuania]: By the way, what are we doing here?

Beneṧ: Same as always, someone wants to annex some of my provinces.

Mościcki: This place looks cooler than the last one, though. Inspired by Castle Wolfenstein?

Hitler: Don't start.

Chamberlain: So, what do you want, Mister Hitler?

Hitler: The Sudetenland.

Chamberlain: Out of the question!

Beneṧ: Did I hear that right?

Hitler: You let Poland and Hungary have a piece of Czechoslovakia before me!

Chamberlain: I did?

Mościcki: You gave me Ciezscyn.

Szálasi: And you gave me Southern Slovakia.

Chamberlain: Wel-l-l, perhaps we should reconsider-

MUSSOLINI:

Chamberlain: Of course, Sir, your friend can keep Southern Slovakia.

Mościcki: I need the coal in Ciezscyn to protect the Baltic States from the Soviet Union.

Chamberlain: Oh. Nevermind then.

Beneṧ: I should have known better than to hope he'd do something.

Chamberlain: I am doing something.

Beneṧ: What?

Chamberlain: I'm forbidding Mister Hitler from invading Czechoslovakia.

Hitler: I have a majority of my countrymen in this piece of land I want to grab, those two others didn't.

Chamberlain: And I will deny your aspirations for a piece in our time.

Beneṧ: Is it Christmas already?

Doriot: You've never met Rommel and Manstein, have you?

Beneṧ: I have fortifications.

Doriot: I had those too, they didn't care.

Hitler: Can I at least have a few Germans back?

Smetona: What Germans?

Hitler: Those in Memel?

Smetona: You can't have them.

Hitler: Seriously?

Smetona: I have a piece of paper that says you can't have a piece of me.

Hitler: What is it with people saying "no" when I want to grab their land?

Doriot: It's the moustache.

Hitler: Oh, shut up, you.

Doriot: Yes, boss.

Chamberlain: So, everything's settled, then. We're all in agreement: Mister Hitler gets nothing.

Hitler: Right. Then I guess I'll do what Nazis do when you tell them they can't have a piece.

Chamberlain: And what do Nazis do when they are denied pieces?

Hitler: Invade Poland.

Mościcki: Not again.

Stalin[CCCP]: It's that time of the century, you know.

Doriot: He wants a piece too?

Stalin: It's Poland, I always want a piece.

Mościcki: Neville?

Chamberlain: Yes?

Mościcki: Next time, give Hitler his piece of Czechoslovakia.

* *

That's right, peace lasted all of six months. Still got an absolutely lousy equipment situation, by the way, missing a total of 75K in various categories, including 18K uniforms and 15K infantry weapons... But when is it since that stopped Manstein and Rommel? When does Guderian join them? Will England bomb the Reich into the ground? Find out in the more or less distant future!​