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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

AsdfeZxcas

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Welcome to...
The Final Crusade: The Legend of the Pagan Knights
With EU4 out, people are slowly starting to not care about EU3. This means it is time for one last swashbuckling adventure, before EU3 fades away. And so, I present to you one last Crusade, the Final Crusade! This time, however, the Pagans will be the ones crusading!



So here we have our position. This was done by leting pagan zealots run loose across the country. Eventualy, some liberals got mad at the Order's narrowmindedness, and soon had turned the tables, overthrowing the governmant and organizing a new one. The Teutonic Order had become Animist Theocracy.



Our finances are.... less than ideal. They should improve once pig-worship is established across the nation.



We put down a rebellion in Danzig led by catholics irritated because there is corner of Europe they don't own. And because they're being oppressed.



Sweden declares the first of what will probably be the first of many, many, atempts to purge my Paganism. They land some troops in Gotland, which were wiped out, and then lost their fleet to mine. (Sorry, no pics!) And then this happens....



Ummmmmmmm....

Is this the end? Will the Final Crusade end before it begins? To find out, be with us next time in: The Bay of Pig-Worshipers or The French Begin to Fly!
 
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GulMacet

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Do your pork-worshipping religious ceremonies contain any bacon? If yes, sign me up!
 

AsdfeZxcas

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Yes, and soon we might have some french fries on the side...
 
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MarkusH

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It will be quite epic if you can pull this one through. Anyways TO VALHALL!
 

1anrs

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Definite subscription from me, I love the concept of an Animist crusade in Europe :rofl:


...This was done by leting pagan zealots run loose across the country...
How did the animists form in a European country in the first place? I have never seen that happen in any of my games before.

Our finances are.... less than ideal. They should improve once pig-worship is established across the nation.
Yes, missionaries, very expensive :mad:



Ummmmmmmm....

Is this the end? Will the Final Crusade end before it begins? To find out, be with us next time in: The Bay of Pig-Worshipers or The French Begin to Fly!
Definitely look forward to the update :)
 

unmerged(145182)

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How did the animists form in a European country in the first place? I have never seen that happen in any of my games before.
The province of Samogitia is still animist at the begining of the game. So send a missionary there, cut off the budget, let animist zealots revolt and take over all your provinces, they will force convert most of them. Actually, the Teutonic order was given land by the Duke of Mazovia in the 13th century to defend his borders and convert the pagans.
 

AsdfeZxcas

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The Bay of Pig Worshipers or The French Begin to Fly
Were we last left off, the French had just decided to destory us. Full of confidence, they sent a fleet into the Baltic. Let's see how that went...



Perfectly! For us, that is. Sadly, some men managed to land in Gotland. And how did that go, you ask?



Wonderful! All through the night, bacon-eating and French-frying rituals are held in celebration! What's that? Another fleet?



The Scots arn't very good sailors, are they? About as good as the French.



Denmark joins the party! And the brought Norway! Goodie! Anyway, I've got a cunning plan to defeat France, and you're about to see it...



Well, it's a plan at least. Hopefully capturing this province will give me enough score for a white peace...



We lose the Battle of the Bay of Pig-Worshipers, and now our main army is stuck in Gotland and 15,000 Danes are about to crash on our shores.



FRANCE SURRENDERS! VICTORY SCREECH! OLOLOLOLOOLLOLLOOOOLOLOLOOLOLLOLLO! BACON AND FRENCH FRYS FOR EVERYONE!



One nation falls, and another rises. The Hansa is actually reasonably close, so they'll be able to send alot of men.



I guess I'll end on a high note. Our army marooned on Gotland defeats some Norwegians! Hooray?

So, most of our troops are stuck on Gotland, the Danes are here, and the Hansa is coming. This should make a good stopping point!

Will the Danes be defeated? Can I somehow manage to get my troops off of Gotland? Are we all doomed? To find out, be here next time for, Sink Or Swim, or The Pig-Man Rides!
 
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yequr

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Yes! I've always wanted to read a Pagan Zealot Conversion AAR, will be following. :)
 

AsdfeZxcas

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Update coming tomorrow! A little teaser for you, the Teutonic Order gets help from a mysterious stranger, known as the Pigman.
 

1anrs

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Update coming tomorrow! A little teaser for you, the Teutonic Order gets help from a mysterious stranger, known as the Pigman.
Look forward to it, it seems to be an unusually high number of countries declaring war at the beginning though, especially as you don't have high infamy...
 

AsdfeZxcas

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Look forward to it, it seems to be an unusually high number of countries declaring war at the beginning though, especially as you don't have high infamy...
Well, everyone hates me for being pagan and gets the colonial conquest cb on me, which is probably one of the best in the game.
 
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AsdfeZxcas

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Sink or Swim or The Pigman Rides

When we last left off, we had a bunch of troops stranded on Gotland, and Denmark had landed 15,000 men on our shore. But today, our story begins at Teutonic Order HQ, where our Hochmeister was getting some news.

Messager: I've got good news and bad news.
Hochmeister: Good news first.
Messager: We've just won a glorious victory in Gotland!
Hochmeister: And the bad news?
Messager: 15,000 Danes have landed on our shores.
Hochmeister: And the good news?
Messager: We've got the troops to beat them back.
Hochmeister: And the bad news?
Messager: Those troops are stranded in Gotland.

At this, the Hochmeister fell over and died in shock. Meanwhile...

In a sleepy little town out on the countryside, there was a abnormal hog. It was unusually strong, unusually big, and unusually mean. This is where the Pigman enters our story. One morning, the serfs woke up and found a man riding the pig as if it were a horse! He said his name was Ulrich, and the serfs took his apperance as a sign. At once he was rushed off to a meeting of all the leading authorities on Paganism, who had met to choose a new Hochmeister. On being told Ulrich's story, they immediately made him Hochmeister. The first thing he did was ride his pig up and down the countryside, raising troops for the war, which can be seen heading north in the next screenshot. The second thing he did was to make peace with Sweden, also in the next screenshot.



Then something extraordinary happened. I got my men off of Gotland! I'm not even sure how I pulled that one off myself. Anyway, the rescued soiders merged with Ulrich's recruits, and they marched to Memel to do battle with Denmark. The battle would seem lost, until Ulrich led a glorious charge on pigback!



When the Danes saw Ulrich, they nicknamed him "the Pigman" because of the hog he rode. Soon this nickname would spread, and everyone would call him "the Pigman". The Pigman would chase the Danish army, and force it to surrender! The defeat would be decisive, and soon Denmark would make peace.



This victory made the Pigman famous, and soon he would ride up and down the coast, striking victories everwhere he went.






Despite all this wonderous success, the Pigman couldn't swim, and our soon our islands fell, so we had to make peace for reducing a sphere of influence we couldn't keep.



And so the War of the First Coalition, as this war would come to be called, ended, thanks to the Pigman! As for the Pigman himself, he bid farewell to his men, telling him his job was done. Then he rode his pig off into the distance, never to be seen again.



VICTORY! Who cares that are economy is destroyed? Who cares that our money is about to be more inflated than the Yen? Who cares about the nation's instability? Who cares about our war exhaustion?



Who cares that we're on the verge of anarchy?

Who cares?



I care.

Will the Teutonic Order win the war but lose the peace? Can anything hold the Order together? To find out, be here next time for: Money For Nothing or Double Cross!
 
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1anrs

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Very enjoyable AAR so far, I must say. I especially like the reference to Pigman riding the hog, gives it a slightly Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy feel.

Especially impressed that you have so far been able to fight off so many of the main players already, bodes well for the future.

Well, everyone hates me for being pagan and gets the colonial conquest cb on me, which is probably one of the best in the game.
Good point, I did think of Unam Sanctum but thought it was a bit early for that. Hadn't thought of the colonial cb. Shows how little I have ever used it :laugh:

Will the Teutonic Order win the war but lose the peace? Can anything hold the Order together? To find out, be here next time for: Money For Nothing or Double Cross!
I like the fact that you include this at the end as well. It adds suspense to the end of the post making you want to wait for more. I don't know which country you come from but, living in the UK, this makes me think of the comedy series "The Two Ronnies" in the little mini-series they did in their episodes. They always ended the mini-series part with a voice-over that said this kind of thing.
 

AsdfeZxcas

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I like the fact that you include this at the end as well. It adds suspense to the end of the post making you want to wait for more. I don't know which country you come from but, living in the UK, this makes me think of the comedy series "The Two Ronnies" in the little mini-series they did in their episodes. They always ended the mini-series part with a voice-over that said this kind of thing.
That little bit at the end is inspired by Rocky and Bullwinkle, which I have 2 seasons of. They had a similar bit at the end of each segment in the story arch.
 

AsdfeZxcas

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Money for Nothing or Double Cross
Monday, Dec. 10, 1429. A day that will live forever in history. What happened that day, well, you'll see...



To think, merely a century ago IRL they were Pagan! We've been, DOUBLE CROSSED!



I get this event twice in a years time. It's like the game's trying to tell me something...



Sweden is the first crusader to come. I'm not afraid of them, but soon Lithuania joins in as an ally. They have a land boarder, and tons of troops to send.



We destory the Swedish fleet (again). At least they can't send any men now.



Poland declares war, starting there own crusade against me. Well, it isn't as if we wern't outnumbered anyway. Hey, have you ever noticed how the it calls the Poles rotten swine. Someone should be executed for this heresy!



We win an early victory over the crusaders, but there are still many, many armies roaming our land.



And here they are! This is certiantly the most dire threat our Order has ever faced!

Can the Order hold off the onslot? Is pig-worship doomed to be destoryed forever? Find out next time in, Crusading May be Harmful to Your Health, or, Yellow Dawn!
 

zdlugasz

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Wow!
Subscribed, and good luck!
 

AsdfeZxcas

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Crusading May Be Bad For Your Health or Yellow Dawn
When we last left off, our land was swamped with enemy troops. Our current Hochmiester, Ludwig, leads our 15,000 man army. With it, we win a few battles over the crusaders.




It is clear, however, that there are too many of them to defeat them all. So, I come up with a plan. I march to Kracow and leave a few men to seige the city, and then begin to march towards the Lithuanian capital. I hope capturing these cities would force them out of the war.



My plan had mixed results. I captured the Lithuanian capital, but I've lost enough land for them to keep on fighting despite the blow.



At Kracow, my men have even less success.



The city would have fallen any day by the time they were attacked. Anyway, I regroup my men and begin to try and take back some provinces, or at least a province.



And then the unthinkable happened.



Samogitia. That's were it all began. Now it's were it ends. After this battle, our entire army would be wiped out. With no money, no land, and massive war exhaustion, an AI dogpile of epic proportions would occur. After that, well, I'll let the picture speak for itself.



Not long after this screenshot, the Teutonic Order would be annexed by Pskov, ending our crusade.




But don't think we didn't go down without a fight! No sir, we gave them a fight they'll never forget!

Will Pskov ever forget the fight? Is the fight as epic as I make it sound? To find out, be here next time, for our final installment, The Last Stand at Samogitia!
 
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AsdfeZxcas

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There will be one last update, to wrap everything up and detail the events that transpired at Samogita.