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    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Nil-The-Frogg

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The Evil Toad's dark cult

(ABANDONNED)​

The march is silent. That is if you forget to mention the humming of swarm after swarm of mosquitoes, the hiss from clouds of hungry gnats and the occasional caiman burping after a copious meal. What do they eat? Why, adventurers, of course. Oh, and what could adventurers do there? Well, you know, they are stupid people who cannot enjoy life in a cozy living room with books and some shitty Internet connection that allows you to visit great forums once in a while. No, they need to splash in the mud and to get bitten, nibbled and sucked (I mean by leeches, of course!). But above all, they crave killing evil monsters.

Now, now, what are these bubbles there? Oh, the ground is rising to form a tumulus. Wait a minute... The sludge slowly slide... That's a toad! The fattest, ugliest, hugest toad ever seen. It's stinking too. Its eyes are not looking in the same direction. They are probably not in love with each other. Suddenly, the monster belches and let a long thread of slimy drool hang from its lips.

nilthefroggishackfc7.jpg

"Now now..." It says. "I'm very disappointed. I was following the development of a land far away, it was called Burgundy . They had a funny way to lead their sorry excuse for a country and that was entertaining. But everyone's dead there. It's boring. I want to try my hand at this, too. But guess what? There might be a possibility. I'm an evil monster, after all, and this swamp is full of will-o'-the-wisps. Come to me, lost souls! Come to me, and let's choose together the toy we will martyr!"

There's no answer. The fat toad frowns (and a frowning toad is quite a rarity).

"Come on! Tell me where you want to be reincarnated! I have a few places I would like to haunt myself, they are:

- Atjeh
- Deccan
- Mamluks
- Novgorod (chosen country)
- Poland
- Rajputana
- Vijayanar

Since I'm a benevolent evil monster, you can choose something else if you want. But keep in mind that I'm better at gobbling disgusting things than at ruling some remote piece of dry land.
"

======================================================​

DISTRIBUTED PORTFOLIOS​

Spirit of Slaughter: land forces {Mats_SX}
Spirit of Insatiable Greed: economy, trade {TheExecuter}
Spirit of Mental Adjustments: espionage, counter-espionage {Amric} You know all that is to know about spies and murderers, don't you?)
Senior Human Resources Manager: production, social issues {BBBD316}
Patriarch of Amphibian Heresy: religion {Ahura Mazda}
Spirit of Subduing: diplomacy, foreign affairs {Snake IV}
Mad Scientist: R&D and any issue related to that {Daemon}
Spirit of Contagion: Exploration and colonization {Fijj}

======================================================​

LINKS​



*

Last savegame (January 1569)​


.

.
 
Last edited:

Aethis

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Novgorod :cool:
 

BBBD316

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Hail Dark Toad!

I humble beseech you to take Poland and make it a bastion of Protestant power.
 

Nil-The-Frogg

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"Mmm... I see a few marsh shades gathering, and they have suggestions. Good, very good. Oh, I understand what you mean, you sly Persian king... The Vijayanaran Cult or The baneful Vijayanaran Toad, ça chie à l'oreille*! I'll wait approximately 36 hours from now to proclaim the country where we shall begin to draw our nefarious plans of weaving malevolent schemes to build some grand evil strategy toward our despicable..."

"Isn't it a bit too much, my Lord?" a hollow voice says.

The Evil Toad's eyes turn to the ground. "What are you doing beneath me?"

"Choking, Master."

"You don't need to breath."

"Point taken, Master. Still, you're crushing me."

The Evil Toad raises up with a disgusting sucking noise, takes a step aside and falls back in the mud with a mighty splashing.

A rotting human head emerges. "Being a drowned can be a painful experience, on occasion."

"Now, where was I?"

"Despicable, my Lord."

"Oh, shut up! Ah, yes... Feel free to change your vote until the last moment. In case of a draw, I would choose among the winners. Rest in peace!"


* these have a nice ring to them (well, sort of :D )
 

Mats_SX

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A black shadow emerges from beneath.

"My Nefarious Lord Toad! I am here to claim vengeance! For what, you may in all your detestability ask. My answer to Your Vileness, would be: it is of little importance. Why, My Odious Lord may ask, and the answer would not come, how foul Your appearance yet may be."

A pause is made for dramatic effect, as the black shadow floats in a shadowy way around the Lord of the Marsh.

"My point, Sire, is that I need vengeance. Vengeance for what my former incarnation gave me! I was a pious man, a man of God. But the Afterlife failed me, and I ended up in this place. The most appropriate way of retaliating would be in the form of the lands of Novgorod. There, I will, under Your Wickedness's service, be able to have my revenge on the world, and all that is Catholicism!"

"I claim to be in charge of Your Vileness's Army, with which I shall lay under us great lands, and crush any pitiful resistance!"




OOC: To be honest, I have not played EU3 at all since patch 1.2. I might have to come with some questions, but I will try to enlighten myself before-hand. For example, I have no clue about how big the difference is between cavalry and infantry, and if artillery really is worth anything. Other alterations since early patches are unknown to me, but I will do my best. :)
 

TheExecuter

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My Great Lord <wrinkles nose> Evil Toad. May I sugge... Hey, I can't just go around calling you an evil toad, that just wouldn't do. Do you have a name? Something like Prince John or Duke Ivan or His Magnifence Osman the Sultan of Deccan, Ruler of the Seven Seas, Defender of the True Faith, and Master of...

...GET ON WITH IT!...

...oh, right. May I suggest that we use the march you are currently sitting in? We could call it, oh I don't know, Brandenburg, and our capital could be this very swamp...Berlin!...Whatever you choose, I offer my services as colonial secretary. Now, I have no personal experience with colonialism as I tend to get sea sick and I am obviously to young and good looking to have survived a long overland journey, but who better to advise you on dealing with the blighted inhabitants of our colonies than one who brings no preconceived notions along?! In case of your disapproval, I humbly ask to be second naval secretary...or any position you see fit to give me, great <shudder> Evil Toad.
 

Amric

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Since you would dare go to Anhalt I would suggest Novgorod....Or to make things really interesting, Gotland....
 

Nil-The-Frogg

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The green whale of a toad tries to wear an eyeglass, but the dish-sized lens quickly slips on its viscid skin and falls straight into the sludge. "Bah! It was blurred anyway. This Hubble thingie really needs fixing. Never mind. I have great news for you, oh my obsucre shadows from the dark!"

The drowned giggles. If you've never heard a drowned giggling, just keep in mind that his lungs are partly filled with water and mud. This particular one even has leaks. You won't have to listen to it for very long anyway... An elephant-like paw has decided to use it as a carpet.

"I have great news indeed. The vote is over and our unfortunate victim has been chosen. Your suggestions are so interesting that I've decided we would rule the Ming..." The declaration is welcomed by deadly silence... But then, what could you expect from marsh ghosts? "... just to let you know who's the boss."

The silence thickens (which probably means that already inexistent sounds are muffled, to boot). There is some hostility creeping in the air.

The fat heap of batrachian meat bursts in laugher. "Don't try to make a face! You don't have any for the time being. I'll provide you with them along with fully fleshed incarnations... I was joking anyway. Novgorod it is."

A wave of relief spreads through the assistance. Someone switches the sound on again. The Evil Toad disinters its favorite drowned.

"Now, Jean-Charles-Henri-Gontrand, go fetch those maps and reports..."

"I hate when you call me that, Master." the drowned moans.

The Evil Toad displays a smile almost larger than its head. "I know."

The drowned soon comes back with the papers. "This is weird, Master. I don't even know where the hell I could have found these."

"Paradox." The Evil Toad spits on the papers to stick them on dead trees. "So, here's what we have:"

General map

Novgorod-1453-01-politique.jpg

“Just in case you didn't know, our fluffy bear of a country will be the northern green one (and yes, it's split in two). Not exactly the suitable kind of greenness, but I should be able to fix that.”

Novgorod-1453-01-provinces.jpg

Overview

Novgorod-1453-01-overview.jpg

“A merchant republic, eh? At least, they should not be difficult to convert to slyness.”


Court


Novgorod-1453-01-court.jpg

“A doge? Mmm... At least, he's decent. Oh, by the way, I've taken care of his loyalty. You know, he isn't all that young and blue pills have not been invented yet... Suffice to say that I know all kind of plants in these swamps.”

Novgorod-1453-01-advisors.jpg

“I don't know about you, but I ain't too impressed. This Massalski could make my dazzling thoughts famous throughout the known world, but the others... Not even a decent painter to portray my beauty. Hey! There's no pretending. You can't puke without a body of your own.”


Religion

Novgorod-1453-01-religion.jpg

“The country has sworn allegiance to a single faith. They're all Ortodox. Orthodox Christianity, that is. The good point is that we will just have to put our own Patriarch in place and no one will notice that they're Orthodox Cultists. Oh by the way, we need a Patriarch of Amphibian Heresy."


Economy

Novgorod-1453-01-economy.jpg

“Not bad, really. But not much to say so far. We may need a Spirit of Greed and a Mad Scientist, if someone wants the jobs.”


Military

Novgorod-1453-01-military.jpg

“We have a whopping two thousand pesky footmen, and the possibility to carry them through water. I could summon a few zombies to help, but that would make things a little boring, wouldn't it? Oh, and we already have a candidate to the title of Spirit of Slaughter. If no one else covets the function, then Mats_SX has it. As to the nutshells we're supposed to call boats, they may be attached to colonization and trade portfolios... Thus falling into the hands of TheExecuter. Oh, speaking of names, given yours I had thought about nominating you as Novgorod's Senior Human Resources Manager...”


Society:

Novgorod-1453-01-social.jpg

“Not much to say until we have defined our orientations...”

Two severely rotten drowned bring in a shrieking damsel in distress hogtied on a silver plate.

“Oh, yes. Since we're leaving, I won't need this bait anymore.” The Evil Toad says. It picks the helpless princess and gobbles it.

“CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP... GULP... Mmmm... Tasty! Now I understand why those manly adventurers are always so eager to rescue my tender victims. But we have much to discuss. I'll keep Ironhead 5's pattern:”

Focus
Long term goals
Short term goals

“But I would like to add another. The Nefarious Achievement! Just about any super villain should have an ultimate wicked objective...”

“Yesss! Conquering the wOrld!”

“Hear, Jean-Charles-Henri...”

“Gniii...”

“... -Gontrand...”

“Arrghh.”

“I'm an Evil Toad, not some pesky Evil Genius. I'm not a genius!”

“Yes, Master, I know that.”

“Great. I thus need another Nefarious Achievement to pursue with my faithful cult... So far, here's what we have to do:”

-> Defining a Nefarious Achievement
-> Defining a focus
-> Defining long term goals
-> Defining short term goals


-> Granting the titles of:

Spirit of Slaughter: land forces {Mats_SX}
Spirit of Insatiable Greed: economy, trade, colonization {TheExecuter}
Spirit of Mental Adjustments: espionage, counter-espionage {Amric} You know all that is to know about spies and murderers, don't you?)
Senior Human Resources Manager: production, social issues {BBBD316}
Patriarch of Amphibian Heresy: religion {Capibara}
Spirit of Subduing: diplomacy, foreign affairs {Snake IV}
Mad Scientist: R&D and any issue related to that
...

-> Hands in the sludge work:

DP slider change
Advisors recruitment
Religious tolerances
Economy sliders
...


OOP:
1) No one is required to play any role nor to adopt the style of the AAR.
2) I originally wanted to post drawings of my own, just for fun, but there will be many pics already (screenshots) and my own Internet connection is bad enough for me to be cautious. Plus I won't have a digital camera until late August, which would make things difficult.
 
Last edited:

Amric

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Master, I believe my title would be better changed to Spirit of Mental Adjustments. It has more style. Espionage is all about the mind anyway, don't ya know? It would be prudent to sow discontent among the peasantry of our enemies.


Nice start....Me, know everything about murdering and espionage? :)
 

Snake IV

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The Snake was out for a monthly hunt in the unpleasent swamp. It was a long time since last time. He spotted a toad, a big and ugly one, well fit for todays dinner. Though, when appoching, he relized that the toad was not alone; creatures lurked in the shadows, taking into account what the toad had to tell them. The Snake stoped and listened. The toad had ideas. It was a bit unclear why these ideas had appered in such a place, but the Snake decided to spare the frog from becoming consumee to instead join in his project as Spirit of Subduing. It seemed more fun than lying on a rock all day.
 

Nil-The-Frogg

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Amric said:
Master, I believe my title would be better changed to Spirit of Mental Adjustments. It has more style. Espionage is all about the mind anyway, don't ya know? It would be prudent to sow discontent among the peasantry of our enemies.
"Granted."


Amric said:
Nice start....Me, know everything about murdering and espionage? :)
"Don't try to adjust me, my dear Amric: I do have some evidence. Oh, and it is up to you, among others, to decide if -and how- I shall go and hug Anhalt."

"A snake? How cute! I love snakes. I like to eat them, I like to eat the apples (okay, I would gobble just about anything...) they give me and I like to bestow them the Spirit of Subduing portfolio."
 
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Nil-The-Frogg

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Just to serve as a reminder:
Ironhead 5 said:
The long-term goal should look out 50 years or more - what is it that we want to accomplish at the end of that time? The long-term goal can evolve during the course of that time period as circumstances change. An example of a long-term goal might be, "own all core provinces," or "establish colonies on Africa and South America" ... etc - it is up to you!

The short-term goal should look out 10 years or less - what is that we want to accomplish during this time? The short-term goal should be possible to accomplish in that time, but can change as the game develops. An example of a short-term goal might be, "force-annex Gelre," or "vassalize Lorraine" ...etc.

The focus is how we are going to pursue these goals - do we focus on military, trade, production, colonization, conversion, etc. It may depend on the current ruler's abilities. The focus is there to guide me as I make minor decisions - decisions that are too minor to present to the thread for a vote. For example, if our focus is on colonization, I would go ahead and send out colonists as they appear, and as our treasury allows - as opposed to if our focus was on conversion, in which case I would focus our national resources on converting heretic provinces.
 

TheExecuter

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Thank you Your Greatness...I will endeavor to serve you with all the knowledge at my disposal.

For your digestive pleasure, I nominate the following objectives in response to your condescending request:

Long-term goal: (~50 years) Unite the Russian peoples. We must not allow other pretender nobilities to dispute our power over the east. I leave the means up to the more well equipped ministries of slaughter and mental adjustments.

Long-Long-term goal (~400 years): Militarily Dominate Asia and Economically dominate Eastern trade.

Short-term goal: Annex diplomatically or by force, the two minor nations in our vicinity; (Pskov and Ryazan?) the ones that look light blue and grey.

Focus: Military / Production (to set up a good stable base for our needs)...

Nefarious goal: Remove the traitor in Rome who calls himself God's representative on earth! He must be converted to the true and traditional faith...or be sacrificed to you our great and hungry leader.

Advisor choices: I would heartily recommend our hiring of Mr. Lykov...but since we are not attempting colonization at the moment, I believe we can do without his services. Were we to be colonizing, he would be an excellent choice. Of the remaining available advisors...I can see no benefit to my portfolios to hiring any of them. I therefore leave this choice in the capable hands of the court.

Religious tolerances: It is good that our esteemed leader sees the wisdom in honouring the True faith with his full allegiance. May I suggest lowering the Eastern and Pagan tolerances to zero in an effort to lull our Muslim and Catholic neighbors to sleep? In this way they will believe we wish them well while we sharpen the sword that will destroy them...

Economy Sliders: All investment into Government technology.

DP Sliders: Move toward more quality or more offensive or more free subjects...in that order of priority. I defer to the minister of slaughter on his choice of these three.

Thank you Great One for allowing me to ruminate on the choices affecting our great swamp...I trust that you will choose wisely and that my fellow advisors will wish you well. May you rule supreme, and your enemies be presented before you helpless...

TheExecuter
Spirit of Insatiable Greed
 

The Yogi

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Meh... Methinks the toad cult should've ruled in Transylvania, with Stregoicavar as their capital, and the Black Monolith as their national shrine. But that's just me, never mind me! ;)
 

Nil-The-Frogg

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The Yogi said:
Meh... Methinks the toad cult should've ruled in Transylvania, with Stregoicavar as their capital, and the Black Monolith as their national shrine. But that's just me, never mind me! ;)
"Your idea is interesting, albeit a bit late, but..." The toad discretely bend toward its pet drowned to consult him through short mumbles. "... isn't the black monolith in Hedjaz, actually?"
 

Mats_SX

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"My Vileness! I have had a night of un-sleep, just as appropriate for my unrest in seek of vengeance. My words I have considered heavily, and they are likewise:"

Focus: Considering the pest so-called "Doge" we have at our disposal, I unwillingly suggest Diplomacy/Trade, as that must be the ways the utterly useless humans must've adapted this... 'Republic' to.

Long-term goal: The Greedy presence has a point. The humans dwelling in these to-be Toadian lands for some reason feels connected to eachother. Why they would eve consider themselves as 'brethren' is beyond me, but we can use this weakness. If we fool them (which will not be hard a task) to think we are 'uniting them towards their own good', they will surely hail Your Hideousness as Czar of these lands known as Rus, or Russia.

Short-term goal: With the focus selected, I advice Your Vileness to make allies among the pitiful lords around here. Either we try to make this 'Muscovy' our ally in crushing Ryazan and Pskov, as well as the Eastern followers of Muhammed. The other way we could go is allying Pskov and Ryazan (and later stick a knife in their back, and seize their lands) and taking on Muscovy.

Nefarious Goal: Crush the heathens in East, West and South. Convert them by the sword, and make them kneel before Your Vileness's name! Spare none!

As tools, I suggest we use Sükrüllah, Mstislav Kurlyatev and Mstislav Massalski.

For the other so-called religions as well as this Rupublic's development, TheExecutioner stole the words from my manuscript.

I also think our numerous followers must be taught what is Quality.

"And I can assure You, my Odious Lord, that you will not be rid of my presence before my revenge on humanity is taken."