DR. DE VLAMINCK’S HORRENDOUS ADVENTURE
"I was hurt by the government's betrayal"
By Scoop Gerbil
Special to the Eutopian Worker
Eutopia City -- Imagine spending your summer in a dank cave with tarantulas as your only companions. For ESRP member Svein De Vlaminck, this was no summer picnic. This was a reality.
Recovering in his home, with his girlfriend, De Vlamnick was in reasonable spirits as he agreed to tell his story to this newspaper.
De Vlaminck was on a government sponsored mission in WET to try to negotiate a peaceful settlement after a spring of severe unrest in the region.
During a lull in the talks, De Vlaminck was invited by a Topa guide on an excursion inland to visit and spend some time with a Topa tribe and see their living conditions first hand.
But he never made it.
“I was with a Topa guide on an excursion to an inland Topa tribe when we were captured,” De Vlaminck recalls. “A group of men wearing black masks and old army uniforms ambushed us. They called themselves Disciples of Mother Earth and were self-styled eco-fascists, worse than the PETA. They claimed they kidnapped me because I was trespassing their private reserve. They demanded a toll.”
Blindfolded, De Vlaminck was separated from his Topa guide, whom he never saw again. He was marched at gun point for over two hours and when unmasked he found himself in a dank, smelly cave.
“I was held in a dark cave where tarantulas were my only company. A mean guard called Fred watched over me and brought me food. It was all macrobiotic and veganistic. Never meat. I estimate the whole group amounted to around 150 people, 3 or 4 of whom I saw often.They definatley weren’t Topa natives. They were mostly “WASPs", varying in age from 20 to 40.”
What followed was six weeks of horrible treatment, leading to dismemberment of his finger.
“I was treated like dirt. They hit me regularly and interrogated me about my connections. They called me “marxist fool” “great polluter” and “piece of dirt on Mother Earth.” Tbey are crazy killer fascists. Worse and more dangerous than the relics of the CRE and the old CC in their prime.
“They repeatedly told me of their dream of making all of Eutopia into a nature reserve without the cancer of Mother Earth around (us).”
De Vlaminck knew his life was in danger right away. He said the group was divided into two camps. Those that wanted to ransom him and those who wanted to make an example of him.
“I wasn’t scared for my life, since my life isnt important in the wake of World Socialism. But I heard discussions roam between ‘moderates’ who wanted a ransom and ‘extremists’ who wanted to kill me right away.”
It appears the so-called moderates won the debate, and a ransom note for 42,000 ducats was sent to the Eutopian National Assembly. De Vlaminck had hope that he would be released given that he was on a government mission and the ransom was for so paltry an amount.
“I very much trusted the government to do what was necessary, because I was on a government mission. But when I returned and I heard that I owed my release--and my life-- to my Party, I must say I was very hurt by the government’s betrayal.”
What De Vlaminck didn’t know in his cave, was that despite ESRP Leader Josephus I’s push for a quick resolution, the government was humming and hawwing, wanting proof but not doing anything to obtain it.
“I was very happy that I could rely on my Party,” De Vlaminck said. “It shows me the kindness and righteousness of Socialism.”
De Vlaminck’s last few days are a blur. While the government did nothing, the NA recieved another note. This one with a “present”--- De Vlaminck’s finger. The note also said that De Vlaminck would be killed if the ransom wasn’t delivered. Seeing that the government did not take it seriously, Josephus I, to much criticism about “sponsoring terrorists”, asked his Party to fund Vlaminck’s rescue. The Party responded quickly and unanimously supported sending the money.
“I was very scared and in agony,” De Vlaminck recalled of his ordeal. “When they removed my finger, I feared the end would come with my head on a stake and my genitals stuffed in my mouth.”
To their credit, De Vlaminck said, the kidnappers werent’ barbaric about removing his finger. “I was under some form of anesthetic when they did it. I’m not sure what it was but I had visions of my girlfriend and of the world united in a socialist paradise. I woke up and went to pick my nose, which was itchy, and noticed I didn’t have my finger handy.”
Despite his ordeal, De Vlaminck doesn’t call his kidnappers terrorists.
“I consider them misguided people. I won’t use the word ‘terrorist’; it’s a dangerous word, you know, that some Parties are using to their political advantage. After the kidnappers are condemned for their mistake in a long punishment, they should be re-educated for the betterment of society.”
De Vlaminck believes a solution to the WET problem is already in the making.
“The people there have spoken. A revolution has happened. They’re taking their fate into their hands and we should help them by not condeming them. I see them as an example for the rest of Eutopia. Don’t nag the government, but take some actiion yourself. It’s how the first worker republics were established after WW1. "
De Vlaminck was about to point his finger at this reporter, but then realized he didn’t have it.“I don’t see a Topa problem. I see a Topa solution.”
A this, his girlfriend told this reporter. “I think Archy needs some rest now.”
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