• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

loki100

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In which Bogota joins the realm

Dramatis Personae:

Harry, who has had to become a Management Consultant now Gabi has lost their savings
Gabi, who is both rubbish with the finances and is finding the modern world a bit confusing
Rafe, who is, as usual, just confused
Astarte, a frustrated Empress, left unsatisfied, by
Michael, an Archangel whose reputation has been sullied
Two Generals who forgot to watch out for the Crocodiles
Our Nameless IT person, who is still reading the emails

Scene 1: A coffee bar in New York

Our IT person is still reading. Some of the emails are a bit salacious, so salacious he spills his caffeine free extra milky late (made with Columbian coffee beans).





Scene 2: The Government offices in Caracas

"Ah Senor Harold, so glad you could join our little discussion"

"Ah its nothing"

At which the finance minister is heard to mutter

"well its not costing nothing"

"... in any case, Senor Harold ... you see the question of Columbia has come up again ... what do you advise"

"Well as we used to say, once you've started you may as well finish ... and look everyone else is rather busy at the moment"



"I protest"

"Yes General Alfaro?"

"If we do this, we cannot make any further moves for 8 years"



Scene 3: The Graveyard



The two gravediggers are digging another small grave

"Have to say, things are easier these days"

"yep, these crocodile attacks, certainly make it easier to bury whats left"



Harry and General Falcon approach



"You see the way our nation treats its fallen heros"

Scene 4: The Bar

Harry is arguing with Gabi

"Look I have no choice, after you lost all our investments, we need the money ... anyway, I have a feeling that Management Consultancy is going to be a big thing in the near future"

"But the war"

"Well it mostly went well ...



"ok, this was unfortunate ... but it was his own fault"



The foreign minister, Senor Alfons de Alphonso wanders in

"Ah Senor Harold ... again your contribution to our nation's wellbeing is appreciated ... your coffee brings us allies ....



... and tells those treacherous rogues in Ecuador just what we think of them"



Gabi retires to check his emails



Scene 5: The Cabinet office



"So we have to give in?"



"He is very persuasive ... I understand he has more pictures"



"Oh ok"​
 

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Ah, Harry's working a nice line in blackmail - he's like J. Edgar Hoover, but he has that crocodile, to boot. :)

Speaking of that crocodile, I like the way you took just about the least threatening picture possible, whenever a general needs to be eaten. It's as close as any crocodile could be to a handbag while still having its feet!

Best line by far has to be Michael's 'I hate you both, especially one of you.' You can just feel the sulky teenager vibe coursing through it :D
 

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Ah, Harry's working a nice line in blackmail - he's like J. Edgar Hoover, but he has that crocodile, to boot. :)

Speaking of that crocodile, I like the way you took just about the least threatening picture possible, whenever a general needs to be eaten. It's as close as any crocodile could be to a handbag while still having its feet!

Best line by far has to be Michael's 'I hate you both, especially one of you.' You can just feel the sulky teenager vibe coursing through it :D
ah, the crocodile, yes that is a good idea, I think its time for it to meet its match (or its maker)

I think poor Michael really cannot decide which of them he most dislikes, especially as he is still in love with one of them ...
 

loki100

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In which Harry modernises his team

Dramatis Personae:

Harry: A bar owner/management consultant who is not very considerate to his staff
Astarte: An Empress whose population prefer to live with Harry
Michael: An Archangel around whom rumours do rather swirl
Beelzebub: A crocodile who meets his maker
Freyja: A glamourous Swedish immigrant who needs a new handbag
Gabi: Now in charge of feeding the cat (the rabbit is too dangerous)

Scene 1: Our IT person continues to read the emails



He comes to doubt if international politics really were conducted for the reasons he was originally taught.



Scene 2: A series of short cameos in and around the Bar

Harry is checking over the latest population statistics while having his morning drink.

He starts spluttering.

"Hey, Gabi look at this, do that pair think I'd not have noticed ..."



"what can we do?"

"When was Beelzebub last fed?"



A few days later, a well dressed Swedish woman enters the bar and beckons Gabi over



"You know that was just what I needed ... and enough for some shoes too ... so tell Harry next time we'll be less restrained"



Later that day, Harry returns from the Foreign Ministry

"Harry, I've bad news ... sob ... beelzie didn't make it back"

"oh"

"well a bit of him did, but he's now a handbag"

"ok ... I'll be out the back feeding the rabbit ...



and don't annoy the cat while I'm gone"



at which Gabi can be heard asking plaintively

"but Harry, what does this mean?"



Scene 3: The War Ministry

"Minister, I really do have to complain ... I mean not only is our infamy so high we can no longer wage war on anyone ... but have you seen this list of useless idiots your new management consultant has recruited?"



Shortly after, just outside a rabbit approaches ... as General Porras turns into a side street ... sounds of a scuffle ...



shortly afterwards heart-rending screams are heard.



Scene 4: Outside the Graveyard

Harry and the Foreign Minister are leaving.

"well that was more tasteful than the funerals after the crocodile attacks"

"bigger coffin you mean"

"yes, just so much more appropriate, even if took ages to find all the pieces"

Harry looks up and spots graffiti on the wall

"whats that"

"oh, seems to be the new diplomatic approach ... you know posting stuff up on our wall when they disagree with each other"



 

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"Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine..." I wonder how Harry looks in a white dinner jacket. ;)

There's a ton of good stuff in this update (Michael's email address, the handbag, the homicidal rabbit, the writing on the wall...), but dragging in Casablanca sure is my favorite. Ah, I can see it now, Harry with a slug of whisky and tux, Gabi at the piano... Well no, not really, but it's a nice thought. :)

PS: speaking of homicidal rabbits, there's also Night of the Lepus, if you're looking for further inspiration. :)
 

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I am quite keen on that creature with pointy teeth myself. Has anyone got an hand-grenade just in case?
 

morningSIDEr

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Wonderful stuff. Especially liked these lines;

'From now on, I will not be used by you ... and I had a medical, it is not that small'

'Oh yes, a big (lol) industrial muscle'

Glad to note the newly introduced wall further aid such mature and reasoned diplomatic communication.

A pity that poor Beelzie has already met his end, although he has become a very fashionable bag, thankfully though both Thumper and Fluffy seem to be filling in very well!
 

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"Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine..." I wonder how Harry looks in a white dinner jacket. ;)

There's a ton of good stuff in this update (Michael's email address, the handbag, the homicidal rabbit, the writing on the wall...), but dragging in Casablanca sure is my favorite. Ah, I can see it now, Harry with a slug of whisky and tux, Gabi at the piano... Well no, not really, but it's a nice thought. :)

PS: speaking of homicidal rabbits, there's also Night of the Lepus, if you're looking for further inspiration. :)
It did just seem to fit, well I'm sure there will be more Swedish problems so there could well be more references, and that movie poster looks very appropriate

I am quite keen on that creature with pointy teeth myself. Has anyone got an hand-grenade just in case?
too early for such inventions? In any case, things take a surprising turn in the next post, giving the rabbit a key role in improving the military performance of the Venezuelan army

Wonderful stuff. Especially liked these lines;

'From now on, I will not be used by you ... and I had a medical, it is not that small'

'Oh yes, a big (lol) industrial muscle'

Glad to note the newly introduced wall further aid such mature and reasoned diplomatic communication.

A pity that poor Beelzie has already met his end, although he has become a very fashionable bag, thankfully though both Thumper and Fluffy seem to be filling in very well!
the next bit of diplomacy isn't really that subtle, more a case of knocking the wall over ... fortunately thumper and fluffy save the nation's honour ... and Harry's bar too
 

loki100

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In which Brazil takes exception ... and has some large friends to help

Dramatis Personae

Harry: A bar owner turned military strategist
Thumper, a rabbit: who installs military zeal into the Venezuelan Army
Joan of Arc:an easily led French ruler who is taken in by -
Fluffy, the kitten: who carries out complex diplomatic missions
Michael: An archangel who faces mounting (sic) problems


Scene 1: The Bar, just before opening time, Harry and Gabi are checking their emails






When the door bursts open and the Foreign Minister crashes in:

"Senor Harold, we we we ...."

Harry looks up expectantly

"we have a problem ..."



Scene 2: The War Ministry

"So Senor Harold, let me be clear ... your advice is ... and as a military man, I find this hard to even say ... we don't fight"

"Quite correct General Paez, they outnumber us, their army is better than ours ... we avoid combat, we retake towns they capture ... soon ... they become bored .... if not, well she does have a thing about voices"



Scene 3: Outside General Paez's House

A half eaten carrot lies ominous on a bench in the garden



The general comes home and opens the garden gate

Soon after, screams are heard.



Scene 4: The Bar

Harry is feeding the rabbit



"well done, Thumper, well done ... I told them not to fight ..."



"Now lets end this war"

"Hey, Fluffy, time for you to earn your keep, now off to Chile, just look cute and when they turn their backs ...



well you know what to do"

A few days later, after several horrible and hard to explain deaths, Chile offers terms



Fluffy is then sent to France

"now this time, do the voices ... no need to actually dismember her, she's pretty unstable as it is ... oh and no, I repeat, no jokes about matches, thats what got us into this mess in the first instance"


 

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A nice short pointless war from France and Brazil. They could not resist Fluffy for long.

Also I have to say this post had the most extreme close-up of a root vegatable I have seen in an AAR so far. Surely that deserves an award.....

It seems you have won something...
Mr Capiatlist was probably worried you would send Thumper round if you did not get some sort of award for this.
 

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Also I have to say this post had the most extreme close-up of a root vegatable I have seen in an AAR so far. Surely that deserves an award.....
Hear, hear! :)

I am stunned by Harry's seeming competence. Fluffy and Thumper sure know how to get things done... It seems Harry has learned a thing or two since his bar outside of Heaven closed down.

Nice to see the continued ribbing of Michael and congratulations on extricating yourself from that war unscathed.
 

loki100

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It seems you have won something...
well thank you ... really very appreciated

A nice short pointless war from France and Brazil. They could not resist Fluffy for long.

Also I have to say this post had the most extreme close-up of a root vegatable I have seen in an AAR so far. Surely that deserves an award.....
It was a strange bit of gameplay, I was busily collecting screenshots on the diplomatic rows between the US, France and the UK in the region, trying to work out a story line and all of a sudden Brazil invades. My guess is they must have got the border incident event. Oddly I had problems with the French and Chile but never saw a single Brazilian brigade - they've been at war a lot with Peru and Bolivia and I suspect have suffered a lot of attrition. Which harms them in the next update.

The carrot is a bit of a shocker isn't it ...

Hear, hear! :)

I am stunned by Harry's seeming competence. Fluffy and Thumper sure know how to get things done... It seems Harry has learned a thing or two since his bar outside of Heaven closed down.

Nice to see the continued ribbing of Michael and congratulations on extricating yourself from that war unscathed.
One thing in my favour was I could retake provinces faster than even the French could siege them, so once Chile opted out, it was just a case of avoiding battles and taking back the province they'd just captured and hoping for the white peace event to fire.

Harry's competence continues, it has to end, and I fear the end will be spectacular ..
 

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In which Harry takes revenge

Dramatis Personae:
Harry, a bar owner with dreams of improving his status
Gabi, an archangel on his way to being a famous icon
Fluffy, a cat going down well in Europe
Rafe, an archangel with a new role in Rome
Michael, an archangel who is the butt of most jokes and has lost half his country

Scene 1: A Bar in New York

Our IT person is working his way through the emails ..











However, as ever, the emails do not tell the full story:

Scene 2: Various Government offices

Harry is checking the wall on his way to his office at the Government



Slightly later, the issue of problems with the new officer recruits is being discussed



"And ... I think we need to review the contract we ..."

Harry takes out a pile of carrots



"No maybe not"

Scene 3: The Bar



Gabi is back from his trip up the Amazon.

"so ..."

"well I think we convinced them, but Harry, I'm a bit concerned ..."



"about"

"the pictures"

"don't worry ... you'll be famous"



Scene 4: Harry is sitting in his office



Thinking about how to become more powerful than the Netherlands



And a future political role:




 

loki100

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In which Harry becomes important


Dramatis Personae:
Harry - a bar owner, going up in the world
Gabi - a revolutionary who inspired the wrong revolution and was sent off up the Nile as a result
Joan of Arc - still totally besotted with
Fluffy - a very diplomatic little cat
Astarte - an agrieved ruler
Wotan - a German ruler plotting with
Odin and Freyja - Swedish immigrants to Venezuela
Michael - who may yet be in with a chance

Scene 1: The Bar

Harry and Gabi are arguing

"but Harry, I mean look at the pictures ... you told me the pictures would make me famous"



"yes, but they were the wrong rebels"



"well some of them"



"look this isn't working out ... here's a new idea .... off you go"



On his way out Gabi notices the recent diplomatic grafitti



Scene 2: The Bar ... but after Gabi has gone

Harry is plotting with Fluffy



"Ok, we need to do something to lower everyone's impression of the Dutch ... oh and the Danes"



"yeah, great idea fluffy, that'll remind everyone that they have a dubious past"

"What about ... nah won't work ... lets blame them for this"



"that should work[1]"



Scene 3: The cafe where our IT person is still reading the emails










Scene 4: The Venezuelan Ministry of Defense

Harry is explaining what to do now

"and after we beat them ... well we sort of take control of their resources ... but don't actually occupy the country"



"and then we do the same again to someone else"

In the meantime on a wall in downtown Buenas Aires ... a message appears



[1] - it was either a picture of Siropwaffelen or Drop ... either should be enough
 

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Still loving all of the size related jokes, especially the email address for poor Michael; Michael@you've_shrunk_recently.gov.us!

Very well done on reaching great power status, especially since you survived that odd declaration of war by Brazil and Harry has not yet returned to shocking incompetency. However I do worry that now you are a great power Astarte is going to become far more of an annoyance. Interesting that you are quickly catching up with the score of Russia, I guess they have not managed to ever fully recover from Rurikovich rule so many centuries ago!
 

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Well I was very surprised at the great power thing, running tests, I could get to #9-10 quite easily (all those immigrants) but no further. That treaty between Columbia and Bolivia made all the difference as they lost most of their army in the war with Brazil and Russia seems to have built no industry which is keeping them with a very low score. Other than sphering most of Latin America (& conquering the last few bits with N Andean population), I'm not utterly sure what to do now ...
 

loki100

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In which Harry comes over all diplomatic

Dramatis Personae:
Harry, a bar owner and international peace keeper (if Kissinger can do it, why not Harry?)
Wotan, an easily appeased German
Quetzalcoatl, a Mexican with problems with his neighbour
Michael, an archangel trying to grow his realm
Ra, an Egyptian with old fashioned views
Gabi, increasingly unhappy with his new role
Rafe, enjoying being the Pope
Thumper, banned from carrots due to the camel incident, now training the diplomatic service

The relevant emails:















... and on the diplomatic wall



Scene 1: The Bar

The minister of defense is drunk, very drunk

"Harry, you are my friend ... I mean you really are my friend?"

"of course, of course, have another drink"

"its just we don't make war any more like we used to ... now we are a Great Power its all ... just influencing (sob) ... all talk ... no action

even with the yankees, do we fight ... no just peace"

Harry shouts over to Gabi

"start roasting some new coffee ... "

"and, senor Harold, I mean not only do we not make war but the new troops have no guns ... its not fair we need guns"

Harry agrees



"there, there, never mind ... now why not go with Gabi, he's got somewhere nice and warm for you to lie down in"​
 
Last edited:

Alfredian

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"there, there, never mind ... now why not go with Gabi, he's got somewhere nice and warm for you to lie down in"
The lengths Harry will go to to give his special coffee flavour is extraordinary. Is this flavour roasted Colombian?