INTRODUCTION
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western region of Europe lies a small unregarded Duchy.
In this duchy there are a few counties and some other bits and bobs filled with people whose not at all ape-descended because evolution is wrong and hasn't even been invented yet inhabitants are so amazingly primitive they still think burning people for being a tad different is a pretty neat idea.
This duchy has a problem, which is this: it is populated almost entirely by idiots and the biggest idiots were the ones leading the duchy. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the beheading of all the clever people so noone would know what idiocy was which is odd because on a whole it wasn't the swords carrting out the beheading that were idiots.
And so the problem remained; lots of people were idiots, and most of them were unhappy, even those that got to burn the others.
And then, on one Thursday, over 1000 years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a man took power of this duchy, he knew how to put everything right and make people no longer idiots, but enlightened individuals, each with free thought and ideas. This time it was right, this time it would work and noone would have to get nailed to anything.
Sadly, before his plan could be put into practice he was assassinated and a far more stupid individual took power.
This is not the story of the clever chap.
This is the story of that idiot and some of the things he did.
It is also the story of a book, a book called The Crusader's Guide to The Holy Land.
A wholly remarkable book.
In fact it was probably the most remarkable book evert to come out of the great publishing corporations of Surrey, of which noone in the duchy had heard of.
Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly succesful one - more popular than the Shield and Weapon Upkeep Omnibus, better selling than 128 More Things To Do With A Pointy Stick And A Heathen and more controversial than Gregor Kaleman's trilogy of philosophical block-busters Why God Is Not Quite As Good As The Pope Says, Why The Pope Is Not Quite As Good As The Pope Says and Why The Inquisition Is Outside My House.
In many of the more relaxed Duchies in Europe the Crusader's Guide has already surpassed the great Encyclopedia Crusadica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom as it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.
First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words BURN HERETICS printed in large, judgemental letters on the cover.
The story of this terrible, stupid Duke, the story of his stupid ideas and the story of how this is inexplicably intertwined with this remarkable book begins very simply.
It begins with a fool.
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western region of Europe lies a small unregarded Duchy.
In this duchy there are a few counties and some other bits and bobs filled with people whose not at all ape-descended because evolution is wrong and hasn't even been invented yet inhabitants are so amazingly primitive they still think burning people for being a tad different is a pretty neat idea.
This duchy has a problem, which is this: it is populated almost entirely by idiots and the biggest idiots were the ones leading the duchy. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the beheading of all the clever people so noone would know what idiocy was which is odd because on a whole it wasn't the swords carrting out the beheading that were idiots.
And so the problem remained; lots of people were idiots, and most of them were unhappy, even those that got to burn the others.
And then, on one Thursday, over 1000 years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a man took power of this duchy, he knew how to put everything right and make people no longer idiots, but enlightened individuals, each with free thought and ideas. This time it was right, this time it would work and noone would have to get nailed to anything.
Sadly, before his plan could be put into practice he was assassinated and a far more stupid individual took power.
This is not the story of the clever chap.
This is the story of that idiot and some of the things he did.
It is also the story of a book, a book called The Crusader's Guide to The Holy Land.
A wholly remarkable book.
In fact it was probably the most remarkable book evert to come out of the great publishing corporations of Surrey, of which noone in the duchy had heard of.
Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly succesful one - more popular than the Shield and Weapon Upkeep Omnibus, better selling than 128 More Things To Do With A Pointy Stick And A Heathen and more controversial than Gregor Kaleman's trilogy of philosophical block-busters Why God Is Not Quite As Good As The Pope Says, Why The Pope Is Not Quite As Good As The Pope Says and Why The Inquisition Is Outside My House.
In many of the more relaxed Duchies in Europe the Crusader's Guide has already surpassed the great Encyclopedia Crusadica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom as it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.
First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words BURN HERETICS printed in large, judgemental letters on the cover.
The story of this terrible, stupid Duke, the story of his stupid ideas and the story of how this is inexplicably intertwined with this remarkable book begins very simply.
It begins with a fool.
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