One For All, All for Almohad!
You think you can do better, hefe?
Almohadia, under 'Abd al-Mu'min
Obviously, Im not a normal guy. Normal guys cant jump bodies… well, they can I guess, but not in the way IM thinking. Yessiree Bob, Im a body-hopping, pill-popping Elvis impersonator, and Im here to say – hail to the King baby!
In January of 1160, I found myself ejected from the body of Baudouin, King of Jerusalem. Which was a shame, because it was a nice body. But perhaps it was for the best, since he was going to die in 1162 anyway. Did I mention Im clairvoyant? OOoooo-EeeeEEee-Ooooo!
So, ejected from my body, I wandered for a little while, here and there. Of course, time has no meaning when youre in the Deadlands, so when I finally came to rest in the body of ‘Abd al-Mu’min (lit: “Hairy Body”), the leader of the Almohads, no time had passed for the rest of the world. Keen, neh?
Abd al-Mu’min (hairy bugger, innit?)
Old al-Mu’min is a bit of a conqueror it seems, having conquered all of North Africa west of Egypt and pretty much all of Moslem Spain. Really theres not much for me to do. I do note that he has assembled quite a large army. Larger than these puritanical Berbers can afford really. I contemplate disbanding a whole bunch of troops, but then I think: “What would Elvis do?” Probably eat a hamburger and sing Love Me Tender, which isn’t exactly helpful advise. Thanks Elvis. Th-hank-yoo very much. What the hell, I say – they want a big army, they got one! Besides, Im going to need a large army if Im going to conquer those annoying Christians in North Iberia that keep raiding me.
Those same Christians have declared war on the Emirate of Baleares, a group of strategic islands off my North African coast. Well, nuts to that I say, and declare a war of my own. Baleares, you see, belongs to me. I march my King over their quick smart, let the Castillian Navy dispatch with that of Baleares, let Leon take the bloody beachhead and then I land myself. Being that Im a King (in fact, Im The King) I quickly steal the siege, and a few months later, Baleares is added to the United States of ROCK! Although my fellow Berber’s insist on calling it Almohadia. Ffft!
Suddenly Tripoli, whom I apparently was at war with, surrender. (I mean, its Tripoli, would you notice?) I have a bad enough reputation already without that useless piece of desert, so I am content just vassalising them. Ha ha ha!
Someone starts giving me some guff about invading the Emirate of Murcia, my ally in Eastern Iberia. But Im a lover, not a fighter (pelvic thrust) so I say Let My People Go. Actually, I say “Let the Murcians be”. I mean, their king is called the
Wolf King! You don’t mess with someone who has that kind of cachet.
All of a sudden, my host body dies! I was trying to shave with an axe, when I slipped and its head flew off! You had to see it to believe it! I resolve to be more careful in future, and possess the body of Abu Ya’kub Yusef, who’s most appealing feature is a distinct lack of hair. Oh, and the fact that he is heir to the throne of Zamunda. I mean, Almohadia. And its not like he a 'distinct' lack of hair – he has SOME hair, but it’s just a normal amount. Not Robin-Williams-on-crack style. Hell just Robin-Williams-normal is a freaky amount of hair.
Abu Ya’kub Yusef (nice hair, but what a nose!)
Yusef is a pretty nice chap, lots of room in his head for me to stretch out. Mostly because of that nose! And he’s a young, good looking fellow – doesn’t hurt when Im down the local casbah, you know what I mean? Still, Ive got plans – so when people start yelling at me to exile some guy just because he’s a Jew I sing them a little ditty I call “Blue Moon”. They call me a devil, but that’s okay – its just the way I play, baby. Anyway, this Maimonides chap is now a councillor of mine, and I can concentrate on Operation Heartbreak Hotel, which involves the Kingdom of Leon, myself, and 75,000 friends and family. The Christians, being boring, simply call it “The Rudding Great Moslem Invasion of 1164, You Berk”. Honestly, I just asked!
Of course, when I send out my war declarations, I like to invite a few special guests. Shortly after the initial declaration (which only Leon responded too, thought that was a bit mean) Castille said we were at war, and so did Aragon & Provence, Portugal, the Tuaregs, and Cyrenica & the Fatimids. Even Tripoli, whom I didn’t think would join the party because they were my vassal, decided to break the vassalage, and said they were warring with me too. What a party!
You might think Id be worried, but I wasn’t. Why you say? Because I knew that the Wolf King of Murcia was on MY side! Who says good deeds don’t pay off? He brutally savaged Castille and Aragon, keeping them off my flank for the next four years. Which was how long the war took.
By late 1168 I had annexed Portugal, taken Cantabria from Castille, and forced Leon to hand over Asturias and Galicia. The Wolf King of Murcia (damn that’s such a cool name!) had reduced the Aragonese to Catalon, which basically broke the power of the Spanish Christians in Iberia. At least for the time being. I had forced the Fatimids and Tripoli to accept a white peace, but was forced to hand over the Sahara to the Tuaregs. Damn! (snicker) The Sahara! Bwah ha ha! Stupid Tuaregs…
After putting down a few revolts in 1169, I entered 1170 at the head of a large kingdom, having added five provinces (Cantabria, Asturias, Galicia, Baleares, and Tago), but lost one (Sahara). Not a bad exchange!
The United States of ROCK, under Caliph Abu Ya'kub Yusef