The Alexandriad: A Personal History of the Times of King Alexander I the Conquerer

[Ricardo Rolo]

Well all of this talk about the length of this AAR revolves around the assumption that Anna will outlive Alexander, and unless you are going to kill Alexander on propose, that is not assured But I would definitely approve a continuation after Anna finishes her book

 

[LordTempest]

Well all of this talk about the length of this AAR revolves around the assumption that Anna will outlive Alexander, and unless you are going to kill Alexander on propose, that is not assured But I would definitely approve a continuation after Anna finishes her book

Actually it is.

In the words of a far more eminent AAR author than myself: "I am not interested in the AI's disregard for my ideas." If Anna were to die before Alexander than the entire premise of this AAR would be destroyed. For story purposes I will have keep Anna alive until after her husband dies. (for say two or three years in order to give her time to writer her biography of Alexander) Because Anna is of crucial importance to the story and of negligible value to the game itself, I see no real harm in just "ignoring" her death when it occurs in game. Obviously I can't do this for Alexander, as he is of crucial importance to both game and story, so when he dies in the game so shall he die in the AAR.

I vaguely remember a Secret History-style AAR (must've been CK) from ages ago. If you can pull it off consistently (and, given Anna's consistent opinions on Normans, badgers, Irish, Scots, I'm sure you could) then it would make for some very entertaining reading.

That is but one idea I'm currently toying around with, but thanks for the vote of confidence!

 

[unmerged(9167)]

Excellent story!

I am loving Anna's spin on the events, especially her line about reminding us that there are no Turks in England. It makes me wonder what Anna would think if a Turk immigrant to England and marry a Norman then they have a kid. That must be a nightmare for Anna, to imagine a Turk and Norman procreate together to a even bigger abomination without even any remote redeeming quality Turks and Normans might have held.

 

[Nikolai]

Poor Anna, not easy with those dwarfish scheming daughter-in-laws.

 

[aldriq]

Well, I'm glad you briefly mentioned this AAR (11 times...) in your recent AARlander interview, because it completely passed me by back in the day. It is another Christmas treat to read, what with all those cuddly badgers and weasels and ale-soaked Hibernians And it has one of the best euphemisms I've read in CK2 (that reciting of Ovid). Any plans to give us a conclusion to Anna's story?

Now, back to catch up with Eagle to Phoenix...

 

[LordTempest]

An update is never early, nor is it ever late! It arrives precisely when I mean it to do!

BTW Aldriq, I think you might just be clairvoyant.

 

[LordTempest]

At last the years of divisiveness and division, of terror and turmoil in Ireland were drawing to a close, and with them the chaotic, almost barbaric years of Irish self-rule. (I give the Irish due credit; they are not quite as barbaric as those hated Turks!) In its place would be put the enlightened governance of a just and pious Anglo-Romano-Dutch King from a palace across the Irish Sea. Inexplicably the local Hibernians seemed less than thrilled about this, and continued their frankly irrational hostile opposition against their Anglo-Romano-Dutch betters. Dear reader, let it be known and understood that I have put myself at great inconvenience and stress in the name of fairness and impartiality to try and comprehend why the Hibernians reacted to such an obvious and most selfless act of charity with such frank and open hostility, but alas, I find the Hibernian “mind” nothing short of incomprehensible. My time would have been better spent analysing the faeces of my pet baboons.

But I digress. The Hibernian nobility continued their resistance – in particular the earls, or counts,[1] for which the Irish as befitting such a rude and uncivilised people refer to in the most indecent of language by a word more suitable for use in a vulgar medical textbook on female anatomy than for a member of the titled nobility! Oh the shame and indecency that must befall all those poor and wretched people cursed to be born to parents of Hibernian heritage! Merely thinking about those poor souls made my heart bleed, and so I endeavoured to convince Alexandros that liberating the Hibernians from the shackles of Hibernian oppression was a priority, not merely for the good of the realm, but for their own sake.

Fortunately, I had the young Duke Ranulf on my side. For such a little child, his arguments and tears could be quite persuasive, especially when I threatened to take away his large collection of toy soldiers and burn them on a large pyre deep within the Irish woods if he didn't turn on the waterworks – but once more, I digress.

Looking back on those long departed days of the 1140's from the vantage point of the present, much of it strikes me as quaint. Back then, waging war was a much simpler pursuit: our levies were, or at least to myself appeared to be, much larger and mercenaries, which to be fair we seldom needed to hire anyway, were a lot less expensive also. We didn't need to put up with handfuls of Norse heathens raping and pillaging their way across Middlesex and Devon every few months either (why do the Norsemen always try to pillage Middlesex and Devon and nowhere else in England? Hm, it must have something to do with the cows... or the weasels.) Italians looked a lot less grotesque back then too, Jewish nobles in Christendom were all but unheard of and not once do I ever recall hearing educated subjects speak of “Anglo-Saxons” when referring to Saxons nor of “petty kingdoms” when referring to duchies. Oh, things were much simpler in those days; bid time return!

As I recall, Ulster and Tyrconnell was next to fall, leaving only the barbarous province of Breifne out of civilised Anglo-Romano-Dutch hands. One was privy to so many little wars and conflicts and other... minor inconveniences in those days that it can be hard for one as old as myself to keep track of them all. Oh, things would be far less complex if the Hibernians had not insisted on making every little ale house into its own barony – I shudder to think of what the Irish word for Baron might be.

I do recall though, that by the end of that turbulent decade I breathed a massive sigh of relief. Once Breifne was captured never again would I be forced to spend another hour no minute in that Godforsaken place we call Hibernia. There is only so much barbarity a noble woman born into the purple such as I can suffer; the burdens one must sometimes bear in the name of Kingdom and husband.

Alas, the barbarous Picts of the north remained unpacified, so Alexandros and I could not afford to cease from our duties for long. I do however recall a most splendid feast that following Christmas, paid for in its entirety by the Holy Father himself![2]

When one has spent so much of one's life in another country – and in a particularly backward and barbarous part of it at that – one cannot help but feel a longing for home: home, sweet civilised Rome. Dear Alexandros was ever so kind to me that Christmas, and did his utmost to bring a little bit of Constantinople back to Westminster. I recall that together the two of us went up to the White Tower, and found ourselves a suitable Norse heathen, who was then summarily castrated and blinded with a hot poker. Oh, it simply isn't a proper Roman Christmas without the traditional blinding and castrating of an imprisoned heathen, although naturally a Norseman is a poor substitute for the Eunuchisation of a Turk. That being said, I have no qualms whatsoever about practising this most sacred of Roman Christmas traditions on a Norseman, for they surely would do the similar to us Christians at their godless Yuletide feasts.

The joy and gaiety of Christmas and New Year celebrations was quickly drowned out once more by the seriousness of impending affairs of state. Our chancellor, the Duke of York, had spent most of those hallowed Christmas nights holed up in his stately home poring over old documents of impeccable legitimacy and pedigree, as was often his wont.

He had much to live up to, as dear Evrard unfortunately had been kicked out of his own Duchy by some Hibernian harlot. I never liked the witch: she was always much too clever and honest for her own good. More importantly, she was also Irish; with a barbarous Pict for a husband and a son.[3] No, I wouldn't put that sort of thing beyond her.

On the plus side, at least she wasn't a murderous dwarven daughter-in-law...

Poor Evrard was heartbroken and had little choice but to relocate back to Jerusalem to fight Turks in the desert sands all day; I envied him. Back in England, the poor old Duke spent hour after hour poring over his parchments, until finally, after much agonising, he emerged with a claim which illustrated for all to see that Alexandros was the rightful lord of two Scottish provinces. [4] When some Pictish lords refused to accept the legitimacy of the parchment based solely on the unreasonable and unfair complaint that the fact it was written in the script of the Saxon tongue in English ink and on a piece of linen made only in darkest Yorkshire, it became clear to dear Alexandros that only the sharp point of a sword would convince such a petty people as the Picts.

Notes:

[1] The Irish term for a count/viscount in written form, if memory serves me right, is rather similar in spelling to a certain rude Saxon word for the female genitalia. Anna, who has likely established some familiarity with written Saxon over the course of her stay in England, would not wish for such a term to pollute her pure, virginial history. One assumes that prior to English occupation, the Norse-Saxon-inspired term Iarla – Earl, would not have achieved wide currency in Hibernia outside of Dublin.

[2] No, England did not send a single soldier overseas to fight in this war against whomever it was we were supposedly at war with at the time; but who am I to say no to His Holiness?

[3] Her late husband had been the Duke of Moray.

[4] As you can plainly see, my Chancellor is Bismarckian in his awesomeness. I was supposed to send him to Fife, but unfortunately I misclicked and by the time I was able to move him again he had already forged a claim on Gowrie!
​

 

[DensleyBlair]

Oh frabjous day! Now we only need a visit from Gerrit, Johan et al.

A fine return to form, Tanzhang. My appetite is nicely whetted for more.

 

[aldriq]

BTW Aldriq, I think you might just be clairvoyant.

Well I never... I should try the lotto this week.

[1] The Irish term for a count/viscount in written form, if memory serves me right, is rather similar in spelling to a certain rude Saxon word for the female genitalia. Anna, who has likely established some familiarity with written Saxon over the course of her stay in England, would not wish for such a term to pollute her pure, virginial history.

I can imagine this being linguistically sound. After all, certain unflattering words are definitely best left out of any proper Roman lady's narration, lest Normans think weasely-badgery thoughts :glare:

Let's try to avoid even the semblance of hinting at that particular word (which gets my vote for the worst word in the English language, shall we? -- Avindian

 

[Viden]

What word is this? :huh:

 

[LordTempest]

Densley: Oh, but Christmastime has reminded me just how much of an awesome game CKII is! In between this AAR and From Eagle to Phoenix I have little room to write anything else!

Aldriq: Maybe you should? And, should you win a substantial amount of money, remember whom it was who prompted you to buy the ticket in the first place; I expect a substantial fee for my services.

Viden: *holds hands over ears* LALALALALALALALALALALA - not listening - LALALALALALALALALALA!

 

[Viden]

Viden: *holds hands over ears* LALALALALALALALALALALA - not listening - LALALALALALALALALALA!

So, because I am not an English-speaker I must remain in the dark? That is not fair.

 

[LordTempest]

So, because I am not an English-speaker I must remain in the dark? That is not fair.

Oh good heavens no! But as Anna says, she would rather prefer if her history was not tainted by the utterance of such a vulgar word.

 

[aldriq]

Aldriq: Maybe you should? And, should you win a substantial amount of money, remember whom it was who prompted you to buy the ticket in the first place; I expect a substantial fee for my services.

Given that my highest winnings since I've lived in England have been £10... expect a £2.37 commission

 

[LordTempest]

Given that my highest winnings since I've lived in England have been £10... expect a £2.37 commission

Hey, two AARs in almost as many days? I like those odds.

 

[JanBDim]

Me again

Scrolling through Paradox forum's many fine AARs I always seem to find my way to yours. I found and read this AAR earlier this year, and was sad to see it was apparently dead. But just when I started reading the Alexiad for myself, it seems to be reborn like the glorious purple phoenix. Uncanny really.

Anyway, keep it up, and count me in

 

[morningSIDEr]

Wonderful to see this appear updated on my subscription list once more. I've been busy catching up, excellent stuff as per usual, chapter five unsurprisingly my favourite.

Quite why you would wish to 'liberate' Lothian entirely beyond me however. None but useless blaggards live there!

Meanwhile the race to liberate Lothian was still on. Fortunately Duke Angus' “intervention” in the war slowed King Lambert down somewhat: as soon as he had unpacked his siege engines (or whatever those Picts used to batter down castle walls... Perhaps they'd have their soldiers headbutt them en masse? That would explain an awful lot...)​

How did Anna learn the secrets of Scottish siege warfare?

Acquisition of Lothian aside, very welcome to note that Britain and Ireland are increasingly being saved from benighted rule.​

 

[Stuyvesant]

Ah, it's back! And updated clearly to newer patch versions/expansions of the game (nicely explained in-character - the cheerful castrating and blinding of a Norseman was a particular highlight. Though I can't quite see it catch on as much as a jolly Christmas tree: too expensive for the common man).

Anna shows some more glimpses of her workings (see: Duke Ranulf) and does some more 'reinterpreting' of events and motivations. Well, at least she won't have to deal with the Emerald Isle anymore, that ought to have made her happy.