I just Cult to Say I Love You
1681
An undisclosed location in Southeast Asia
Hidden Temple
“My liege, I bring news!” said the robed figure hurrying into the throne room. Brother John Jerry, the Brotherhood’s official jester, was perturbed that he was unable to finish his latest creative offering, “Codpieces: What’s up with that?” and sulked at the interruption.
While the throne room was distinctly Asian, it had once been the inner sanctuary of a temple built by the Khmer people centuries ago, it was now occupied almost exclusively by Europeans, and the three skulls of Europeans.
Hovering over the largest throne, the central of three thrones if there was any doubt, was a sinister floating skull (to contrast it with the more friendly floating skulls one encounters along the sunny streets of Munich or Bonn) with glowing red rubies set deep into its eye sockets. A plume of smoke from the open brazier wafted in a spiral beneath the skull in the two or three feet between it and seat of the throne. In the two side-thrones lesser skulls, as judged by the lack of glowing gems in their eye-sockets (they had only pennies) and absence of any dramatic smoke spirals beneath them, floated passively. All three turned to face the speaker.
“Deliver your report, Brother,” came the deep ominous voice that seemed to resonate from the central skull, the one which had once belonged (though it is debatable whether ownership of the cranial bone was ever actually given up - the law is unclear on cases of spiritual reanimation of bodily remains) to Brother John Sebastian.
“Yes my lord. It has come to our attention through a host of our resources, including our well-placed spies, ancient divination techniques, two-way cellular palantir globes and network of flying monkeys that the last living ancestors of Genghis Khan have perished,” Brother John Jay reported.
“YES! Then at last perhaps once of our greatest dangers has passed? If the heirs of Temujinn are at last gone, then perhaps their knowledge of the Lost Wlak goes with them?” the head-bone-in-charge speculated, “Could it be that at last we’re free? Free to live in peace and carry about our sinister plans without fear of discovery or reprisal? Free to finally abandon these damp pest-infested hiding places and walk (or float, as the case may be) freely under the sun?”
“Well, no my lord, I don’t think so,” Brother John Jay was obligated to report. “You see it appears that each of them met their deaths at the hands of one of the illuminated Bavarians.”
“Blast those infernal Bavarian Illuminati!” the remains of Brother John Sebastian cursed, “They mean to destroy their competition and then destroy us! Their quest has gone on far too long!”
(At which point all of those present, members of the Brotherhood, the other two skulls, the various rats, snakes, and insects within the temple chamber and a bleary eyed author all nodded their unanimous agreement. . . )
“What do you know about these latest events?” the disembodied voice that seemed to resonate from the central skull asked.
Brother John Jay attempted to give his report. “There are five of them, my lord. Five who. . .”
“Five? Just like in the prophecy!” interrupted the skull of Brother John Harold, which floated to right of their master.
“. . . five who carry about them the unexplainable glow. Of course, there’s their leader, Lord Augustus IV a German from the Mecklemburg provinces, after they were assimilated into Bavaria. And his second in command, the Irishman Sir Connery O’Sean, who has traveled with him ever since we placed our original curse upon him. There’s the irascible Russian, Alexis Gariepy - he proved surprising resistant to the snake-tongued charms of Brother Xian Wu. The fourth one was a bit of an unknown, an Englishmen who administers their North Pacific Lands. Not much is known about him, except that he’s a Free Mason. . .”
“A Free Mason!” the skull of Brother John Ronald broke in, “Why, we knew those buggers were up to no good! It’s likely the Illuminati have infiltrated their entire ranks!”
“Good thinking, John Harold!” offered Brother John Ronald.
A bit irritated, Brother John Jay paused. When there was no more elaboration he continued, “And as for the fifth, he’s the real mystery. His voice has been heard and his deeds are clearly documented, but no one has truly been able to claim that they’ve seen him, almost as if. . .”
“Almost as if he’s invisible!” Brother John Jerry burst in. He’d been waiting for some time to make a grand entrance back into the conversation. “And if he’s invisible that means he’s a. . .”
“He’d have to be a damned Rosicrucian!” cried Brother John Harold excitedly, “He’d have to be a damned Rosicrucian, because they are invisible, and there’s no end to what sorts of trouble they could cause! It all makes sense! It all comes together!”
“Excellent thinking John Harold!” gushed Brother John Ronald to the chagrin of Brother John Jerry, who was given no credit for his deductive work. He tried to get back into the conversation, but jesters aren’t afforded much respect or credibility.
“I hardly think we can speculate as to the exact nature of the fifth Illuminated One,” countered Brother John Jay. “And besides, there are rumors of a SIXTH illuminated one. He’s reportedly responsible for the death of the last , um, less than human descendant of Genghis Khan.”
Everyone turned up theirs nose at the reference which needed no further elaboration. Even the century old disembodied skulls could not imagine how lonely one would have to be to make love to a spider monkey.
A grim, uncomfortable silence followed.
“We can wait no longer,” John Sebastian said finally, “The magicks which we loosed to try to stop them centuries ago have become unstable. No telling what it might do if left unchecked. We must lure them here and slay them. But first we must get them to lower their guard.”
The skull paused and tilted back and forth as if in pensive contemplation.
Finally it spoke, asking those present, “Question: What, above all else, would you claim is the Bavarians’ greatest strength?”
Those present were quick to chime in:
“Intestinal fortitude, revered master?” suggested Brother John Bruce.
“Unmatched and innumerable uses for lard, oh great one?” opined Brother John Emeril.
“Digestive capacity, my lord?” offered the floating skull of Brother John Harold.
“I’d agree - digestive capacity,” seconded the other floating skull, that of Brother John Ronald.
“Can I change my answer?” asked Brother John Bruce.
“WRONG!” shouted the smoke-encircled skull at the panel of advisors crowded around him, “The correct answer is: their sheer tenacity, their obsession, in their quest to conquer China. It has taken them from a laughable minor German principality and transformed them into a laughable German world-power that spans a continent. They did this in their blind pursuit of China. However if we were to remove China. . .”
He paused for dramatic effect. No one said anything, and the dramatic effect was lessened as his smoky pillar began to dissipate (he hated when he couldn’t keep it up), so he continued.
“If we were to remove China, then the heart and soul of the Bavarian Knights would become lost and aimless. Without the Gluttonic Knights to serve them these Bavarian Illuminati would be. . .” He paused again and hoped someone would begin to see his line of thinking.
“They’d be free to come after us?” Brother John Calvin suggested weakly.
“They’d have a much healthier average cholesterol level!” chimed in Brother John Billy.
“They’d have to carry their own bags?” asked Brother John Porter.
“WRONG! Fools!” shouted Brother John Sebastian, again. This time he was too frustrated to try to explain it. “Just wait and see what happens. Just wait and see.” And he began an ominous cackle while his minions stood around him, watching, waiting, and hoping to see.
Eight hours later, Brother John Sebastian realized that in order to get his plan carried out, he would actually have to order his minions to complete a complicated and treacherous series of tasks, and so he reluctantly repealed his order to just wait and see. He hated being wrong in public.
And thus the skull of Brother John Harold was dispatched with a cadre of the Brotherhood’s most competent agents to the small European town of Bilderberg to make Anti-Illuminati plans, while the skull of Brother John Ronald was sent to China with a team of his own agents, to directly oversee the immediate implementation of his master’s diabolical and apocalyptical plan.
Brother John Jerry, however, was left to improvise whimsically for his master’s entertainment, and started reciting the top ten things that sounded dirty in Chinese, but really weren’t.
but it reads nicely from where I resumed.
