Scene 1: The trial room,
Harry and the Clerks are sat waiting for Raphael, Vladimir is chained to the bench to stop him escaping.
Load banging sounds are heard, and Raphael comes in rather flustered, a pestle and mortar fly over his head. A lightening bolt hits the ground just in front of Vladimir.
Harry perks up (he does after all rather like a bit of chaos)
Hey Raphael … does this mean that Zeus is coming out of retirement?
Look Satan, I will not be intimidated by your minions into handing a soul over to you
My minions …
We’re not HIS minions, we the old Slavic gods want a say in these trials.
And you are …
Perun, this is Svarozic, who really should be in charge of the gates of Hell, and that is Baba Yaga, oi baba, put the chicken down for the moment ..
And we should ….
Well we understand that Odin has more or less given up and in any case all this lot are doing their stuff on the sacred soil of Mother Russia, so we want to be included … or else
Or else what?
Well its not fair, someone has to put the views of the old religions in these trials.
And you promise to behave?
of course ...
Well ok, just this once I suppose, right Vladimir, take us from 1279.
Well for a while not much happened, in fact things rather improved
Though that was spoilt by my wife and bishop
And Mitrofan carried on the family tradition of really unsuitable marriages, seems as if the Spanish one couldn’t do Russian winters, but why he had to marry from Russia I don't know, I mean thats almost as bad as the Greek variant
Oi, Norse boy, watch your tongue
Perun - you promised to behave
We are behaving ... as we normally do
Well this is a proper court, oh, ok Vladimir, continue
But overall it wasn't that bad
So I prepared the ground for a future war with Poland, I really wanted to be an Emperor, and I reckoned having six king titles would do it
And more black sheep wandered home …
And if that wasn't a surprise this was … I’m bedridden, she’s not spoken to me for years
but when you're a Rurikovich, its not all sex and enjoyment, we have other demands
And that, plus the new child really paid off for my reputation
Perun turns on Harry - heh, I thought you were meant to be bad?
I am
but this, this is pathetic, you're trying to make his life a misery and he's even keeping up his status as some sort of sex god
Look its ok, I’ve got this under control, this was just to lure him into a false sense of security
Raphael looks annoyed, can you two stop arguing, its not like you even know each other, ok Vladimir please continue
And thus the child was born, I must admit every day I was expecting to be told that Ustin was a bastard
On the other hand, the assassination had some unintended effects
Leading to:
Then my marshall’s wife decided to murder someone … probably a bit inspired by Beloslava
So there am I, in bed etc, and I suddenly had an interest in events in Sicily:
King Uc, who seems to be holding Mecca in the face of the rampaging Mongols
Perun and his chums get restless … what do you reckon, yeah these Rurikovichs are a bit … aye … lets go over to Sicily then, I mean with those piety scores much more likely to be a proper Pagan
Vladimir please continue:
Anyway, after all that it was time for war with Poland, the full might of the Rurikovich war machine crashed down on them
Oh and someone else as well
Anyway, after a while the Poles got the message
Harry interjects – Vladimir the only message you seem to have sent them is that your army was commanded by a bunch of suicidal incompetent lemmings
Vladimir looks pained - But I got what I wanted, I was King of somewhere else … except no one made me Emperor
Was that a world record for injuries in a single war? Is Ustin really a bastard? And Harry's game is ... ? What do the Rurikovichs need to do to become Emperors?