Tales from our Faarthers

[Stuyvesant]

So far Ratmir is coming across as a nicely cocky sumbitch. Definitely a case of the apple falling very far from the tree (tree! Geddit? Geddit?!? Aw, fuggedaboudit).

This was my favorite line:

Well I read somewhere I needed a bastard before I was a proper Rurikovich King, but I’d rather it was MY bastard.

Very nicely done.

Overall, Ratmir is off to an uncannily good start. But if it gets too boring (in a lather-rinse-repeat kind of way, with the Mongols and all that), you can always edit and condense. Not all years are created equal, after all.

 

[Enewald]

First Georgia, than Poland.

 

[morningSIDEr]

Great stuff. I'm guessing Harry uses some of the damned as wing extensions...no wait, clearly he employs some branches!

 

[loki100]

So far Ratmir is coming across as a nicely cocky sumbitch. Definitely a case of the apple falling very far from the tree (tree! Geddit? Geddit?!? Aw, fuggedaboudit).

This was my favorite line:
Very nicely done.

Overall, Ratmir is off to an uncannily good start. But if it gets too boring (in a lather-rinse-repeat kind of way, with the Mongols and all that), you can always edit and condense. Not all years are created equal, after all.

He's a definite improvement on his brother and father, but nice ... ummh

First Georgia, than Poland.

your wish ... my command

Great stuff. I'm guessing Harry uses some of the damned as wing extensions...no wait, clearly he employs some branches!

ah, you're forgetting the unbarbecued pigs ....

 

[loki100]

Ratmir, the not that terrrible? 1237-1245

Scene 1: Throne Room in Hell

Harry is getting dressed for the next meeting of the Court and talking with Astarte.

He’s a definite you know, the sort we need down here. Tell you, with him by my side the next rebellion has no chance.

A pillar nearby gasps … well the person behind the pillar does.

And also, the next idiot with some red cross on their shield, or draped over the back of their horse [1], who leaves one of my pets an orphan

At this Harry continues to stroke the little dragon sat on his lap, the dragon stares at the pigs stuck to Harry’s wings … it is, after all, quite hungry.

Well with Ratmir, no chance. We’ll have no ‘gentle knights pricking on the plain’ [2], thank you very much

Harry suddenly rounds on Gabi,

Look be careful with my hair extensions, it was bad enough when I had to rely on the demon barber to get my hair done

Turns back to Astarte

I mean look, wars with:





ok I admit this one was their best general



and best of all



He even casually let an army get massacred:



Astarte looks worried and somewhat disbelieving

Are you really sure Harry, I mean yes he was big on drawing maps like this



But really its all talk … and blustering (typical man), the truth is he spent most of his time on domestic stuff

Complaining he couldn’t pronounce Croatian names



I mean what sort of leader of the Satanic hordes can’t pronounce Croatian?

Soppy stuff



I mean his wife, how does that fit ...

Producing Saints … not our type at all



Taking his kids report cards on campaign with him to show his generals





Obsessed with petty titles



And it took at least 4 wars before he had an injured marshall



I mean I'm not even sure he's a real Rurikovich ... Look Harry if I were you, well I think we need better evidence of his potential to be honest

Scene 2: The evidence room off the court

Kettu approaches Ukko

Hi son, look can you let me in there?

No

Look I know you think you inherited a mess off me, but let me do this and you might end up somewhere more comfortable ... Trust me

No

Or I'll set Cerberus on you

Ukko reluctantly opens the door.

Kettu enters carrying a bundle of papers. He leaves with some (different) papers.

Shortly afterwards, Harry enters, checking he is unseen, with a bundle of papers. We hear swearing and boxes being dropped. He exits without the bundle.

Astarte enters, the sound of cleaning is heard, she exits with some papers.

1 – of course being the second football related comment
2 – as Edmund Spencer described the Red Cross Knight … a reference I’m sure you all recognised. One of the reasons I came to hate English literature at school, though that line has always stuck ... for some reason.

So have the Mongols made an alliance with the Finns? Is Ratmir more a family man than mass murderer? What has happened to the trial records?
​

 

[Enewald]

No madness?
You have sane kids?

 

[morningSIDEr]

Tell you, with him by my side the next rebellion has no chance.​

At least Harry's intelligent enough to know there will be other rebellions.

Brilliant update, and I too am very suspicious regarding Ratmir's Rurikovich credentials. Four years before the first wounded marshal, and he has a saintly daughter? Very fishy!

 

[nette001]

Very fishy? There always have to be at least one black sheep in the family...

 

[Stuyvesant]

Augh! All this back and forth taxes my brain! However, I do believe Ratmir belongs down where it is always warm and cozy (and the barbecue never works): he has the evil goatee to prove it.

Nicely done and, though the actual significance of all the swapping of court papers is not yet clear to me, it makes for a nice sequence to read.

 

[loki100]

No madness?
You have sane kids?

Very fishy? There always have to be at least one black sheep in the family...

well the overall family is a lot worse than those screenshots, the kids by his first wife are a bunch of idiots, all those by his second at least start out pretty good, and his bastard son ends up with everyone of the madness traits that CK can offer

At least Harry's intelligent enough to know there will be other rebellions.

Brilliant update, and I too am very suspicious regarding Ratmir's Rurikovich credentials. Four years before the first wounded marshal, and he has a saintly daughter? Very fishy!

much much worse, its 4 wars over about 10 years with only 1 wounding, but things return to normal in the latter part of his reign

Augh! All this back and forth taxes my brain! However, I do believe Ratmir belongs down where it is always warm and cozy (and the barbecue never works): he has the evil goatee to prove it.

Nicely done and, though the actual significance of all the swapping of court papers is not yet clear to me, it makes for a nice sequence to read.

It actually covers up for some scatty screenshot collection by me, I managed to delete a bunch before translating them, so, there will be gaps, and the added/missed papers sort of help out. Oddly in the end Ratmir's fate is utterly clear, but given how long he hung around for it'll be at least 2 updates till we get there

 

[loki100]

Ratmir 1246-1251, the domestic stuff takes over

Scene 1: The Court

Harry has put himself at the centre of the table, so as to attract Ratmir’s attention. To assist with this he has had a pig stuck to each of his horns and is wearing his new suit of armour - with ‘save the dragon’ emblazoned on it.

Raphael enters and looks annoyed, Harry is sitting with his wings unfurled again, thus invading Raphael’s space

Ratmir takes his seat

Disturbingly Harry tries to both smile and wink at him at the same time, this does not work.

Raphael starts the proceedings.

Thank you Ratmir, so could you pick up where we left last time, but keep it brief if you can.

Well one of my concerns was that my children by Anastasia were proving to be increasingly useless, whilst those by Ludovica were showing real potential. Anyway I married off my eldest daughter to the independent bit, in the Crimea, least I could do to them:



And my eldest son was rather ineptly spying for Suzdal, and breeding:



Even whilst I was producing more top notch Italo-Rus kids



I think the prospect of Vasilii ever claiming the throne finished off my brother Fedot



Harry shifts rather excitedly in his seat, visions of Fedot on the left wing cutting in behind the angelic host whilst Ratmir crashes through the centre, fill his mind. In his excitement he starts nodding his head, and one of the pigs fall off

And the discrepancy between my two sets of kids just got larger



Well most of them



Which really cheered everyone else up



So here’s where we are with my elder sons, Andrei and Vladimir were Ludovica's but the others were all Anastasia's.



And amongst all this domestic stuff, the Mongols returned



so we all ganged up and beat them



Ok, at the cost of Fedot’s replacement



And then



And of course someone just didn't pay attention



Oh and my eldest son seemed to die about then



Raphael is checking his papers

Ratmir, do you have any idea how he died?

No, went to visit him on my way back from slaughtering Mongols and he was … well dead

Harry stops his internal dreams as to whether to go for two up front or for a more fluid formation to incorporate all this talent heading his way. Looking a bit surprised, he too checks his papers, scratches his head and the other pig drops off into Raphael’s lap

Scene 2: Hell, the throne room

Astarte enters

Harry where are your pigs?

Harry scratches his head

Good question, that must be why Raphael was sooo annoyed but look,
I don’t understand it, I’m sure he had him murdered, I’m sure I saw a piece of paper that said so

Anyway, we’re still on for this one, it’s a sure thing, and then watch the legions of hell move …

Given the state of the records, why is Harry so sure? Will Raphael clip his wings? Will the Mongols ever stop?
​

 

[morningSIDEr]

Harry should clearly be appointed Scotland manager. If he can call up players such as Ratmir and Fedot we may just be able to beat the average Sunday pub team! Maybe. Uhm...well probably not.

A great update as ever!

 

[iain_a_wilson]

24000 lost in one battle?!?!?!?! That's got to be some kind of record!!!

And I read the Faerie Queene at university too.

It's one of these "great" works where nothing really happens.

 

[Enewald]

Why do Mongols even come to Rus?
Poor big land, nothing worth of value to loot.

 

[iain_a_wilson]

Why do Mongols even come to Rus?
Poor big land, nothing worth of value to loot.

They looted us quite nicely in AARLand

 

[loki100]

And I read the Faerie Queene at university too.

It's one of these "great" works where nothing really happens.

Alledgedly Spencer committed suicide when the Irish burnt down his house (in Ireland) and the other 6 volumes went up in smoke ... makes me want to go and hang a tricolour over the gates of Ibrox to show me gratitude

 

[iain_a_wilson]

makes me want to go and hang a tricolour over the gates of Ibrox to show me gratitude

I'd prefer to see you celebrate it more accurately by burning down Ibrox

 

[loki100]

Harry should clearly be appointed Scotland manager. If he can call up players such as Ratmir and Fedot we may just be able to beat the average Sunday pub team! Maybe. Uhm...well probably not.

well he's not yet got Ratmir and that is the crux to his latest plan to redress the celestial balance, mind you Ratmir's son is turning out to be pretty promising as well.

Mind you it is sobering to realise that New Zealand would prob take the Scottish team to the cleaners at the moment.

24000 lost in one battle?!?!?!?! That's got to be some kind of record!!!

And I read the Faerie Queene at university too.

It's one of these "great" works where nothing really happens.

Why do Mongols even come to Rus?
Poor big land, nothing worth of value to loot.

They looted us quite nicely in AARLand

As will be plain in the next couple of updates, they slowly get more dangerous. The Il-khan lot go on a rampage across the Middle East and with the *plague* rather reducing my manpower its no longer so easy to squash the golden horde.

Aye, I was impressed with losing 24000 in one battle - and everyone belonged to some vassal or the other, so what with inventing broad front offensives and not giving a tinkers about his losses, Ratmir is indeed setting out some fundamental principles for later generations.

I'd prefer to see you celebrate it more accurately by burning down Ibrox

fair enough, would also mean I don't get caught in traffic jams if I need to turn off the M8 when they are at home as well ...

 

[iain_a_wilson]

fair enough, would also mean I don't get caught in traffic jams if I need to turn off the M8 when they are at home as well ...

That, my friend, is what I call "win-win"

 

[loki100]

Ratmir, 1251-1256, his ineffective period?

Scene 1: Harry’s barbecue pit

It is blazing brightly in the Stygian gloom, sounds of demonic cackles, pork spare ribs lie in a huge pile to the side

Oh hallo, Gabi, don’t you have something better to do?

Astarte, the fire, the fire, its lit …

Yes, I know, this is Hell, fire is easy to come by

But where’s Harry, he’ll be so pleased

Oh he’s off, doing something to somebody[1], so I decided to treat myself and the girls, you know, food, wine, a few blazing damned ...

But aren’t you worried, he'll find out?

No

Not even if he does bring Ratmir back?

No chance of Ratmir coming down here

Astarte taps Harry’s trial notes

I mean read it, does it really indicate he’s as bad as Harry convinced himself? As far as I can work out, the only person called Ratmir who survived untouched was Ratmir himself. Ok the Mongols are persistent, and about as successful as a certain Prince of Darkness:




back again:



and again:



Oh and look, in one of his many wars to suppress them, he had an injured marshall:



He also managed a war with the Il-Khan Mongols, during which he got very paranoid that someone was out to kill HIM ... being called Ratmir was a very bad idea --




So he starts finding it a bit dangerous



And comes back home, only to find



Stepan came back from being fostered on Orkney, and was promptly packed off to France



Ok he quite wittily married Dmitri to a German … with predictable outcomes, and he too went away:



Then his supposedly competent son Andrei started ….



Followed by Vladimir, getting some practice torturing the servants



Now he might be worth keeping an eye on ...

And one of his daughters very sensibly went back to Italy



He gets distracted from the next Mongol war by a huge chunk of potential bacon



Which, together with his daughter’s marriage



Which of course led to



Again, fairly wittily, but rather predictably he married Vladimir off to the traditional mad Greek from Asia Minor



So nope, not the man to lead Harry’s armies on their campaign of celestial reconquest

[1] - where Harry is will be clear in the next update
​

So is Ratmir more like his father, or is this all down to missing paperwork? How many people called Ratmir have to be injured before he takes the hint? How can Astarte light Harry's barbecue?