Scene 1: The trial, only the 2 nameless bureaucrats are present, Ukko is chained to the bench and behind bars
Ok Ukko, could you fill in a few bits of details?
Well there I was, daddy having been murdered, 16 and already with grey hairs, I mean I think I’d already survived two assassination attempts during his reign
And I’d had a really bad time of it at school you know. There were these boys who spoke dialects of medieval German –
one reckoned my name sounded like a dog throwing up,
the other that I was a bit of a runt (1). As you can see that wasn’t true.
We can’t sir, you’re sitting down so it’s a bit hard to gauge your height.
So there was the Italian problem
Yes we know all about that
The ‘bastard’ problem
Yep we know about that too
The marshall problem
No that sounds new, tell us more
Well one died of old age, and another, you know this is hard to believe, died in battle:
Ah, I think we could have guessed that would have happened to be honest, you see its a sort of family heirloom event
Then another feigned illness to get out of the war
Sensible really
And then there was the war with Pereyaslavl, I lost the first big battle
Won a second at Vyazma
But even then I got no credit
And then I was murdered, didn't help that when I cried out for help no one seemed to hear due to my lisping
Ok sir, we’ll see where you belong for the rest of eternity then. Tricky this one, what with your persecution complex and feeling sorry for yourself, and lack of any actual achievements – either good or bad.
Scene 2: Heaven
Here’s the report.
Ummh, not really one for us is he?
I mean do you see him inspiring the faithful, leading our armies, defending the faith?
Scene 3: Hell
Beelzebub, go get me that Italian bloke, you know the one who understands the filing system down here
Ah Dante, ok whats the appropriate punishment for being pathetic and a total loser?
Oh right,
Harry, you can’t let him go
Oh yes I can, anyway we want the top talent down here, not some utter loser who couldn’t even manage adultery, I mean what are the Rurikovichs coming to? No sex, no killing his near relatives, no extorting cash from the church, no aggressive wars, no not really our type at all.
Scene 4: Hel
Hel and Freya have gone to visit Boris
How do you fancy sharing with your Grandson?
Sounds ok … what was he like?
Have a look
Don’t really think so, no commitment to the old gods and even the one battle he won, everyone thinks he ran away, not even a creative baggage train looting like Mstislav, bit of a whimp, worrying to see the dynasty producing such a ruler, I mean what was the point to marrying all those crazed Greek women if it ends up like this.
Scene 5: The trial room
Look Ukko, this is a bit unusual, but none of the usual ones seem to want you. We’re going to have to send your file to some of the more exotic corners to see if you fit their criteria. You’ll have to wait here for a bit whilst the answers come back.
Has Ukko set a new standard for the family to follow? If he’d lived, would he have shown more promise? Which corner of eternity might fancy him?
[1] quick footnote, for the avoidance of doubt, I'm not implying that modern Dutch is a dialect of German, but that medieval Dutch and what became Lowland Scots are both related to medieval German. Just to lessen the doubt a wee bit more, my partner is Dutch, but next time you read Burns (to be recommended) look at the sentence structure and words in use.
