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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

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morningSIDEr

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A very intresting change of pace, rather good.

Just why has the entire court contracted the Bubonic Plague?
[/CENTER]

Thats easy; one of the Rurikovich's has been holidaying in Scotland, and brought back the disease as a very fitting souvenir.
 

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You've given me a good idea, to be developed in the next post

A very intresting change of pace, rather good. Thats easy; one of the Rurikovich's has been holidaying in Scotland, and brought back the disease as a very fitting souvenir.

thought I'd play about and see if it works ... so you think the root cause to the Black Death was the Scottish diet?

In General_BT's magnum opus, there is a recent thread that suggest putting your prose into a tester to get a literary comparison.

Well I have to confess the dominant literary style of this AAR is Dan Brown - which is sooo embarassing, I think I'm going to go and hang up my word processor now. My current, slow moving Soviet one, on the other hand is alledgedly by HP Lovecraft. At least one of them I have actually read something by. So much for my literary pretensions.
 

naggy

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loki100

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Vladimir II, 1279-1285, How many Kings make an Emperor?

Scene 1: The trial room, Harry and the Clerks are sat waiting for Raphael, Vladimir is chained to the bench to stop him escaping.

Load banging sounds are heard, and Raphael comes in rather flustered, a pestle and mortar fly over his head. A lightening bolt hits the ground just in front of Vladimir.

Harry perks up (he does after all rather like a bit of chaos)

Hey Raphael … does this mean that Zeus is coming out of retirement?

Look Satan, I will not be intimidated by your minions into handing a soul over to you

My minions …

We’re not HIS minions, we the old Slavic gods want a say in these trials.

And you are …

Perun, this is Svarozic, who really should be in charge of the gates of Hell, and that is Baba Yaga, oi baba, put the chicken down for the moment ..

And we should ….

Well we understand that Odin has more or less given up and in any case all this lot are doing their stuff on the sacred soil of Mother Russia, so we want to be included … or else

Or else what?

Well its not fair, someone has to put the views of the old religions in these trials.

And you promise to behave?

of course ...

Well ok, just this once I suppose, right Vladimir, take us from 1279.

Well for a while not much happened, in fact things rather improved



Though that was spoilt by my wife and bishop



And Mitrofan carried on the family tradition of really unsuitable marriages, seems as if the Spanish one couldn’t do Russian winters, but why he had to marry from Russia I don't know, I mean thats almost as bad as the Greek variant



Oi, Norse boy, watch your tongue

Perun - you promised to behave

We are behaving ... as we normally do

Well this is a proper court, oh, ok Vladimir, continue

But overall it wasn't that bad



So I prepared the ground for a future war with Poland, I really wanted to be an Emperor, and I reckoned having six king titles would do it



And more black sheep wandered home …



And if that wasn't a surprise this was … I’m bedridden, she’s not spoken to me for years



but when you're a Rurikovich, its not all sex and enjoyment, we have other demands



And that, plus the new child really paid off for my reputation



Perun turns on Harry - heh, I thought you were meant to be bad?

I am

but this, this is pathetic, you're trying to make his life a misery and he's even keeping up his status as some sort of sex god

Look its ok, I’ve got this under control, this was just to lure him into a false sense of security

Raphael looks annoyed, can you two stop arguing, its not like you even know each other, ok Vladimir please continue

And thus the child was born, I must admit every day I was expecting to be told that Ustin was a bastard



On the other hand, the assassination had some unintended effects



Leading to:



Then my marshall’s wife decided to murder someone … probably a bit inspired by Beloslava



So there am I, in bed etc, and I suddenly had an interest in events in Sicily:



King Uc, who seems to be holding Mecca in the face of the rampaging Mongols

Perun and his chums get restless … what do you reckon, yeah these Rurikovichs are a bit … aye … lets go over to Sicily then, I mean with those piety scores much more likely to be a proper Pagan

Vladimir please continue:

Anyway, after all that it was time for war with Poland, the full might of the Rurikovich war machine crashed down on them





Oh and someone else as well



Anyway, after a while the Poles got the message

Harry interjects – Vladimir the only message you seem to have sent them is that your army was commanded by a bunch of suicidal incompetent lemmings

Vladimir looks pained - But I got what I wanted, I was King of somewhere else … except no one made me Emperor



Was that a world record for injuries in a single war? Is Ustin really a bastard? And Harry's game is ... ? What do the Rurikovichs need to do to become Emperors?
 

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I'm imagining a poster, with wizened old Russian man with no teeth, black eye, broken nose, on crutches with a broken leg, pointing out at the viewer..."

"Uncle Rurikovich wants YOU for the Russian Army!"
 

morningSIDEr

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Wonderful update. I'm loving the bedridden Vladimir becoming a sex God.

Anyway, after all that it was time for war with Poland, the full might of the Rurikovich war machine crashed down on them

Well looking at the amount of casualties, the war machine certainly crashed...seemingly into a brick wall.

I'm imagining a poster, with wizened old Russian man with no teeth, black eye, broken nose, on crutches with a broken leg, pointing out at the viewer..."

"Uncle Rurikovich wants YOU for the Russian Army!"

I'm going to fling myself down some stairs then drag myself to the recuiting office!
 

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I'm loving the bedridden Vladimir becoming a sex God.

It's like the old fortune cookie joke - just add "in bed".

I'm going to fling myself down some stairs then drag myself to the recruiting office!

General 1: "We have 60,000 men in the army."
General 2: "60,000 able bodied men? We'll crush the enemy in no time!"
General 1: "I didn't say anything about able-bodied..."
 

Alfredian

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I thought this might be the Rurikovich approach to passive resistance. Once the Poles have knocked the teeth out of enough defenceless Russian courtiers, they are overtaken by shame & give up.

Would the pagan Russian gods approve of their war-host singing we will overcome as they march into battle?
 

loki100

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I'm imagining a poster, with wizened old Russian man with no teeth, black eye, broken nose, on crutches with a broken leg, pointing out at the viewer..."

"Uncle Rurikovich wants YOU for the Russian Army!"

Wonderful update. I'm loving the bedridden Vladimir becoming a sex God.
Well looking at the amount of casualties, the war machine certainly crashed...seemingly into a brick wall.
I'm going to fling myself down some stairs then drag myself to the recuiting office!

It's like the old fortune cookie joke - just add "in bed".
General 1: "We have 60,000 men in the army."
General 2: "60,000 able bodied men? We'll crush the enemy in no time!"
General 1: "I didn't say anything about able-bodied..."
I thought this might be the Rurikovich approach to passive resistance. Once the Poles have knocked the teeth out of enough defenceless Russian courtiers, they are overtaken by shame & give up.

Would the pagan Russian gods approve of their war-host singing we will overcome as they march into battle?

you have to remember that while I am exceptionally casual at the losses amongst the parasitic aristocracy, good future Russian peasants tend not to die in quite such numbers ...

ummh, one wonders if the battle song of Rurikovichs should be something like:

Through tempests, the sun of freedom shone on us,
And the great Mstislav illuminated our path to freedom
Kettu brought us up — on loyalty to no-one,
He inspired us to labour and heroism!

think it scans to the original Russian

Emperor of Sarmatia would sound cool. :p

actually whats increasingly occuring to me is ... Emperor of Byzantium, its a title, its not mine, but it does have a certain ring to it -- and its wasted on the bunch of Bulgars and Greeks who have it at the moment

so must be time to see if I can put together an update ... if a sociologist dies terribly in the next post, its not really my fault :eek:
 
Last edited:

loki100

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Vladimir II, 1285-1289, not his most stable years

Scene 1: The corridor from Hell to the court

Harry is wandering along, seemingly lost in thought[1] and almost crashes into Perun and his colleagues

Oh hi lads … what are you doing here, thought you were in Sicily?

Svarozic looks annoyed

He (points at Perun) misread it didn’t he



Perun shuffles about

Well Occitan – Croatian, I mean it’s a mistake anyone can make

Anyway, you’re meant to be the big bad source of all evil

Harry considers this

Yeeeee…es?

Well we’ve decided to take over, you haven’t really lived up to your reputation

You mean you want to take over Hell?

Yes

Oh, be my guests … just down the corridor, first door on the left, tell the boatman I sent you

Perun looks a bit bemused

You seem … well disinterested?

Well you'll find theres some competition and ... in any case I’m going to be bringing back one of the baddest Rurikovich’s ever, and when I do …

How Bad?

Try this out:




Yep nasty …



Oh what did he do?

Secret

And then



Oh

Scene 2: The Court, Harry is in a particularly expansive mode, Raphael asks the clerks to bring Vladimir in

Ok Vladimir so you became King of Poland

Waste of time that was

What do you mean, well it didn’t make me an emperor [2]

And all it really did was set off a new round of disloyalty









And of course, someone just had to



In the meantime I married Boris off to a Greek … a blind Greek



Who was blind … but more able than my current spy person so it actually was a good idea



And then Boris flounced off



But when he came back:



I made him my bishop

Even though he'd missed the opening of the University of Novgorod



Yes well this is all very conventional, but what about your problems with Kiev?

Kiev?

Yes Kiev?

Oh that

Yes that

[1] this implies he actually does think …
[2] maybe someone who understands the game can explain what I need to be an Emperor?

So what really happened in Kiev? Is Vladimir the big bad Rus of Harry's imagination? Does Perun realise just how many people want to run Hell these days?
 
Last edited:

Enewald

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You should stop making new Principalities, just counts.
 

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I sometimes give out Duke/Prince titles when I have most of the provinces covered by that title in the Royal Demesne. This stops the new dukes from gaining lots of my counts as their vassals. They get a nice shiny title, but no real power.
 

morningSIDEr

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Boris is looking a very promising character. I love the fact that a blind woman is the best Spy Master available at the Rurikovich court.

Feodosia; 'I need this person assassinated.'
Assassin; 'Can you tell me what the target looks like?'
Feodosia; 'No.'

Or better yet, her fumbling about on assassination missions herself!


[2] maybe someone who understands the game can explain what I need to be an Emperor?


I could well be completely wrong on this, but I believe you can only be made Emperor of Byzantium. Thus only if you conquer Byzantium will you get the title. I type this, as I had my own game wherein I conquered most of the Russia, parts of Scandinavia, Georgia etc. yet was never afforded the title of Emperor. Only that of King of Rus, Georgia, Finland etc. etc. I suppose another option would be to edit the game so as to give yourself the title of Emperor, as I believe Iain did with Suenik. Frankly the prospect of an Rurikovich Emperor is quite brilliant.
 

loki100

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You should stop making new Principalities, just counts.
I sometimes give out Duke/Prince titles when I have most of the provinces covered by that title in the Royal Demesne. This stops the new dukes from gaining lots of my counts as their vassals. They get a nice shiny title, but no real power.

problem is I quite like having lots of prince-vassals, its just that a couple of them have managed to grow very large off the mongol bashings some 50 (game) years back, I also (plot spoiler) don't think I'm going to be overburdened with too many such vassals for that much longer ...

Boris is looking a very promising character. I love the fact that a blind woman is the best Spy Master available at the Rurikovich court.

Feodosia; 'I need this person assassinated.'
Assassin; 'Can you tell me what the target looks like?'
Feodosia; 'No.'

Or better yet, her fumbling about on assassination missions herself!

well as the next update makes plain ... beware the blind, especially when they have a big knife in their hands ...

I could well be completely wrong on this, but I believe you can only be made Emperor of Byzantium. Thus only if you conquer Byzantium will you get the title. I type this, as I had my own game wherein I conquered most of the Russia, parts of Scandinavia, Georgia etc. yet was never afforded the title of Emperor. Only that of King of Rus, Georgia, Finland etc. etc. I suppose another option would be to edit the game so as to give yourself the title of Emperor, as I believe Iain did with Suenik. Frankly the prospect of an Rurikovich Emperor is quite brilliant.

ah I'd forgotten he'd done a modding, & that was how he ended up with the rather wonderful Emperor of Scotland ... well Byzantium it is then, but first some more celestial disappointment for the Prince of Darkness (yep no one wants to buy his new book :p) & just maybe evidence he does have a plan after all ...
 

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Vladimir II, 1290-1291, exiting with a bang

Scene 1: The seaside

The Big-Yin and Odin are preparing for their cruise, Jormungand frolics in the shallows, all is ready for a nice relaxing trip.

My lord, my liege, stop ….

Oh what is it now Raphael

Its Satan he’s gone too far, I mean look what he’s made them do:

First he turns Danilo, some Bulgarian who is also the new Prince of Kiev against Vladimir, then Vladimir has their spy person killed:



And then Danilo



Then in response someone from Kiev tried to kill Mikula, Vladimir's second son



Raphael you are really going to annoy me in a moment

But sire, they all did it then





Harry's going to have Hell full of experienced assassins ..



Well ok, not all of them were that good, but even when the surviving Prince of Kiev tried to be loyal



Raphael stop, its all under control ... I’m retired, I want to go on a cruise, do some fishing, you keep on annoying me over things that don’t matter, so --- Hell ... yes, good idea go and replace Gabriel, he could do with a break …

I mean, Raphael, you forget the power of the church



To think Vladimir once tried to have him murdered

But my liege, Satan then did his incubus trick



Raphael … go … now … before I get annoyed

Scene 2: Gabriel’s nail and tail salon, just outside the Throne Room of Hell

Its murky, the sound of a bone cracking can be heard, some demons are comparing their newly trimmed hooves

Two archangels are arguing


Look he’s sent me down to take your place

But, but, I’m building up a nice little business here

He’ll be annoyed

No he won’t, you’ve just said he’s off on a round the universe cruise with various other deities

And?

Well I’m staying here

Scene 3: Dis, Astarte's Tower

Astarte looks somewhat annoyed, Harry is in a surprisingly good mood

You lost again …

Yes



Another one straight to Heaven?

Yes

Right Harry, that’s it, I’m taking over

Not so fast Astarte, its all going to plan

You always say that

Well this is a good plan, a bit of incubusing, and we’ve got a real specimen on the way, I tell you, he’ll kill his father, marry his father’s wife and try and kill his uncle … all within 2 days of turning 16 … you have to take a long term view

Astarte looks rather unconvinced

Asti, if we don’t end up ruling Russia, no one will … trust me

Harry, have you let Kettu reincarnate?

Harry smiles

Would you trust Harry? Who will be the new Kettu? How many more Rurikovichs are going straight to heaven?
 

morningSIDEr

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Good stuff, Vladimir proving once again that a place in heaven can be brought. A reincarnated Kettu sounds promising. I think after this update, I'll ever walk warily past any blind person using a cane, worried that it is infact a swordstick!