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Another one of the schizo bishops! Nice! It's reassuring to know that some things never really change. :)

Now, I have said before that I like Harry and I stand by that judgment, but I am concerned - even though he never catches any for his own realm, all those incompetent Rurikovichs seem to be rubbing off on him. He's just not very good at what he's supposed to be doing...

Finally, I suspect that, when the order for the Mongol ruler was placed by the Powers That Be, somebody was using their old-fashioned, politically incorrect, dictionary and confused 'Mongol' with 'retard'.*

*What, you can't say 'retard' anymore either? What's happening to this world and when did it all pass me by? <Grumblegrumble>
 
With zealous schizophrenic bishops no one needs to fear Mongols.
Another one of the schizo bishops! Nice! It's reassuring to know that some things never really change. :)
Aye, as ever with CK, whats outside your realm is never as much a problem as your own family.

Oh course one of the reliable events is either a crazed or sex mad bishop, can always rely on one to create a sub-plot or two

Serous mongol failspawn. Stamp them out, NAUW!
Finally, I suspect that, when the order for the Mongol ruler was placed by the Powers That Be, somebody was using their old-fashioned, politically incorrect, dictionary and confused 'Mongol' with 'retard'.*

*What, you can't say 'retard' anymore either? What's happening to this world and when did it all pass me by? <Grumblegrumble>

They ain't very impressive are they? - actually as I cull them the rulers seem to get more inept, can't really see them chanelling the spirit of the great Jenghiz. Now given I've just banked a cheque from a UK mental health and learning disability charity, I should ;) ... ah what the hell

Now, I have said before that I like Harry and I stand by that judgment, but I am concerned - even though he never catches any for his own realm, all those incompetent Rurikovichs seem to be rubbing off on him. He's just not very good at what he's supposed to be doing..
Great update. I particularly like the reference to a "whinging whingy person" :)

Iain's got it - Harry doesn't want the whinging whingers, he wants the cool ultra evil, pity is this little sequence of Rurikovichs really didn't add up to much, especially compared to some of their predecessors, or the one I've got on the go at the moment - but you'll have to wait a while for him to appear :D
 
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Peresvet, 1227-1234, Harry's Boy?

Scene 1: Hell – the Barbecue Pit

Harry is standing around looking bored. Every now and then he sets fire to one of the damned and throws them into his pit, they splutter and lie in the damp mud for a bit. Then wander to the back of the queue.

A number of pigs (all wearing gabardine) stand around looking worried every time it looks like the barbecue will actually catch fire.

Raphael storms in and marches up to Harry.

Satan

Yes

This one you have to take, Circle VI, Ring 2, its clear cut



I’ll think about it, I don't want another of those whinging ones

No, you’ll take him

Let me check the file, I want to know if he’ll improve the overall tenor down here, I mean you keep on going on about free will and all that

Oh ok, here you are

And, Satan

Yes

Can you keep your pigs under control, I mean look at the mess on the bottom of my robes

Scene 2: Dis

Harry is reading the file and chortling to himself

Oh what a whimp, I mean, look at him



He’s got a German wife, Mathilde, only 2 friends, loads of vassals, loads of disloyal vassals



A blind steward, bet that made counting out the cash so easy



And his baby sister promptly went and died, really can't blame her ... better check if she's down here



And then someone poisoned him



only pity is it didn't really work, would have spared us the rest of his life, even so it didn’t cheer up his wife, Mathilde. There he was wondering why despite all his extra fertility there were no kids



and she'd been seduced by a handsome hunk with bushy eyebrows and a halitosis problem ... one way of showing Astarte I can still do my own thing ... on my own ... for my own reasons



Most of his army then deserted as he was too busy chasing after her around his nice new castle





Harry what are you reading?

Oh hallo Astarte this is Peresvet’s file, Raphael has apparently decided we have to take him as he went and committed suicide.

Any good

Not really, I mean look, even in the middle of a war with the Mongols his vassals were revolting and his castle fell over



Oh

Whats wrong?

I wonder if the builders were sent here, that might explain the problems with the barbecue.

So did Peresvet actually manage to do anything? Where are the mongols in all this? Has Harry worked out why his drainage is so bad?
 
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Maybe the poisoning was really a suicide attempt he tried to blame on someone else?
 
And, Satan

Yes

Can you keep your pigs under control, I mean look at the mess on the bottom of my robes.
Not quite how I was picturing the War in Heaven, but hey, it certainly fits the low-key, attritional sniping going on between Harry and Rafe. ;)

So, sad sack Peresvet can't even keep it up? His castle, I mean? Given his dismal record, I can kinda see the appeal of suicide. Yes, eternal damnation and all that, but it has to be better than this ceaseless parade of mediocrity, right? :)
 
Wonderful updates. I love the fact that poor Peresvet is left having to employ a blind steward...likely the reason he is poor infact.
 
So, sad sack Peresvet can't even keep it up? His castle, I mean? Given his dismal record, I can kinda see the appeal of suicide. Yes, eternal damnation and all that, but it has to be better than this ceaseless parade of mediocrity, right? :)
Wonderful updates. I love the fact that poor Peresvet is left having to employ a blind steward...likely the reason he is poor infact.
Wow - exciting old life ;)
Maybe the poisoning was really a suicide attempt he tried to blame on someone else?

Hadn't actually thought of that - it would fit, he tries to poison himself and fails, he didn't achieve much else, except his demise was a bit of a surprise.

Not quite how I was picturing the War in Heaven, but hey, it certainly fits the low-key, attritional sniping going on between Harry and Rafe. ;)

ah I think you'll find that Milton got lots of the more important details wrong, such as why various angels were so anti-porcine in their views.

Game over soon, or shall the Mongols be kept out of Russia?

Well they proved to be beatable, but very expensive to deal with. First couple of rounds in the next post, and then a lot more Mongol slaughtering when Ratmir comes to the throne ... and I need to finish his reign off first, as I've now caught up.
 
Peresvet, 1227-1234, an early tree hugger?

Scene 1: Harry is marching Peresvet through the gates of Hell.

Peresvet is complaining and Harry doesn’t seem too happy either

It wasn’t fair, they would not listen to any of my explanations. Its as if all I ever did was commit suicide.

Look, you’re not happy, well I’m not either. I’m trying to collect the after-life’s best collection of the truly bad, mad and psychotically deranged … let me tell you, I’m losing out badly, even Odin who’s semi-retired has done better than me for the last 200 years … and I end up with you.

Right this is yours

Points to a tree

Peresvet looks at the tree


Look just get in there – that’s your punishment, you are now to be a tree for all eternity.

Scene 2: Peresvet is in his tree, things are not looking good when he hears a tapping sound.

Well done boy

Who’s that

Oh can’t give out names, secrecy, security you know that sort of thing, but I’d be your great great great great grandfather. Anyway we’d noticed you’d managed this really neat killing:



I mean brilliant choice, superb execution, and you got away with it, you’re just the sort we want.

Who are we?

Later boy, first we just need to check you out.

How many more killings did you do?

Just the one

That’s not really enough, any aggressive wars?

No, I was attacked by the Mongols twice

Sounds good, and …

Well they were taking over the lower Volga region



Then they attacked



They attacked you?

Yes

Oh thats not so good

And in the war we won some big battles





And that ended the first war



Well, ok you killed a lot of Mongols, but you let your vassals take all the gains, not good boy, not good enough

And then they attacked again led by



Hah, even Ukko could have beaten him, ok and what else, I mean I know you can only massacre whats put in front of you ... [1]

well we did kill a lot of Mongols



And come the second peace, they were left with



Well why did you stop, you seem much too keen on peace

Oh lack of money, and I was worried about my wife





Mind you, my brothers really wanted to carry on the war



Ah, ok, I really don’t think you fit in with us

But could you get me out?

Oh yes, easy, but you’re not really the sort of murderous reckless lost soul that we need. See we’re plotting to take over Hell, and then … well can’t tell you any more.

See it would have been a bit more impressive if you'd been like this one, him we'll recruit when he dies:





Bye

So is Kettu also plotting to take over Hell? Does Astarte know? Does Harry care? Are the Mongols ever going to find a decent king?
1 - is, of course, the first football related comment in the AAR
 
Poor old Harry, non-stop rebellious sentiments from all and sundry. You'd almost think him a horribly incompetent oa-oh wait.

Very nice update.
 
XD Italian Shek Of Bukhara! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!~

And don't forget, his first name starts with 'Bald-ass'! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk...

Look just get in there – that’s your punishment, you are now to be a tree for all eternity.
Utterly unepic. Fits him to a tee. :)
 
Football related remarks are always welcome! Good update - you're getting across Peresvet's personality quite nicely. I can almost hear him whinging!
Utterly unepic. Fits him to a tee. :)

tee, tree??? Yes, the only one so far so inept that he's forced into Harry's hands and doesn't even get rescued at the last moment.

Poor old Harry, non-stop rebellious sentiments from all and sundry. You'd almost think him a horribly incompetent oa-oh wait.

Well it is meant to be a feature of Hell ... and of course Harry does aspire to a higher class of arrival than he's managed to secure for a while.

XD Italian Shek Of Bukhara! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!~
And don't forget, his first name starts with 'Bald-ass'! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk...
Bald-ass-are?
Run for your lives! :eek:

Thought that would appeal ... I found him besieging some Mongol held province and thought it was too wierd not to share

Ok, may be a wee bit of a problem with updates. First is that Ratmir is proving to be one of the longer lived Kings, in part as he was only 16/17 when he inherited & he is robustly healthy and likes nothing more than slaughtering Mongols and Turks (sometimes both combined).

The bigger problem is the Mongols and its making the game a little bit boring. They keep on reappearing with about 80,000, start a war, I mobilise and squash them. Then they reappear ..., so its all rather repetitive and relatively slow to play through & in reality all they do is to drain my coffers without being much of a threat. But I am hopeful that when Ratmir finally dies, the whole thing will go bonkers (the kingdom is large, the bigger Princes have grabbed a lot of land off the Mongols, I suspect the next proper round of civil wars will be fun), so will persevere, but it maybe a bit of a gap.

Very many thanks to all who voted for this rather odd AAR in the ACA awards, very much appreciated.

ta

R
 
Ratmir, the pretty terrible, 1234-1237

Scene 1: A side room off the Court

The two clerks have pressed Ukko into helping them with the mass of files and papers relating to Ratmir.

This one is going to take ages, just look at this lot.

Yes, and they are all going to want him, I mean he killed more than all the others put together in his wars.

Bet you that Harry gives up on his builders and attends himself

Scene 2: The Court
Raphael, Harry, and the Clerks face Ratmir. Harry is dressed in his best demon gear in an attempt to impress Ratmir. Raphael finds the wing extensions slightly irritating

Raphael starts the proceedings


Ratmir, given the sheer amount of paperwork, and the length of your life, maybe if we start in some sort of order.

Well as is traditional I inherited



A load of disloyal vassals



And a slightly strange set of advisors



Though he wandered off soon enough



Anyway, Mathilde starts doing German, so I suggested that was a really good idea



Then it was off to war with the remnants of the Mongols



Now the first battle was a bit of a disaster, but I was still travelling down from Novgorod



Bad Karma for someone

It seemed as if Peresvet had set off a bit of a trend though



Harry mutters to himself that that one gets a very small tree

Didn't understand why though, he could so easily have got himself killed by the Mongols

Like this one



Anyway, the rest of us got on with the task in hand



Anyway, we were stacking up the dead, bit of looting, usual things when



Well I read somewhere I needed a bastard before I was a proper Rurikovich King, but I’d rather it was MY bastard.

Anyway by the end of 1235 there were no Mongols left, and people were asking me to join the Kingdom, here’s the position



Most of that lot joined in the next few months as well ...

Harry has started to snore, never having been one for the smaller details

At least my heir was looking ok, think of what he was to inherit too



By the time I was finished, he’d have no need of an army.

So, the main task was to rebuild the cash reserves, I think that Petar perhaps found it a bit boring



Harry briefly perks up, thinks of a nice large tree, with a door so Petar can be let out when needed, and goes back to his demonic slumbers


Anyway, managed another son, with my unfaithful wife



Who promptly, well I don’t understand



Raphael looks suspiciously at Harry, who tries to look innocent whilst remembering something Astarte said about running her own Convent

So I decide, we’ve done Greeks (usually homicidal maniacs), Germans (moody), Russians (a mixed set but pretty weird and often dangerous to have around), lets try out Italy



The money came in useful too, for a nice new title



and



So I thought, right new wife, decent pile of cash, did I invade Poland or Georgia?

So what does Harry put on his wing extensions when he wants to impress? should it be Georgia or Poland? is Ratmir really that terrible?