Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR
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You're going to conquer OPM Ragusa? Or are you going to subdue the Magyars?
Or are you just playing around and making your troops walk around.
Or are you just playing around and making your troops walk around.
What a pleasure to login and find an update for one of my favourite AARs, hilarious as always!
Suenik - proudly raising madmen since 1066.
This is probably going to be a running joke.
This is probably going to be a running joke.
SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 63 - TO SERBIA WE GO
(1164)
CHAPTER 63 - TO SERBIA WE GO
(1164)
At the begining of 1164 my chancellor and steward got together to do an audit of all Imperial territories and they made a startling discovery. Apparently I ruled over quite a substantial swathe of land in some European place called "Serbia" and that if I further expanded my holdings there I could, quite rightfully, call myself Emperor of the Serbs. Never one to turn down the chance to accrue more silverwear for the trophy cabinet (although I prefer my crowns to be hewn from solid gold) I have them find a suitably weak Serb county, manufacturer a tenuous claim to its throne and declare war on it, in the hope that its Serbian chums will spring to its aid.
I love my advisors - they have no concept of "fair".
This plan works like a dream and before long a bunch of Serbs, Croats and Bosnians are all declaring war on me.
There's even a declaration of war from some French nobleman calling himself the King of Croatia - although he's about as near to Croatia as I am to Serbia, cloistering himself away just south of Calais. Honestly some people have all the nerve!
Elsewhere I receive the sad news that the poor blind daughter of the former King of Nubia has had yet another crappy hand dealt to her by life.
Some people have no luck at all. I send her some gurgens from the Imperial Menagerie to cheer her up.
This gesture of regal concern clearly touches the heart of her father, and he turns up to the palace, all dewy eyed and emotional. We meet and he hugs me, all the while swearing eternal loyalty and friendship.
I deem it a good time to mention that touching the annointed Son of Heaven by one of a lesser station is an offence punishable by the loss of hands and he almost flies backwards. My laughter is uproarious and I punch him on the shoulder, pointing out that I'm just messing with him. I can tell by his nervous laughter that he's only half-convinced I was.
Maybe I SHOULD make that a law.
Justice - gotta love it. I'm glad I came up with that idea.
Back in Serbia (I still need the royal scholars to find it on the map for me) I receive distressing news...
...but thankfully when the Good Lord takes away with one hand he gives with another...
The newly promoted marshal Nerseh is quickly packed off to Serbia. He's only a kid whom I don't believe has ever seen the outside of his home province. This should be one big adventure. They always say that travel broadens the mind.
Just like lots of angry Serbs, Bosnians and Croats shooting arrows at you, pouring molten oil on you, stabbing you with sharp pieces of metal and charging you with lances does.
Suenik - always educating...
Sadly ex-marshal Gurgen doesn't take his grevious wounding and subsequent abandonment on the scrapheap of life very well.
Suenik - always driving you mad...
My old friend dysentery also shows up again...
...it's been a few years so he thought he'd pop back and see how we were all doing, and it seems that the good people of Vaspurakan are DYING to see him.
See what I did there?
Just AND witty.
On a different note, common military wisdom dictates "He who fighteth a war on two fronts shall suffer much hardship - much better to deploy thee Grigor Defence and bee done with". I laugh at common military wisdom. I say a two front war is perfectly acceptable if the person on the second front is:
a) On The List
b) A target of eternal vengeance (see "a")
c) Weaker than you
d) More stupid than you
For those of you who have short memories, this is the clown who thought that refusing to marry my daughter was a good idea...
I lead the host myself and notice from the numbers involved that Grigor manages to check all four boxes on the Aboulgharib scale of two front warfare suitability.
I inspire in my men a furious savagery and they tear through the opposition and into the local population...
(how else would you explain my army killing more traitors than there actually were?)
I also order my men to pillage his lands during the siege. Maybe this'll serve as the dowry that my little princess receive, eh Grigor?
Soon Son-Of-the-Traitor is brought to me and he is stripped of his lands, his gold and his dignity.
Nothing like a bit of righteous retribution in the morning to make you feel good about yourself I find!
In the aftermath of this sorry little skirmish The List proves once again to be a wonderous motivational tool, and Brother-of-Son-of-the-Traitor offers to send his second born to learn from me.
Can you say "hostage"?
I also learn that Daughter-of-the-Traitor has given birth out of wedlock.
PRICELESS!!!!!
Sadly, this had nothing to do with me but I'd like to congratulate whoever managed to arrange it - and with such perfect timing too! Today is definately not a good day to be a member of the "traitor" branch of the Gardman-Aghbanias!
Elsewhere, the saga of Berjouhi continues...
My grandson manages to become obsessed with her. This leads to him virtually stalking her, wearing black and sending her morbid, badly-written poetry and flowers...
...whilst she graduates from the school of deciet, intrigue, sneakery and maddness - just like most other Gardman-Aghbania women...
It must be something in the water! My grandson had best be careful around her. His poetry ("my love for you is carried along on the gossamar wings of night/for your rejection would see them snap and cast me into the abyss of despair") better be good or it might end up having to include knives and pirhanas as dominent motifs.
Speaking of close family members, I announce to the court that I will bring up Ruben myself.
I'm at a point in my life where I have garnered so much experience that what I can teach him is going to prove much more valuable than the ramblings of some monk.
Now...am I fogetting something?
Oh yeah, there was a series of wars on, wasn't there?
...and for my next trick...
Cruelty! Maddness! French knights! Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!
The more I read this, the more I start to think that if Aboulgharib weren't so universally loved and admired, 'mad' might not be an inappropriate adjective to apply to him. 
I like all the imperial titles. Very nice. Emperor of Croatia next?
I like all the imperial titles. Very nice.
Emperor of Croatia next?
amazing aar
i have been reading this aar since you started it,and i had to leave my epic lurking just to say that this is an amazing aar.
i have been reading this aar since you started it,and i had to leave my epic lurking just to say that this is an amazing aar.
I have to agree with Masaky, exceptional AAR, packed with lots of great characters.
Speaking of which, will the ghosts of Mleh and Krikor etc. make a reappearance?
Speaking of which, will the ghosts of Mleh and Krikor etc. make a reappearance?
*ahem!*
Berjouhi
My love for you is a burning flame
Fuelled by the beauty in your name
Berjouhi
My love for you is an ice-cold pain
Don't throw me in the Piranha pool again
Berjouhi
I write your name with my tears
Please don't feed me to your bears
Berjouhi
I write your name onto the walls
But you stabbed me in the...
*Accepts position as poet laureate of Suenik*
I've been a bit lax on the old feedback in the last couple of days, so mundo apologies for not responding to all the nice things you've said previously! Oh, and to answer one of the questions, Aboulgharib is currently 57.
BCF?
Forgive me if I'm being slow here.
Don't let him hear you say that - he thinks he's the sanest person in Suenik...
...which isn't saying a lot to be fair.
Perhaps - there's certainly a few places that Aboulgharib could potentially be Emperor of. It just depends who invokes his ire next.
I'm very glad you're enjoying it. And very privilaged that you broke your lurking to tell me - thanks very much for letting me know!
Thank you - you realise my head is the size of a balloon now?
They'll be back soon - don't you worry. Mleh's getting worried about Aboulgharib breaking his record...
Or, to put it another way, Suenik - international bully
Yeah - I'm smiling about that
You sir, are very welcome to it! I'll try and make you a suitable award soon...
I couldn't comment...
Sssh! Mira kept them as a secret!
Wow - good shout!
BCF?
Forgive me if I'm being slow here.
The more I read this, the more I start to think that if Aboulgharib weren't so universally loved and admired, 'mad' might not be an inappropriate adjective to apply to him.
Don't let him hear you say that - he thinks he's the sanest person in Suenik...
...which isn't saying a lot to be fair.
I like all the imperial titles. Very nice.
Perhaps - there's certainly a few places that Aboulgharib could potentially be Emperor of. It just depends who invokes his ire next.
I'm very glad you're enjoying it. And very privilaged that you broke your lurking to tell me - thanks very much for letting me know!
Thank you - you realise my head is the size of a balloon now?
They'll be back soon - don't you worry. Mleh's getting worried about Aboulgharib breaking his record...
Suenik - Bringer of Swift and Witty Justice!
Or, to put it another way, Suenik - international bully
Yeah - I'm smiling about that
You sir, are very welcome to it! I'll try and make you a suitable award soon...
I couldn't comment...
it will be after the use of the specially trained imperial gurgens
Sssh! Mira kept them as a secret!
Wow - good shout!