SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 62 - PRAISE BE!
(1163-1164)
There will be quite a lot of background noise going on while I'm regaling you with the latest heroic exploits of the Empire of Greater Suenik. Just try and ignore the shouting, yelling and screaming - it's merely my marshal subduing a load of one province states and bringing them into the loving, voluptuous bosom of Mother Suenik. I won't go into all the details. Instead I'll show this...
..and let your mind make up your own tales of warfare and adventure. I guarantee it will be more exciting than what actually occurred - all the "wars" (although I should probably use the term "skirmishes") were over very quickly and were terribly one sided.
Much more exciting is the news that certain Suenikian teenage boys have taken to mooning after married women at my court.
This amuses me greatly - as well as tyrants, bullies and psychopaths we're now breeding the adulterers of tomorrow. Another victory for Suenikian education!
In further exciting news it appears that a bunch of peasants are somehow unhappy with their lot in life.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Time to send in the tro...hang on...what do you mean "I shall consider it?" Was I drunk when I made this decision?
I should stop drinking. It only leads to bad judgment. I've probably gone and fathered another child with the German in the Tower.
Urgh.
My eyes! My eyes!
Ahem.
Better news reaches me soon - my grandson has finished his education. Now, I know what you're thinking "Big deal - now he has to get a job. What's so exciting about that Aboulgharib Lord And Master of All He Surveys?" Well, take a look at his qualifications...
Yes, that's right folks. I've got myself a new bishop! Mr. Heretic - you're outta here!
Smbat also tells me tales of some of his schoolmates. This one in particular amused me - it just seemed so appropriate...
With my new bishop in place I take the time to start fighting against the heresy in my court. First up is the marriage of my "I Used To Be The Messiah But Then I Got Better" step mother to some nice young pious man.
Hopefully he won't end up tied to an altar as a sacrifice.
I then take my ex-bishop's protégé...
...and marry him to some fun-loving nun who has a penchant for battering heretics around the head whilst extolling them with the virtues of our Lord's love for them.
They'll make a LOVELY couple (if he survives the wedding).
Said nun is from the empire (ha!) of Byzantium (those Romans with their delusions of grandeur crack me up) and as part of the deal the emperor (note the small "e") invites me to go hunting with him.
Now, call me paranoid but I know he's still smarting from my complete and utter humiliation of him a few years ago. So, I invite him over to Suenik and we spend a few hours enjoying the simple pleasures of falconry. And he leaves with both his eyes in his head. Who says I'm not merciful?
Things aren't all rosy though. Remember this new "justice" malarkey I pioneered last year? Well, it seems that some oiks believe my steward has been using black magic and demand "justice". What a piss-poor idea that was - I preferred when I could just smite people at the drop of a hat.
Ordinarily I would laugh their complaints out of court, but a few factors cause me to hold a fair trial.
1) He is VERY good at what he does.
2) There are a bunch of heretics and madmen running around at the moment.
3) He's a Gardman-Aghbania and black magic is precisely the sort of stupid thing we'd dabble in.
However, turns out he's innocent so I execute his accusers for slandering a nobleman.
Justice.
Love it.
This new "university" in Constantinople is paying dividends. They've unearthed another Greek play.
I don't see what the attraction is myself, but the literati are oohing and aahing about it and praising my patronage so that must be a good thing.
Remember brave little Berjouhi that I was praising for her mental fortitude and her ability to overcome the adversity that is life in Suenik's nurseries? Well, seems that she's lost it again.
So, not so much a mind of steel - more a mind of cheese, common to most Gardman-Aghbania females...
Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, in the first picture I showed you one of those small states being splatted was another Christian one. Just in case you were thinking I'd lost my marbles the reason for his visit from my marshal and his merry "welcome to Suenik" committee was this:
He then refused my congratulations and invitation to join the Empire so clearly the buffoon had it coming to him.
Now, I want you all to take a look at this map.
Any guesses for what's coming next?
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!
