StAARs and BAARs ForevAAR-A Confederate AAR!

[HannibalBarca]

Yes, I, HannibalBarca, author of the AARland Choice AwAARd for Victoria Comedy Rise of Zombie Napoleon have decided to pull myself out of the hole I wrote myself into with that monster and start fresh. Without Zombies. Or, maybe with Zombies. If you're lucky. But, I digress...

Anyway, as you can see from the title which I'm almost sure has been used before, this AAR will feature the lovable Southron Utopia, from which I would hail but for the vile agression of the Northerners. But, before you ask how I intend to save myself from the nightmare that I will face in gaining my independence, and the recurring nightmares in defending it, I introduce to you my two greatest weapons!

My own Definitive Guide to Winning the Civil War as the CSA!

and CSA Badass' Southern Revolutions Mod!

With my mighty weapons, I shall sally forth and vanquish the Yankee invaders, in what will hopefully be a comedic method. Because, its always better with comedy.

First update as soon as I write it! YEEEEEEEEHAW!

Disclaimer: The racial views of the Confederacy I may use for comedic fodder over the course of this AAR do not reflect any sort of corresponding racism on my part. Similarly, any glaring historical inaccuracies are probably jokes meant to exaggerate Confederate views. Thank you.

 

[GeneralHannibal]

Looks interesting, and I'm always ready to support another Hannibal .

 

[HannibalBarca]

Chapter I​

The Events Leading up to the Glorious Southron Revolution​

Many historians believe that Southron independence was inevitable from the very birth of the United States of America. Some say that it was the result of Southern obstinancy, racial hatred and disrespect towards the federal government. These traitors have either been lynched or chased back to Yankeeland. But, in any case, the first seeds of the great Confederate plant were indeed sewn from the very beginning. Due to what some see as spectacular bungling of the situation by the (quite possibly doped up) delegates of the Constitutional Convention, (except for the delegates of Virginia, the Carolinas, and Georgia) many questions on the issue of State's Rights versus the Federal government (and slaves) were unsatisfactorially answered, and laid the foundation for our completely just secession.

Fast forward about 40 odd-years. Do it. I don't care if you'll miss your kids growing up. The United States has begun to expand Westward at the bloodied expense of the hapless indigenous populations. The institutions of the South, such as its honor, respect for ladies and fried food (and slaves) expanded from Virginia, the Carolinas and Georgia into Florida, Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, and Texas, which was still at the time held by the evil Yankee-loving Mexican Empire. But, that's not the point. The point is Missouri (and slaves). The Yankees believed that they should hold dominant power in the new state, while the noble South believed that they should be allowed to bring good Southern Culture (and...oh you know....) to Missouri. Eventually, the government in Washington showed a lick of sense, and decided to allow whether or not they wanted to live like revolting Yankee savages, or honorable, upstanding, Southern ladies and gentlemen. This was known as The Missouri Compromise of 1820! Are you taking notes? There WILL be a test. Be prepared.

Fast forward another 30 years. Again, the United States looks very different. The Mexican Empire has been beaten to a bloody pulp by the triumphant forces of General Zachary Taylor, and the heroic efforts of staff officer Robert Edward Lee, who singlehandedly took down a Mexican regiment with his awesome Southron sword skills. Texas and everything West of it belong to the United States. But now, more trouble was brewing. A Yankee Congressman by the name of Stephen Douglas introduced a bill that would effectively repeal the Missouri Compromise, forcing Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and everything West to accept Yankee customs without question. Noble Southron senators were justafiably outraged, eventually forcing another Compromise, that allowed new States to choose for themselves whether to emulate the vile Yankees or noble Southrons. Some of the more irritable denizens of Yankeeland were unhappy about this, and formed an evil coalition of sorcerers called the Republican Party.

Fast-forward ten years. Last time, I swear. The fraudulent election of 1860 has put the tyrannical Republican witch-sorcerer-dog-pigs, led by High Wizard Lincoln, in power. With these Yankees wielding their influence across the width and breath of beautiful America, we had no doubt that they sought to destroy our noble Southron way of life (and free the slaves). South Carolina took the first brave steps, deciding that Yankee injutsice shall opress the South no longer! The days of injust tarriffs, limited state freedoms (and the abolition movement) would end! This action was summarily carried out on December 20, 1860 and the Confederacy was born!

Over the next two months, all of the South rallied to South Carolina's banner. Under the guiding hand of President Jefferson Davis, the South formed a cohesive political unit. By April, only Virginia, North Carolina, Tennessee, and Arkansas had yet to be swept up in the glorious whirlwind of their Confederate destiny. A decisive action would be needed in order to convince these four "fair weather federal states" to join. This opportunity for flexing the mighty muscles of the Southron Confederacy presented itself in early April, 1861. The Yankee soldiers garrisoning Fort Sumter, in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina had become something of a problem. The stench that resulted from their lack of soap and other provisions had started to drift into Charleston. Several hundred people who worked near the harbor gagged for hours on end because of the stench. A total of three seagulls were killed. Confederate commander P.G.T Beauregard demanded that the Yankees surrender the fort, and they would be given free passage back to Yankeeland. But their commander, Major Anderson, delerious due to the smell, had responded to the Confederate commander with a small piece of parchment with a brown stain on it. His honor affronted, Beauregard ordered conveniently placed artillery pieces to blow the fort to itty-bitty simthireens.

After the mercy killing of Ft. Sumter, High Wizard Lincoln called up billions of Yankee men and zombies to crush the Southron insurrection. Fearing the Northern hordes, Virginia, North Carolina, Tennesse and Arkansas threw in their lot with the Confederacy. By July, 1861, battle lines were drawn. The War between the noble Southrons led by the wise President Jefferson Davis and the billion man/zombie hordes of High Wizard Lincoln had begun...

 

[Minarchist]

Very nice first post, and, needless to say, Im *very* happy I could get in on the ground floor of this AAR. Good luck
*subscribes*

 

[Sir Humphrey]

Nice stuff. Looking good.

 

[stnylan]

Clearly a completely unbiased account, devoid of prejudice and artifice, stating the truth exactly as it happened without elaboration or fabrication.

 

[HannibalBarca]

Chapter II-Part I

July 4th-August 3rd: Opening Moves​

By July 4th, the battle lines for the War of Southern Independence had been drawn. High Wizard Lincoln had amassed 10 billion Zombie Warriors in Maryland and Western Virginia. To have a prayer of vanquishing the crushing tide of undead-sorcerer-summoned-not-very-human-anity, the South would need to utilize every aspect of its amazingness.

​

The South had two main armies: the Army of Tennessee and the Army of Northern Virginia. Both of them were fragmented, and led by faceless generals with generic names and little military skill. The armies of the South, outnumbered by a million to one (give or take) would need every possible strategy, tactic, and sleezbag exploit in order to win. To begin with, our nameless ambassador to Prussia offered the German kingdom a completely realistic diplomatic deal, in which the secrets of a structured market were traded for those of a professional army.

​

The Prussians accepted, charmed unto death by the Southern ambassador's "fried chicken." To seal the deal, 10 Confederate Scientists were ritually sacrificed.

​

With the secrets of army professionalism attained, the diminished Southron scientific community (one 69 year old professor at the University of Virginia) could begin working towards the secrets of breech-loaded rifles.

​

But this went no further towards solving the problem of the crushing numerical disadvantage that the brave Southron soldiers were fighting against. Total mobilization would have to occur.

​

Additionally, a division of Texan infantry was raised. These eager recruits were obviously somewhat delerious, as they claimed that one Texan could lick High Wizard Lincoln's entire zombie army. They certainly had a lot to learn.

​

With the mobilization of the South set in motion, the Armies of Tennessee and Northern Virginia began their operations. In the West, the three widely dispersed divisions that were to soon form the Army of Tennessee began their march into Kentucky to liberate it from the demonic Yankee sorcerers.

​

Meanwhile in the East, the soon-to-be Army of Northern Virginia began colsolidating in the central Virginia town of Fredricksburg, named for Fredrick E. Burg, inventor of the popular inflatable cat.

​

On July 16th, the Army of Northern Virginia was finally forged, under the command of Robert Edward Lee, the most awesome general in the history of forever. Facing Lee was the overwhelming might of High Wizard Lincoln's zombie hordes.

​

With the army of Northern Virginia having taken shape, Lee marched his horrendously outnumbered army towards Stauton, Virginia. Yankee soldiers had begun to advance on the Industrial town, and, knowing the Yankees, they would burn everything shiny in sight. Plus, the zombies would feed on the populace. Lee resolved that this would not be allowed to happen. On August 3rd, Lee arrived in Stauton and engaged the Yankee army of 1 billion zombie horsemen that had recently arrived there. Lee's valiant army immediately killed off 30 million zombies, and bravely dove into the fight against the remaining 970 million.

​

Will Lee triumph against the Yankee army? What is going on in the West? Doesn't the authAAR know that trading technologies isn't worth the loss of research points? Will asking questions at the end of every update become standard procedure for this AAR? FIND OUT NEXT TIME! YEEEEEHAW!

 

[KuzuX]

YAY!!We want zillions of zombie armies!!!And billions of zombi cavalries!!Dragoons are not zombie!!! We also want another zombie AAR!!!

 

[stnylan]

Good fertilisation fodder for those fields...

 

[LlywelynII]

yeeeeeeeeeHAW!

In onner a yer present an' hopefully fewcher fine services to the glorious Commonwealth a Kentuckee (an its slaves) an' our byeatiful suthron wimmens (and their slaves), ah hereby grant yew an onnerary kernelship in the Right 'onnerable Ordera Kentuckee Kernels.

This here membership grants ye the right ta affix "the Onnerable" before yer name, levy a score er two of Confederate re-enactors (and their beer) from any of Kentuckee's three byeatiful provinces, an' tha right to eat yerself as much burgoo as ya can stuff in yer belly, yer mouth er yer pants at the annual onnerable Ordera Kentuckee Kernels summer picnic and gun show.

Now get yer ass threw that Cumberlin pass an' lick them Yankees, soldier!
j.

 

[Pirate Z]

Robert Edward Lee, the most awesome general in the history of forever.

:rofl:

Well, round up the cattle and call me Dixie -- this AAR is guh-reat! I hope we see some more bashin' of those darned, cotton-pickin' Yankee wizards, zombies, and other assorted America-hatin' hippies as soon as possible!

 

[HannibalBarca]

Chapter II-Part II​

August 3rd-August 8th: The Battle of Staunton ​

*Deleted due to awkward and useless attempt at making a narrative.*​

​

 

[stnylan]

A blow for freedom! or something, err....

 

[LlywelynII]

... something that you never would have expected had I not revealed it to you: THE STORYTELLING STYLE CHANGES!!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH! YOU WERE EXPECTING A HISTORY-BOOK STYLE THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH, WEREN'T YOU? WELL, YOU WERE WRONG! NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET A NARRATIVE ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE OF STAUNTON, AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT! Thank you.

Yer welcome.

An' Ah did, scept it was even funnier when ye're writin a textbook with'en them there zombies, what with the flesh-eatin and the undead Yankee whordes an' whatnot.

j.

 

[HannibalBarca]

Yer welcome.

An' Ah did, scept it was even funnier when ye're writin a textbook with'en them there zombies, what with the flesh-eatin and the undead Yankee whordes an' whatnot.

j.

A'ight. No more narrative then. It was sorta akwerd anyways.

 

[HannibalBarca]

Chapter III​

August 8th-November 5th: The March to Louisville​

By August 8th, the battle of Staunton was over. However, the vile Yankee/Zombie hordes of High Wizard Lincoln had not given up trying to take the Industrial town. On August 12th, two fresh (well, not literally, because they're all rotting corpses, but you get the idea...) Yankee zombie divisions of around a billion undead ghouls each were once again fighting and losing miserably to Lee's highly trained army of Southron super-soldiers.

​

On August 18th, the bloodied (again, figuratively, as zombies can't bleed) hordes of high wizard Lincoln withdrew from Staunton, and abandoned their attempts to capture it.

​

In the West, the army of Tennessee, led by a faceless shapeshifter known only as Yancy, capt- err...liberated Bowling Green, Kentucky from the Yankees on August 24, and marched northward towards Louisville.

​

On September 15th, the already all-powerful Southron armies became EVEN MORE powerful, their numbers augmented by the 40,000 troops that had been mobilized. 30,000 were attached to the Army of Tennesse which had engaged the Yankee armies in Louisville, and another 10,000 was attached to Lee's Army of Northern Virginia/Awesomeness.

​

The Southron army in Kentucky suffered a truly terrible blow when the shapeshifting General Yancy...exploded...on the field of battle at Louisville. In what is entirely a coincidence brought on by tragic circumstances, his replacement was General TJ Jackson, the second most awesome General in the history of forever.

​

Jackson would certainly have his work cut out for him, as billions of Yankee zombie warriors began to slouch towards Louisville and Jackson. But with his amazingness as a general, and the added bonus of invoking the "deeply religious" trait to get God to smite the enemy, Jackson would easily be able to defend Louisville.

​

Back in the East, the division of Texans was trained and ready to go. Much to their displeasure, however, they were assigned garrison duty in Staunton. Lee, meanwhile, began a grand offensive, to liberate Manassas, and beyond...

​

Will Lee's offensive succeed? Will Jackson hold on in the West? Will the authAAR try something stupid like incoporating a narrative ever again? Find out next time! YEEEEEHAW!

 

[stnylan]

Mmm, yes, yes, yes?

 

[SirCliveWolfe]

I gotta say that I am loving this AAR, it's a great tale

Chapter II-Part II​

August 3rd-August 8th: The Battle of Staunton ​

*Deleted due to awkward and useless attempt at making a narrative.*

​

This is a shame tho... I thought it was really good

 

[HannibalBarca]

I gotta say that I am loving this AAR, it's a great tale



This is a shame tho... I thought it was really good

Eh. I thought I'd just keep it as a history book. I've never really tried it before.

 

[Novea]

Intresting style

What are your aims in this war? Mere independence ........ or wholesale obiliteration of the yankie zombies and all their necromancer generals?