• Hey, Guest! We’re glad you are a part of the Paradox Community and want to know what you think about it. Please let us know by filling out this short survey. We appreciate it!
  • Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Farquharson

Mad Clansman
14 Badges
Nov 7, 2003
1.713
2
malcolm.lyon.free.fr
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Surviving Mars
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
Space: The Fungal Frontier

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away from... every other galaxy, circling a star called Ganlargo, which was in turn far, far away from every other star in this galaxy, there was a planet called Ganlarevia. Ganlarevia was covered in dense jungles and fetid swamps and it was home to a fantastic assortment of lifeforms, some beautiful, weird and wonderful. Most however were pretty ugly, if not downright repulsive. Perhaps the most repulsive of all were the Ganlarev, a race of carnivorous tentacled fungi after whom the planet was named. To say that the Ganlarev smelled bad was to push understatement to its limits. The Ganlarev would stun their prey by their overpowering stench, then feed on their still-living flesh before they could recover.

2200-not-a-nice-race.jpg
The Ganlarev were not a nice race.

This may have explained why other stars seemed to give Ganlargo such a wide berth.


2200-wide-berth.jpg
Even the Ganlarev themselves could not stand each other's malodorous company, preferring complete isolation from one another. Fortunately, Ganlarevian reproduction was by means of air-borne spores and could be accomplished over vast distances, the sort of distances which the Ganlarev liked to keep between themselves and their nearest neighbours.

Ganlarevian was an unusual language, being entirely communicated by smell. Subtle nuances of odour could be detected by the Ganlarev's hyper-senitive olfactory systems over enormous distances. Politics on Ganlarevia was therefore an inescapable facet of life. When a local politician made a speech, you couldn't ignore it. It got everywhere. In fact a trained Ganlarev orator could communicate with most of the planet's population without the aid of any technology whatsoever.

The current President of Ganlarevia, known universally as Paggro the Pungent, was making a speech at this very moment. It was a historic speech, a speech that held significance not just for Ganlarevian society, but for the entire galaxy. The Ganlarev had just perfected interstellar travel.

"Citizens of Ganlarevia" boomed out Paggro the Pungent.


Those unfortunate enough to live nearest to the presidential palace swooned from the shock, their faces melting in the noisome blast.

"Today is a historic day for our race!"


Much clapping, mostly of tentacles over olfactory sensors.

"Today our starships hover on the brink of a new era! Today we begin our quest to seek out new worlds. Ganlarevia, as you are all too aware, has grown too small for us. We are forced today to live desperately close to one another, a state of affairs I know we all regard with horror and dismay."


Howls of agreement from around the planet.

"But I have a dream, fellow-citizens! I dream of a day when the Ganlarev will all be able to live as far from one another as we wish. I personally am dreaming of a small, swamp-infested moon on the far side of the galaxy. Preferably all to myself. Such dreams, I believe, are the right of every citizen of Ganlarevia."


Rapturous applause.

"We may encounter other alien races on our quest..."


Gasps of horror.

"... but probably not."


Sighs of relief.

"Our scientists have investigated this matter, and assure us that such a possibility is remote. We are almost certainly alone in our galaxy."


Enthusiastic cheering.

"Today, my friends, a virgin galaxy awaits us!"


The cheering went on for days. Sadly, however, the Ganlarevian scientists were wrong. As we all know, there are always other alien races out there waiting to be encountered. Those who were unfortunate enough to share their galaxy with the Ganlarev were in for a terrible shock.

Life would never be the same again.


2200-start.jpg
 
Last edited:

Farquharson

Mad Clansman
14 Badges
Nov 7, 2003
1.713
2
malcolm.lyon.free.fr
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Surviving Mars
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
So here it is, my first attempt at a Stellaris AAR. I only got this game about a month ago, but I quickly got hooked. Having said that, I still regard myself as a definite Stellaris noob. But as I've discovered in the past, one of the best ways to graduate from noob to master is to write an AAR and get far more experienced readers to give useful help and advice. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your taste) the only kind of AAR that I am any good at actually completing is comedy. So that's what we're stuck with I'm afraid - the mad ramblings of Farquharson's diseased mind hit AARland once more...

And yet...

This is a game in which not only can you encounter a race of six-eyed fanatically spiritualist mushrooms, you can actually play as them. I mean, is it just me or does that not offer a certain measure of comic potential??

So off we go. This AAR will not be too long I hope, as it's a bit of an experiment. To that end I have chosen to play in a tiny galaxy. That way I can be reasonably sure of finishing both the game and the AAR. If it goes well, longer and larger AARs may follow. The Ganlarev are a randomly generated race. I'm someone who prefers the fun of making do with whatever I get. The Ganlarev are pretty unpromising, I have to say. I can just tell that they're going to hate everybody and everybody is going to hate them. So the first job was to give a reason for this. The answer seemed obvious. These guys have a serious BO problem. BO of astronomical proportions in fact.

And now to get going with the actual game, which is still paused on January 1 2200...
 

Yenzen

Stagnant Descendant
45 Badges
Jul 23, 2012
3.642
5.320
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Divine Wind
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Stellaris: Ancient Relics
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Stellaris: Leviathans Story Pack
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Shadowrun: Dragonfall
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Stellaris
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • 500k Club
  • Victoria 2
  • Stellaris: Synthetic Dawn

Farquharson

Mad Clansman
14 Badges
Nov 7, 2003
1.713
2
malcolm.lyon.free.fr
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Surviving Mars
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
A Dream Dismembered

President Paggro “the Pungent” was in a deep depression. Generally speaking, the Ganlarev enjoyed wallowing in deep swampy depressions, supported and surrounded by the decomposing remnants of their most recent meals. But this was not the sort of deep depression that President Paggro was in. His was a deep mental depression brought on by the events of the past two years.

It had all begun so optimistically. Proud Ganlarev ships had set out to explore the cosmos, confident in the belief that the galaxy was theirs for the taking, with system after system ripe for Ganlarev colonization. But now, as President Paggro mulled over the mental agony of these last months, that dream seemed to mock him from the grave.

For the reality had turned out to be very different. Horribly different.

Suddenly he was interrupted from his black reverie by a waft from the olfac-link beside him. Ah – it must be time for his meeting with SO Pablasch aboard the GCS Sniffer who had just reported the completion of his survey of the Ganlargo System. Paggro shook his tentacles and pressed the link pad.


2201-paggro-pablasch.png
President Paggro: Officer Pablasch! So good to smell you!

SO Pablasch: The pleasure is all mine, Mr President, sir.

President Paggro: I understand that congratulations are in order, Pablasch, on a job well done.

SO Pablasch: I have certainly done my best, sir.

President Paggro: Ah, how I envy you Pablasch, out there alone in the solitude of space. It must be heaven, is it not?

SO Pablasch: It's, er... a little cramped on board, sir. But yes, the total lack of company does make up for that.

Naturally all Ganlarev ships had solo crews. It was unthinkable that a Ganlarev would submit to being confined to something as small as a spaceship in the company of anyone else.

President Paggro: And some pretty pleasant results, as far as our own system goes, wouldn't you say?


SO Pablasch: Very much, sir. The gas giant Guraschim is a good energy source, a possible research site on the moon Agglor, and plenty of minerals to be mined in several locations.

President Paggro: And the – ah – the Irassian project, of course.

SO Pablasch: Yes, sir. That was not quite so pleasant, of course.

President Paggro: Ah, Pablasch, you weren't down here when the news broke. You were lucky. The stench was everywhere for days.

SO Pablasch: Hmm. I smelled some of it on the newsfeed, naturally, but... yes, it was good not to be there.

President Paggro: Nothing, of course, compared to the news from Val'Sho.

The President shuddered at the horrific memory. Only a few months into their reconnaissance flights, one of the military corvettes, the unmanned Killer Perfume had signalled back to Ganlarevia the detection of a space-faring alien civilization virtually on the Ganlarev's doorstep. While the Irassian Concordat was apparently just a distant memory now all but lost in the mists of time, this was a civilization that was clearly very much alive and well. And far too close.

SO Pablasch: Indeed, sir. And from Kenjor, and Uldor, and Ereness, and...


President Paggro: Pablasch, stop! Please! I think I'm going to be sick!

The memories were too nauseating. Kenjor, not far beyond Val'Sho, had proved to be harbouring yet another space-faring race. And then there were the ancient pirates, the mining drones, the space-borne organics... Far from being empty, the galaxy had proved to be a ghastly place, chock-full of uncounted horrors. All three of the corvettes had come to a grisly end: the Killer Perfume atomized by some sort of pirate galleon in Uldor, the Lethal Fragrance lasered to smithereens by hordes of mining drones in Ereness, and the Deadly Aroma nuked to oblivion by more pirates in Mili. A much-sobered Ganlarev government had had to seriously rethink the Ganlarev space programme.

So Pablasch waited a respectful moment before he put his next question.

SO Pablasch: Sir – I believe Space Committee have concluded their meeting. Did they – ah – come to a decision?


President Pablasch: Yes, indeed, Pablasch. The desperate overcrowding on Ganlarevia remains a sordid reality. Do you know - only last week someone wandered within a mere ten miles of the Presidential Palace. For one horrific moment I thought they had come to stay!

SO Pablasch: Gosh, sir – what happened?

President Paggro: They moved on after only a short time, thankfully. But it put the wind up me, I can tell you. This is what it's coming to Pablasch. It's a global crisis!

SO Pablasch: And so the planned colonization programme will continue, sir, is that what I'm smelling?

President Paggro: Correct Pablasch. SO Regglor is working flat out on the colony ship tech. He thinks we'll be able to launch the first one in about five years time.

SO Pablasch: That's excellent news, sir. But did the committee make any decision about where we should locate the first colony?

President Paggro: No Pablasch, not yet. The feeling was that we needed more intelligence on the alien races in Val'Sho and Kenjor before we decide how to proceed. The data from Val'Sho in particular suggests a civilization well in advance of our own. One we wouldn't want to antagonize perhaps, by getting too close too quickly. And yet almost all the most promising colonization sites are near them.

SO Pablasch: And their home planet, sir? Any data on that?

President Paggro: All too similar to Ganlarevia, I'm afraid, Pablasch. It appears we are going to be in competition. Ah – the whole thing is a nightmare! Perhaps I'll wake up in a moment and find it was all a bad dream.

SO Pablasch: Ahem – with respect, sir, that's probably not going to happen.

President Paggro: Alas, no. Anyway, Pablasch – you probably want to know what orders the committee had for you?

SO Pablasch: Yes sir – I'm ready to commence warping to nearby systems to undertake full surveys. Any particular priorities at this stage, sir?

President Paggro: No Pablasch, the committee are happy to leave it to your discretion. It goes without saying that you'll stay away from known dangers. As the first Ganlarev to leave our system, I offer you my congratulations in advance, Pablasch. You're about to make Ganlarev history!

2201-nearby-space.jpg

An up-to-date star chart of the galaxy in the vicinity of Ganlargo

The two diamond-shaped “P” symbols indicate planets with unusual names, suggesting the presence of primtives, one an arctic world, the other tropical. How the Ganlarev will deal with that new twist we have yet to discover.

And here's my first question about gameplay. I've switched on debugtooltip in order to see the gender of the different leaders, and I notice that President Paggro is labelled as having the mandate “Shipwright”, but there's nothing about this in the Situation Log (since there was no election I suppose). I'm assuming that this means there's no point trying to fulfil it, but does anyone know for sure? Also am I right in thinking that the Shipwright mandate is to build your fleet up to 75% of maximum capacity?
 
Last edited:

stnylan

Compulsive CommentatAAR
119 Badges
Aug 1, 2002
36.927
3.109
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • March of the Eagles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Europa Universalis: Rome Collectors Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings III
  • Darkest Hour
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
Oh, this will be a treat Farquharson. It is good to "see" you.

iirc the mandate isn't effective for your first ruler, but since I am, like you, a Stellaris newbie I will bow to the wisdom of more experienced personages.

I love the setup by the way.
 

Nikolai

Basileus Romaion
71 Badges
Jun 17, 2001
19.745
1.822
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Supreme Ruler: Cold War
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome Collectors Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Hearts of Iron IV Sign-up
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Stellaris: Lithoids
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Magicka
  • March of the Eagles
So I opened this subforum. I saw a familiar name. A name of the Old Forumites, walkers of the ancient path. This name brought a curious look to my face. I sensed humor. I had to open the relevant thread. I read the opening post. I smiled. I chuckled. I was on the bring of a laugh. And I was having a bad day, so that said something. Then I read on. I got hooked. I am now awaiting more awesomeness.
 

Yenzen

Stagnant Descendant
45 Badges
Jul 23, 2012
3.642
5.320
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Divine Wind
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Stellaris: Ancient Relics
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Stellaris: Leviathans Story Pack
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Shadowrun: Dragonfall
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Stellaris
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • 500k Club
  • Victoria 2
  • Stellaris: Synthetic Dawn
Oh, this will be a treat Farquharson. It is good to "see" you.

iirc the mandate isn't effective for your first ruler, but since I am, like you, a Stellaris newbie I will bow to the wisdom of more experienced personages.

I love the setup by the way.
You are correct about the mandate.

Most jarringly, were you a plutocracy, you would not even have an agenda (powerful, 40 year bonuses) for the first 40 years, unless you hold an emergency election, which... sucks.
 

Farquharson

Mad Clansman
14 Badges
Nov 7, 2003
1.713
2
malcolm.lyon.free.fr
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Surviving Mars
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
stnylan: Lovely to have you along!

Nikolai: Ditto, and I'm glad I managed to brighten your day.

Yenzen (and stnylan): Thanks for the clarification. I was pretty sure first rulers didn't get a "real" mandate but I was intrigued to see Paggro seemed to have one attached to himself anyway. I suppose that's what might be called a "hidden agenda".

And it's the weekend, so the updates are coming thick and fast - here's the next installment.
 

Farquharson

Mad Clansman
14 Badges
Nov 7, 2003
1.713
2
malcolm.lyon.free.fr
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Surviving Mars
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
Joking Apart

On September 2nd 2203 a large comet was sighted in the skies over Ganlarevia, causing the mood of the populace to plummet even lower. This was clearly a portent of doom. And sure enough, just three months later, the Department of Interstellar Communications reported some disturbing news to the Presidential Palace. The DIC had been set up chiefly to maintain contact with Ganlarev ships which were voyaging beyond the Ganlargo System, but they had just picked up a strange feed that had nothing to do with any Ganlarev ship. It was short, and was being repeated every eight and a half minutes.

Communication from Valdari League to Ganlarev Concordat. You receive?


President Paggro contacted the DIC right away, and began giving instructions on how to respond.

Yes, we have received your communication. Who are you?


Greetings. We Valdari. From Val'Sho. You Ganlarev. From Ganlargo.

2203-valdari.jpg

“Not very advanced linguistically, are they?” remarked the DIC director to President Paggro.

Sh! sh! Ahem, yes. Greetings Valdari. I would say I'm pleased to meet you, only the day we discovered you was probably the most awful day in our history, so that wouldn't really be true.


Peaceful coexistence is path of happiness and fulfilment.

Smells like a load of bull to me.

Bull?

Ahem – lost in translation I think. But I thought it was pretty funny all the same.

The DIC director was in stitches.

Ganlarev ways strange to Valdari. Eating flesh of animals.


Well of course we eat the flesh of animals you bovine imbecile, what else would we eat? Speaking of which, you look pretty meaty yourselves. Are you any good to eat?

Valdari eat leaves only. No hurt any animal.

Well you smell like a pretty weird bunch to me.

Peaceful coexistence good for Valdari. Is good for Ganlarev also?

Yes, yes, whatever.

We close borders – no flesh-eaters allowed. For Valdari safety.

Oh good grief! I was joking, really. Can't you guys take a joke?

Joke?

No, apparently not. Well just for good measure let's say you keep out of our space as well. For your own safety.

If Ganlarev wish.

Well so long, Mr Valdari Leader Guy. I hope we don't meet again.

Peace.

Whatever.

It was generally agreed that initial communications with the Valdari had not gone very well. President Paggro's efforts to lighten the tone with humour seemed to have fallen flat.

On the other hand the discovery that the Valdari apparently wouldn't hurt a fly was considered very positive. Two of the systems that the Ganlarev had noted as possible colonization sites were actually within Valdari space, so were now discounted for the time being. But two were not, and it seemed that there would be little danger in grabbing these before the Valdari got to them. Pablasch was ordered to survey them as quickly as possible, while the constructor ship GCS Elbow Grease was sent to prepare to construct a Frontier Outpost if the Valdari seemed to be showing too much interest in them.

The other implication of the exchange was that Kenjor, the other system inhabited by a space-faring species, was now unreachable by Ganlarev ships as it would require passage through Valdari space. It was a matter of debate whether this was a good or a bad thing. In any case, as 2205 opened the DIC reported another new feed, this time from Kenjor. Once again, President Paggro took charge of the situation. He decided to stick with a jocular approach, believing that the Valdari were unusual in their apparent lack of a sense of humour.


2204-kenjodani.jpg

I am Malgaud I. I speak on behalf of the Kenjodan Collective. Greetings.

Hi. This is President Paggro here. I should say right away that we weren't that happy to find you where you are, but since the Cow-people have shut their borders we can't get there anyway, so everything is cool.

Cow-people?

The – whadjammacallem – Valdari is it? Hey, you guys do eat meat don't you? Those guys only eat leaves, would you believe. We thought they looked quite tasty, but don't worry. You look too much like Sylgian wildcats – they're pretty disgusting.

Sorry. Perhaps I have misunderstood. You are saying the Kenjodani are disgusting?

No, no. Just that you'd probably be disgusting to eat.

You wish to eat us?

No, no. Oh brother. Do you guys have a sense of humour by any chance? It's just, those Cow-guys don't seem to and we had a spot of trouble communicating with them.

You are wasting my time, fungoid. I grow weary of your prattle.

Right. Well, I'm not really bothered if you're weary or not. It was you that contacted us. Did you actually have anything important to say?

Protocol demands that we establish contact. We see no reason for friction between us.

Well that's for sure, since we can't even get to your space any more.

Why does that seem like a good thing to me?

Yes well, don't call us, we'll call you.

As you wish, fungoid.

Once again, President Paggro's jocular approach didn't seem to have gone down well. The Ganlarev were finding that even those aliens who did not kill on sight were still very touchy. The best course of action seemed to be to keep themselves to themselves. Perhaps things might yet turn out all right in the end.
 
Last edited:

stnylan

Compulsive CommentatAAR
119 Badges
Aug 1, 2002
36.927
3.109
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • March of the Eagles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Europa Universalis: Rome Collectors Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings III
  • Darkest Hour
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
Yes - keep away from everyone. It is the only way!
 

Farquharson

Mad Clansman
14 Badges
Nov 7, 2003
1.713
2
malcolm.lyon.free.fr
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Surviving Mars
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
Forward the Fungal Frontier

After the debacle of the first five years of Ganlarev space exploration, the general mood on Ganlarevia finally started to climb again. The decision to have as little as possible to do with the Valdari, and even less with the Kenjodani, was met with universal public approval. Social media was awash with Valdari jokes.

“What did the Valdari give her calf when he passed his arithmetic test?”


“A pat on the head.”

“Did you hear about the Valdari scientist?”

“He was out standing in his own field.”

And so on.

When a Valdari survey ship was spotted roaming around the Evaggimar System, the GCS Elbow Grease was quickly ordered to set up a Frontier Outpost there. The lush jungles of Evaggimar III clearly needed to be protected from the depredations of wanton Valdari grazers. Climate change risk and all that.

And when the Frontier Outpost was completed, oh joy! it was found that the Ganlarev had thus succeeded in stealing the Banthary System from the Valdari. Thus the lush jungles of Banthary II were now also given protected status as the Banthary Planetary Park – all planning applications to be sent to Ganlarevia for consideration and (unlikely) approval.


2205-gained-banthary.jpg
Meanwhile the first Ganlarev Colony Ship, the GCS Solitude, was gradually taking shape in the Orbital Construction Yard of Ganlarevia. In 2206 the great day finally came when Solitude fired up her thrusters and began the historic voyage to Banthary II, to found the first Ganlarev interstellar colony.

There was of course the slight problem of how many Ganlarev would make up this initial colony. As has been mentioned, no Ganlarev could be expected to tolerate a voyage of several months in such close proximity to even one other Ganlarev, but the cost of building an individual ship for each colonist had seemed prohibitive. It was Science Officer Regglor, the brains behind the New Worlds Protocol, who had come up with a brilliant plan. All those enlisted to work on it however had had to be sworn to secrecy.

President Paggro had announced that there would be a planet-wide competition to decide which Ganlarev citizen would be granted the honour of making up the solo crew of Solitude. Whoever came up with the funniest Valdari joke would win. Almost everyone on the planet had had a go, although it has to be said that most of the jokes submitted were of mediocre quality.

The entrant who had come up with “What do the Valdari do in their spare time? Listen to moo-sic”, for example, did not get past the first round.

But now, Jegglom sat in the living quarters of Solitude, basking in the glory of having been given the honour as a reward for her entry: “What do you call Valdari attempts to colonize Banthary? An udder failure!” She was on her way to a new virgin planet, and she would have it all to herself for perhaps several years at least. She was so excited. She had been somewhat puzzled about her living quarters being so cramped. Officer Regglor had explained in great detail (not a whiff of which Jegglom understood) that the other components of the ship – the thrusters, reactors, etc, took up so much space that only a tiny compartment was left for the solo crew.

And then the historic day arrived. Jegglom had felt the gradually increasing gravity as Solitude approached her destination. Then there was the furious vibration of atmospheric entry and the violent shaking and shuddering as the landing thrusters burst into life. And then, gently, beautifully, almost magically, she had felt the great ship come to rest on the surface of the planet. There was a hiss as her living quarters were unsealed and pulsing signals directed her out to the airlock. Her sensors, sleepy after her long confinement, were hit by an olfactory tsunami of smells from the surrounding jungle.

But there was something else. Amid the deluge of alien odours, she could smell the unmistakable scent of another Ganlarev.

No, not one, but several. She began to count. Three, four, five... What? There were sixteen of them emerging from the vast hull of Solitude! And then the wafts of dismay.

What!


But I won the competition!

Nonsense, it was me – who are you?

But they said...

And then it began to dawn on them one by one.

The filthy liars!


The cheats!

How could they do this?

Let's declare independence!

Sudden silence.

Hey, it was just a joke.


That at least calmed everyone down. And then as one the sixteen began hurrying away from the Solitude in all directions. There were countless strange, bizarre, perhaps even dangerous features to study amid these new virgin jungles, but no one stopped to smell a thing. All they wanted to do was to get away from the others as quickly as possible. The trauma of discovering that they had just spent several months cooped up only metres away from fifteen fellow-citizens was already taking its toll. For some it would take years to recover. Of course, Jegglom, a trained psychotherapist, now realized bitterly that her place on the ship had had nothing to do with her joke. She would have her work cut out just nursing her fellow-colonists back to normality.

Meanwhile, in an ever-increasing circle around the landing site of the Solitude the local fauna of Banthary II began to reel and stagger as they were hit by a hideous miasma. Many succumbed instantly, others managed to crawl away to safety. But one thing was certain. Life on Banthary II was about to change forever. The odious stench of the Ganlarev had begun to creep across the galaxy.


2208-two-planets.jpg
 
Last edited:

stnylan

Compulsive CommentatAAR
119 Badges
Aug 1, 2002
36.927
3.109
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • March of the Eagles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Europa Universalis: Rome Collectors Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings III
  • Darkest Hour
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
Looks like you have an excellent starting situation.

I must say I did rather like the joke "an udder failure". Made me smile. And the other joke, played on the colonists. That rather made me smile too.
 

Nikolai

Basileus Romaion
71 Badges
Jun 17, 2001
19.745
1.822
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Supreme Ruler: Cold War
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome Collectors Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Hearts of Iron IV Sign-up
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Stellaris: Lithoids
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Magicka
  • March of the Eagles
Let's just agree to never let the president do diplomacy again.:p
 

Farquharson

Mad Clansman
14 Badges
Nov 7, 2003
1.713
2
malcolm.lyon.free.fr
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Surviving Mars
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
Looks like you have an excellent starting situation.

I must say I did rather like the joke "an udder failure". Made me smile. And the other joke, played on the colonists. That rather made me smile too.
Yes, the Ganlarev starting situation took a definite turn for the better when I managed to put up a Frontier Outpost in Evaggimar, thus securing both that system and Banthary.

Let's just agree to never let the president do diplomacy again.:p
Well, his ten-year term ends in just a couple of years, so he may not get another chance anyway.

Farquharson! :D Glad to see you 'round these parts again -- and amusing as ever.
Welcome aboard!

Next chapter is coming up.
 

Farquharson

Mad Clansman
14 Badges
Nov 7, 2003
1.713
2
malcolm.lyon.free.fr
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Surviving Mars
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
New Horizons

Incoming olfac-link feed from Val'Sho, flagged URGENT, President Paggro in communication with Coordinator Galdrig den Piriam.

2208-valdari.jpg

Valdari to Ganlarev. You receive?

Mr Valdari Leader Guy! How unpleasant to smell you again!

Peaceful coexistence. Ganlarev agree this.

That's right, now that you mention it, I do vaguely remember you wittering on about something like that.

Ganlarev break agreement.

Ahem, well everything is peaceful at our end. You guys having some sort of problem?

Banthary belong Valdari.

“Banthary belong Valdari”, now let's see, what is he trying to tell me? Oh, I get it, you mean Banthary used to belong to the Valdari? Yes, that's quite right. And on that subject let me thank you so much for the two mining stations you left for us there. They're coming in very useful.

Ganlarev no peaceful coexistence. Steal systems.

Guys, if you're too stupid to put a Frontier Outpost in a system you want to keep, that's your problem.

Valdari respectfully request Ganlarev withdraw. Valdari need energy sources.

Ah, I see – you've got an energy crisis? Hey why don't you recycle your dung into biofuel? Or does that just seem like a pat answer to the problem? Ha, ha, ha! Get it? Pat answer??

Pat?

Oh, sorry. I forgot, you guys don't actually get jokes. Well, take it from me, that was a good one.

Ganlarev please withdraw.

No way. Our colony on Banthary II stays right where it is. So here's our proposal for peaceful coexistence. You guys stick to Val'Sho, and if you don't make too much of a stink we'll leave you in peace. Have a think about the biofuel thing, I'm sure you'll manage to work it out *snigger*. And you can leave colonizing the galaxy to us. How does that smell?

This sad day for galaxy.

Speak for yourselves. Most people are pretty happy in our bit of it. So, if that's all you had to say we can probably wrap it up for today. Toodle-oo, Mr Valdari Leader Guy.

Peace.

Whatever.

After this consummate piece of diplomacy, nothing more was heard from the Valdari, or indeed from the Kenjodani. This was regarded as a Good Thing, and proof that President Paggro's approach had been effective. The Ganlarev could safely pretend for now that they were actually alone in the galaxy, since they didn't have contact with anyone else.

But even a tiny galaxy such as theirs was quite a big place, and Science Officer Pablasch was making slow progress as he cruised from system to system in GCS Sniffer, discovering exploitable resources and other weird and wonderful stuff. So a second survey ship, GCS Snuffler, was commissioned and manned by a new recruit, Science Officer Alorig. Between them, Pablasch and Alorig began to open up the vast tracts of space antispinward from Ganlargo. This was in the opposite direction to the Valdari and the Kenjodani, and although a few hostile alien creatures had been encountered there, it was still hoped that there were no more sentient races in that direction whose presence might hinder Ganlarev expansion.

In 2209 Pablasch discovered a reasonably habitable planet in the Sadatoni system, on which he detected the presence of a strange and somewhat repulsive race of primitives who had not yet progressed beyond the stone age. Their presence was extremely irritating, but it was decided that they could be conveniently herded into small “homeland reservations” to give Ganlarev colonists maximum room for expansion.

In 2210 President Paggro's term of office came to an end. Although he was standing for re-election, no one really expected him to win against his main rival, the up and coming Senator Bagglosch. Bagglosch was a real champion of the people, and everyone loved him. His speeches were stirring, and he seemed to put new life back into the dream which Paggro had described back in 2200, of a virgin galaxy awaiting Ganlarev exploration and colonization. He was a master of glossing over inconvenient truths, such as the presence of other sentient species, and when election day came he won by a landslide.

In 2211 the DIC received an incoming feed from Science Officer Alorig who was surveying the Samderaan system, which was located well to antispinward of Sadatoni. He had made a discovery that he felt merited an interview with President Bagglosch.

Well my boy, what's up? Some sort of historic discovery I've no doubt.


Perhaps, sir – another sentient race, on Samderaan IV I'm afraid.

Ah well, not to worry. Put them on the blower and I'll have a chat with them.

Well sir, they're not that sentient actually. More like the Sadatonians really, but slightly more advanced.

Intriguing – what have you found out about them, Alorig?

2211-qvefoz.jpg

Well sir, they call themselves something that smells like “Qvefoz”, and they hop about the ice in huge flocks...

Wait! Wait! Ice? Flocks?

It's an ice world, sir.

Oh – so not one we'd be interested in colonizing?

Absolutely not sir – we'd never survive for a minute down there.

And “flocks” - are they some sort of birdlife?

I think so, sir. They have wings, but I haven't detected them flying at all. Their behaviour is bizarre in the extreme. They huddle together in huge flocks.

2211-flock.jpg


A flock of Qvefoz exhibiting their bizarre social behaviour

Well, we don't seem to have anything in common with these creatures, Alorig. Why don't we just leave them alone?

Well sir, I was wondering – perhaps if we subjugated them...?

Subjugated them? But what on earth for?

Well, if the Qvefoz were officially subjugated by us, that would make Samderaan officially a Ganlarev system. It would plant the Ganlarev flag in this sector of the galaxy.

Aha! Yes, I see what you mean, Alorig. You're a genius! OK, you have my official permission to get down there and subjugate the critters!

Ahem, well sir, I don't think I could do it myself.

Oh.

There are millions of them.

Oh dear – and we thought we had an overcrowding problem! Well, what do you suggest, Alorig?

An assault force, sir. But they'll need to be pretty well equipped.

Hmm, right. I see.

And sir.

Yes?

They may need to be trained to use... ah, how can I put this?... close formation, sir.

Cripes! Yes, Alorig, I can smell that. Well, we'll get the boffins on to it, I'm sure they'll come up with something. Anyway, keep up the good work, Alorig. We're all depending on you.

Very good sir.

2213-expansion.jpg


President Bagglosch's new plans for Ganlarev expansion


 
Last edited:

stnylan

Compulsive CommentatAAR
119 Badges
Aug 1, 2002
36.927
3.109
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • March of the Eagles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Europa Universalis: Rome Collectors Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings III
  • Darkest Hour
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
Some interesting stuff in that direction to be sure. Must exploit.

Definitely getting the impression there might be some satire in this AAR as well.
 

Nikolai

Basileus Romaion
71 Badges
Jun 17, 2001
19.745
1.822
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Supreme Ruler: Cold War
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Europa Universalis III: Collection
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome Collectors Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Hearts of Iron IV Sign-up
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Stellaris: Lithoids
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Magicka
  • March of the Eagles
Close? Did he say CLOSE? HERESY!