Chapter Thirty Nine - Under New Germanagement
With the diplomats having suffered considerably over the last few years, nations ever inexplicably unhappy following a visit from them, the government have accepted their request that a new easily completed written declaration of war be created for use against smaller nations. The new declaration soon complete, the government send the first copy to Wurttemberg whilst citing the respected and oft used, 'We Want to Test Out Our New Deceleration of War Upon You' casus belli.
A number of diplomats travel to Wurttemburg so as to judge firsthand the effects of the new declaration. Written as it was by some of Sokoto's literary greats they expect a rapturous response to the non-confrontational, appeasing words:
"Dear Smaller, weaker nation with something we want/Evil Empire/Fancy dress shop/Ally in need of aid (delete as applicable); [Wurttemberg] (insert name of nation/shop here),
Congratulations! You have been chosen from amongst countless other nations/fancydress shops to enjoy the experience of war with Sokoto. So as to get the most from this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (it will most likely quite literally prove a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity) please do the following:
- Disband all armed forces within your nation/fire all security guards working for your shop.
-Ready provinces/shops for Sokot rule by distributing highly fashionable pink and green clothing to all citizens/employees, begin flying the Sokot flag from every available place and bring an end to all democratic rights currently afforded to citizens/employees and customers of the chosen provinces/shops Sokoto wishes to acquire.
- Announce to the world that you have inflicted horrific casualties upon Sokoto's heroically incompetent forces.
- Surrender as quickly as possible after completing the aforementioned steps.
The government/management of nations/shops which comply with the above will be entered into a prize draw to win a year's supply of delicious Sokot wine.
If this is your first war with Sokoto rest assured our experienced forces will loot, pillage and ravage your land/shop to your satisfaction. If for whatever reason we are unable to annex all of your lands/shops in this war we will endeavour to return as quickly as possible, as soon as any truce ends, so as to finish off whatever is left.
Yours congratulatingly,
Sokoto"
As expected this new declaration proves a resounding success, Sokoto's frightened diplomats soon desperately fleeing Wurttemberg following delivery of said declaration.
Whilst Sokoto's troops struggle to defeat the Wurttemberg juggernaut the government is given a worrying report a few weeks later. The cartographers reluctantly inform the government of some new font added to the map near the recently established Sokot colony of East Angola.
The North German Federation owning this font, this another of the large areas of land that they have colonised within Sokoto. In doing so they continue their deplorable practice of bringing good governance, excellent health care, wonderful education and horrific map colour to Africa. Appalled by this news the government hurriedly order the colonisation of Waw, it clearly Sokoto's duty to save as much of Africa as possible from so dreadful a fate.
With Sokoto's armed forces currently stretched to breaking point due to the three wars and rebel 're-education' campaign they are engaged in, the unstoppable Wurttemberg in particular proving a most difficult foe, the government feel the time is right to begin yet another war. The diplomats are sent forth.
They return several days later, having fled terrified from Bavaria. Said terror caused by their suggestion, whilst delivering the declaration to Bavaria, that Oktoberfest, a Bavarian celebration of beer, be cancelled in favour of a new celebration named Soktoberfest. This renaming to coincide with a celebration of Sokoto's far superior mud based wines and liquor. For some reason their Bavarian hosts took exception to this brilliant suggestion.
As Sokoto's armed forces desperately attempt to scrape together enough men to deal with this new war the government is given some fantastic news just over a month later.
The Prime Minister in particular is gratified to learn that Qina's white cotton balls have become famous, his own balls having long since become world renowned.
Just over a week later, and whilst the Prime Minister continues to tend to his balls, the government is informed of a thumping Sokot victory in Munich.
In a dazzling display of military brilliance Rumfa lost nearly as many men as his Bavarian opponent. This despite his enjoying a considerable advantage in numbers and an overwhelming advantage in artillery over his foe. His brilliance on the battlefield is happily matched by the rest of Sokoto's army as it fails to fully encircle the Bavarian force, the gap at Salzburg allowing for the Bavarians to withdraw.
A few weeks later and the wisdom in allowing the Bavarian army to retreat from Munich is made clear, the great Kumbari Rumfa winning Sokoto one of her proudest victories.
Rumfa's achievement in somehow having managed to suffer more casualties despite hugely outnumbering the broken, demoralised Bavarian force is truly breathtaking. To celebrate so momentous a victory the great man quickly writes a new poem;
I won,
It was fun.
As the adoring Sokot public are left enraptured by Rumfa's prowess both on the battlefield and in the field of poetry, the army begin the much dreaded task of besieging Bavaria. Countless troops are soon left with horrific injuries as a result of said siege duty. Horrific injuries such as a terrible illness which has struck down many soldiers after they sampled small quantities of Sokot wine and liquor during their participation in the recently introduced Soktoberfest. It likely some Bavarian food is the cause of this illness, Sokoto's mud based wines and liquor nothing if not good for a consumer.
Whilst Sokoto's troops suffer terribly as they besiege Bavaria the government carefully choose Sokoto's next target for war by holding a raffle. This the only fair way to determine which nation next enjoy the benefits of Sokot liberation.
Baden the lucky winner of the raffle, a congratulatory declaration of war is promptly sent to the small nation.
As Sokoto's troops are busy bringing the benefits of Sokot liberation to Baden by crushing her forces and pillaging her lands, the government is given some wonderful news over a month later.
At long last 'Sokot Europe' has been added to the map. The cabinet having both feared and eagerly awaited this day in equal measure they hurriedly evacuate all those living within the capital before informing the Prime Minister of the new font.
There is yet further welcome news for the government in December as the Finance Minister announces both his retirement and the discovery of gold in Witwatersrand.
The Finance Minister sadly forced to give up his role within the government upon discovery of documents detailing his family's centuries old claim to the gold mines of Witwatersrand. He understandably feels running said mines is far more important a task than running Sokoto's economy. That the ink has not yet dried on these centuries old documents, and that the writing in said documents is exactly the same as the Finance Minister's is clearly a remarkable coincidence.
As the government congratulate the retiring Finance Minister they are happy to learn that the gold rush sparked by this discovery is leading to Sokoto gaining some prestige. For Sokoto, ever a shy and retiring nation on the international stage, her peaceful ways never garnering her any fame in comparison to warmongers such as Belgium, this boost to prestige is most welcome.
The government's joy soon comes to an end a few months later as peace is agreed with Bavaria.
Whilst it is highly regrettable that 'Sokot Europe' has not increased in size following this peace deal Sokoto has thankfully made some useful additions to the Empire nonetheless.
The decision to liberate the province of Niederbayern from Bavaria clearly an inspired decision, providing as it does thousands of ill-tempered, unemployed workers to the already rebellion stricken Empire.
On April 30th 1888 the nation of Baden accepts full annexation. The government is relieved that at long last this Bad
en influence has been removed from Sokoto's border.
A week later and war with Spain comes to an end.
Much to the disappointment of both the government, and doubtless the people of North America as well, the acquisition of Cuba from Spanish rule has sadly not provided Sokoto with a chance to finally grace North America with her font.
The government's disappointment is assuaged a month later as they are given the pleasing news that Sokoto has acquired a new national focus, there now over four million people of Sokoto's primary Hausa culture within the Empire.
This continued rapid growth in the Hausa population is attributed to a romantic poem written by Rumfa some years before;
I shall besiege your heart for seven hundred and ninety two days,
For you I adore,
Of your pockmarked, bucktoothed, squint eyed face I must see more.
Thus I begin my siege before your door,
In doing so I naturally incur many horrific injuries, which prove quite sore.
A splinter in the finger, a hair left out of place,
Such wounds I gladly suffer so as to once again enjoy your embrace.
Of other suitors attempting to lift my siege I quickly chase,
I the only one deserving of your grace.
And after erecting in your gardens stout fortifications, a moat and siege lines,
I realise I perhaps should have allowed for some food and water to reach your confines.
It rather difficult to survive for seven hundred and ninety two days on naught,
I realise now all my work has been a waste of time as you now rot.
Oh well, plenty more fish in the sea.
The government instantly make use of the new national focus to begin colonisation of Kigali, eager as they are to protect as much of Africa as possible from the insidious North German Federation.
Four days later and war with Wurttemberg finally ends with her annexation.
This a highly impressive victory for Sokoto, it took her a mere fourteen months to defeat a small, near defenceless nation.
The government is left both happy and outraged following this peace deal. They are happy that the cartographers are cheating so as to enlarge Sokoto's font with 'Sokot Europe' now covering part of Austria-Hungary following the peace deal. However there is outrage that Sigmaringen, a small part of the North German Federation, is blocking Sokoto's font from becoming even larger.
The government was willing to overlook the dreadful effects of competent governance and a distasteful map colour having been brought to Africa by the North German Federation, but the blocking of Sokoto's font is another matter entirely. Such disgraceful conduct wholly unacceptable, the diplomats are sent forth.
There is great relief for the government as the North German Federation's friend and ally, the nefarious Belgium, fail to honour their alliance. Sokoto would stand little chance against such a superpower.
Sadly such relief is short-lived.
