• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

peer-LAN

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coatofarmswb8.jpg

Because of the scale of this AAR, I decided to clean it up a bit by adding chapters with links, together with other details you probably won’t even notice.

Chapter I: The perpetual Vichy introduction.

Chapter I.1: A typical day in the life of a Walachian Shepherd.

Chapter I.2: The Wagon Diaries.


Chapter I.3: Welcome the Bucharest.


Chapter I.4: Look into what I got myself this time…


Chapter I.5: Close Encounters of the Third Kind


Chapter I.6: A comprehensive report on our army’s current condition + First “Bucharest Mirage” newspaper issue ever to be published on a forum


Chapter I.5: HE makes a surprise inspection at the army base camp.


Chapter II: Welcome to the wonderful world of Richy.


Chapter II.1: The first screenshot was found


Chapter II.2: An experience from the future


Chapter II.3: The struggle for liberty commence


Chapter II.4: Second “Bucharest Mirage” newspaper issue ever to be published on a forum


Chapter II.5: The mountain started moving




~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter I.1: A typical day of in the life of a Walachian Shepherd.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In a place far away, full of charm and lure, known only by the most preeminent geographers – yes, you guessed it, Walachia – a young man stays awake at dusk, smoking some pot while watching over his sheeps.
But this common looking shepherd is not that common after all; his name is Andrei (the Romanian name equivalent for Andrew, see, that isn’t that absurd after all, and it’s really easy to remember now) and he is the main protagonist in our AAR.
So without any further ado, let’s take a look at what he’s doing right now… (The video camera draws near the character).

Andrei (bored to death, supporting himself with both hands on his stick): Damn, I’m so sick of this job… it has no benefits, no dental insurance or travel reimbursement; tomorrow I’m going to tell my boss that he can shove it up his ass or any other poor animal he has home. Can’t he imagine how it’s like? Watching the same old sheeps eating grass all day for FIVE YEARS… I didn’t want to be a shepherd anyway… I want to be a LUMBERJACK… (Raises his stick up as if it was an axe, prepares himself to start dancing when suddenly).
peer-LAN (a voice from the sky): aaahh… not so fast Andrei, that song is trademarked by Monty… you’ll have to choose some other job.

Andrei: what?? This is my song… we are in the year 1836 Dude, there was no Monty, actually I bet he stolen my song…

peer-LAN: probably, but you’ll have to choose another job. How about a very treacherous job, like… a programmer, you look like an adventurous type?

Andrei: easy Dude, don’t you see that watching sheeps jumping over a fence is busting my ass?

peer-LAN: well then… let’s think of something similar but less dangerous… (after 10 sec)… how about being the leader of the greatest power in the world.

Andrei: Now we're talking, I can do that all day long.

peer-LAN: Ok, let’s see… you’ll be the ruler of … (pause)… uhhh… Kingdom (Andrei start to raise his eyebrow)... of (Andrei almost can’t stand the excitement, with a big grin on his face)...

Andrei: Of? Of?

peer-LAN: Romania.

Andrei: What??? There is no “Kingdom of Romania”… what are you talking about?

peer-LAN: Well yes…there isn’t one; you’ll have to make it.

Andrei: Oh, c’mon (really frustrated)… so…where’s your help in all of this?

peer-LAN: There isn’t any, I’m here just for moral support, but I keep my fingers crossed for you.

Andrei: Bugger

peer-LAN: Well, good luck… I’m out of here.

Andrei: Wait… who the hack are you? Hellooo? Damn, I’m starting to hear voices… spooky

(Our mighty hero goes to his employer ready to give his resignation)
Boss: Yo, slave… what the hack are you doing here, why aren’t you working?

Andrei: Well… sir, firstly I want to tell you that I quit, and secondly, totally not related with the fact that I just quit, that you are a jerk (we are in an AAR after all, there is no point to go beyond the jerk word, even if it would have added to the story line).

Boss: I never understand why you always say that when you quit, I pay you much more then you disserve.

Andrei: You mean you pay us minimum wage; that’s the same as saying that you would pay us less, if it was LEGAL.

Boss: well… no... uhhh *murmurs* bloody politicians*murmurs*

Now that our friend is free from his lousy job, he went… home to sleep.
Why? Why do I always pick such lazybones? Anyway...
On his way home, he meets his best friend Ion (Ion is like John… so… easy, right? I’ll use some other names then saints-name in the future, but these are too damn common to avoid).

Ion: Waaazzzupp?

Andrei: Nothing… having a (ad space - price: 80 gold coins)…

Ion: Heard you quit your job and you are now begging for money.

Andrei: well that’s for sure… at least the second part of it.

Ion: Yes, I also quit my job as a coal miner also. It was too dirty for me; I want to do some money laundering now, to clean my reputation. But I still have some explosives left.

Andrei: Please, can I have it… pretty please (begging dog face)

Ion: No way bro, I’m going to give it back to my supervisor at work.

Andrei: Dude, you don’t know how to have fun.

On their way to Ion’s workplace they spot something strange. A rock with a rusty mace in it and near a note:
“Who will ever take out the rusty mace 2000 out of the rock will became the leader of the most powerful nation in the word*.

P.S. Don’t use explosives

No, really… DON’T”

Andrei: What’s that * for?

Ion: Look, it’s something written down here (Ion takes a magnifying glass): “Side effects may include: sudden lost of sanity, procrastination, shedding, stupidity, imprudence and berserk”

Andrei: Oh… sounds safe enough, let me try.
(The mace comes out of the rock easily)

Ion: Hey! I wanted to go first.

Andrei: You’ll take the next object well find stuck in a rock, ok?

Ion: (a bit sad) ok; what now?

Andrei: Now we wait…

(After 4 hours)

Ion: Ok, I’m out of here.
 
Last edited:

joebthegreat

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now... I read...

and we wait...

:D

good story!
 

EvilSanta

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Nice going. I dont usually read Vicky AARs but this caught my attention.
 

peer-LAN

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter I.2: The Wagon Diaries.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


A new dawn fills the sky with an impressionistic sunrise, while the wind brings a smell of wet flowers as if it was all freshly painted by Claude Monet. Birds sing in the trees while little animals came out of there cribs, everything is tranquil and smooth, when suddenly, a loud yell is heard that scares all the critters away.
Andrei: (running after a carriage) Hey, TAXI, came back… (Takes a moment to catch his breath, then starts running again) I’m your King now... I deserve a free ride to Bucharest (Bucuresti)!

Carriage driver: Leave me a lone, you’re nuts. Take this; you’ll need it (throws in a hurry a psychiatrist discount-card, almost in the same way that someone desperate would throw some food to lose a chasing animal)

Andrei (stops and picks it up, and reads it loud, so we can also hear it): <<“The Cuckoo’s Nest Club, The place where you don’t fly alone”; address: Bucharest, on the Main Street (the only street), number 123>>. Wicked… I’ll better keep it, who knows when the mace’s side effect will hit.

He spots some more carriages and wagons coming and makes fast a hitchhiking gesticulation (it is easy to do, all you have to do is raised only the “big” finger); eventually a wagon stops.

Wagon driver: Ok, so you wanna ride? (Everyone knows that all roads lead to Bucharest; no need to ask him where he’s going)

Andrei: Thank you gracious man, I promise you that once I get installed in my bureau I’ll give you a noble title.

Wagon driver: Sure, sure, whatever… go in the trunk, it’s full here.

Andrei: But you’re alone??

Wagon driver: I have a big personal space demand, 2 meters. Now go take a place in the back, or stay here and leave me alone.

Andrei: Ok, OK… (In silence) Wacko…

Andrei: (goes and open the back door of the wagon) Holy mother of all sheeps!!!! (He saws 30 people jam-packed inside)

People inside: Uuuhhhh (everyone miserable), not another one.

Andrei climbs aboard, having just one foot inside and the other in the air; he griped hard his hands on someone’s leg from deeper inside so he would not fall out of the wagon.

Old man inside: When I was young everything was perfect… this country is wrecking more and more every year.

Someone else: How would you like a nice coup of shut the f**k up?

Old man inside: The youth of today, it will destroy this country…

Everyone else kick him out of the wagon. Now Andrei managed to get a sit.

The person next to Andrei: So, what takes you to Bucharest (Everyone knows that all roads lead to Bucharest; no need to ask him where he’s going).

Andrei: Ok, you’ll say that I’m crazy but I found this rusty mace in a stone and near it a note which sad that I’ll become king of the most powerful nation in the world.

The person next to Andrei: Cool, by the way (takes in his hand some green beans from a large bag with a tag on it (100% organic food, don’t eat junk at McDonalds)), I have some magic beans; don’t you want to buy them?

Andrei: No thank you; and another thing, a voice from the sky told me that I will become the king of Romania… (Looking proud and imagining in his head that he is king).

The person next to Andrei: Dude, are you sure you don’t to buy this magic beans?
 
Last edited:

EvilSanta

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Dont you know that all roads lead to Antofagasta? :(

Otherwise good update. :D
 

peer-LAN

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coatofarmswb8.jpg

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter I.3: Welcome the Bucharest.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The wagon stops near a sign:
“Welcome the Bucharest, the city from which you’ll never be able to leave” and below
“1. Vampires caught on streets after 11PM will be fined”
“2. Please don’t swim in the Dâmbovita River”
“3. This is not Paris”
“4. Message to the Ottoman Empire: Pretty please, don’t burn our beloved city again...”
Reading the third message, a French mime who just got down from the wagon yelled: “Sacre Blue, I took the wrong bus again”.

Andrei: (smiling) now THAT was random.

Wagon driver: Thanks for using our deluxe transport system, remember to tell your friends to travel with “Happy Goat Inc.”

Andrei: (politely responding) Sure we’ll tell them… not to!

Andrei looks at the city just like a student who sees his university for the first time.

Andrei: So this is it, the capital city of Walachia. Isn’t it a beauty?

Man passing by: No it isn’t!

Andrei: It was a rhetoric question, damn you ruined the moment.

Andrei takes his bag and starts moving. He carried with him one pound of goat cheese, a bread, half a pound of lard and the Romanian’s favorite ingredient… Garlic, we can easily say that he could feed two families of shepherds for three weeks with so much food.
Everyone was greeting him once he entered Bucharest, and smelling the love (not a very delightful smell) he started whistling a catchy tune (and no, it wasn’t the “Numa Numa” song for the love of sanity) while he was jumping like a crazy man.
More people joined him and all started singing:
“Follow the yellow-brick road, the only road in town

You're off to replace the Monarchy, the Wonderful Monarchy of Walachia“

Andrei found himself fast in front of the Royal Palace, and the group of people who were dancing with him spread out into the crowed. The main square was filled with a very loud rumble made by the thousand people in the area:
“Fresh garlic, get your fresh garlic”,
“Fire extinguisher, get your fire extinguisher; you know you’re gonna need it when the Ottomans will came next week”;
“Breaking news: Walachia won for the third time the galactic medal for gymnastics, Moldova came second”

Making his way inside the Palace, to the Conference Room, he took one more breath before opening the door saying to himself:
Andrei (speaking in his mind): This is it… I have to give 120%, “I only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow (starts moving his hands random) this opportunity comes once in a lifetime I better” do this right or… I’ll lose the bet I made with Ion that I will become king, and everyone in my village will start pointing their ("big"?) finger at me and laugh. I will not be that low…
 
Last edited:

Lord_D

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peer-LAN

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Feed-back:
@EvilSanta: Thanks for support; I'll try to keep it interesting
@joebthegreat: glad you liked the start, more will come
@Karl Martell: there will be some screenshots, be assured.
@Lord_D: We'll see more of him in the future :rolleyes:

This is my first AAR so I don’t really have any experience in writing one. But I’ll strive to write a good one. Thanks for comments, I’m glad people read what I wrote.
 

joebthegreat

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thanks for warning me that more will come...

I didn't notice with those other two updates that more HAD come until I read that... :p

great stuff... I can't wait for the complete destruction of the Ottoman Empire under Andrei's rule... :D
 

peer-LAN

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@joebthegreat:
Well, yes, I take great pleasure in pointing out the obvious :D

I’m delighted that you like it :)
 

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Andrei sounds a little nervous.
 

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coatofarmswb8.jpg

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter I.4: Look into what I got myself this time…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Andrei opens the door normally and enters inside the Conference Room.
No one noticed him, mostly because everyone in the room was either sleeping or playing board games.
Andrei: I came to take my rightfully place as the Prince of Walachia. (Points his finger at the (yet to be replace) prince of Walachia)
Nobody listen to him.
Andrei: (yells): Hellooooo??
No answer. The prince was sleeping on his throne.
Andrei stops for a moment, and then he goes out of the room closing the door behind him.
Andrei: That didn’t go too well.
He makes a few steps backwards then gathers speed and with A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick opens the door. The door makes a very loud noise as it brakes and Andrei gets his feet stuck in the door. The piece of the door that was removed by Andrei’s CN-d Rh Kick and now was flying in freely the air smacks a passing soldier in the helmet leaving him unconscious.
Everyone woke up, and looked at Andrei.
After a few seconds of struggling to get his foot out of the door, he gives up and asks a soldier to help him free himself from the door. As soon as he got both feet on the ground, he cleaned up with his hands his shoulders that were full of splinters.
Andrei: (full of confidence, speaking very loud, and again, pointing his finger at the prince) You’re finished Ghica (Alexandru II Ghica was the current prince of Walachia… I think), your reign of asskissing and assisting foreign powers for your own personal good is over.

Ghica: (grabbing fast a rope) You pathetic shepherd!!! You’ll never gonna get me alive *mad laughing, something like “MUAHAHAHAhahahahaha” but even more crazy* ( he jumps out of the window, braking the glass)
After a few seconds a loud blast is heard; Silence…

Andrei: Is he dead?

A soldier who was near the window takes a look: He survived! (After a few seconds, another loud blast is heard)… but was killed by a speeding wagon.

Andrei: Uhhh… ooook… that was easier then I would have expected.

Noble 1: Who the hack are you coming in like that? Don’t you know to knock?

Noble 3: Who will pay for that door? You killed our economy now.

Andrei: Sorry…(Andrei looks down)

Silence

Andrei: Anyway, (he rises his head) I came to take the throne of Walachia and make it the greatest power in the world.

After two minutes of silence, all of the sudden, the room exploeds in laughter.

Noble 2: (laughing hard) And how are planning to do THAT smarty-pants?

Andrei: Well, for a start I need to be Prince of Walachia.

Noble 3: What kind of idiots you take us for? Why should we pick you as a prince?
All other nobles agree.

Andrei: Well…(he takes out the rusty mace out of his pocket) I got the magic stick baby (Grins)

Everyone (amazed) : Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh... shiny

Crowd of people near the door: (cheering) Yes make him prince, Revolt, Attack the Ottomans, Vote for Andrei, Go get them.

Andrei: Who are those guys?

Noble 2: Don’t mind them, they are Greek tourists, they want us to rebel so they will get less trouble from the Ottomans.

Andrei: What are they doing here?

Noble 2: We had to open the Palace for tourist visits because we were going bankrupt; the result was an increase of the state monthly income by 70%.

Guide: (making some strange gestures to the group) Ok, now we move along to the next room where we’ll see a general attempting a military coup of the state. (The Greek tourist group moves forward)

Noble 1: Well, I say we make him our prince, Ghica is dead and he does have the magic stick…

Everyone agreed and pitched their hats in the air.

Andrei went in a hurry out at the Palace entrance, where everyone was cheering; he raised his mace and a ray of bright sun light from the sky focused on him while fireworks started exploding; thousand of gymnastic girls filled the square performing impossible moves at the same time as purple smoke came out from various places. Everyone started making a Romanian round dance around the new Prince while singing traditional Walachian anti-Ottoman songs.

Citizen talking with his friend in the square: (laughing) Kings change faster in Walachia then presidents in Germany, but at least they know how to throw a good show.
 
Last edited:

coz1

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Well, if he can figure out the insanity that surrounds him, he might be able to do something with Wallachia. ;) A humorous and interesting start.
 

peer-LAN

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter I.5: Close Encounters of the Third Kind
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After a full week of celebration, the Walachian citizens were still recovering from the hangover.
Random Drunk Citizen A: Now that was fun! I can’t wait to drink for the next king that will take the throne of Walachia next month.

Random Citizen B: Yes, I don’t know why, but I have the feeling that even the craziest man on Earth could get lucky enough to become king of Walachia.

Inside the Royal Place garden:
Andrei (contemplating life, under the shadow of a tree): Life’s good.

Soldier (running towards him): Sir Andrei, the nobles want a meeting. They didn’t saw you since the celebration started one week ago and want to know if you’re still alive.

Andrei: ok, ok, I’m coming, I’m coming… damn, can’t I have some time for myself? (Making a silly face) Andrei do this, Andrei do that, Andrei stop playing at the casino spending the royal belongings, Andrei stop putting the army to labor on the royal property…

Inside the Royal Palace Conference Room:

Noble 4: Ok, I guess he’s dead, who wants to become king now?

Other random nobles (jumping around and moving their hands fast): me, me, pick me.

Andrei enters the room

Noble 1: Look, he’s back.

The random nobles put a sad face.

Noble 4: Ok, the auction is closed, better luck next week.
*A lot of noise in the room, eventual soft profanities can be heard *

Andrei: Well, good evening lads… (And looking around at a group of nobles who were playing tag) and lasses, I’m back.

Noble 2: About time, the economy is ruined… I mean even more ruined then it was before, some of us had to sell their hair to put us back on track.

Andrei: Good, give those brave men a wooden medal. They deserve it. Now we can start the briefing, but before that let’s get to know ourselves better.

Andrei: First we’ll start with the ministers. Ok, 1, 2, 3, GO:
(A French mime starts running like crazy out of the Palace Conference Room leaving a lot of dust inside the room)
Everyone is shocked
Andrei: Holy God of Sheeps, this IS the most random thing I ever saw.

Noble 1: Was that a French mime? (Silence) …ahm, yes, so, (clearly troubled) Anyway… I’m George Bacovia (in English his name is George Bacovia)
Bacovia: And I’m the Chief of Army. I hope you liked how the army decorated the palace garden with flowers; I personally think they are lovely.

Noble 2: My name is Mircea Varzaru (in English Mircea the Cabbage Grower)
Varzaru: And I’m Economy and Finance minister. As you can notice, I don’t have too much to do around in this country. (Starts crying)

Noble 3: My name is Avram Iancu (enough already with the English translation!)
Iancu: I’ll be the Foreign minister. Our foreign policy is taken care of by the Ottoman Empire, so I’m on vacation. (Smiles)

Noble 4: Ok, and my name is Mihai Eminescu and I am the Head of Government or Prime minister or how do you want to call me, anyway, I’ll be the second in command after you. Personally I expected you to be dead by now.

Andrei: Good, any other ministers? This is all?

Eminescu: Yes sir.

Andrei: Ok, then YOU (and points at a random soldier), you will be Minister of Stuff That Is Not Covered By The Other Ministers.

Random Soldier: (Stunned) Me???

Andrei: Yes, you… what’s your name?

Random Soldier: I don’t know; I am here just as a bit part.

Andrei: I’ll call you Spike then.

Spike: (still stunned) Spike? Isn’t that a dog name?

Andrei: I don’t think so… but, anyway, who cares?

Spike: (a bit sad) well ok, you can call me Spike.

Andrei: Good, now be a darling and fetch that newspaper over there and bring it to me.

Andrei: Ok, gentlemen let the show begin (raises his hands in the air).

Silence for 10 seconds.

Andrei: Start the briefing!

Everyone: (Appreciative) AAaaaaaa…
 
Last edited:

joebthegreat

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soon the Ottoman Empire will be replaced by the Romanian empire! YES! ON TO VICTORY!!!
 

peer-LAN

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@joebthegreat: Patience young grasshopper, the road to victory is a long and treacherous one... :rolleyes:

But if there is will, there is a way... especially if you are a Walachian King :rofl:
 
Last edited:

stnylan

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I have a feeling there is going to be some more general mucking about before very much constructive gets done!