Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money - A Venezuela AAR

[Henry v. Keiper]

As you know, last time you watched me bathe in my glory I had conquered Ecuador and finally acquired a navy to sail into the Pacific. Now, my other goal is to start up the Venezuelan industry and stop being a nation of farmers. So, in selecting my next tech upgrade, I have two choices:

Deux, or...

Feux!

So which one should I choose, folks? I can either get some machine parts and start a factory, and work my way to being able to have a railroad, or I can get some hellacool rifles that will shoot through the Starcraft lunchboxes.

Duh!

Any way, it is time to set forth and conquer! What will my first target be? After some consideration, I have chosen...Brunei! They have some iron there, and it will be a good place once the nationalism dies down to launch further attacks into Asia.

Who are they trying to kid?!

My precious 4th Corps, which has experience in most of my wars, sets sail across the Pacific towards their next destination. Once they are outside of the west coast of Brunei I will declare Colonial War! Sure its dirty because technically I'm not a colony and I don't have any colonies for Brunei to attack, but that's their fault!

The plan is called "Operation I Really Really Really Hate David Schwimmer With Such An Utmost Passion and Fury" and it details a landing on the west coast. Once secured, the troops shall move into the capital city and secure it from its unlawful occupants. Silly Brunei, just because the city has the same name as your country doesn't mean you can occupy it! Once I've done that, its time to finish them off on the east coast! I shall drive them to the sea! Or ccean or streit or...whatever the hell it is.

The troops disembark...

With the west coast (REPRESENT!) secured, I move up to the capital of the enemy state. But the opponent is no match for my civilized army.

Typical natives. Bringing a spear to a gun fight.

Loser.

The Brunei show they are just a pussei.

All your base are belong to me.

Now with my new acquisition, I must construct a native contingent to keep security for the next ten years while I'm away. Once the nationalism dies down they can then be sent abroad to assist the Venezuelan army in kicking out other unlawful occupants.

Und so!

I also use some spare clippers in my stockpile to start bringing supplies from Brunei to the motherland. No wait, that's too girly...I meant fatherland.

With the new provinces secured, my exit strategy finally is complete and the 4th Corps sets sail for home.

And now for some internal news:

YAY! MACHINE PARTS I DO GET FOR THE INDUSTRY THAT TO BUILD I AM TO BE DOING!

The only problem is I could only do either a winery, a liquor distillery, or a glass factory. After some considering (and looking at the possible profit margins) I choose:

Excellent! Things are looking up! Now the next trick is to raise some craftsmen to fill this factory. That's easy enough, just buy the right supplies from the WM and find some farmers I haven't drafted.

Here's some paper son. You're ready to work in a factory.

Ah...every thing is looking great! The birth of the Venezuelan industrial sector has gone off without a hitch.

Now to continue with my research...

DANG IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I JUST WANT A FREGGIN' RAILROAD!

I mean...

Ahem, golly gee, I ever do wonder when I will be able to research experimental railroad? Oh well, it shan't be too long now.

 

[Henry v. Keiper]

Hurray an update

Liberate those Brunai...enian..errr I mean those New-Venezual...Venezialinia...LIBERATE THOSE PEOPLE

edit: where has the update went away in which you choose the economic tech over the military one and attacked Brunei???

That was a mistake, I hit "submit post" too early.

 

[Zuckergußgebäck]

Great job! Now teach those pesky south americans a lesson, they must all come under the 'benevolent' hand of Brun... Vanezuela.

 

[unmerged(17581)]

Awesomity!
Let those paper-using Venezuelans toil and sweat!
The gears of the Venezuelan economy shall be lubricated with the blood of its workers!
Er.. I mean, it will be lubricated with....lubricants, which will be produced by the workers.​

 

[Neutrino 123]

Why didn't you give the people nice desks too? They would have worked more efficiently...

 

[Shadow Reaper]

Yeah, I was wondering where the clerks are.

 

[unmerged(23487)]

Clercks are capitalist's litle brothers. And obviously the Great Comrade Keiper is trying to avoid capitalism. Heck, he built a liquor factory! Booze for the masses!



(Or then it is just me.)

 

[Henry v. Keiper]

Nerfix - Actually I usually raise craftsmen instead of clerks because they're cheaper. And I built a liquor factory because it would bring in a greater profit...although yes, you're right, it will also suit the needs of my populace. Any way, even if I were trying to appease to the proletariat, that would just make me a Conservative/Bourgeois Socialist...you know, a bourgeois for the benefit of the working class *is currently reading The Communist Manifesto*

Shadow Reaper - Clerks are for sissies. I don't want no poindexter with a visor-cap and armband.

Neutrino 123 - They'll like what I give them or I'll give them some nice BULLETS!

I am a god...

anonymous4401 - Can you say lubricant at this forum? I guess you can.

Zuckergußgebäck - And take on Peru and Brazil at the same time? How about no? Let me take on the weak Asian powers for now.

 

[Rey]

Continue the expansion of the Venezuela's overseas empire and annex Japan!

 

[coz1]

Nice work, HvK. Just don't let Stroph see that war against Brunei. He might get sad. And I agree about promoting craftsmen before clerks, but don't forget about them. They do increase profit substantially if I'm correct. And you might need some increased liquor production soon if you can't build any RRs.

Keep up the great work!

 

[Ksim3000]

LOL! Another funny update Keiper! Now you have your lil industry started..............I wonder what will happen to Venezuela? Will you conquer more nations? Perhaps Japan or Korea? Will you finish your conquests in South America, perhaps even take Mexico later? Also, will you get anymore women for "Your Venezeulean" Empire? I prefer Japanese and Korean myself, so make sure you pick some up for me.

 

[unmerged(26599)]

Go for those former opressors of your's, The spaniards... Or just take Korea...

 

[Shadow Reaper]

Shadow Reaper - Clerks are for sissies. I don't want no poindexter with a visor-cap and armband.

Then I await your fall with great anticipation!

Oh, and for your next expansion please aim for Russia!!

Viva la Venezuela!

 

[Henry v. Keiper]

Shadow Reaper - My fall? Why don't you wait for my summer, its much warmer then

keisari - I've been eyeing Spanish provinces such as Cuba or the Philipines, but they currently have a higher score than me, and I don't want to incur any wrath I might be able to avoid...

Ksim3000 - Well...then you shall like my next update. As for the women, well go conquer your own Asian nation. Korea and Japan or whatever I conquer will have all their women belong to me But I'll give you some of the leftovers...

coz1 - Huh, really? Well I'll have to look into those poindexters then. As for RR...I'm trying, I really am. But this tech tree is just dangling the fruit before my face, if you know what I mean.

El-Rey - You're giving away the next update!



As for my update, hopefully if not tonight then tomorrow. I had a CTD, but don't worry it was just a normal CTD not a corrupt save-file CTD. But update there shall be.

 

[Ksim3000]

LOL! Don't make me bring out those Kim Jong-Il pictures Keiper..............................I really don't want too but you might not give me any other choice.............

 

[billy bob]

Narrator: "LAST WEEK ON 'GUNS'..."

Daughter: *crying* "You're leaving me for your uncle?!"
Dad: "That's right. I'm tired of having sex with my daughter."

OK let's try that again...

Narrator: "LAST WEEK ON 'GUNS'..."

As you remember, I had won the war against Columbia and won some territory. Is it just me, or does Columbia seem really paranoid about that Land of Death? They've practically surrounded that one big province while leaving the actually occupied land undefended. Weird...

Columbian Soldier: "OK swamp, don't try anything!"
Swamp: "Blurb blurb."

I also started to research more up-to-date weaponry, and indeedy-do I get them:

Now...you have an army full of guys who just kicked serious butt against an enemy that was all talk and no action...and you've given them better weapons to kill that enemy with...what would you do...?

Well well well well. Seems the window of opportunity opened up here. However, there is a new predictament: Columbia is allied with Ecuador now. My greatest fear is in war Columbia slugs me in the face and then their personal mini-me runs in and bites my crotch. So I turn to Brazil, who now has a +110 diplomatic relationship with me.

Hey Brazil, wanna be buddies?

Screw you too!

So here I am. Well, you know a man walked into my office the other day. He called himself "Hurd" and he was very muscular with long-flowing blonde hair, and he was surrounded by many female admirers who stroked their soft tender hands all over his body. This Hurd fellow told me I should research railroads instead of war. You know...maybe he's right. Maybe all this bloodshed is just a waste of manpower that can be used to do important things like build poorhouses or improve the road system so that...

WHAT?!?! I JUST BEAT THEM IN A WAR!!! WHY THE FUG ARE THEY A POINT HIGHER THAN ME IN SCORE!?!? DAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! THIS MEANS WAR!

The plan is called "Operation Angela Lansbury Looks Good In a Speedo." As you can see, another three-pronged attack will be launched against the Columbian nation to the north. Meanwhile, a stronger force will launch itself from the Land of Death and attack their precious capital. In case Columbia tries to head into the Land of Death, a small defense force will be left there - this is also to defend against a possible Ecuador attack. The units have to form a perfect rectangle as shown, or this won't work.

The war starts out splendidly. The Columbian capital is under siege and the three attacks to the north are doing well. Surprisingly...Ecuador doesn't attack. In fact...they don't even move! They're soldiers are sitting in their capitals throwing spitwads at each other, or something.

In the meantime, I needs me some news artilleries:

By the way, is any one else getting deja vu...?

BWA HA HA HA! Yes, that is right Columbia...beg! Beg for mercy! Yes yes yes!

So now I got a LITTLE bit more territory. Every bit counts. At least I have some clearance from that Land of Death...oh yeah, and I'm bordering Ecuador now. Uh oh!

Incidentally, I had a revolt in one of my territories. I sent a cavalry unit against them:

Folks, that rebel unit used to be 5,000 man-strong. The cavalry tore through their numbers and didn't leave any one alive. For that, I gave them a brand new name:

These images dont work. Also youre first post dont work either.

 

[Henry v. Keiper]

These images dont work. Also youre first post dont work either.

Well thanks for posting the whole dang thing, ya boob

Any way, I guess my bandwidth ran out at photobucket. Mother frogger. Oh well, I'll just use imageshack for now (i used it for the last update)

Any way, why are you looking at the past? You must look to the present and the future!

LOL! Don't make me bring out those Kim Jong-Il pictures Keiper..............................I really don't want too but you might not give me any other choice.............

Bring it, Kimmy! Haw haw haw haw haw

*readies his caption skills learned from watching every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000*

 

[Estonianzulu]

I started reading you AAR, but I can't see the screen shots on the first page!

Oh, and I love the title, good to see another Warren Zevon fan.

 

[Henry v. Keiper]

Mother frogger, thats what I say.

I guess I'll have to change my image-host before I update.

 

[Henry v. Keiper]

OK, explanation on what to expect...

Either Photobucket will renew my bandwidth some time or I'll just open another account. Either way, the picture problem will be resolved but there's no guarantee when.

On August 2 the packers are coming to my house to box every thing up, so I will probably lose all internet connection then. I will then be moving down south in VA and it will be a while before we unpack things there.

So what I'm saying is that it will be a while before I update again...let alone probably sign on.

Does this mean that this AAR will never be finished? No, not at all.

But my true fans will have to be patient. Very very very patient.

That is all.