A Drama, in Three Parts
[Scene: a smoke-filled room at the P&W. OWAIN and advisors are discreetly coughing. MARY is chain-smoking, as usual]
MARY: Owain, your pathetic leech of a nation has given England nothing but heartburn. Give me one good reason I should not destroy Wales utterly and enjoy every. Last. Moment.
[Blows smoke into Owain's face]
OWAIN: Well, we are allies...
[OWAIN and MARY share a hearty laugh]
OWAIN: Seriously though, Wales is the best ally you have -- we'd never dare betray you.
MARY: [Level glare]
OWAIN: I mean on anything *important*. You've got to look at the big picture here. What does Ireland mean to you? Nothing.
MARY: So why do you want it then, sirrah?
OWAIN: Cultural reasons. What you need is what I'm proposing to give you.
MARY: [Suspiciously] And that would be...?
OWAIN: [Serenely] The Scottish lowlands.
MARY: [Sneers] Which are hardly yours to give.
OWAIN: Why are all England's wars with Scotland so difficult? You're fighting back and forth over the same ground, the same narrow front. They can focus their full attention on holding you off. But when the Welsh Expeditionary Force lands in Skye, that'll split their attention. We'll defeat them in detail.
MARY: And all you want in return is...
OWAIN: [Grimly] The Gàidhealtachd is mine. [1] You get the rest. We both win.
MARY: You interest me. I might just have to forgo your slow, painful execution. Perhaps we can do business.
[MARY's eyes go unfocused and start to glow purple]
MARY: And then ... then ... DALMATIA! If I crushed them a hundred times it still wouldn't be enough!
OWAIN: One issue at a time, your Majesty.
MARY: [Recovering] Excuse me ... I ... I get these dizzy spells.
OWAIN: [coughing] Perhaps it's this new 'tobacco' stuff from the New World...?
MARY: Hogwash. It really cleans out the old pipes. [Blows smoke rings]
OWAIN: All right. First we have to disrupt Scotland's alliance with France, then we move. Are we agreed?
MARY: We're not
quite done yet. There's still this business of Calais.
OWAIN: Oh, Calais. It's nothing but trouble. Why do you want it anyway?
MARY: [Sweetly] "Cultural reasons".
OWAIN: [Moving in for the kill] I agree, it would lessen tensions between us if we changed borders to match national affinities...
[Fade to ... well ... gray. All that smoke, y'know]
= = =
[Scene: The Plow & Whistle, now cleaned of smoke and Englishmen. OWAIN is slumped on the Oaken Throne, dejected.]
OWAIN: I feel sick. Did I just sell out Scotland to save my own hide?
MAC ROTH: Needs must, yer Maj. At least we got a good price for Calais though.
AP NORMAL: There's a simple solution, Sire. You are suffering from a sense of bruised ethics, yes?
OWAIN: Exactly.
AP NORMAL: Research shows that betraying England is ethically sound, and culturally appropriate.
OWAIN: [Brightens] Ap Normal, you're a genius!
AP NORMAL: Well, yes.
[Exit OWAIN, happy now. He's whistling the Welsh National Anthem, "They Will Pay and No Mistake"]
MAC ROTH: Ap Normal, are you aware that putting "research shows" in front of a phrase doesn't make it true?
AP NORMAL: No.
MAC ROTH: Sir, you are a true credit to Wales. Buy you a beer?
[Fade to black]
= = =
[Scene is a stable in Calais [2]. Two burly Leekeaters enter, dragging DE CALAIS between them]
The secret meeting place
DE CALAIS: [groans] Marie Mère de Dieu, not again!
OWAIN: No, no, it's not like that this time.
DE CALAIS: [sarcastically] What weel eet be zis time, boiling lava? A rheum full of poisonous snakes?
AP NORMAL: Yeah! Yeah! Boiling lava is cool!
OWAIN: Ap Normal...
AP NORMAL: Sorry, Sire.
OWAIN: Monsieur de Calais, we brought you here to inform you that we have given your province back to England.
DE CALAIS: [Stunned] What? Why?
OWAIN: We traded it for Leinster, in Ireland.
DE CALAIS: [Indignant] You fool! Calais is ten times better zan any pathetique scrap of grass in Ireland. Our economic base is 'alf again as large as anysing zere! And what of your remorseless battles to keep zis land? What of our epic rivalry? What of ... les poissons?
AP NORMAL: Bah. Research shows that French fish are just not as tasty.
OWAIN: Our dream is to unify the Celtic peoples, and you Calais folks just don't fit in. No offense, but you're just too ... too ... French.
[DE CALAIS boggles at zis notion of being -- 'ow you say --
too French ]
DE CALAIS: So ... why 'ave you brought me 'ere anyway? I will fight ze English weez just as much fury as against you Welshmen.
OWAIN: [Piously] Oh, and wouldn't that be a shame. The reason I brought you here was so I could give you this large bag of gold.
wrong bag, sorry
zees one!
DE CALAIS: [jaw drops open]
OWAIN: And to mention that the unguarded warehouse on 25 Rue de la Incompetensse is storing a shipment of the latest-model swords and stealth plate mail from England.
DE CALAIS: Mon Dieu! Ze scheming ... ze backstabbing ... ze callous betrayal of un ally ... I weel mees you as an enemy, Your Majesty.
GWEN: [Pokes Owain] Ahem...
OWAIN: Oh yes ... If the State of Flanders ever comes back, I understand a royal marriage could be arranged.
[GWEN blushes like a forest fire]
DE CALAIS: [Overcome with emotion] I do not know what to say ... Sire. Mam'selle Gwynedd, your bride-gift will be a Kingdom.
OWAIN: Just take care of our little Gwen, okay?
[Exeunt]
...
Mapiau Cymraeg
= = = = =
Game notes:
Had to edit save file for this. Here's what we did...
* Calais to England
* Leinster to Wales
* Moved English fleet from Leinster to Meath
* Increased England's prestige by 3
* -10 ducats for Wales (the gift to de Calais. Later, we'll do a spy function)
* +10 relationship with England
In a sense, Mary is right. We are riding England's coattails, and trying to pick up the scraps. Do note however that if we get as many provinces as they do (and currently we are beating that pace, at least in Europe) the gap in our sizes becomes smaller and smaller.
Next time:
* WILL Scotland be devoured?
* DOES this herald a new era in Welsh-English relations?
* SHALL Flanders be free again?
* WILL de Calais install train tracks in his boudoir?
Footnotes:
[1] The Gaelic-speaking regions.
[2] I was hoping for the cool noir atmosphere of the canonical underground parking lot meeting, but the technology just isn't there.
