Chapter 18: How to Get Rid of Pesky Allies
Hello everyone, and welcome back to the commune! We're almost done with these silly little European Christians, we've just got a few left to deal with.
So, without further ado, we'll start the war!
Huh, those numbers looked better on paper, but now that I take a closer look...
I didn't expect a doom stack to be made THIS early! I guess they finally realized that we're a threat!
Oh damn, we gotta get out of here, otherwise, we're FYN-ISHED!
Well, given that we have a LOT more men, both in the fields and in reserve, I'd say that this was a worthwhile loss. Sure, it MAY have cost us some WS, but we'll have more than enough, TRUST ME.
And now, in the year 1752, Sarig Yogir researched admin tech 27, looked to the other techs they could research, and said "nah, I'm good, thanks though."
All resources are now being put into war and integrations!
Bremen is the first of the Protestant Coalition to fall!
And with our new resources, we found our best killer out in the military academy!
He's also not too shabby at smashing walls!
Milan, did you think I didn't see you hiding there by Kommunist Italia? Because I saw you, no one escapes the gaze of Horse God!
After several centuries, our mines in Kuqa have finally started to run dry. But, it is no matter, we own MORE goldmines!
Plus, we make ungodly amounts of cash from trade, so making 40 less ducats a year isn't that bothersome.
Hamburg has also been annexed, had their riches fairly distributed, and then was renamed to "
@parats ," with the capital of "Paratsburg."
Here's a look at the Great Powers. When a central African nation is considered strong, let alone TWO, you know that you've got a WC in the bag!
Even against overwhelming odds, our brave communist soldiers of Horse Jesus prevail and repel the heretics!
Milan is no more, and Italy is now free from their Catholic oppressors!
And now, the only Protestants in the world are located in... the new world. But that's fine, right? They can stay there, under our rule, right?
Now, a little bit ago, we broke Pasai's status as our tributary, and now we're coming to take over the last bits of SE Asia! And our good, loyal, naive ally, the Ottomans, are willing to help! Good, SEND IN THE ENTIRE TURKISH ARMY!
I mean, it's not like we WANT you to be on the other side of the world or anything.
Now, it's time to show some bass-akwards Africans who's boss!
Our people love Horse God, and Horse God loves that they love him! Huzzah!
Leon, the only vassal of ours that wasn't animist, is no more! They were a good vassal, for some dirty heathens.
There goes another one. Getting kinda empty, what with all our neigh-bors... "moving away"
Pasai gettin' pulverized. And, not shown here, is that the Ottomans have sent ALL of their troops, and right now, they're just about in the Gobi desert. ETA, 2 years from now, making record time!
OK, it's time to become the undisputed owner of Africa!
This is so nice, all three of our neigh-bors think that we're trustworthy!
I can't believe how stupid our neigh-bors are.
Seeing as we're cleaning up all over the world, let's go after some of these pesky natives!
And now they're the right religion! Good enough for now!
Well well well, that'll be all, Africa. We'll be sending some colonists soon, to fill in the gaps.
Now, here's a look at the ledger. Man, Ottomans, you're looking kinda ragged. Just, maybe you shouldn't have been so gung-ho about trudging through the desert!
I mean, it's not like we were planning for this. We definitely want our permanent, unwavering ally to be strong for all eternity! It's not like we're looking to crush them on the battlefield.
Pasai, you were a shitty tributary, constantly refusing to give us your men for our war machine. And well, you paid the price for it.
But now, I think it's time for a little relocation. Our Supreme Comrade is kinda tired of looking at the strange skyline of Moscow, and would much prefer to be closer to the newly acquired lands in Africa.
But, there's a problem. The new capital is too vulnerable, with so many ways for enemies to enter it. We need to have a buffer state to protect it!
Oh, great, that won't do! Our Supreme Comrade says that the buffer state looks too much like a chocolate donut, and it's making him hungry! Now he's looking to relocate, otherwise he's bound to give up on his diet!
Ah, Aleut! Now THAT'S a place for a capital! Surrounded by the cruelest and most unforgiving buffer ever, the ocean! Plus, there's nothing that looks like a pastry nearby, it's PERFECT!
Well, Ottomans, your troops seem to use our lands as a highway pretty frequently, and you didn't pick up all your trash as you used it. So I'm sorry, but we're going to have to instigate a ban for the time being. I'm sure it'll come to pass, we just need you to think about what you did.
Now, we're attacking a nation I had avoided even MENTIONING before. Gazikumukh. Now, we kept them around for this EXACT reason. The Ottomans' army is all exiled in our lands, and they have many low level forts nearby. So, what are we going to do? Why, we're gonna declare and call in our "ally" as a co-belligerent!
Gotta be sneaky-cheeky when it comes to fighting the Turk!
Well, I'd say that we have a SLIGHT edge over the enemy. Just a tad bit.
I mean, it's not like we have an overwhelming amount of men waiting in reserve, either!
First blood against our "stalwart ally" ends with us CRUSHING them, when taking reinforce-ability into account.
And, I'd say we've got a good hold on the Ottomans' lands, wouldn't you?
Traveling minstrel? We don't need a new musician in our council, we have the best music around! Playing loudly as we go along with our endless invasions!
I actually listened to the 10 hour version for the majority of these last 100 years, to fully embrace the life of a communist.
As we have no more enemies in Africa OR Iberia, we no longer need a curtain to keep prying monarch's eyes from seeing our glorious nation.
OK, Ottomans, you're gonna give me all your forts AND all your islands! We'd go for 100% now, but you're being a bit stubborn, so 93% will have to do for now!
And Gazi, we don't like that you have forts. So they're ours now!
Next, it's time to re-educate some natives!
And the first step of re-education is getting rid of petty borders. How can we teach you if you're insistent on putting walls between us?
OK, TURKS, TIME FOR ROUND TWO!
Pffft, pathetic!
Gazi, get out of here, you don't have a dog in this fight!
More influences from our CNs, which now border us directly!
This is looking pretty close, but reinforcements from both sides will arrive soon! SO HOLD ON, MEN!
So much for "elite" Janissaries!
HAH! Even the Janissaries know better than to fight us! They choose to grow decadent now, to show us that they're on OUR side!
That's good. I like you, Jannisaries.
That's why I'm going to kill you last.
Second peace deal is a LOT more impressive, if you're talking solely about looks. But it's a WEE bit much for us to take in at the moment.
Welcome to the stage, Iraq! Don't mind us, we're just going to get rid of that weird moon thing, and replace it with a portrait of the only true religion's deity!
HORSE GOD SAYS HELLO!
Foreign plots?! Not on my watch! We'll just confiscate their funds, and they'll disappear, right?
Ah, yes, it has been decades since our revolution came about, and it is now time for us to create our own Commstitution!
OK JOSE, you're getting kicked out of here!
Hmmm, maybe it would have been better to just kill those troublemakers, instead of just hiding their money. Ah well, it's probably nothing serious.
I can't place why, but as a communist, I seem to have a deep hatred for the United States. Huh. Well, I guess that'll make crushing them feel all the better!
Silly Mexico, Kings can't win battles! Only SUPREME COMRADES WIN BATTLES! By not endangering themselves on the battlefield, of course.
Mexico is no longer a thorn in our side.
And we've taken care of our ARCH NEMESIS!
Another election? Why, of course we're keeping our beloved Supreme Comrade in office!
Alright folks, it's time for round three with the Ottomans! They're looking a little worse for wear right now, wouldn't you say?
Parisgon Saber, you did your duty well. And Dembiya, your stupid donut looking country forced a relocation of our central office. So good riddance, you delicious looking bastard.
Alas, our old Supreme Comrade died, but a new one took his place! Some claim that it's his son, but that's poppycock! He was definitely elected, by the PEOPLE, to lead!
I mean, as long as ONE person votes for him, that means he was elected by the people. And, according to my sources, the Supreme Comrade is a people.
Turks, buddy, just give up the ghost. You're embarrassing yourself at this point.
I mean, Gazi and I talked it over, and you need help, Ottomans. In fact, Gazi's going to give away some of your possessions, to hopefully get you to realize that you have a problem.
And, I think I'll stop there for now. The double peace out 'mechanic' sure is useful!
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!
