Chapter 2- Learning from the Books
Throwing a Tl;Dr warning out there
Duke Robert, Melderick and the Chef, who’s name turned out to be Arnold, were sitting on the floor of the kitchen. After Robert came down with a strange sickness, the two decided to take him out of the crowd, in case someone really wanted to hurt him. As it turned out, the Duke’s condition was more complex than they initially realized.
“My…. My Duke? Can you understand me?” Melderick attempted a conversation.
“Of course I understand, but why do you speak to me in such a barbaric language? Speak Greek to me!”
“Uhm, no one speaks Greek here. We’re in Italy, my Duke.” Melderick tried to explain, though he was wondering if there was any point to that.
“Italy?! What nonsense are you speaking of?! There is naught but savages in Italy!” He looked around. “Ah! Aren’t there some competent slaves around here? Acula, Marac, Patra! Come over here this instant!”
The Chef looked at both of them with bafflement.
“All right…” He started. “Give me one good reason why shouldn’t I call for the Holy Inquisition right about now.”
“It doesn’t exist yet?” Meldrick asked.
“Don’t go smart on me! There’s devil’s work going on here, I know it!”
“Calm down, Arnold. If anyone finds out the Duke’s bonkers, he’s gonna be replaced. You know what that means, right?”
Arnold sighed heavily. “Yeah, we’re going to be replaced as well…”
“Don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be looking for a new job….” He looked at Robert once again. “Wait a while. I’ve been to the crazy place a few times, I know how they determine whether you lost your mind…”
Melderick turned towards the Duke. “Okay. Duke Robert, do you know who I am?”
He looked at his servant with disdain. “You are some kind of clown who’ making fun of your Pharaoh! I’ll make sure you’ll be punished rightly when I figure out what’s going out!”
“All right, let’s try a different angle… do you know who you are?”
Duke Robert looked at Melderick as if he was the crazy one. “Are you joking?! I am Euergestes Dioninius Ptolemid, the rightful Pharaoh of Egypt….” He stopped for a while. “Or rather, I was….. Gods, I remember now….. Hey, you! Fetch me a mirror!”
“He didn’t change that much….” Melderick bemused while he went looking for a mirror. “Here you go, your Majesty.”
Robert looked at himself in the mirror. His hands felt his chin, cheeks and finally his scalp.
“Oh! That’s Horrible! Where did my hair go?....” He started sobbing. Melderick was unsure what to do, so he patted Duke Robert on the back. An awkward silence filled a room for a moment before the Duke Continued talking.
“I remember now…. I was next in line for my father’s throne, the Prince of Egypt…. But not everyone was happy with that. My uncle, the despicable man that he was, always planned to usurp my father’s throne. “ He paused for a bit. “Excuse me, but can I get some wine? It’s going to be quite a long story and my throat is getting rather dry.”
“Ah, of course.” Arnold was a bit surprised by the sudden request, but he obliged anyway.
“Thank you…. Where was I? Ah, yes, my uncle….. You see, he was an awful human, but very clever and cunning. He made fortune by brewing beer that didn’t taste like feet… something you people could use, by the way…… and that way got on the better side of the soldiers and the palace guards. Everyone, including my father, were completely convinced that he’s a harmless fool. That’s when he struck…”
He paused for a while to drink a bit of wine. “He killed my parents but devised a much more devious fate for me. He hired the best and most amoral priests to perform a ritual. They sealed my soul into this necklace, preventing me from reuniting with my family in the afterlife.” He looked around. “Judging by the surroundings, I’ve been imprisoned by quite some time too.”
“All right, sorry about your family and all, Mr. Pharaoh…” Arnold said. “But that doesn’t explain why did you get into the body of our Duke right here?”
“I did not think about that to be honest….. I guess after he received the necklace and out it on, our souls got bonded in some fashion. I don’t know much about magic of that kind, to be honest, I’ve skipped these classes to throw rocks at the temple, that one day….”
“Is it reversible?” Arnold asked.
“I don’t know. I didn’t possess him immediately after he wore the necklace, so there might be some manner of instability in the bond.”
“Great, so we now have a pompous Duke being possessed by an even more pompous Pharaoh.” Arnold summed it all up. “Is there any way to reverse this?”
“I don’t know. The Pharaoh said. “And frankly, I don’t want to right now! I haven’t got time to enjoy living since…. Well, I don’t even know.” He stood up. “Bring me some more wine. And a nice roasted pork! And….” He haven’t got the time to finish his sentence, as he was swept off his feet almost immediately. Melderick and Chef Arnold approached him.
“My… my Duke? What’s with you now?”
“Mel… de…. rick…. Bring me…. To my chambers…. Immediately….. you filthy peasant…..”
Melderick sighed with relief. “I think he’s himself now!” He glanced at Arnold. “What do we do now?”
“I dunno, I’m just a Chef! Better not to tell anyone, especially the King or the Bishop, he’ll get locked up for sure. Besides, I’m still hoping that he’s just drunk and blabbering.”
Duke Robert was taken to his chambers. The rest of the wedding went on without the host and many people preferred it that way.
18 January 869
“Oh my! My head hurts so much! Melderick, what was I doing last night?!”
Duke Robert came out of his bedroom, dressed quite clumsily and looking as if he had a head- on collision with a carriage. He noticed Melderick hanging around in the hall.
“Ah, your Majesty, what a night that was!” He then added, sounding concerned. “Don’t you remember anything?”
“After you dragged me to the kitchen, everything’s a blur. Something about a curse, Egypt…. Probably a drunken rambling, am I right?”
“You’re absolutely right, your Majesty!” Melderick preferred not to tell him the whole truth. “But I’ve spoken with…. Ah, court medicus…. and he said you might experience this kinds of attacks sometimes. He called it…..” Melderick rustled his brain really hard to acquire every bit of medical knowledge he has heard of “Trachoma! I think that’s what he called it.”
“Huh. I’ll keep that in mind. Tell me, have I said anything embarrassing during that time?”
“Ehm….” Melderick decided to change the subject.” How’s the duchess, my Lord? You haven’t mentioned her yet.”
“Ah, Gisele? I woke up next to her this morning. I can’t remember anything, but she seemed rather pleased.”
“That’s wonderful, my Liege! One more step to building up your Dynasty!”
“What dynasty? There are more important things at hand right now! At this very moment, the descendants of my Uncle are polluting Egypt with their vile rule! They need to be stopped!”
Melderick looked at the Duke with bewilderment. “What do you speak of…. Oh, it’s you again…”
“In what tone are you addressing your Lord and Master, fool?! Am I to school your bottom until you’ll roll on the floor?”
“Nah, I’d rather not, egh, your Majesty. I was just getting hopeful that this Pharaoh business was just a drunken rambling….”
“Well, too bad! I’m staying here. Though, to be honest, I don’t think that’s the best of options… Still, I’m not going anywhere until I’m crowned the true and righteous King of Egypt!”
“….that’s not going to happen.”
“What now?! My uncle is a devious person, but I am the rightful Pharaoh! The people will recognize me!”
“Ehm…. How to put it mildly…. There weren’t Pharaohs in Egypt since…. Well, ah….. It’s embarrassing, but I don’t know. You’d need to ask someone more knowledgeable than me.”
“Ah! So hard for a useful servant these days… very well, I shall procure my scribe…”
“Ah, maybe I will do that for you, your Majesty?” Melderick asked. He really did not want him to bother the scribe with his ramblings, as he might get suspicious.
“Very well. Make yourself useful.”
Melderick left, sneering at the arrogant buffoon who just happened to be his liege. He was hoping that it would be easy enough to convince the scribe that Duke Robert has a craving for historical knowledge.
He really wanted this to become a secret.
28 April 869
“In the meantime, Melderick (that was your name, right?), what can I do to increase my splendor?” Duke Robert, who was in his Pharaoh phase right now, asked Melderick for advice, never a good move to be sure.
“Well, brutal conquest is always a good option.”
“Great! Who should be my target? Egypt?”
“Whoa! Not so fast, your majesty! Let’s start with someone easier. Do you have any claims we could use?”
“Ah, claims! The Chancellor said they are in the cupboard…” He reached for a cupboard labeled “CLAIMS, DISPUTES AND PETITIONS FOR HORSE BREEDING”
“Ah, here it is! A claim on a county of Venaissin! A strong one at that!”
“Very well, my Duke. As it happens to be, the Count of Venaissin is your vassal!”
“Really? I can declare war on him then?”
“Unfortunately, no, feudal obligations and such. But you could revoke his title! You have a claim so it shouldn’t upset anyone!”
“So what are we waiting for! Revoke the county!”
“You can’t do that, your majesty…”
“What? But why?”
“Apparently, the laws of Burgundy do not allow title revocations.”
“Okay, give me one good reason to care about the laws of the country that isn’t even on this sodding map!” He said while throwing the map off the table.
“The country doesn’t exist, but the crown belongs to the ruler of East Francia. Since we de jure belong to Burnundy, we need to abide their laws.”
“Holy Ra! This is so convoluted! I’m going back to the history books.”
“All right. Have a nice reading my Duke!” He waved Robert off, content to have a few moments of peace.
The convoluted family relations of the Karlings, while merely annoying for our Pharaoh, proved to be much more deadly for minor European rulers. As the Duke of Brittany learned, while the Karlings could be bickering most of the time, they could always find the time to pick on someone weaker.
Meanwhile, as it was now certain that Duke Robert’s condition was more serious than anyone though, Melderick and Chef Arnold decided to take precautions in case things get ugly.
They decided that the best course of action would be to surround Arles with even more walls to prepare for the inevitable siege.
21 January 871
Two years after the incident, things were returning to relative normal in the castle of Arles. Duke Robert’s antics were more or less accepted by then and the threat of sudden and horrible death was staved off, at least for now.
Melderick was sitting outside the Duke’s bedroom, ready to hear more of his ramblings or do some kind of mundane task for him. To his surprise, though, the one walking out the door was not Robert, but the Duchess.
“Duchess Gisele! It’s wonderful to see you today!” Melderick wasn’t just saying that to be nice- the sight of Duchess Gisele was the best thing that happened to him that week- though, comparing to his wife, almost every woman would look like a paragon of beauty and goodness by comparison.
“Good morning to you too, Melderick. Though, shouldn’t you be with my husband right now?”
“Ah, I was looking for the Duke right now, honestly. Wasn’t he with you?”
“He left pretty early in the morning, probably to read more books.”
“Ah, I forgot that he does that now.” Unsure what to say, he decided to ask her about her opinion about Robert. “So, my Duchess, what do you think about Duke Robert?”
“Huh, that’s weird question. You’re not spying on his behalf, are you?” She looked at his suspiciously.
“Not at all! He never would give such a task to me. He doesn’t have a very high opinion of my skills.”
“Then why does he keep you around? Anyway, he seems all right. He proved himself to be a competent ruler so far. If anything, though, he might be too soft. I heard he allowed for an unsanctioned marriage between two courtiers. I would’ve never agreed for such a thigh myself.”
Melderick was silent. Gisele’s mean streak was a well known thing in the salons of Italy. He preferred not to give her more ammunition to wail on him. He had enough of it with Robert.
“Tell me one more thing, though…” The Duchess continued. “That obsession with Egypt…. Was he always like that?”
“Ah…. Uh, yes, my Lady!” Melderick opted for a quickly forged lie. “Ever since he was a child. I thought he was inspired by his late uncle, who made quite a few trips to Egypt.”
“That’s why he’s studying the history of Egypt almost every day?”
“Indeed, your highness. I’ve heard he wants to make a pilgrimage to the Holy Land and make a side trip to Egypt one day….. is that a problem, the Egypt thing?”
“*sigh* I guess not, though I would prefer if he didn’t spend his savings on ancient sarcophagi and other junk. But I guess that’s his money…”
“I suppose so, your highness. Do you require anything else from your humble servant?”
“No, Melderick. You can go back to peasanting or whatever you peasants do.”
She returned to her bedroom. The long string of whispered curses uttered by Melderick was heard by no one but him, and he intended to keep it that way.
11 April 871
“Good morning, my Melderick! Fine day, isn’t it?”
“Ah, good morning, my Pharaoh!”
He looked at him suspiciously. “How did you know that it’s me this time?”
“It has gotten easier with time- for instance, you’re not insulting me nearly as much as real Robert. Anyway, how was your day, my Liege?”
“Fantastic! I’ve received a letter from the King of Italy- he wants me to be his Chancellor!”
“Uh- oh…”
“What was that?”
“Uh, nothing….” In truth, Melderick was more than a little worried about this proposal- after all, it gave the Duke/ Pharaoh more chances to embarrass himself.
“I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to increase my standing! It is incredible what these Italians managed to do in all those years! Think about it- to build such a powerful Empire, one that would dwarf even the accomplishments of Alexander himself!”
“I see you’ve been hitting them books again, my Liege?”
“Indeed. I’ve completed it all up to the rise of the Byzantine Empire. In fact, I have only one more chapter to finish. I think it something about some Arabs…. Is it important?”
Melderick tried to avoid a straight answer. “I…. don’t really know.”
“Bah…. It’s probably not worth knowing. What impact can a bunch of nomads have on a world anyway? I have to go, Melderick. See you later!”
“Later, my Liege.”
1 May 871
“Don’t talk to me right now, Melderick. I don’t want to live.”
“What’s wrong, your Majesty?” Melderick was surprised by the sudden outburst of his liege.
“I’ve read everything about the history of Egypt. It’s gone…. It’s all gone. The legacy of my ancestors…. All that splendor….. even my hair……” He started sobbing. “Throughout the years, my home was ruled by foreigners. Persians, Romans, Greeks, these Arab guys…. Egypt is no more. It’s merely a geographical expression.”
Melderick was about to make a remark about the Ptolemids being foreigners as well, but he didn’t want to upset Robert any further- or risk a beating.
“Now, now, my Duke, it isn’t all bad, right? At least you’ve learned a lot about history.”
“It’s true….but what is it worth now?” He stopped for a minute, then his humour skyrocketed. “Wait, I know! There is one last true Egyptian- me! I bet when I get to be hailed as the Pharaoh, I can restore things!”
“That’s fine and all, my Pharaoh, but how exactly are you going to accomplish that?”
“By sailing there?” Duke Robert tried the easiest approach.
“Nice try, but the Egyptian sultan has about ten thousand troops at his command and even considering that somehow you manage to dethrone him, you will be forced out, either by the locals or the Muslim neighbors.”
“That’s bad news! Think, Melderick! I need more power! But how to accomplish that? I only have one claim that I can’t press!”
“You could always try to conquer lands outside your realm….”
“I can do that? But what about the claims? I thought I needed them.”
“Claims can be…. Arranged….”
‘Perfect! Let’s ‘arrange’ it, then!”
“I won’t stop you, my Liege!”
Duke Robert was eager to storm out of the room to find his chancellor. Melderick, meanwhile, was eager to be left alone.
The year 871 brought many changes to the land of Italy. First, a new merchant republic was bor in the city of Genoa, hoping to overcome the rule of Venice and Amalfi.
In more sad news, Pope Nicholas has passed away and was succeeded by Felix IV, one of the youngest on history.
At the beginning of 872, a new law was passed that instituted tighter feudal laws in the kingdom of Italy. While it seemed like a good idea at first, King Louis would come to regret it later, as we’ll learn.
18 August 872
“Melderick, I have succeeded! My first forg…. I mean, completely legitimate and obtained in a legal manner claim is here!”
“That’s wonderful, your Majesty. I would suggest hanging it on the wall, but I’m afraid it’s already obscured by paintings of cow dung.”
“What’s up with you today? Am I to have the guards slap you to get you to behave?”
“Oh, believe me, your Majesty, anything the guards could’ve done to me would be an improvement… It’s about my wife, you see.”
“What, she left you?”
“No, she came back.” He sighed heavily. “I thought coming back late piss drunk with two prostitutes was enough to drive her away….”
“Maybe you need to try harder, then?”
“No. I’m not going through the hell she got me through…. How’s your life, my Pharaoh? It is the Pharaoh, isn’t it?”
“I’m fine, really. I haven’t done much today, to be honest. The Chancellor was bothering me about some kind of Viking invasion in England, though. I don’t see what these savages might have to do with anything. Oh well…”
“You know, my Liege, if I could ask to sleep in the castle for a couple of days…”
“Only in the stables, though.”
“Deal”
“You know, Melderick…. I’ve been thinking…”
“Uh- oh…”
“Don’t start with me again! Anyway…. About this Egyptian idea….. I’ve been remembering the words of the curse bestowed upon me. If I’m not mistaken…. Taking my place as a rightful ruler of Egypt would release me from this prison.” He said while pointing at the necklace.
“Then you can have your revenge against your uncle?”
“Forget my uncle! Ammil devoured his heart long ago and his spawn is all but history. But I, I can make history! And if I have my way…. And by Ra I will….. The world shall see… the Return of the Pharaoh!”
“How was it, Melderick?”
“Ah, it was not bad actually. I especially liked the ending. I’ve heard about this ‘title- drop’ thing, or whatever it’s called.”
“Ah, you’re rambling again. Get out of my sight!”
“As you wish, PharaohDuke.”
11 October 873
The afternoon was quite chilly in Arles, but it didn’t discourage Duke Robert, who was in his normal self that time. He was walking down the corridor when he bumped into, who else, Melderick.
“Oh! Melderick, by God, be more careful! This coat was recently washed!”
“I’m sorry, your majesty! I’ll be going now!”
“Wait! I might get some use out of you. I swear, everyone is avoiding me for some reason. Take Leone, for example: he never stops to talk to me, always having an excuse! Preposterous!”
“Well, not everyone can manage to speak up in the presence of a duke such as you, your Highness!”
“Oh, I swear, Melderick, if you go anywhere higher up my ass, I’ll need a help of a smithy to get you out.”
“Right… Ahem, have you heard, your majesty? Some kind of rampant horde is loose in the lands of Italy!”
“What? What kind of foul heathens….”
“Well, I’ve heard they are Orthodox rebels, my liege.”
“Orthodox rebels? What business do they have in Italy?”
“I’ve heard they are rebelling from the Aghlabids in Sicily. Lacking any more land to grab, they are travelling to Africa.”
‘To Africa, by foot? Godspeed to them. Anything else happening?”
“I think you’ve received a letter, your majesty.”
“And you’re mentioning this now? Gah, Melderick, I swear you’re the worst servant ever!”
Duke Robert ran towards his office. Indeed, on the table there was a sealed envelope.
“Meklderick, have I mentioned that you may come with me? I didn’t, but you can stay here anyway…. Wait a minute, something’s not right…”
“What’s the matter, your majesty?”
“The seal is different then I remember….” He opened the envelope and read the letter. “Oh, God!”
“Is it not from the King, my Liege?”
“It is, but from a different king than I remember….”
Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.