CHAPTER XV: MANTUA
Part 1: In the Dice of Johan We Find Solace
(1645-1650)
My Aching Head
So what is it about Mantua that's so bad?
Well, let me draw you a picture.
Okay, you're thinking. We're a one province minor who happens to be under siege. This can't be good. It's like one of those classic movies when some little guy takes several punches at someone much bigger than him (usually the bad guy), who just looks at him funny.
But wait, it gets better.
Yes, we are in TWO wars! War # 1 is with UberAustria and the Emperor! As you can see on the bottom, we lost a good part of our army fighting them in Brescia. We lost the rest fighting the Pope: You know, the guy who almost united Northern Italy before Tuscany slapped them down back when we were with Hungary?
Forget classic movies. This is like an anime show I saw over the weekend. Two heroes use every anime superpowered trick they can think of to destroy the monster in a firestorm. When the smoke clears, the monster thanks them. "I didn't know how I was going to get that crick out of my neck."
THAT is Mantua. We are going to lose. If we don't get annexed, we are going to get humiliated. We have zero army, zero navy, the only country that likes us enough to ally is getting dragged in the mud by Austria, and we don't even have our merchants in the right place. Crimea? REALLY?
Well, first thing's first: Recall the merchant from Crimea. I try to put him in Alexandria, but for some reason it doesn't take so he winds up in Krakow, along with Alexandria, Ragusa and Wien all feeding into Venice where I pick up what trade I can.
Did I mention Venice has us embargoed? No? Well, let's take a look at that:
Those modifiers are after taking Suffragan Bishops and the Witchcraft Act, two decisions I would normally avoid. Why did I take them this time? The AI took six religious decisions: What's two more?
Apparently when we're not fighting the Pope or the Emperor, we took some time off to torque off Bohemia and Anhalt. I started by sending diplomats to improve relations with Tuscany and Venice, but the latter especially looks like a futile endeavor.
Did I mention we have five loans out?
The Pope Is a ****
Almost immediately Siena abandons their siege, which is very nice of them but the Pope moves in days later with 12,000 men. Nice.
We're going to act like the Pope and Austria are both going to get bored and settle for forceconverting us to Catholic and maybe raiding our treasury. This means planning for the post-war era, which means planning on not being a OPM. The obvious target is Modena, who hates us anyway. Naturally, the Emperor is going to be upset if we start annexing Imperial members, but he hates me too so no problem there. We don't want him actually moving his squat mass from the throne however, so we need what in diplomatic parlance is called an 'excuse.' We begin forging a claim.
In April Portugal cancels their MA through Mantua: Only God knows what they wanted it in the first place. Then, in October 1645, with the war score at 56% in their favor, Austria peaces out with Augburg for a concession of defeat.
Uhm...okay...
The same can't be said for the Pope, who imposes terms in May 1646:
You know, if I thought the Pope was going to steal our treasury I would have just paid off our loans with that money. No, I figured he'd settle for forceconverting us and we could begin rebuilding our army. Grr.
So June rolls around, and we still have no army (thanks to the Pope) but we DO have a CB against Modena! This annoys Savoy, who cancels their MA. It scares the Pope, who WARNS us.
Look, Mitre-head. You already won. You stole our money. Now you want to stop us from doing anything? We had enough warnings back when we were with Luxembourg. Plus, you really think I'm worried about protecting an OP Major Headache? Get stuffed. I hope the Tuscan Protestants burn your city to the ground.
Grr.
Well, Pope or not we have a war to prepare for. We Improve some Government Tech in December (+50 Admin, +0.5 inflation) which almost directly leads to Admin-19 (Grand Monument). As we're puzzling out where to put this monument, Modena declares war on us.
Go ahead and read that again. The order of words is important. I can wait. Yes, that's correct:
MODENA declared war on
US.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So there's our situation in January 1647: We have 2K infantry and are about half way to our third. Modena has 3K. Perhaps this made sense for the AI as at that point in time I hadn't assigned a leader: Theirs, one Cesare Mitelli is F1/S1/M1/Sg2. Not bad.
Ours, Bonifacio Idoni, is F3/S4/M2/Sg1.
There's one other question you should be asking at this juncture: Venice joined in, which is neither here nor there, so...what the heck happened to the Venetian fleet!?!?
Modena immediately begins building their 4th regiment, but not before we build our third. Our armies are evenly matched now, and I don't want to get into an arms race with these people, especially since our leader is far superior. In March we invade Modena.
Their army has nowhere to retreat and disbands. End of war.
We continue building up though, first to get our army back to full strength and second in case Venice figures out how to interfere. By the end of 1647 we're at 4 infantry/1 cavalry/1 artillery, and complete our mission to build up our army. Next? Duh. Take Modena!
Our warmongering self defense really scares Mitre-head, who we discover forging a claim on Mantua. It does him no good however, as in April Modena falls! You know what happens next.
In your face, Mitre-head!
Cruising for Targets
We are now a TPM! This makes it twice as hard to kill us: Whether that's a good thing or not I'll leave to your discretion.
So, what's on the agenda?
1. Begin coring Modena.
2. Tell the Emperor where to stuff his crown when he demands we give up Modena.
3. Begin fabricating a claim on Siena, because they're an OPM.
4. Take a mission to placate Savoy. Fail due to the 'unlawful territory' relations penalty.
5. Stop to get something to eat. Ravioli with meat. A little salty, but yum.
Hm, I'm forgetting something. Well, Modena is actually in Genoa's trade zone, and neither Spain nor Savoy have embargoed me, so we move merchants to Genoa and Tunis from Krakow and Constantinople.
Our warmongering ways frighten the old guard who thought just hanging out in our castle was a bright idea. Time to prove them wrong:
This raises our force limit to nine (5 inf/2 cav/2 art), which is almost on par with Milan (11) and Mitre-head (13). We finish forging our claim on Siena, but Mitre-Head is Siena's ally. It'd be nice if he was distracted before we go after Siena.
As I watch 1648 turn into 1649, waiting for the Pope to get into some pointless war, I still feel like I'm forgetting something important...
Oh!
6. Stop the cat from trying to eat my ravioli.
7. Chase the cat from the room.
8. Get warned by Savoy for chasing the cat. They don't border Siena though, so who cares.
1649 passes quietly waiting for Mitre-Head to do something dumb. It doesn't happen. We do get MA through Tuscany however, so when he does, Siena will be ours.
Still, not bad for what we began with:
Right, Johan?
Johan's Dice
Reign: 5 years
Roll Needed: 2+
Roll: 4
Continue: Yes
Right.