CHAPTER XIII: HUNGARY
Part 1: Standing at the Crossroads
(1625-1630)
Introduction
We seem to be going through alot of intros the last few weeks. Well, the doctors said I needed a nice vacation. Go ahead and settle in while I read the intro.
Welcome to Hungary! Speaking of which, I'm going to get a snack before we go any further.
Ah, that's better.
Hungary's in a bit of a spot as we start. Our king, Lajos II, has the potential to be great as does his son. We do have an annoying tech cost malus...
A small price to pay for peace and tranquility.
That's my doc. Don't mind him. Our National Taxes will go up 10%, and our Revolt Risk +1 in about a year as the effects of decentralization wear off.
Our relations should be no real surprise: Our neighbors are, at best, wary of us. For some reason we don't like Lithuania enough to rival them and try to buddy up with Russia: The latter will do no harm, and might do some good if the Ottos ever come knocking. We have a CB versus most of our neighbors, and the list of countries we give military access to is... impressive.
It's called being a good neighbor.
It's called... Never mind.
Notice our techs (13/14/14). Those are..quite bad actually. I know this because they're on par with Oman, and we saw what a mess that was.
You should try not to think about that.
Grr.. By comparison, Austria is 17/18/17, Bohemia 14/18/18, Poland 16/15/15 and the Ottos 16/15/18. What's going on here? It can't be that 5% malus from the Counter Reformation, can it? Have we been at war that much? Is that why we have five loans?
Actually some of your creditors followed you from...
Oh be quiet.
While I'm puzzling this out, let's switch our rivals around: There's no reason to be antagonizing Savoy, and Lithuania's just insane. Instead, let's... Why can't I switch rivals? Why do I have -10 Dip Power? My God, what's wrong with my monarch power??
Stay calm...
Why do we have -76 Admin, -10 Dip and 0 Military power? Here, hold my snack. I need to dig around.
But, I...
Found it!
I guess we're going to see what westernization looks like after all. Good thing it's almost done: With Stability -1 and reactionaries everywhere, all our provinces have a 7.1% chance of rebelling.
So, what else do we have here? Our merchants aren't idea: Gulf of Aden(??), Alexandria, Wien, and Ragusa transferring power and collecting in Venice. Instead we'll collect in Venice, Ragusa AND Wien, and transfer from Alexandria and Constantinople.
Sorry Ottos; Istanbul. You know we love you despite being heathen bastards, right?
Lastly, let's look for targets.
But...
The Ottomans (204K army, 83K manpower) are right out. Bohemia (6K/0K) looks promising, but of course they're part of the Empire. Austria, the emperor (16/17) is at peace. Poland (30/1) and Bosnia (12/0) are allied...not good. Until you realize they are at war with the Ottos, Spain, Lithuania, Orleans, Portugal, Netherlands, Gelre, Portugese Brazil (colony), Caraibas (ditto), Dutch West Indies (ditto) and the Horsehead Nebula. Poland's also fighting Ulm, while Bosnia gets to add Tuscany, Modena and Milan. The last part is because the Papacy has scared enough peeps to get a punitive war called against it.
Bosnia it is! But not yet. First we have to find that 12K Bosnian army (it turns out they're sieging Spain in Zeta), and hopefully get Poland to realize that backing their Bosnian buddy is a real bad idea.
So is going to war! You should be resting!
Doc, if it bothers you this much, you could always start your own AAR! I didn't think so. Where was I?
Our navy consists of 8 ships, which is fine for our purposes. Our army is at 10 regiments and can support 20. Let's build 4 infantry and a cavalry: I'm prepared to let those loans go for awhile. It's far more important that we have enough men to deal with any rebels until westernization hits and to avoid looking like an easy target before we're ready to fight.
Getting Ready
In January we get fantastic news! One of our scions will rise to the throne of Burgundy!
Wait, what do you mean this won't be a personal union? Then why do we care? Don't bother us with such nonsense!
Speaking of nonsense, before January's out some reactionaries rebel in Samogy. Their plan? Stop westernization at all costs! Our plan? Send 10K men over to crush their 8. Simple enough.
Still, it'd be nice to have an ally in case the Ottos or Poland come calling. Spain actually likes us, but they don't want to ally at this time: Something to do with us being weak and frail. We guarantee them anyway, which makes their ambassador laugh. Then we start kissing up to the court (Improved Relations.)
Through the summer of 1625 things continue more or less smoothly: Watch first Bosnia, then Poland get mauled. Send Valentines to Spain. Wait for Westernization to tick down. An event-rebellion breaks out in Marmaros over the correct spelling of their province, and we put that down too. Then in October our government officials let us know what they think of westernization:
Oh no, we're at -100 Admin power! What will I do? You know what? You didn't resign, you were fired! No, you don't get to clean out your desks! We'll mail your stuff to you! With our westernized mail service! You hear that? Westernized! Hahahaha!
Time for your medicine, Cat.
Damn it. Fine.
Actually this event does hurt a little: My Admin has to rise back to 0 before it starts contributing to our westernization again. In the end it's a wash, because in May 1526:
Modestly better units. Perhaps more importantly, there are alot more western units at different tech levels than eastern. Lastly, with a little care we should begin catching our neighbors.
Let's celebrate! Bosnia's completely occupied, though their 12K army is still out there. Poland's down to 2K/6K, and at -12 warscore with the Ottos, -25 versus Spain, and -5 Ulm.
No!
Cry havoc, and unleash the cats of war!
Best EUIV Screenie Ever!
We declare war on May 1st, knowing it'll take a month or two for our army to regain morale after switching units. Poland decides it's had enough and dishonors their alliance. In July the Ottomans annihilate the Bosnian army, so we move in and siege/sit on all of Bosnia's provinces. Our plan is to wait for the Ottos and Spanish to take what they want, then we can start sieging the scraps instantly before the Bosnians can rebuild their army.
The nobility entirely supports our plan and offers to buy several church positions to help fund the war. Sure, why not! This gives us 94 gold, which we turn into 1 infantry, 2 cavalry and 2 artillery to bring our total army up to 10/5/5.
Through the latter half of 1626 we continue sitting on mostly occupied provinces. By January 1627, the Polish situation is even more hopeless.
Haha! I feel a disturbance in the Force, like a million Teutonic Knights crying for revenge!
You must stay calm!
In February 1627 the Spaniards decide they like our parasitic habit of feasting on completely occupied nations and we ally! Not only does this make Hungary a much safer place to live, but gives us access to all sorts of Spanish delicacies like tacos and burritos!
What do you mean they're Mexican, not Spanish? Well, no one's perfect.
We do succeed in spreading Hungarian culture to two provinces. As you can imagine this 'war' isn't really costing us more than some attrition, so by the end of the turn we'll also pay off four of our five loans. See doc? No worries.
But...
March 1627 sees Zeta reconquered by Spain. Somehow we wind up in charge of the siege at Kosovo and take it later that month. This convinces the Bosnians to sue for peace, with Spain gracefully accepts. We begin sieging the two provinces Spain occupied the next day. It's like two good friends sharing a car: "I'm done. Here, borrow my keys."
In October, Poland falls.
Mwahahahahahaha!
Okay, not really. Multiple wars means the enemy AIs don't necessarily have the warscore to impose the terms they want. Suffice to say Polish resistance is at an end. It's all over now except for the lamentations of Bosnian sheep.
The Ottos peace out in November, taking Roska from Bosnia and 118 gold from the Poles. This time Spain borrows the Ottos' car and sieges southern Poland before they can rebuild. Works for me!
Indeed, things are getting almost boring until January 1628 when our merchants whine that they're not doing well.
We have 70 Dip Power - nowhere near enough to tech up, so I could care less. In fact, let's celebrate their misery by spending Admin to raise our Stability to 0 for the first time all turn! It turns out to be a sign of things to come though, as the Ottos expel our merchants from Ragusa in July 1628. We decide to placate them for +25 relations and -5 trading power for a year. Poor merchants. Why don't you go trade in Poland and see how you do?
Through the rest of the year provinces surrender across Bosnia, and in December we occupy the entire country. Unfortunately we don't have enough Dip power anymore for what we want, so we don't peace out. In July 1629 a pretender sees this as a lack of resolve on our part and rises up, so we send the army to Kosovo to convince him otherwise.
Finally, in November 1629 our diplomats find someone with the authority to properly surrender.
....
This is dangerous: The Ottos have claims on all these provinces through 1643. Hopefully we can keep the peace. We begin coring the three border provinces. We have no land border with Kosovo and CAN'T core them. I try selling it to Spain, but Spain's still at war. Next on the list is the Ottos: Hey, they want Kosovo anyway. How hard can it be? Well, the conversation went something like this.
Hungary: So...about Kosovo. I see you've claimed it.
Ottomans: Kosovo is ours by right! We will fight and bleed and die to take it!
H: Look, I really don't want it. I'll sell it to you for 0. It's yours.
O: I don't think so, Hungarian pig dog!
(+15 price, +10 neighbor, -20 wrong culture, -20 wrong religion = -15)
H: But...you want it.
O: We shall take it!
H: I'm trying to give it to you. No strings attached. Really, here. It's okay.
O: I don't think so!
I spend the next two months watching them nervously, but at -30 relations they're only mildly annoyed with our presence. Then, the Spanish war ends and I get the prettiest sight all game.
I...I....
Cat, are you okay?
Bwaahahhahahahahah! Welcome back, Teuton buddies!
Cat...
Needless to say Poland's done. I don't see them holding Moldavia (the province south of Ukraine) against Dracula's teeming vampiric hordes! The whole war was over Spain starting a PU with Lithuania, which is really bad from a balance standpoint but also means no more dreams of Commonwealth. They can't go west: Empire. They could try to take Teuton territory back, but I imagine Spain will protect them.
Where are your white chickens now, Poland? Huh? Where are your Winged Hussars? Where is your grand union?
Cat!
You were right, doc! This place is great! What next? I moved my army to the eastern frontier. Should we go finish off Poland while they're down? Maybe we should hold tight for a turn, consolidate Bosnia and take care of a few more wrong culture provinces? Hey, let's...
Johan's Dice
Reign: 5 years
Roll Needed: 2+
Roll: 1
Continue: No
.....
WHAT?
What do you mean 'No?'
You're turning red.
Listen, Johan! 5 years here, 10 years there, 5 years here. Make up your mind!
No, not the monitor!
I'm the emir! Do you hear me, Johan? I'm the emir! I'm the.... *slumps* Oooh, birdies! *crash*
*puts away his sedative*
Now then. Perhaps somewhere even quieter?
*************
COMMENT: This is the first die roll I seriously considered ignoring. If a different nation was chosen, I might have, but we might as well see what a young colonial nation looks like.
