CHAPTER VII: LUXEMBOURG
Part 1: Let's Make This Fast
(1555-1560)
Welcome to the Speed Bump
Luxembourg! Why, just thinking about it brings visions of...uhm...grand dukes! And..uhm..Benelux! And..uhm...being really, really small! Well sure, they're small but they're survivors! Ever since the Treaty of London in 1839, only one country has had the gall to invade. Germany. Twice. And we see how well that turned out for them.
In this world, Luxembourg is safely nestled almost within Burgundian territory along with Liege and Aachen. The Burgundians are our buddies. They don't want us to lose any of our men fighting wars. In fact, they kinda insist.
OK, as you can see our situation is actually pretty meh. The AI has actually done a good job with Luxembourg. Between Imperial Integrity, Scales/Weights/Measures, Dissolution of the Monasteries, the Importation Act and the Popery Act, we actually have some decent modifiers.
Our ruler, Sigmund, is a military god. His son is pretty average, but we shouldn't have to rely on him for awhile yet. We have 4 regiments (3 Inf/1 Cav) out of 5 max and with levels of 12/11/12 are well in the tech race.
Diplomacy...that's where things get bad. Ignore the enemies and rivals: About 5 years ago we went up against the fricking emperor, and unlike Savoy we can't get away with that here. We have a CB versus Aachen, but Burgundy's warned us against going to war.
We're not in the race for Emperor - no surprise there. What is a bit of a surprise is that my relations with my neighbors, even with diplomats working overtime even before we came to Luxembourg, maxes out at around +30-40. Why? Because we're Reformed. In fact, I'm pretty sure Luxembourg is the only reformed country on the planet.
I don't get the hint right away, so pass the Uniformity, Conventicle and Test Acts, good for another +3% missionary strength, and -2 tolerance of all heretics - IE our Catholic and Protestant neighbors. We actually hate them worse than the Mohammedians. I momentarily hold out hope Burgundy will realize a human is in town and put us out of our misery. No such luck.
Our merchant situation is...strange. We have five: Novgorod, Baltic Sea, Lubeck, Genoa and Bordeaux. Our home node is Antwerpen, so I'm not sure what our merchants think they're doing. New plan: Steer trade through Lubeck, Genoa, Frankfurt and London, which all feeds into Antwerpen where we collect.
I also build an artillery to bring our army up to full.
Missions for Fun and Profit
Plan A is to get Burgundy to leave us alone so we can rampage somewhere like Liege or Aachen. I take the mission to forge a royal marriage with Savoy. Over the next few months a diplomat raises our relations as far as possible: Not quite enough. So I guarantee Savoy's independence, which is frankly pretty laughable. They appreciate the gesture though, and agree to the RM resulting in +5 prestige and +25 Diplomacy points.
Our next mission is to build a Star Fort (Fort-3) on our 'threatened border'. This requires 73 gold, and we have 28 so diplomats make the rounds while we quietly build our treasury.
Elsewhere, Palatinate, Liege and friends decide to have a chat with Wurtemburg, Aachen and Magdeburg. I fully expected Aachen to be destroyed. Instead, Ulm gets torn to pieces.
It's about now I notice that Burgundy's warning expires on December 23, 1555. Perfect! Fast-forwarding to that moment, I take a look around. Savoy won't ally with us. Burgundy actually doesn't hate me, but won't either. Palatinate, Wurtemburg, Mainz - hm. Even if we get Burgundy to stay out of it, both Liege and Aachen have allies. I really don't want to do this alone. While I'm blundering about looking for a suitable big brother, the clock turns to January 5, 1556.
"You have been warned by Burgundy."
...
...
Alright then. Oh, and look, the warning doesn't run out until 1576. This is going to be a fun turn.
Well, I'm still up for some fun. We guarantee Liege and Aachen, hoping someone will start a war and we can pile in. Tuscany's up for some fun also, as they singlehandedly declare war on Spain and its particular friends the Papacy, Bosnia, Hungary, Switzerland, Brittany, Mantua, Savoy, Trier, Portugal, the Horsehead Nebula and the English Arsenal F.C. In fact, this angers England so much that they turn into Great Britain.
My new plan is to diplo-spam Palatinate, get our relations up, then I think I can get them to ally with me. While I do that, Armagnac tries to bail out their Tuscan buddies, and gets chased out of the war almost instantly. Mali also white peaces with Spain and Portugal, proving lions with rocket launchers trump tercio infantry.
In August 1556 we hit Military-13 (Trunnions), and like with Savoy we instantly trade in our culverin for a chambered demi-cannon, in case we actually get into a fight some day.
Then two events happened that forever changed the game.
Not Really
In October 1556 we figured that since Luxembourg wasn't doing anything anyway, we might as well improve the capital.
Almost any other time I'd take the other option and lose 3.48 gold, but really - I don't think we're going to have manpower issues any time soon.
Then in March 1557:
Which would help if Trier wasn't Savoy's vassal.
As 1558 dawns, we finally convince the Palatinate that we'd make great allies. Unfortunately they can't convince us! We're at -112 relations with them!
You know, this stopped being funny in our Lan Xang days. What do you mean we don't WANT to ally? Do we really want to just sit here nice and peaceful in perfect harmony while the rest of Europe has fun and tears each other to pieces?
FINE. I'll find another ally! That's when I realize that even though everyone sorta tolerate us, we don't like ANYONE. Do you know why? Well, a big part of it is we're the only reformed country on the planet and we hate Catholics, Protestants and Orthodox not to mention Polandball, lolcats and rainbows!
Side note: I remember reading somewhere that, at the current rate of growth, by 2025 over half of the Internet will consist of cat photos with captions. Discuss.
While you're working on that, later in 1558 we hit both Admin-13 (Improved Drainage) and take Diplomatic Ideas-1 (Foreign Embassies) for +1 Diplomat. Take that together with Trade Ideas-7 and Defense Ideas-7, and that's enough to get Luxembourg Idea-5 (Peasant Levy, +5% Manpower)
In April we finally finish our Star Fort, and our mission for +5 Army Tradition. Our next? Protect against Aachen, who has 7 regiments to our 5. Two regiments and three months later we get +5 more Army Tradition.
And nothing to spend it on.
By now I've decided: We can't remain Reformed. Burgundy's Catholic, Liege is Catholic, Aachen is Protestant. We need to boost relations further if we're going to get any allies, hopefully get Burgundy to back off and perhaps do something while we're here besides grind our teeth.
Problem: That'll cost me 3 stability, and I don't quite have enough Admin points to eat that. (Sitting at -3 stab sounds like a real bad idea.) So, we'll sit just a little longer and build that up.
Oooh, Burgundy's not happy with us. They want to expel our merchant from Antwerpen. We could tell him to stay and annoy Burgundy further, or ask him to keep a low profile: +25 relations, and only one year of reduced merchant power. I still have hopes of getting Burgundy to call off their warning, or at least liking me enough not to bother enforcing it, so it's worth it.
1559 passes quietly. Our three diplomats sit in the capitals of Wurtemburg, Mainz and Munster convincing them I'm not so bad. Our admin points continue to build, and if we're still here next turn it'll be time to rejoin the Catholic fold. Oh, and Poland decided to have it out with half of Europe.
When I first saw the log, I thought Poland was about to get its comeuppance. They attacked Lithuania, who brought in their friends Austria, Ansbach and Genoa. Good. I have a grudge against Poland from all my Teuton games. Then Poland, I imagine, issues several calls to arm because in rolls Russia! (not Muscowy, Russia) as well as Venice and Sweden.
It is now January 1560, and we're still unraveling the mystery of Luxembourg and whether we can actually do anything with it. After the fun we had with the Mughals and Savoy, I wouldn't mind heading for greener pastures.
Johan's Dice
Reign: 5 years
Roll: 6
Needed: 2+
Continue?: Yes
Sigh.
