Radio HANSE

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After my previous and first AAR, I have become hooked. So, with your permission, may I present: Radio HANSE, a lighthearted, modern news channel look at renaissance Europe, played from the perspective of the Hanseatic league.

I was using EU I with IGC 2.2 installed, all options turned off but "Super Hansa" (Hey, give me break! Pomeranian's tough.)

Difficulty:Normal
A.I. aggressiveness: weakling
game speed: varied. My favorite settings are 1 minute, 2 months and 1 minute, 8 months.
Fog of War: off
Game events: Random and Historical
Forced annexation: on
Dynamic missions: off
Base victory points: on

News Flash, 1492: Hansetag council met yesterday to discuss the inauguration of a new prime minister. Action was taken to increase the fortification of Eastern Pomerania, Holstein and Mecklenburg, as well as the expansion of the navy from 10 to 15 vessels. A new alliance was formed with Poland-Lithuania.

News Flash, 1494: War was declared yesterday by the Polish government against the Teutonic order. Prussia is supporting her Teuton allies. Says Hanse prime minister Jorgenson "We will support our Polish allies, no matter what the cost." The mayor of Mecklenburg, in response to this declaration, has ordered work on the city walls (Random event increased from Small to Medium).

News Flash, 1496: The Teutonic Order has been annexed by Poland! Polish general Czerkawski pleads no comment. In other news today; The Prussian government signed a peace treaty today, granting 250 ducats in war reparations to Poland. 50 of those were signed over to the Hanse. Says Hansetag minister of war Gerhit "We will probably use the money to complete work on two additional warships." The Hanse has finished a deal with England, Venice, France, and Russia which would greatly expand geographical knowledge of non-European regions. (I traded maps with practically every country I knew of)

New Flash, 1504: Scandinavia at War! In breaking new today, Denmark is now at war with former vassal Sweden. English monarch Henry VII "We stand firm in aiding our long time friend and ally, Denmark". Naples and Portugal have made similar commitments. Hanse military is bigger, and better then ever before says minister Gerhit "We have over 20 pieces of land artillery, 13 regiments of infantry, 6 of cavalry and 18 warships!" In other news today, the alliance between Poland and the Hanse has expired. Sources believe a new pact has been forged with Russia, Ryzan, Pskov, Persia and the Hanse.

 

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nice choice, Celt, this Hanse, and radio news flash are original too

 

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News flash, 1511: The Colonialist party of the Hansetag released news today that a new colony has been founded near the Chesepeake river of the New World. "This is what we've always hoped for," says representative Van Sturm. "A thriving, prosperous Hanseatic League with colonies in America." Also in the news today, Hanse officials reported a change of alliance from Russia to Poland. "The Russians tried to draw us into a war with Brandenburg and Sweden, which we never could have won."

Brought to you in part by;

Van Sturm's Lateen sails. "When you need to sail to the new world, don't trust those bargain basement sails. Your vessel deserves the best. It deserves Van Sturm's Lateen sails!"

Fugger and Sons "When you need to get out of debt, and consolidate your bills, consider a loan of pure German silver from Fugger and Sons. Serving Germany since 1389."

News flash, 1521: Hansetag representatives took the plunge today in joining our Lutheran brothers in Hesse, Wurtumberg, and Thuringia, by signing the Declaration of Protestanism. The Hanseatic League is now a protestant state! In other news today; A new Center of Trade has opened in the Chesepeake colony of New Mecklenburg, 19000 men died in Mecklenburg as a result of a unknown virus (OOC: Random event.)

News flash, 1544: New Mecklenburg was announced a city today, with over 1100 happy inhabitants. Also, trading posts were established in Fundy and Micmac.

News flash, 1545: Trading post in Fundy was burned to the ground by angry savages! Hanse troops called in.

News flash, 1574: Belle Isle, Chesepeake, Micmac, and Fundy all contain fortified cities.

 

[Morlac]

Words of Encouragement

Celt

I am loving Radio HANSE. It's light-hearted, quick, and wonderfully anachronistic (everything my own AAR is not! I think you got to 1573 in the same number of lines that I got to 1493 )

Since there don't seem to be many of us around the forum, I think it's important to let people know that their work is being read and appreciated -- thanks for the entertainment!

Morlac

 

[Carolus Rex]

Wow, this is a new way of writing, very nice.

 

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(Thanks for all the encouragement, guys! This post will be a little barren, as I didn't play much yesterday, but more to come!)

News flash, 1575: Hansetag minister of religion says "Muslims and other heathens beware! Catholics, reformists and other brother Christians, we accept. But those who join us in the true faith of Luther we hold dear to our hearts." (OOC: adjusted tolerance slides) Breaking news; Colony established in Delaware. Franco-Papal-Savoy alliance declared war on Danish-Hanse-Russian pact! Battle for the Baltic! 15 Danish, 16 Hanse vessels fight off and destroy 26 French warships. French raiders off the coast of Micmac, Chesapeake, and Fundy! Hanse vessels capture French charts from enemy vessel off the coast of Greenland!

News flash, 1581: Treaty of Jutland signed. Hanse signs over Micmac to France, Denmark gains several Caribbean colonies from France.

Brought to you in part by;

Colon's Cologne from Cologne ™. "For the active Conquistador, it can be difficult to keep smelling sweet. Let's face it, we don't have time to keep reapplying cologne. So try Cristobal Colon's Cologne from Cologne ™. Made from real beaver musk, this cologne will stay with you for years!"

 

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Great AAR, no one has done anything like this before.

 

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News flash, 1587: A fort was completed in Belle Isle today. Says Hansetag minister of defense, “Belle Isle is really useless militarily, but we had the extra cash, and figured, what the hell?”

News flash , 1589: A city was finished in Delaware today. In foreign news, the rebels in England have taken the motto “Life, liberty, and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie!”

News flash, 1592: A colony was established in Manhattan today.

News flash, 1604: A city was completed in Manhattan today. Also, a war started between Poland on one side and Russia, Moldavia and the Hanseatic league on the other.

News flash, 1610: 10000 men died of a mysterious illness in Mecklenburg. Says minister of defense “It was probably shame from having to pay 30 ducats to Poland.” In financial news; For some strange reason, 100 ducats showed up in the treasury. Stock in Van Sturm’s Lateen sails (VSLS) is up 20 points.

News flash, 1611: a trade post was finished in Catawaba today. Says Hansetag minister of colonies, trading posts, and killing Indians “I can’t pronounce it, but it’s supposed to have tobacco, so that’s something in it’s favor, eh?” Again, money showed up in the treasury, this time 634 ducats. Says Senator Marco “I think it’s aliens!”

News flash, 1616: Colonies were founded in Gasesspie and Massachusetts today. Says minister of colonies Oofta “we’re running out of s’s for the colony map”

News flash, 1622: A civil war struck Spain. Also, the Hanse fought Turkey alongside Russia. Yet another 500 ducats showed up in the treasury (No, I’m not cheating. These are random events!).

 

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Even apart from random events, it sounds like you have a great cash flow. How do you do it?

 

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(I have monopolies in Mecklenburg, Ishafan, and Chesepeake. That helps cash considerbly.)

News flash, 1624: The Hansetag signed a royal marriage with Bohemia today. Since the Hanse has no king, everyone was very interested in how we could have a royal marriage! In breaking news; Trade posts were established in Kentucky, Applachia, Erie and Hindua. Says colonial minister Oofta "Were is that, exactly?". A war was fought between France, Naples, the Knights, and Venice vs. England and Prussia. Says minister of defense Gil-galad "As long as their fighting each other, they can't be up to any mischief."

News flash, 1629: Van Sturm's Lateen sails union (VSLSU) is on strike. "Fewer sails, higher wages!" In defense news today, Russia, Denmark, the Mamelukes, and the Hanse are involved in a war vs. Turkey, the Golden Horde, and Poland. Hanse ships engage Turkish raiders off the coast of Fundy. Turkish landings in Holstein!

News flash, 1640: Treaty signed with Turkey, Poland and Golden Horde. Colony established in Fox. Trade post in Miamis. City in Roanoke.

News flash, 1646: Fort built in Roanoke. Trade post in Alleghany. City in Gasesspie. All this with one colonist per year and a annual payment of 110!

News flash, 1652: WAR!!! Hanse declares war against Iroquious! Hanse troops outflank superior Indian forces at Shenandoh! Indians burn trading posts! Three Hanse forces destroyed! Irondekiot, Mohawk taken! Indians retake Mohawk, force Hanse out of confederacy territory!

News flash, 1653: Peace settled. Shenandoh, Irondekiot, given to Hanse.
REBELLION!!! Holstein taken! Rebels besiege Mecklenburg! Corporal Josef called out of retirement to lead Hansetag militia! In other news today, Colon's Cologne from Cologne suffered lowest profit margin ever recorded. Says Cristobal Colon the XX "Well, I can live on one ducat. For a while."

News flash, 1658: Shenandoh, Irondekiot converted to Protestanism. Says minister of religion, "We told them that we would kill them if they didn't convert, but then, for some reason, they got all huffy!" City completed in Susquehanna.

 

[Carolus Rex]

Very nice.

 

[Morlac]

Updates?

Hey Celt!

Has Radio Hanse stopped broadcasting? You have listeners tuned in...

 

[J. Passepartout]

Originally posted by Celt
News flash, 1587: A fort was completed in Belle Isle today. Says Hansetag minister of defense, “Belle Isle is really useless militarily, but we had the extra cash, and figured, what the hell?”

News flash , 1589: A city was finished in Delaware today. In foreign news, the rebels in England have taken the motto “Life, liberty, and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie!”

Nice.

 

[King of Men]

Heh, and I thought I was funny. Good writing, nicely minimalist in style; I strongly approve. Hey, can I hire your channel to broadcast imperialist propaganda to the peasants in my own AAR? England über alles!

 

[Carolus Rex]

I hope this one is still running.

 

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(Hi, guys. Hope I didn't keep you waiting TOO long, but there's been a lot going on lately. Oh, and to King of Men, I'm sure I could squeeze it in somewhere; we always need more advertisements! )

News flash, 1660: 100 ducats worth of donations were made today by the Hansetag council to the Danish government's "Kill the Swedes" charity. Reason; "Why not?" says Hansetag minister of finance. A colony was also established in New Orleans. Brought to you in part by: Medici Bankers of Florence, "Repay, Repent, Revenge!" as well as Bourbon's Bourbon of Bourbon, "It'll knock your socks off. Failing that, it'll at least knock your codpiece off!"

News flash, 1674: New Orleans was taken by Spanish soldiers today. Says Spanish Viceroy of New Spain "It's mine, all mine, muhahahaha!". In related news, pyschological evaluations have been ordered for all future Spanish Viceroy's. 10 merchant vessels were armed, equipped and fitted out by Jean de Bourbon, owner of the famous BBB company, for use by the Hansetag navy. Says Mr. Bourbon, "They may be old, fungus-ridden, holy and generally rotten, but it's still a magnanimous gesture, right?"

News flash, 1700: War was declared today between England and France. For no particular reason, Poland decided to help her ally France by beating up the Hanse, which as you all know, is NOT allied with England, but with Russia! As if this needed complication, Russia did not step in on the side of her ally, but instead decided to go to war with Sweden, which IS allied with England. A huge field army has been raised (over 400 ducats worth of troops) by the Hanse, and is marching to Pommerania to help fight off the Poles!!

 

[Carolus Rex]

I can't wait until u start writing EU2 aar's with this kinda style.

 

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News flash, 1707: After a long and terrible war, Poland-Lithuania has agreed to a peace settlement with the Hanse today. Eastern Pommerania was handed over to the Poles. Interestingly, when told that the Swedes had pulled out of the war they were fighting against Poland, General Wilhelm noted, "Well, good riddnez to 'em, the smelly, slant-eyed, sausage-eating swine!" On being told that the Swedes were on OUR side, he commented, "Oh, sorry." (Can't claim that one, it's from Blackadder, but it seemed to fit )

News flash, 1720: War was declared against the Iroquis today, and in an act of "pure, selfless, patriotic, slaughter" the Hanse army destroyed a force of 30000 Indians. "We smoked 'em, fried 'em, and ripped 'em apart!" noted Commander von Sturm. On asked if he had baked, broiled, panfried, stirfried, sauteed, grilled, barbequed, or otherwise cooked them, he commented "shove off". Brought to you in part by: French cooking association of America "If it crawls, squirms, or stinks, we'll eat it!"

News flash, 1724: The Iroquious were annexed today. When asked for reasons behind this, Commander von Sturm responded, "Why not? A little harmless slaughter never hurt anyone!" In sports news today, 15 hockey players were killed when New Bremen took on the West Pommerania Rockets. Apparently, the star player, Mr. Kolzig, decided they would play better if they actually HAD some rockets!

 

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News flash, 1732: In a diplomatic faux pas today, the Chairman of the Hansetag council spilled an entire lemon cream pie on the Polish ambassador. Says Chairman Lumme "I'm ecstatic about the whole incident." (OOC; A diplomatic error causes temporary casus belli, -relation.). When asked why in particular, he declined to comment. Also in news today, a colony was established in south africa. The people there have for some strange reason taken to calling themselves Boers. Says Chairman Lumme, "Maybe they like pigs or something." Sponsored in part by; Swiss army muskets, the matchlock which converts into a candle holder, saw, and scissors!

News flash, 1734: WAR!!! Poland, Brandenburg, and Hesse declared war!!! Hanse troops bravely beat a hasty retreat to Holstein!!! Chairman Lumme found dead among ruins of Mecklenburg. Rejoicing among the refugee camps!! See above!!!

News flash, 1738: Peace signed giving Brandenburg West Pommerania and Poland Holstein.