Quest: The Wine of Milan

[coz1]

EPISODE I​

Spotlights caress the stage as flashing lights let the audience know that the show is about to begin. Large "APPLAUD" lights blink on and off encouraging the audience to get involved. A lone bright light crosses the stage and lands dead center as an announcer begins to speak...

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman...back by popular demand...the show you love and we have the tweets to prove it...Quest!

Wild applause become deafening as the announcer continues...

Announcer: Please welcome...your host...Jackie Powers!!!

The audience goes wild again as the thin Englishman crosses to center stage, his gate somewhat stiffer but his excitement no less for it. Jackie Powers waits for the applause to start to die down and then bows a time or two to keep it going just a bit more...holding up his hands finally, he calms the audience enough to speak...

Jackie Powers: Hello and welcome once again to the most exciting show on the internet! We are back once again...yes, ladies and gentleman...Quest is back!

More applause gathers over the arena but Jackie Powers quickly silences them,

JP: We have a lot to get to tonight and only a limited time so let's get right to it, shall we?

He quickly moves upstage to a judges panel, the seats empty for now.

JP: And no Quest episode would happen without our great judges. So let's welcome them tonight...first up, King Midas!!!

Tepid applause break out as a regal figure takes his time to walk to his lectern. He waves his arm slightly and holds his head high as he finds his place and nods his head a time or two, lightly placing his hands to either side of the slight desk in front of him.

King Midas: Thank you, Bob. It's wonderful to be back.

JP: It's...oh, never mind...now let's welcome a man who knows a thing or two about our quest...all the way from the City of Angels...Anton Jackson!!!

A wino stumbles out barely able to keep from tangling himself up with the stage curtain. He walks with a slow but deliberate gate and finally finds his lectern, holding on to it to gain balance.

Anton: Ha...ha...How's everybody doin' tonight?

Clearly drunk, he places a jar of indiscriminate liquid on the lectern and a gasp is made by the audience as everyone notices the pickle floating in the jar. King Midas stands back and holds a handkerchief to his nose.

JP: You might want to put that away, Mr. Jackson...

Anton: But what if I have to go to the bathroom? (He snickers towards the audience but only a few laugh in return)

JP: And finally, all the way from his golf vacation...our very own...Goldfinger!!!

The audience breaks into a deafening applause mixed with heavy boos as Auric Goldfinger slowly crosses the stage to his place. He glares first at the audience and then at the wino beside him. Finally, he sniffs towards Midas as he folds his arms across chest.

Goldfinger: I have no idea what I am doing here, Bond, so you had better make this good. And what the hell is Midas doing here? I thought I made it plain in my contract...I don't wish to work with the man!

JP: Easy Goldfinger...we've placed another judge between you. Let's all try to get along here. And you are judge yet again because you are an audience favorite.

Goldfinger: Yeah? So what's his excuse? (he points towards King Midas)

JP: The right man for the job, trust me. We tried to get Francis Ford Coppola but he was working on another movie. It'll be two or three years before he's available. But King Midas works on short notice.

Jackie Powers smiles but Goldfinger makes a point to turn away from King Midas.

Goldfinger: I'll bet.

JP: And now that we've introduced the judges, let's get to our brave contestant...

He walks center stage again where a stage hand has rolled out a cart with a glass bowl on top. Jackie Powers rolls his hand around inside before picking out a slip of paper. As he reads it, he quickly smiles to the audience.

JP: Your contestant is...Filippo Maria Visconti of Milan!

A rather portly man shuffles to a seat of couches opposite the judges panel and Jackie Powers meets him there to shake his hand. The man wipes his hand after shaking and plops down on the couch with a heavy sigh.

JP: Wonderful to have you, sir!

Filippo Maria: Thank you, Alex. I was surprised when I got word I'd be on the show...can't say I'm confident in the quest, to be honest.

JP: Now, now...let's not get too far ahead. First let's look at your starting position...(he turns to look at the big board)

Filippo Maria: Crowded neighborhood, that. And you haven't even mentioned the quest yet.

JP: Patience sir...let's also applaud the great military man at your side...

Filippo Maria: We'll need him.

JP: Well, let's go ahead and tell the audience the quest, eh? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the goal of our friend and his heirs is to control all the wine producing provinces in the world. Can little tiny Milan do it?

Filippo Maria: I doubt it.

From across the stage a voice is heard calling out...

Goldfinger: Wuss!

JP: (Ignoring Goldfinger's taunt) Don't get too down on yourself, sir. You've got quite a lot to do.

Filippo Maria: Indeed...may I get to it, at least?

JP: Be my guest...(the host is slightly taken aback but allows Filippo Maria to exit the stage)...and he is, right folks? (He smiles wide)

The audience breaks into applause once again as Jackie Powers crosses over to the judges.

JP: So gentlemen, what say you about the goal? Let's look at some sliders as things begin (he points to the board)

JP: What do you think, Goldfinger?

Goldfinger: He was smart to jump on centralization already. He needs to keep it up.

JP: And you, Anton?

Anton: Wait...what's his job again?

JP: To get all the wine...

Anton: That's what I thought you said. How 'bout you let me do that job. I got experience at that.

Laughter fills the audience as Jackie Powers turns to Midas,

JP: What about you, Midas...think he can do it?

King Midas: He seemed like an agreeable sort. And you haven't even mentioned the early good news, Bob.

JP: It's Jackie...and let's go ahead and tell them...in 1421, Genoa submits to Milan and becomes their vassal...

Goldfinger: The man works fast. You have to admire that.

King Midas: No idea how he did that, really?

Goldfinger: Are you saying...

JP: (cutting Goldfinger off) Please gentlemen...it is a great moment for Milan and excellent news follows...

Anton: Does that mean more wine for us?

Goldfinger: It could, puny man. Take a shower. (He turns back to Jackie Powers) That's not a bad alliance but he's got quite the challenge in that part of town. The Pope is allied with Siena and Naples among others...and Venice...don't even get me started on Venice.

JP: You make a good point, Goldfinger. Our man has an alliance with Mantua, Modena and now Genoa. The Pope is allied with Siena and Naples, as you said, but also Provence and the Swiss. And Tuscany just to the south is allied with Savoy and your favorite Venetians.

King Midas: I stayed in Venice once...it was quite nice, actually...lovely villas...

Goldfinger: Shut yer pie hole, Midas. Men are at work here.

King Midas: Well, I never...

Goldfinger: Highly doubt that, fella. Back to business...please explain to me why he goes and offers a royal marriage with Venice...it makes no damn sense!

Anton: Somebody says cents? That's all I need, man...whatever you got...

Goldfinger: Get off me, you disgusting creature!

Anton tries to get close to Goldfinger but is harshly rebuffed and slapped to the ground.

JP: Goldfinger...please!

Goldfinger: If I have to be here, at least you could get me some decent co-judges. This is a disgrace, Bond. It will be a great day when you die!

JP: Um...thank you? Well...(turning back to the audience)...let's take one more look at the big board before we go...and it's a special shot because it shows you a bit of what we are after here...take a look...

JP: Looks like a tall order so stay tuned and make sure to join us on the next episode of...Quest!

 

[blsteen]

Interesting, intriguing and Goldfinger...I'll be following... THE QUEST!
Right after I hit ebay and fark.

 

[Stuyvesant]

There are a lot more wine provinces in the world than there are gold provinces - felt you needed the additional challenge?

Good luck with this. Might I offer the suggestion that you replace the street bum with a more sophisticated version? Good ol' Dino Crocetti should be able to lend a hand...

 

[bluelotus]

The word 'wine' drove me here.

 

[Serek000]

This.Is.Delicious.

I will definitely follow.

Let's hope Milan gains a monopoly on the nectar of Bacchus!

 

[Enewald]

There will be wine!

Are you not afraid of alcoholism?

A very subtle AAR...

What of ScottlAAR?

 

[coz1]

As you can see, Quest is back. I've been trying to find a way to get Jackie and the gang back together for a while and this was a lark I thought I'd try. I've just restarted Scotland but the gameplay has already been done for at least 80 years or so and this one allows me to play a game right now.

The goals are as stated: Own all of the wine producing provinces in the world. On top of that, I may place another level on that as things progress - have a refinery in each as well. Finally, I have the Kingdom of Italy and Germany events turned on for this game (AGCEEP as well.) If I can form it, I will.

Updates will likely be weekly if maybe a few extras. They take a long time to put together. And I'll take any suggestions on judges. I used Goldfinger again because he was so popular the first time around and thus Midas had to return as foil. But Anton was the best I could come up with on short notice (those of you who watch In Living Color may recognize him.) I can easily mix and match the panels as the show progresses and it will likely be helpful to me to keep things fresh.

Now for some early fb-fb:

Interesting, intriguing and Goldfinger...I'll be following... THE QUEST!
Right after I hit ebay and fark.

Heh. I played the last Quest game as an ESPN series, but a few years have passed and the internet seemed a more appropriate place for it now. Besides, the ESPN 5550 joke is played by now.

There are a lot more wine provinces in the world than there are gold provinces - felt you needed the additional challenge?

Good luck with this. Might I offer the suggestion that you replace the street bum with a more sophisticated version? Good ol' Dino Crocetti should be able to lend a hand...

Tell the truth, Stuyvesant, I think I bit off more than I can chew. I knew there were a lot of wine provinces, but I forget just how many and where. What we see above is not all of them of course. The idea has certainly been done before, but it seemed a decent challenge.

And I like that idea - a little Dino...maybe one night I can have Dean, Frank and Sammy be the judges. "K-boom, k-boom, k-cha-cha boom, baby...and I mean that, man," A little Sammy there for you.

The word 'wine' drove me here.

There will definitely be some drunken moments, I've no doubt. If they must find it, they might as well drink it.

This.Is.Delicious.

I will definitely follow.

Let's hope Milan gains a monopoly on the nectar of Bacchus!

Great to see you following along. I'm hoping for that too, but as you can tell from Filippo Maria, the order seems too tall right now. Got to get a cunning plan.

There will be wine!

Are you not afraid of alcoholism?

A very subtle AAR...

What of ScottlAAR?

Well, I did gold before...plus, I may need the vino while going for those French and Spanish wine provinces. I'm definitely going to keep going with Scotland, but this provides a little diversion and a chance to dig back into a character driven work...in a way. Plus, comedy itself is always a challenge and while I may not be able to keep up a high quality with any great consistency, I hope I get a couple of gold zingers in there every now and then.

 

[Qorten]

I never heard of this 'Quest'-series of yours, coz! Must have been a while back since you last did one.

anyway, I'll be surprised if you pull this one of. Milan has a very hard time vs France, which happens to have a whole lot of those wine provinces...

 

[Duke of Wellington]

Looks good, haven't time to read just now so only registering my interest and I will be back with a comment or two later.

 

[AllmyJames]

Interesting. Where could one find the original 'Quest?'

Lots of wine out there. Good luck! At least the weather's bound to be good wherever the vines grow.

 

[Storey]

This is going to be quite a challenging Quest. There's some awful big boys you're going to be going up against. Are you going to take the easy way and hit France before they can grow too big to pick on?

Joe

 

[coz1]

Fb-fb:​

I never heard of this 'Quest'-series of yours, coz! Must have been a while back since you last did one.

anyway, I'll be surprised if you pull this one of. Milan has a very hard time vs France, which happens to have a whole lot of those wine provinces...

France may have her own troubles.

Looks good, haven't time to read just now so only registering my interest and I will be back with a comment or two later.

Good to hear, Duke!

Interesting. Where could one find the original 'Quest?'

Lots of wine out there. Good luck! At least the weather's bound to be good wherever the vines grow.

More than I realized.

This is going to be quite a challenging Quest. There's some awful big boys you're going to be going up against. Are you going to take the easy way and hit France before they can grow too big to pick on?

Joe

Joe, I have to admit, I thought of the premise of the story before the actual goal. As it is, I am actually rather frightened at the prospect of fighting so many big powers...I really should have thought this out further. But I'm game for the challenge. After all, that's the idea - have fun with it.

For those looking for my previous attempt with Quest, see here or in my Inkwell. It was sadly an abortive attempt due to lost files, but the game got a fair way into it.

I actually played a bit more over the weekend and am working on another update as we speak. Hope to have it up tonight so we can keep a little early interest going.

 

[AllmyJames]

Now you have me researching the history of Mediaeval wine. Curse you and your intriguing AAR ideas!

Anyway, how about these as guest judges:

Dom Perignon - the monk who invented Champagne?

Friar Tuck, of Robin Hood fame?

Alexander the Great - he enjoyed a good drink, and he killed his best friend and burnt the city of Persepolis while drunk.

The Emperor Gaius Caligula?

The God Bachus/Dionysius?

EDIT - Also, don't you have to get California to complete your set? That's going to be a toughie.

 

[Stuyvesant]

EDIT - Also, don't you have to get California to complete your set? That's going to be a toughie.

If coz1 can beat France, Austria, Spain and other assorted states, then probably taking California won't present much of a challenge anymore.

 

[Duke of Wellington]

Well, well an interesting challenge. It should bring you into some nice conflicts with almost every major power. I like that As always the writing is spot on, concise, informative and witty. Loving it already.

 

[coz1]

EPISODE II​

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen...welcome once again to your favorite gameshow...

The crowd goes wild and a spotlight hits the stage with precision.

Announcer: Please welcome your host...the man who has everything he wants and won’t accept anything less...Jackieeee Poweeerrrrs!!!

APPLAUSE lights flash as Jackie Powers runs onto the stage, his hands held up in a victory clench - he shakes it to his left and right and then stops...his hands held to his face. The audience stops with him and silence envelops the stage.

Jackie Powers: (Holding a finger to an eye as he allows the last few applause to lapse) So early in...and already a sadness...I must inform that a nation has gone down...a proud country with just enough spirit to carry on...but not enough...

A pin could drop in the audience as they quickly come to a silent pause and Jackie plays it for all it is worth before he continues...

JP: Yes, ladies and gentlemen...France is no more...(he quickly raises his arm to show a huge screen rising from backstage)

JP: The big board, folks...and it shows England winning the Hundred Years War. At least against what we knew as France. Perhaps not such a problem as we thought. Let's go the judges.

He walks to stage left and approaches the judges’ panel, all three already in place. Stopping at the first one, he drops his chin to elbow immediately.

JP: So Goldfinger...give us an idea here. What does that do for our boy?

Goldfinger: Bond, you wouldn't know a good situation if it hit you in the face...which I am tempted to do.

JP: Now, now, Mr. Goldfinger. Let's not get odd...job... (he smiles at the audience but the laughs are few) How about you, Midas...what opportunities does this offer?

King Midas: Well he certainly has a headache taken away, yes? And if you've read the reports, it seems he is doing a bit of trading already.

Goldfinger: Bah! Who needs trade? It is a waste of time! Put the auto trader on there and get to business!

JP: Hold on just a moment, Goldfinger...we have a new judge to introduce tonight...let's give him a chance to speak up...ladies and gents, all the way from the Sands...

Music takes over the set as an orchestra starts to play...

Dean Martin: (singing) Well you ain’t nobody…mmm, mmmm…till somebody loves you… (he allows the musical phrase to drop as he is announced)

JP: Mr. Dean Martin!!!

Dean Martin: Thank you very much...thank you folks...now let me get a drink...(he backs up and finds a cart filled with all imaginable alcohol and starts mixing some concoction as he looks back to the audience)...If Sammy were here, this would’ve already been done...

JP: A drink, Mr. Martin?

Dean Martin: (He holds the drink up and looks at it with bemusement as he walks back to his place) No…no…this is just a gag…I don’t drink anymore…

JP: Really?

Dean Martin: No…I freeze it and eat it like a popsicle.

The audience laughs as Jackie Powers allows Martin to get his bits in…

JP: About the situation on the board, Mr. Martin…what do you think?

Dean Martin: Well, if France is gone then I might need to find a new vacation spot…(He winks at the audience)…but as long as the beaches stay open…

JP: It does take some pressure off, I’d think.

Dean Martin: Pressure? (He looks around acting confused) I don’t know nothin’ about pressure, boy…except maybe when Frank’s in the room…now that’d drive a man to drink.

Goldfinger: Damn lush!

Dean Martin: (Turning to Goldfinger feigning hurt) Hey now…a drink never hurt nobody…remember the great words of Mr. Joe E. Lewis…he says you’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

The audience breaks into wild laughter but the look upon Goldfinger’s face grows fierce. Jackie Powers is just able to get in between Dean Martin and a lunging Goldfinger.

JP: Let’s take a look at some major action in the game, shall we gentlemen?

He walks center stage and points back to the big board…

JP: Not content with sway over Genoa, our Duke moves towards the Po Valley and claims Romagna as part of his birthright. Let’s take this to the judges…Goldfinger?

Goldfinger: Looks like he made the right choice. Time to get something moving in that direction. He’s going to need to push all the way down the boot.

King Midas: Well he’ll certainly have chance if he keeps provoking his neighbors like that.

Goldfinger: (Sharply) That’s the point, panty waist.

Dean Martin: Hey now, boy…let’s go light on the fella…he’s got a point…

Goldfinger: What the hell would you know? Damned entertainer!

Dean Martin: I know enough to know he’s playing sides like a true gambler. That’s how it’s got to be with these Italians. Trust me…I know.

JP: You bring up a good point, sir…let’s take a look at the diplomatic screen now and see where we’re at…

Dean Martin: See now…he’s got ‘em all mixed up. They don’t know whether he’s comin’ or goin’.

King Midas: He does have a point, Goldfinger.

Goldfinger: (Stewing at first but is able to calm himself as he ignores his fellow judges) At least he makes the right choice in the next event.

JP: Goldfinger gets ahead of me…but let’s put it up there…

JP: So we are in 1423 and perhaps Aragon sees an opening in Italy…looks like Filippo Maria won’t help out here.

Dean Martin: All part of the plan, baby…keep it mixed up and confused…now there’s your pressure, boy.

Goldfinger: There he goes again…could we at least get somebody else up here that knows what the hell is going on? (To Dean Martin) Go have another drink…

Dean Martin: You know…I feel sorry for you people that don’t drink…because when you get up in the morning, that’s as good as you’re gonna feel all day.

JP: How about you, King Midas…thoughts on all this?

King Midas: Strangely, I have to find myself agreeing with my colleague Mr. Goldfinger…to conquer this goal, he’ll need a plan and so far I do not see one. He seems to be walking around aimlessly letting the neighbors come to him rather than confronting the quest.

The other three stand with open jaw, amazed at the Midas critique and his agreeing with Goldfinger.

Dean Martin: Here…have a drink, son…you deserve it after that answer.

Goldfinger: Well played, Midas. Well played. (To Jackie) And I’m in total agreement!

JP: It doesn’t happen often, folks…but you saw it here…they agree. (Moving to the other side of the stage) Now let’s get some inside information from the man at this quest…let’s welcome once again…Filippo Maria Visconti of Milan!

The Duke comes out as before. He is haggard and sweaty and looks like he needs a bath. Jackie sits on the couches after waiting for Filippo Maria to sit and then pulls some note cards from his pocket.

JP: So it says here that you had some troubles with the neighbors around this time. Care to tell us about this?

Filippo Maria: You can blame it all on Venice. They are the anti-christ. I cannot move without them trying to hamper my abilities…always trying to thwart my plans.

JP: Like what, my Lord?

Filippo Maria: Carmagnola dammit! They tried to play the man off me.

JP: Well, you jump ahead, sir…first let’s look at the Venetian victory against Hungary…

JP: What did this do to your plans?

Filippo Maria: Not much, frankly. You know Venice is going to grow. It’s trying to keep them off balance that is key.

JP: Isn’t that what they are trying to do to you?

Filippo Maria: Quite.

JP: And from our judges panel, it seems that this is not enough. How long can you keep this up?

Filippo Maria: As long as it takes to shake some trees…I did join a royal marriage with Austria to counter this, you know.

JP: Perhaps not enough. Soon after, in 1424, you have some unhappy merchants. And then…you have an unhappy General. Care to walk us through this?

Filippo Maria: There is nothing to discuss at this late date. It is handled. Carmagnola is fine.

JP: Well, he wasn’t fine, was he? He left you in February of 1424 and I hear he went to Venice to air some complaints.

Filippo Maria: Everything worked out perfectly fine in the end. We jumped in infrastructure research at the end of that year and you may notice who is now listed as the leader of Genoa. (He points to the big board)

JP: So it didn’t hurt at all?

Filippo Maria: Not at all. All is mended now. Carmagnola is at home where he should be and happy to be in my employ.

JP: Took a bit of wrangling though, didn’t it? He had a steep price, if I recall…

Filippo Maria: He simply asked to return and I offered him that very thing. I assumed he might appreciate the governorship of Genoa, but the idea was rebuffed so I met with him and all is now well. He is reinstated and we are both happy at the outcome.

JP: Well, I certainly hope so. (Turning back to the audience) And I’m afraid that’s all the time we have here for tonight’s show. But stay tuned as we see what progress our Duke here has made on his quest…

Goldfinger: (From across the stage) If he ever gets started!!!

JP: …and we may even see a surprise appearance by our general…look for it next time right here on…

Goldfinger leaves his place and rushes to the couches, grabbing the Duke by his collar.

Goldfinger: What does it take to get you to move, you bastard? Midas has it right...get moving on the damn quest. Wine ain't gold...but damn you man!

The Duke is throttled as Jackie Powers tries to intervene. Dean Martin takes the moment to pull his drink cart to center stage as he pulls a remote mic from his tux jacket.

Dean Martin: (Singing) Ah, sweet, sweet...memories...

Goldfinger breaks away from Jackie Powers and has Filippo Maria in a choke-hold as he starts to lose his balance and falls towards the camera...

 

[AllmyJames]

Most amusing. Any chance of taking some of the wine provinces in Naples or Sicily in the Neapolitan succession struggle?

 

[TheExecuter]

Excellent!

I hate reality TV...but, THE QUEST...has already sucked me in. I'm wondering when Milan will start making waves along with Midas.

 

[Amric]

Come now, Coz, you couldn't think of Dudley Moore as Arthur? Really? He'd be perfect. And hilarious.

Although I DO love the idea of Alexander the Great as a judge too. For military matters he'd be difficult to beat I say.

Gotta love the Quest series. I always wondered if you would bring it back.

I think getting all the wine producing provinces will prove to be extremely difficult, but it is theoretically possible. Whether it can actually be DONE...now that I don't know.

 

[Enewald]

What madness is this?

You were intoxicated whilst writing that, weren't you?