CHAPTER 5
1524-1531
BLOODY PEASANTS
Hi! This is the last of the few chapters which were lying on my laptop being “almost done”, so don't expect the next one to be out as soon as the last two were. Today we shall learn a very important lesson – how to survive a Peasants War. No historical snippets this time, because I'm too busy killing BLOODY PEASANTS WHY WON'T YOU JUST LET ME EXPLOIT YOU WITHOUT A HASSLE YOU REBEL SCUM! Ahem. Let's start with the overview of my current situation.
It's bad. It's really, really bad. I'm broke, I have little to no manpower and I have basically zero legitimacy and not even including the effects of the Peasants' War I could expect some serious revolts. On the other hand, thanks to my recent wars I have truces or alliances with basically every neighbor save for Crimea, so they should leave me alone for the next few years. But don't worry, surviving the Peasants' War is actually pretty easy – let's take a look at the triggers for “The End of the Peasants' War” event on eu4wiki.com:
Trigger conditions:
[x] Has country flag Peasant War.
[x] Any of the following:
........[x] All of the following:
................[x] Had country flag:
........................[x] Has flag Peasant War.
........................[x] Days is at least 1000.
................[x] Number of revolts is less than 1.
................[x] Stability is at least 1.
........[x] Has country flag Peasants War Can End.
Right. So what does it tell us? First of all, for the event to fire at least 1000 days have to pass, which means that the bloody peasants are going to ruin my pretty blob for at least 3 years. To trigger the event I need to have Stability at at least 1 and zero active rebel stacks on the map. Conclusion:
don't waste your MPs on raising Stability before the three year period ends. In my case the Peasants' War started in September 1524, so until, say, November 1527 raising Stab is pointless –
just like killing those bloody peasants is. I'm going to need manpower for my army to recover after going for a rebel killing spree three years from now, so I won't be wasting it now especially considering I have so little of it. The only rebels worth killing are revolutionaries (Democracy? Not in my Republic!) and religious fanatics, since they can force-convert you. So to sum up my strategy – do nothing for the first three years and then roflstomp the peasants and restore order (raise Stab to 1).
Polan yuo of genius.
Freedom? Crushing taxes? What is this nonsense? You are free – I liberated you from oppressive Muscovite yoke, you bloody peasants! Plus I need taxes to
finance my imperialistic conquests build more, err, orphanages! And there will be lots of them when I'm done with you, unwashed commoners.
Oh, great. Religious Revolt. Well, I guess with traditional PLC tolerance and so on there's really only one choice. Lower revolt risk due to tolerance and lower stab cost is definitely worth it plus the first option spawns some ridiculous amount of rebels so yeah, let's give them the freedom to choose... their own... religion? YOU ALREADY HAVE THAT, YOU UNGRATEFUL SCUM! Where do you think you live, in St. Bartholomew's Day's France? In HRE during the Thirty Years War? We are civilized people, we don't persecute others for what they believe in, you mindless peasants!
Oops. And there is no other option for me to choose, apparently because I need to have at least stability 0 to unlock the “We must negotiate a solution” response. Huh, I didn't know that – it seems my strategy of dealing with rebels may not be that brilliant.
It doesn't look good at all. And we're just a six months into the Peasants' War. Hmm... Maybe I should actually start doing something instead of just hoarding manpower and MPs?
Nah.
Finally some good news. I had to take another loan to pay for this but +10% national manpower is definitely worth it. Plus with -23 ducats monthly income I'm taking loans anyways, so I may as well make some good use of this money.
The year 1525 was almost over when the “Reformation Branches Out” event fires and soon afterwards the Counter-Reformation begins. Will we see Reformed Brandenburg? That would be quite interesting – I never played as Reformed, the bonuses aren't that great after all, but I would prefer Brandenburg to stick with +1 advisor and +2 heretic tolerance rather than taxes and idea cost bonuses from Protestant. Because we're totally going to destroy Brandenburg at some point: you can't really make a decent Preemptive Partitions without killing Prussia before it is born, you know.
A pleasant surprise comes in March 1526 when I become a Papal Controller – again. Shame I'm in a position in which almost all of these bonuses are going to be wasted. Out of frustration I decide to excommunicate France, not because I need to but because I can – and let's be honest, we all hate BBB.
This fine example of trolling in international relations is too much for my old king to handle.
At least Michał I Lubomirski died with a smile on his face. The king is dead - long live the king Kazimierz IV Gryf from Pomerania! His skills are really good and although I have no idea how come Pomerania of all places put someone from their dynasty on the throne of PLC I don't really care – I'll take 5/5/2 over dynasty prestige every time. Of course since the king died I get -1 Stability BUT since I already have -3 Stab it makes no difference – you can't take from me what I already don't have, Paradox!
The rebels are more concerning – I don't want to change my government type (I want the “One King to Rule!” achievement) and Emil Wyhowski has crappy stats, so I'm afraid my troops are going to finally do something after being stationed in the same province for the past two years.
Uhh, this is a nasty event. I actually take -1 basetax since I already have tons of loans and I definitely don't want to go bankrupt since it would delay my Preemptive Partitions and would make conquering Muscowy much harder – more time for them, more land they'll grab in Siberia. I don't want to fight them either so I take the basetax hit. Damned
szlachta and their timing.
The peasants are obviously worse.
Alright, it's March 1528 and the situation is getting worse and worse. In several months I'll have to start killing the rebels and get myself to 1 Stability . I'm broke, with no legitimacy, no prestige, -3 Stability and manpower evaporating quickly. I already lost almost three years worth of conquest due to those damned peasants and as soon as truces are over, Denmark and Muscowy may attack me. Worst case scenario, the whole PLC falls apart, rebels enforce change of government and I fail the quest for achievement. The time has come to actually do something for a change.
Go blob or go home, as they say – and so I implement my bold plan.
It's conversion time! There are already few Protestant pockets in PLC, so I won't be starting from a scratch plus extra money will at least postpone taking another loan. I will lose 100 prestige but as you may see on the screenshot, I don't have any prestige to begin with so I don't care. I raise Stability to 0 since I'm going to need it to be at +1 soon anyways and it will help me deal with the rebels.
Why Protestant? Because it's perfect religion for PLC – more money is nice but -10% idea cost stacks with -10% idea cost from Humanism, which means I'll be spending only 320 MP on a single idea. This will enable me to rush to unlocking all my National Ideas and the final +3 tolerance of heretic Polish Ambition, which effectively will give me permanent +3 tolerance towards heretics and thus even more taxes, more manpower and fewer revolts. Considering how annoying Curia minigame is and that Catholic gives -1 tolerance to heretic, there is really no reason to stick with it as PLC. The only thing which worries me is that Austria almost always stays Catholic and with -40 Neighboring heretic malus I can lose my Western Arms Trade bonus as well as the alliance with Hapsburgs, which may-
Oh. Never mind than. Also, England wants alliance with me which I accept – we both have Denmark as rival and I can actually use their navy to block all Danish ports, which means quicker sieges for me and higher WE for them.
It seems however that the peasants aren't glad that I changed the state religion.
Religious unity is a little too low for my taste but +1.28 revolt risk is nothing compared to what I'm going through right now. Which reminds me – with “Res Publica” (I think) Paradox made it possible for your allies who have military access to your lands and don't have wars on rebellions to deal with themselves to kill the rebels for you. Isn't this great? Novgorod and Austria are wasting their troops to help me, thus saving my manpower – oh how naïve they are.
Okay, it's time to deal with the rebels for real now, so in other words it's time for a magic trick!
Poof! The rebels are gone! And it only takes 10 prestige out of my -100 prestige! To make a best use of it, I advise you to wait for the game to spawn more of the same type of rebels – there's no point in spending 3 times the same prestige you can use only once after few months. It is kinda gamebreaking because you only really have to deal with revolutionaries and religious fanatics, so it's understandable that “Art of War” removes this option and instead the rebels always have the same demands, enforced or not. Oh well.
Anyways, it's time to bring some Tolerance(tm) to those bloody rebels.
Great, another- wait! I have 0 Stability so I have the second option unlocked – and it's been more than a 1000 days since the start of the Peasants' War! And there are no rebels alive at this very moment!
Yes yes yes!
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! It's 23 October 1530, the bloody peasants are gone and glorious Commonwealth emerges from the struggle unscathed! Well, almost unscathed. Mostly. With a moderate amount of damage. A lot of damaged, to be honest. Actually, I barely survived it – if it was to last for a few more years it could end really badly. I have no manpower and a massive debt, which means that the postponed war with Muscowy may be more of a challenge than expected.
On the other hand,I have a very decent king and I'm Protestant now, aka known as the best Christian denomination in game. Which BTW is kinda weird – why Catholics have -1 tolerance but Protestants don't? If this malus is because Catholic Church is exclusive and intolerant shouldn't all Protestants have +1 revolt risk because of witch-hunting or something like this? I sense some bias here – is it because Sweden is Protestant?
But it is of no concern. The Peasants' War is no more, so we can get back to my pastime – liberating Russia from Muscovite oppression.
That's it for now, folks! “Pro Fide” returns soon with another update, this time dedicated to – you guessed it – yet another war with Muscowy. Gonna kill that Bear sooner or later and I would prefer sooner. Or maybe I will vassalize them, as someone suggested. Either way, for Poland PLC to prosper, Russia Muscowy must be weak and stay away from both expanding into Siberia and Ukraine Ruthenia – with strong NATO Hapsburg allies it should be easily accomplished. Err... You know what I mean.
Ahem.
