Jack Shit Studios
"Roquefort! Smithee here. How's the music coming? Time's running tight and I need something for The Boss... no, not Springsteen, you idiot, the guy upstairs. What? God? No, moron, the Head Honcho, the Big Cheese, the Grand Wahooli, King Biscuit... yeah, him... OK... uh-huh... uh-huh... Jerry Goldsmith? Period music? Yeah, that's the ticket... now you're on the right track... uh-huh... I'm sure you'll do your breast... what? Trixie? Yeah, she just walked in... how the hell did you know? Anyway, gotta go." Smithee slammed the phone down. "Hmmph. Roquefort must have heard you enter."
"Well, he does have a rather good ear, sir."
"Right. What you got for me today?"
The secretary dropped a stack of phone messages on his desk, "These are marketing representatives from a variety of corporations and companies, sir. It appears a lot of people are taking interest in the mini-series."
Smithee grabbed the stack and rifled through it. "Coca-Cola, Taco-Bell, Tim Horton's MacDonalds, Nike, Gap, Wendy's, Shoals, Playtex, Trojan..." He dropped them. "Very impressive." He shook his head, slowly, "Honestly, at times I don't know what I'd do without you, Trixie."
"Well, someone around here needs to keep you straight, sir, and I think I'm just the girl to do it." She walked out the door.
Smithee shifted uncomfortably, "No shit."
Back Lot Stage
Christopher Walken stood off to the side, dressed in the lavish robes of his character, Tomás de Torquemada. He was shouting into a cellphone. All around him the set was a chaotic scene of people as they rushed back and forth, each performing their own little unionized function.
"Look, Charlie, do I really have to do this? Why? The flying scenes? What about them? They had to re-shoot? Well... excuse me. Yeah... uh-huh... uh-huh... yeah... but, I feel so stupid... uh-huh... uh-huh... obligation? What the fu... uh-huh... uh-huh... well, if you insist... what? Be professional? I'm always professional! Uh-huh... OK... right... bye."
The director approached Walken. "We're ready for you."
The actor rolled his eyes, "Do I really have to do this?"
"Think of it as another feather in your acting cap, Mr. Walken. Besides, from the way I hear it, you have no choice."
"All right. Let's get this over with."
"Over here, then. Stand in front of this mural, like so." The director stood back and appraised the actor. "The costume's good. You must really be evil in that show. It drips off you."
"If we don't do this quick, I'll show you evil."
"Right. Brenda, the product, if you please. Thank you. Here Mr. Walken, hold this up and read the teleprompter, over there by the camera. Look menacing."
"Bite me."
"Come on, be a man about it."
"Bit me, asshole."
The director stepped back to the camera. "Quiet on the set. Roll camera. Action.
"Hi. I'm Tomás de Torquemada. Like you, I deal in blood. But, unlike you, I force confessions, instead of offering them. How did I find myself in such an important position? I pulled strings. Speaking of pulling strings, the next time you find yourself in an unenviable situation, verging on total embarrassment, make sure you have a ready supply of Tampax. Available individually, or by the box. Tampax, for those times when you just have to... hide the evidence..."
"Cut! Bloody good, Christopher, bloody good."
Jack Shit Studios
"Trixie?"
"Yes, Mr. Smithee?"
"Can you take these reports up to The Boss?"
"Of course I can, sir."
"Thanks. Be careful, he's in a cranky mood today."
"Not a problem, I'll straighten the old pecker out."
Turner Smithee rolled his eyes.
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"Gentlemen, before I begin, Mr. Scorsese has asked me to pass along an announcement. After today's screening, he will be hosting a round table discussion on the artistic merits of Ed Wood. Everyone is invited... Lights."
Steele waited while the Suits hunkered down into their plush viewing seats, then began, "OK. We fade into the year 1505 and the arrival of a colony ship to the newly discovered territory of Les Cayes. At this point we do a montage of events that trace the growth of the colony, and the attempts by the Portuguese merchants to set up shop in Mobile, Penobscot, Massachusetts, and Acadie. We jump ahead to the year 1507, then cut to the successful opening of a weapons manufactory in Macedonia. Then we jump back to the ongoing colonisation efforts."
"What kind of weapons manufactory, Steele?"
"I'm not 100% sure, Mr. Carpenter, though I'm pretty certain it's not nuclear. In 1509 we cut to Tago, and the arrival of an explorer named Correos, played by Lou Diamond Phillips. There are a few scenes at court, and then he boards ship to sail west. We jump back to the New World and deal with the colonisation of Tortuga, and watch as trading posts are established in Matagorda, Wabana, Placentia and Gander."
"Wabana? Where do you get these names, Steele?"
"I make them up, sir. Anyway, it is now 1510 and a colony has been founded in Barahona. At this point we cut to Vasco de Gama as he lays dying in the forgotten swamps of the Bayou."
"I've been to the Bayou, Steele, you're right about the swamps."
"Shutup, Scorsese."
"Thank you, sir. In 1512 Portugal arranges two royal marriages, one with Savoy and the other with Genoa, then we follow the King as he leaves the reception, and enters a room full of determined men. After several scenes of tense dialogue, we fade to Fez, and a Portuguese army going through maneuvers."
"Do I smell a rat, Steele?"
"I'm not sure, Mr. Penn. I had the place fumigated earlier this week. I'll look into it. Now we cut to the Bayou as it opens a center of trade, a place for the various people of the world to come and do business."
"All I see are Portuguese traders, Steele."
"Right. It takes a while for word to get out, sir. You'll duly note how the celebration over the mercantile success contrasts nicely with the next scene. We cut to Morocco as they receive a declaration of war from King John III."
"Who is that?"
"He's rules Portugal. Haven't you been following this?"
"No, Steele. The actor, on the screen, who is that?"
"Oh. That's John Rhys Davies. He plays the Moroccan Sultan. Looks good, doesn't he? Anyway, we have several scenes where Davies meets with his allies, Algiers and Tunisia..."
"I knew a Tunisia once, she danced at the House of Lancaster..."
"Like we care, Penn. Carry on, Steele."
"Thank you, Mr. Smithee. We finish up the sequence as the infidel soldiers prepare for war. Meanwhile, we cut back to Lisbon and King John III. It's obvious he's in a rage. It turns out that Spain refuses to honour the treaty, leaving Portugal on her own. As the year draws to an end, the Portuguese are invited to join an alliance consisting of Genoa, the Papal States, Hungary, Milan, and the Knights..."
"Who the hell are the Knights?"
"Haven't we had this discussion already, sir? If I may continue, the new alliance is at war with a coalition consisting of Poland, Lithuania, the Teutonic Order, Bavaria, and Hessen. Almost immediately, the Portuguese diplomats set out to involve themselves in intense negotiations. Before long, they have arranged a neutral peace with the Teutonic Order. As we slip into the year 1513, another peace agreement is signed with Poland, but as the King celebrates, news arrives that a Moroccan army has invaded Fez."
"Finally. Do we get to see big, lavish battle scenes, Steele?"
"Yes, sir."
"Oh, goody."
"Try to compose yourself, Mr. Scorsese. As you can see, the two armies face each other across the North African plains. Some of the footage here is rough, but the battle will last for some time, with the Portuguese army coming out victorious. However, another army consisting of Algerians and Moroccans follow up and succeed in defeating the Portuguese, forcing their retreat from Fez. As we linger over the Infidel victory and their subsequent siege of Fez, we fade out."
"Is that it?"
"No, sir. When we fade in, its to watch the landing of 4,000 Moorish cavalry in Granada, and their subsequent battle with the Portuguese army of occupation. The Moors lose. Meanwhile, back in Fez, we pick up the recuperated and reinforced Portuguese army as it engages the enemy. There is another huge, panoramic battle, resulting in a decisive Portuguese victory. At this point we jump back to King John, and his reaction to the news of victory, then cut to the army as it enters Toubkal. It defeats the remnants of the Moroccan army, then lays siege to the capital city of Marrakech."
"Marrakech? Sounds familiar. Wasn't it named after the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song?"
"I think so, sir. Next, we fade to the Vatican and the events that lead to the momentous signing of the Treaty of Tordesillas, then..."
"The treaty of what?"
"Tordesillas, sir. They're served in Mexican restaurants along with refried beans. Anyway, after the t's have been crossed, and the I's dotted, we cut back to Marrakech where the Portuguese envoys sign a peace treaty with Morocco. The war ends and Portugal gains a bit of money."
"You mean the war's over, and no gains? What was that all about, Steele?"
"The writers wanted to illustrate that not all war is successful, sir. This was an instance of underestimating the opponent, and overestimating the loyalty of their ally, in this instance, Spain. This part of the mini-series is an exquisite commentary on the meaning of life, honour, trust and faith."
"I have to take a piss. Anyone else need to take a piss?"