Jack Shit Studios
"Good morning, Dick."
"Good morning, Mr. Smithee."
"You look tired, Dick, sure you're getting enough sleep?"
"I suppose not, sir."
Turner lit a trademark stogie. "Cuban cigars, Steele. Exquisite examples of art, these, and one of the great benefits of working north of the border."
"Never acquired a taste for them, sir."
Smithee blew a thick ring of smoke. "Take my advice, Dick," Turner sat forward. "If you want to go places," he held out the burning roll of tobacco, "this is what you'll need. One of these, and a lot of moxie, Steele."
"Phew. And here I thought it was all about sucking up and taking warm showers with the Suits."
"That comes later. Now, have you had any luck casting King John's queen?"
"I should have that wrapped this morning, sir. It was down to Catharine Deneuve and Ellen De Generes. However, Anne Heche arrived to audition for another role and got into a catfight with De Generes. It wasn't pretty. Anyway, we awarded the role to Deneuve. I just have to meet her agent with the contract to seal the deal."
"Good show... ah, good morning, Trixie."
"Good morning, Mr. Smithee."
"You look tired, Trixie, sure you're getting enough... sleep... ah, never mind..."
Jack Shit Studios - Soundstage 13
"Mr. Corman, thank you so much for taking the time to do this commercial." Harry Butts, a minor executive with JS Studios, bounced around like an excited schoolboy. He was a cherub like man, with an apoplectic face and an ill-fitting toupee.
"Quite all right. It gets me out from behind the desk and back where I belong. Anyway, Doug Daft is a close friend of mine."
A voice from behind them barked, "Who the hell's Doug Daft, and how long will this take? And who the hell are you?"
"Oh, Mr. de Niro. I didn't hear you creep up." Butts licked his suddenly dry lips. "Doug Daft is the CEO of Coca Cola, Mr. De Niro, and you've met Roger Corman, haven't you?"
"Corman? Ah, yeah, the guy that made all those shitty little films in the sixties and seventies."
Corman shrugged. "You should talk, rubber face. I've seen 'The Wedding Party' and 'Bloody Mama'. Those are real feathers to stick in you career cap."
"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"
"Gentlemen... gentlemen... please." Harry Butts stepped between the two men. "The faster we do this, the faster we can all get back to the mini-series."
"Hey! What's going on here? Who are you people?"
The three broke apart as two men and a girl in pigtails marched up. The speaker was a mousy man with a thin mustache. "We have a very important commercial to shoot here, and you bozo's are on my sound stage cutting into my budget!"
Butts puffed up. "Your soundstage? This is booked for our shoot. See, here's the contract."
The mousy man grabbed it and gave the paper a cursory look. "This looks as phony as your hairpiece." He produced his own document. "This, however, is legal. Note the date and stage number."
"Well, it's obvious someone, somewhere, goofed. What you shooting?"
"A Pepsi commercial. You?"
"A Coke commercial."
"Ohh. I love coke. Tee-hee," the girl squeaked, her head going side to side while an index finger twisted deep into her chipmunk cheek.
"Who's the bimbo?" De Niro asked, his rubber like face appraising the blonde girl.
"This bimbo, I'll have you know, is Britney Spears," the mousy man huffed. He paused, "Er, you're Robert de Niro!"
"No shit, Sherlock. Britney Spears, eh? Name's familiar. She's the one with the floating breast size, right?"
"Er... say hi to Mr. De Niro, Britney."
"Hi. Tee-hee. I'm a virgin."
Harry Butts spoke up. "So, what are we going to do about this? We can't very well have Coke and Pepsi on the same shoot."
Roger Corman coughed. "Why not?"
Both producers looked at him, "What do you mean?"
"De Niro?"
"You talkin' to me?"
"Do you dance?"
"Dance?! What do you think I am, some kind of fl..." De Niro's voice faded as he stalked off, arms waving wildly in the air.
Britney Spears was quite philosophical. "Tee-hee. I'm a virgin."
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"You gentlemen look a lot better than last time we did this."
"Shut up, Steele, and let's get on with it."
"Tight underwear, Mr. Scorsese?"
"Huh?"
"Lights. We pick up Episode Three in the year 1531. King Joao III, or John, appoints Martine de Sousa as Governor of the New World. The appointment is met with such favour that the local shipwrights donate 10 sloops and the services of a Conquistador named de Abreau. The whole bundle sails west. Next time we cut to them, several months later, they are locked in a fierce naval battle with some Caribbean pirates, off the coast of Guadeloupe. The Portuguese are victorious. Next, we cut to Dalmatia and the suppression of a series of peasant revolts."
"These peasant revolts are growing rather tedious, Steele."
"Just think of them as management - union trouble, sir, with the army playing the part of management."
"Ohhh. I like that."
"I thought you would. Next, we go to Piemonte where the peasants succeed in defeating the local army and talking over the province..."
"Steele!"
"Well, you can't win every strike, Mr. Carpenter. Troops are commissioned in Provence. As we enter the year 1532 we cut to Lisbon, where representatives from Genoa, the Papal States and the Knights attempt to convince King John to join their war against Austria, Savoy, Baden, Pommern, Bohemia and Tuscany. The King declines, his decision based on self-survival. As you can see, though, the foreign envoys are rather pissed."
"Were they drinking?"
"It's a figure of speech, Mr. Carpenter. From Lisbon we head back across the Atlantic to witness the successful construction of a Trade Post in Gaspesie. From there we jump to Acadie as it receives Colonial City status. It is now 1533 and the army is reformed, so to speak. We cut to Piemonte to witness the destruction of the rebels, then swish pan to Lisbon as Genoa and the Papal States ask Portugal to rejoin their alliance. King John III agrees, as the war with Austria is over. To finish the year we cut to Rio Grande as a merchant ship disgorges its passengers, who in turn set up a lemonade stand for the locals."
"They had lemonade back then, Steele?"
"Of course, Mr. Penn, along with Rice Krispies and marmalade."
"Are you making fun of me, Steele?"
"I wouldn't dream of it, Mr. Penn."
"Hey, Steele, the guy with the robes and long beard looks awfully familiar."
"That's Donald Sutherland, Mr. Smithee. He plays a Saint. As you can see, he's preaching in some square in Lisbon. Ultimately, he performs a miracle that manages to settle the population for several months."
"A Saint? I hope we're not getting into some hocus-pocus stuff, Steele. Besides, everyone knows that Roger Moore should play him."
"My mistake. As we fade away from Sutherland, we fade into a group of military engineers discussing advanced methods of warfare with King John. After that, the years from 1535 to 1537 are comprised primarily of a montage of revolts in exotic places like Piemonte and Ionia. There's a subplot that covers the eradication of corruption in the Portuguese court, and another that deals with the failure of the Holy Inquisition to take root."
"Why, Steele? I was looking forward to torture and stuff like that."
"Well, Mr. Scorsese, it was a combination of political correctness, and the fact that Chris Walken was a little too keen to come back from the dead as Torquemada and reprise the role. I'm not sure what was chillier. Anyway, during the summer of 1536 Table becomes a Colonial City. Table, if you remember, is located on the southern tip of Africa, and not something you can have appraised on the Antiques Roadshow. From the fledgling colony in Table, we cut to Genoa and a Marriage of State between the Genoese and Portuguese peoples. Now we fade to 1538 and feature a plot that involves two feuding families."
"We're not going to do 'Romeo and Juliet', are we? I hope you don't go Shakespeare on us, Steele."
"No fear, Mr. Penn. The feud is settled with a large cash settlement from the Portuguese treasury. Think 'Arthur Anderson'. Next, we cut to the year 1539, and the introduction of a delegation from the Aztec nation."
"Oh, great! Does that mean we get to see human sacrifice and cannibalism, Steele?"
Steele shrugged, "You don't need the Aztecs for that, Mr. Carpenter, just watch the Parliament Channel."
"Point taken. Ah, why are the guys in the funny feathered outfits jumping around and screaming?"
"Well, sir, they've been insulted by the King in front of all the other European delegates. Relations become strained between Portugal and the Aztecs, while Europe begins to wonder about the sanity of King John."
"What do you mean by 'questioning the sanity', Steele? Are you saying that the King will go nuts? Does that mean he'll tattoo himself, spout bad poetry and terrorize families?"
"Naw, any Rap artist now a days does that. It will be something more original. Anyway, we reach the year 1540 and meet the acquaintance of yet another conquistador. This one goes by the name of Mem de Sa. He's played by Scott Bakula."
"Bakula? Isn't he the Enterprise captain who can't fight worth a lick?"
"The very same, sir. After his departure from the port of Lisbon, we cut to a couple more Royal Marriages, one with Serbia and the other with Bavaria."
"These Portuguese are sowing their oats rather globally, don't you think?"
"Yes, sir. The women of Portugal are a randy bunch. After the festivities, we cut to the island of Curacao as it achieves Colonial City status, then finish up with a Heretical uprising in Fez, followed by its ultimate demise. Any questions?"
"Yeah. What happens with de Niro?"
"Just wait and see, sir. Lights."
