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Lord Durham

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coz1: Yes, Kelly MacDonald. A fine specimen indeed. Pesci will be around, don't worry ;)

SM: And I love it when you pick out those little nuggets :D

Carligula: Thanks, there's more Walken coming. I'm having fun with him and Shatner. :)

Rictus: That video has won a hockey sock full of awards, young Jedi. It's rather refreshing to watch afte

KoNr viewing all those angst-ridden videos that pollute the music channels nowadays. Ever notice in rap videos how everyone has to look down at the camera, wear baggy clothes and point a lot? Is this a law, or something?

Norgesvenn: 'The Usual Suspects' is one of the greatest movies ever made. Period. Kevin Spacey deserved the OscAAR for his role as Verbal Kint. :cool:

RJ: Thanks. :) It's been a while since I've been referred to as a sick, sick man. :D


I hope to have another installment up today.
 
Last edited:

unmerged(6777)

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Originally posted by Lord Durham
RJ: Thanks. :) It's been a while since I've been referred to as a sick, sick man. :D
Not true! I call you a sick, sick man all the time. I just rarely say it out loud. :D
 

Lord Durham

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Jack Shit Studios


"Roquefort! Smithee here. How's the music coming? Time's running tight and I need something for The Boss... no, not Springsteen, you idiot, the guy upstairs. What? God? No, moron, the Head Honcho, the Big Cheese, the Grand Wahooli, King Biscuit... yeah, him... OK... uh-huh... uh-huh... Jerry Goldsmith? Period music? Yeah, that's the ticket... now you're on the right track... uh-huh... I'm sure you'll do your breast... what? Trixie? Yeah, she just walked in... how the hell did you know? Anyway, gotta go." Smithee slammed the phone down. "Hmmph. Roquefort must have heard you enter."

"Well, he does have a rather good ear, sir."

"Right. What you got for me today?"

The secretary dropped a stack of phone messages on his desk, "These are marketing representatives from a variety of corporations and companies, sir. It appears a lot of people are taking interest in the mini-series."

Smithee grabbed the stack and rifled through it. "Coca-Cola, Taco-Bell, Tim Horton's MacDonalds, Nike, Gap, Wendy's, Shoals, Playtex, Trojan..." He dropped them. "Very impressive." He shook his head, slowly, "Honestly, at times I don't know what I'd do without you, Trixie."

"Well, someone around here needs to keep you straight, sir, and I think I'm just the girl to do it." She walked out the door.

Smithee shifted uncomfortably, "No shit."


Back Lot Stage

Christopher Walken stood off to the side, dressed in the lavish robes of his character, Tomás de Torquemada. He was shouting into a cellphone. All around him the set was a chaotic scene of people as they rushed back and forth, each performing their own little unionized function.

"Look, Charlie, do I really have to do this? Why? The flying scenes? What about them? They had to re-shoot? Well... excuse me. Yeah... uh-huh... uh-huh... yeah... but, I feel so stupid... uh-huh... uh-huh... obligation? What the fu... uh-huh... uh-huh... well, if you insist... what? Be professional? I'm always professional! Uh-huh... OK... right... bye."

The director approached Walken. "We're ready for you."

The actor rolled his eyes, "Do I really have to do this?"

"Think of it as another feather in your acting cap, Mr. Walken. Besides, from the way I hear it, you have no choice."

"All right. Let's get this over with."

"Over here, then. Stand in front of this mural, like so." The director stood back and appraised the actor. "The costume's good. You must really be evil in that show. It drips off you."

"If we don't do this quick, I'll show you evil."

"Right. Brenda, the product, if you please. Thank you. Here Mr. Walken, hold this up and read the teleprompter, over there by the camera. Look menacing."

"Bite me."

"Come on, be a man about it."

"Bit me, asshole."

The director stepped back to the camera. "Quiet on the set. Roll camera. Action.

"Hi. I'm Tomás de Torquemada. Like you, I deal in blood. But, unlike you, I force confessions, instead of offering them. How did I find myself in such an important position? I pulled strings. Speaking of pulling strings, the next time you find yourself in an unenviable situation, verging on total embarrassment, make sure you have a ready supply of Tampax. Available individually, or by the box. Tampax, for those times when you just have to... hide the evidence..."

"Cut! Bloody good, Christopher, bloody good."


Jack Shit Studios


"Trixie?"

"Yes, Mr. Smithee?"

"Can you take these reports up to The Boss?"

"Of course I can, sir."

"Thanks. Be careful, he's in a cranky mood today."

"Not a problem, I'll straighten the old pecker out."

Turner Smithee rolled his eyes.


Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room

"Gentlemen, before I begin, Mr. Scorsese has asked me to pass along an announcement. After today's screening, he will be hosting a round table discussion on the artistic merits of Ed Wood. Everyone is invited... Lights."

Steele waited while the Suits hunkered down into their plush viewing seats, then began, "OK. We fade into the year 1505 and the arrival of a colony ship to the newly discovered territory of Les Cayes. At this point we do a montage of events that trace the growth of the colony, and the attempts by the Portuguese merchants to set up shop in Mobile, Penobscot, Massachusetts, and Acadie. We jump ahead to the year 1507, then cut to the successful opening of a weapons manufactory in Macedonia. Then we jump back to the ongoing colonisation efforts."

"What kind of weapons manufactory, Steele?"

"I'm not 100% sure, Mr. Carpenter, though I'm pretty certain it's not nuclear. In 1509 we cut to Tago, and the arrival of an explorer named Correos, played by Lou Diamond Phillips. There are a few scenes at court, and then he boards ship to sail west. We jump back to the New World and deal with the colonisation of Tortuga, and watch as trading posts are established in Matagorda, Wabana, Placentia and Gander."

"Wabana? Where do you get these names, Steele?"

"I make them up, sir. Anyway, it is now 1510 and a colony has been founded in Barahona. At this point we cut to Vasco de Gama as he lays dying in the forgotten swamps of the Bayou."

"I've been to the Bayou, Steele, you're right about the swamps."

"Shutup, Scorsese."

"Thank you, sir. In 1512 Portugal arranges two royal marriages, one with Savoy and the other with Genoa, then we follow the King as he leaves the reception, and enters a room full of determined men. After several scenes of tense dialogue, we fade to Fez, and a Portuguese army going through maneuvers."

"Do I smell a rat, Steele?"

"I'm not sure, Mr. Penn. I had the place fumigated earlier this week. I'll look into it. Now we cut to the Bayou as it opens a center of trade, a place for the various people of the world to come and do business."

"All I see are Portuguese traders, Steele."

"Right. It takes a while for word to get out, sir. You'll duly note how the celebration over the mercantile success contrasts nicely with the next scene. We cut to Morocco as they receive a declaration of war from King John III."

"Who is that?"

"He's rules Portugal. Haven't you been following this?"

"No, Steele. The actor, on the screen, who is that?"

"Oh. That's John Rhys Davies. He plays the Moroccan Sultan. Looks good, doesn't he? Anyway, we have several scenes where Davies meets with his allies, Algiers and Tunisia..."

"I knew a Tunisia once, she danced at the House of Lancaster..."

"Like we care, Penn. Carry on, Steele."

"Thank you, Mr. Smithee. We finish up the sequence as the infidel soldiers prepare for war. Meanwhile, we cut back to Lisbon and King John III. It's obvious he's in a rage. It turns out that Spain refuses to honour the treaty, leaving Portugal on her own. As the year draws to an end, the Portuguese are invited to join an alliance consisting of Genoa, the Papal States, Hungary, Milan, and the Knights..."

"Who the hell are the Knights?"

"Haven't we had this discussion already, sir? If I may continue, the new alliance is at war with a coalition consisting of Poland, Lithuania, the Teutonic Order, Bavaria, and Hessen. Almost immediately, the Portuguese diplomats set out to involve themselves in intense negotiations. Before long, they have arranged a neutral peace with the Teutonic Order. As we slip into the year 1513, another peace agreement is signed with Poland, but as the King celebrates, news arrives that a Moroccan army has invaded Fez."

"Finally. Do we get to see big, lavish battle scenes, Steele?"

"Yes, sir."

"Oh, goody."

"Try to compose yourself, Mr. Scorsese. As you can see, the two armies face each other across the North African plains. Some of the footage here is rough, but the battle will last for some time, with the Portuguese army coming out victorious. However, another army consisting of Algerians and Moroccans follow up and succeed in defeating the Portuguese, forcing their retreat from Fez. As we linger over the Infidel victory and their subsequent siege of Fez, we fade out."

"Is that it?"

"No, sir. When we fade in, its to watch the landing of 4,000 Moorish cavalry in Granada, and their subsequent battle with the Portuguese army of occupation. The Moors lose. Meanwhile, back in Fez, we pick up the recuperated and reinforced Portuguese army as it engages the enemy. There is another huge, panoramic battle, resulting in a decisive Portuguese victory. At this point we jump back to King John, and his reaction to the news of victory, then cut to the army as it enters Toubkal. It defeats the remnants of the Moroccan army, then lays siege to the capital city of Marrakech."

"Marrakech? Sounds familiar. Wasn't it named after the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song?"

"I think so, sir. Next, we fade to the Vatican and the events that lead to the momentous signing of the Treaty of Tordesillas, then..."

"The treaty of what?"

"Tordesillas, sir. They're served in Mexican restaurants along with refried beans. Anyway, after the t's have been crossed, and the I's dotted, we cut back to Marrakech where the Portuguese envoys sign a peace treaty with Morocco. The war ends and Portugal gains a bit of money."

"You mean the war's over, and no gains? What was that all about, Steele?"

"The writers wanted to illustrate that not all war is successful, sir. This was an instance of underestimating the opponent, and overestimating the loyalty of their ally, in this instance, Spain. This part of the mini-series is an exquisite commentary on the meaning of life, honour, trust and faith."

"I have to take a piss. Anyone else need to take a piss?"
 

unmerged(6777)

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You really do slay me with some of these.

1. I thought you most emphatically said that it wasn't Penn that night... ;)

2. Is anyone else old enough to get the CSNY joke? I hope so...it's a howler.

3. You certainly are doing your breast at this. Why is it that every other section I have an urge to sit up ramrod straight? :D

4. Christopher Walken doing a Tampax commercial? You're a sick, sick man! Funny as hell, but seriously deranged. :eek:

*******

Jack Shit Studios - Meeting Room after the screening

"....yeah, yeah, yeah. But besides Depp's awesome performance what else did Burton have going for him?"

"Well Martin Landau stole the show in my mind."

"Mind? You call that pathetic excuse for a lump of gray matter a mind? Get real man."

"I'm too young to have seen that one. Did S.J.P. bare all?"

"Get your filthy mid off her jugs you sorry dope-head bastard. You should be so lucky! Anyway, it's Arquette's tits that splash all over the screen - and a mighty big splash it was, I can tell you."

"So what was it about?"

"About? Well, nobody's really sure but it was a hell of a flick."

"I thought everyone had agreed it was about making B movies."

"Screw you, jerk. Only a moron would think it's that shallow. It was about fame, the lives of the underpaid, the trials and tribulations of..."

"I thought it was about a certifiable lunatic who should have been locked up and had about a gazillion volts rammed through his brain."

"Electroshock's a thing of the past, sir."

"Well it's time for it to make a comeback!"

"Radiation. You hear the most outrageous nonesense. A bunch of gobbledibox dogooders spreading a lot of pernicious nonesense about how radiation is bad for you. Everyone could stand a hundred chest X-rays a year. Oughtta get 'em too."

"Very nice, Mr. Scorsese; but I thought we were talking about Ed Wood, not Repo Man."

"Well, it's my favourite quote."

"Yeah; but it's from the wrong movie..."
 

Peter Ebbesen

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Originally posted by Lord Durham

"Hi. I'm Tomás de Torquemada. Like you, I deal in blood. But, unlike you, I force confessions, instead of offering them. How did I find myself in such an important position? I pulled strings. Speaking of pulling strings, the next time you find yourself in an unenviable situation, verging on total embarrassment, make sure you have a ready supply of Tampax. Available individually, or by the box. Tampax, for those times when you just have to... hide the evidence..."
One extra vote for placing Lord Durham in the sick, sick man category.

Thumbs up. :)

What's next? Jean Reno selling kleenex?
 

unmerged(4004)

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i'll third the sick sick man vote.

but now we know where tampons came from. an instrument of torture from the spanish inquisition.
 

kurtbrian

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fifth? :D

And I agree with everybody else

Its really great!
 

unmerged(6777)

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"Whoa...keep thsoe badgers undre conrtol Trixie. You've gto four fo them now."

"You been playing MP EU II Dikc?"

"Yush."

"Og home and gte some slepe. You're pissde."

"You're nto doign so well yoursefl sir."

"Right."
 

Norgesvenn

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Didn't know drinking was contageous. ;)

Anyway, you are indeed sick, LD. :D
 

unmerged(7996)

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LD,

Excellent set of updates since I was gone.:) I love what you have been doing with Walken.:)

Hmmm....now...if only you could bring in the guy from Army of Darkness...Bruce Campbell?...I can't remember....lots of great lines from that movie though...I won't bother you with them all...my favourite:

Bad Ash Double: I'm Bad Ash and you're Good Ash...little goodie two shoes...little goodie two shoes...

Ash: Good...Bad...I'm the guy with the gun. *places shotgun muzzle against Bad Ash's head and pulls trigger.*


Oh...and one other....

Ash: You ain't leadin' but two things right now....Jack and Shit. And Jack just left town.
 

unmerged(6121)

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Knock, knock. Here's the list you asked for Mr.S.
Huh ... list, what list .... I didn't ask for any list Trixie
Of course you did Mr.T, you just forgot about it. You poor thing. So much work and no fun. I bet I could cheer you up if only you would stop working for a few minutes. My god, are you feeling ok Mr. S, you're turning purple again like the other day. Huh? oh I get it, the door. I'll go then.

Cast
(in order of appearance)

D. João I.....................................................Antonio Banderas
D. Filipa de Lencastre (Lancaster)....................Elizabeth Hurley
D. Nuno Álvares "Pereira"................................Gabriel Byrne
Diogo de Silves.............................................Jeremy Irons
Gil Eanes.....................................................Sean Bean
D. Duarte....................................................Armand Assante
D. Leonor of Aragon......................................Wynona Ryder
Álvaro Vaz d'Almada, Count of "Avranches"........Liam Neeson
D. Afonso V.................................................Edward Norton
D. Isabel, wife of D. Afonso V.........................Julia Roberts
Infante D. Pedro, Duke of (Coitus) Coimbra........James Coburn
Ottoman Sultan............................................Omar Shariff
Missionary #1..............................................Gene Hackman
Fernando Pó................................................Tim Curry
Diogo Cão....................................................Freddie Prinze Jr
D. João II....................................................Tim Roth
Tomás de Torquemada (Tomass de Tomato)......Christopher Walken
Pero da Covilhã............................................William Shatner
Bartolomeu Dias............................................Alan Rickman
D. Isabel, the "Catholic".................................Sigourney Weaver
D. Fernando, the "Catholic".............................Robin Williams
Christopher Columbus....................................Gérard Dépardieu
D. Manuel I..................................................Julian Arahanga
D. Isabel, wife #1 of D. Manuel........................Salma Hayek
D. Maria, wife #2 of D. Manuel.........................Kelly MacDonald
D. Leonor, wife #3 of D. Manuel.......................Chloe Sevigny
Vasco da Gama.............................................Joaquim de Almeida
D. Francisco de "Almeida"................................?
D. Afonso de "Albuquerque".............................?
Correos.......................................................Lou Diamond Phillips
Moroccan Sultan...........................................John Rhys Davies

Special Appereances

Scott Cameo................................................Mel Gibson
?................................................................Charlton Heston

Jack Shit Studios

Turner Smithee.............................................Executive Producer
Dick Steele..................................................Turner's assistant
Trixie..........................................................Turner's secretary

Carpenter....................................................Advising
Scorcese.....................................................Advising

Sam............................................................Head writer
Flo, Woody, Pansie, Chip, Jim-Bob.....................Writers team

Clyde Lipshitz................................................CGI
Harry Nobowski..............................................CGI

Singer..........................................................Director #1



To be continued ...
 

Secret Master

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I will put my vote in as well for the sick, sick, man category. Having been away from the forum (for the most part) all weekend, I return to find disturbing images run amok.

Still, I wonder who is the sicker man. The writer, or the reader who follows his scribbling with devotion.... :D
 

Storey

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Originally posted by MrT
You really do slay me with some of these.


4. Christopher Walken doing a Tampax commercial? You're a sick, sick man! Funny as hell, but seriously deranged. :eek:

I agree I think we need to call the authorities before this madman can escape. Making Christopher Walken do a Tampax commercial shows a great imagination coupled with a deranged misconception of the morals that have made Canada great. I will never again look at a Canadian again in the same way. I have a higher opinion of them now. Actually with the number of insanely funny Canadians that have come south of the border to entertain us Americans I shouldn’t be surprised that there still are a few madmen up there. :D Bravo LD. Take a bow.;)

Joe
 

Lord Durham

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MrT: Why thank you, I think... Once again, you've started a trend. Sick, am I? I'll show you sick! :D

Peter E: Perpetuating the sickness thing, are we? I like the Reno idea... ;)

KoN/Rictus: You two in on the voting too, eh?

Kurtbrian: And you? It was just a commercial, fer crissakes!! :D

Norg: Sober yet? ;)

BAckpack: I watched AoD last night. Got the... wait for it... Director's Cut DVD, complete with alternate, original ending. Where do you think the name of my studios came from? :) And yes, Mr. Campbell will have a part, for sure. After all, he's always in Sam Raimi's movies, along with the Chevy, and Sam wants so desperately to work on this project.

Nuno Remedio: Great work, sir. You missed Mr. Penn, and Ridley Scott. Looks like I have a couple of holes to fill...

CR: From U that's a compliment. ;)

SM: I have to admit that when I wrote it, I wondered if it would be too 'over the top'.

Storey: Wow. Thanks, Joe. It's appreciated. A good portion of Canadian humour is dry in a British sort of way, and very self-depreciating. Perhaps that's why it works so well in 'Merica, you're not all that familiar with it. But then again, I'm probably full of sh*t. :D


In truth, I really wasn't sure how that bit with Walken would be received. Thanks for the great comments. I hope to have an update tomorrow sometime.

EDIT: In re-reading this I realized that I erred when I said that MrT began the silly rumour that I was sick. Indeed, it was the indominatable Rath Jones... bite me :D
 
Last edited:

Sharur

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I don't care if you're sick or what, LD, the Tampax commerical was the funniest thing I've read in ages :D

MrT: did you do another MP aar while I was gone? *gives a disapproving look*
 

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Originally posted by Sharur
I don't care if you're sick or what, LD, the Tampax commerical was the funniest thing I've read in ages :D

MrT: did you do another MP aar while I was gone? *gives a disapproving look*
Yup. Lord Durham and I took on a mad Brit (Rictus) and a crazy Norweigan (Norg.) in a fun-filled day of getting hammered and watching the game crash. The last time it took more than an hour for one of us to notice. :D

LD: The studio on summer break or something? Must be Milk & Cookies time again. ;)
 

Carolus Rex

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Well, it's a good thing u stopped copy pasting famous novels, now ur copy pasting from film scripts and taping conversations in film studios. :D

(Update!)
 

unmerged(6603)

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I just read this through from the beginning. Great writing... very funny bits. I would make a wise-crack or two, but it is damn near 3 in the morning, and I just got home from 2 hours of ice hockey, so I am going to bed...

certainly will follow though!