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That.... was.... reallly.... great.... LD..... Putting... William... Shatner.... in...the... series.... as .....an...explorer...
Now I remember the name Lipschitz from university. Some mathematical lemma or theorem.
We all thought it was an acronym for verbal diarrhoea
We all thought it was an acronym for verbal diarrhoea
Fantastic. You know, this just keeps getting better and better. Toooooooo funny!
Perhaps you could use Jean Reno as a deep sea diver? He was great as Enzo in the Big Blue.
Perhaps you could use Jean Reno as a deep sea diver? He was great as Enzo in the Big Blue.
Most entertaining AAR i've read. How about including a Portuguese actor used in Hollywood movies btw ? Joaquim de Almeida played the evil former Cuban intelligence officer now on drug lord's service in Clear and Present Danger.
Alternatively, for Art & Essay movies freaks give an action er sorry dialogue scene to shoot at Manuel de Oliveira His most "actionesque" film was about Portugal history.
Alternatively, for Art & Essay movies freaks give an action er sorry dialogue scene to shoot at Manuel de Oliveira
His most "actionesque" film was about Portugal history.
Yeah, definately a hernia, cause it sprang up again due to all the laughing. Deary me *chuckles*. Hehehehe.
What can be said that hasn't already been posted? This is great!
You've come up with the perfect role for Walken. Creepy. I'm flashing back to his interrogation of Dennis Hopper in "True Romance".
Thanks for the screen shots! They really do help those of us who didn't remember where Damman was?
You've come up with the perfect role for Walken. Creepy. I'm flashing back to his interrogation of Dennis Hopper in "True Romance".
Thanks for the screen shots! They really do help those of us who didn't remember where Damman was?
Smithee had just put down his phone when Trixie walked into his office with the morning mail. Her high heels, which somehow seemed higher today clicked on the floor with each long stride from her longer than usual legs which climbed all the way up to her shorter than ever mini skirt. As she bent over to put the mail on his desk he noticed that her tighter than usual sweater still housed those two infamous competing badgers. She smiled and turned to leave and as he sat there watching her a question arose in his mind. He wondered if Trixie was a real blond or a bleach blond?
I have to know LD. Could you ask Dick and find out for me?
Joe
I have to know LD. Could you ask Dick and find out for me?
Joe
Originally posted by heagarty
What can be said that hasn't already been posted? This is great!
You've come up with the perfect role for Walken. Creepy. I'm flashing back to his interrogation of Dennis Hopper in "True Romance".
Thanks for the screen shots! They really do help those of us who didn't remember where Damman was?
Ditto what heagarty said for me.
Originally posted by Storey
He wondered if Trixie was a real blond or a bleach blond?
I have to know LD. Could you ask Dick and find out for me?
Oh, let's be honest with ourselves, Storey. You want to find out for yourself!
I might myself, but I think I would get distracted by the badgers...
Simply amazing LD, I just read the entire thing in one sitting. I do have a question though are we going to see repeats of some actors if the supply runs dry?
RJ
RJ
And when are we going to see some indie talent? Parker Posey? Martin Donovan? You can't do an entire miniseries on this kind of budget...
Duuk: Thanks. I'm glad it's giving you a chuckle or two...
SM: Stay tuned
Lionheart :One of my all time favourite surnames...
MrT: Reno is like a fine wine. He has to be introduced at the right time...
DuquedeBraganca: Thanks very much for your comments and the high praise. I think you'll like the next post.
kurtbrian : Thank you.
Rictus: Don't sue me... understand?
heagarty: Repeat youself all you want, I don't mind There's a bit of Walken coming up... just a bit...
Storey: Great bit, you horny bugger. I did some editing, just for you.
Backpack: Ditto back...
SM: I think you nailed it on the head with Joe. The man's in lust...
RJ: Thanks for reading it through. As for repeats, some of the actors have already called about future cameos, but for the most part the phones still ringing off the hook.
Prufrock451: You're right. Good idea. I'll see who's interested...
Bismarck: Agreed.
I hope to have a post up later tonight. Thanks for all the encouraging comments. I have to admit that this is a blast to write.
SM: Stay tuned
Lionheart :One of my all time favourite surnames...
MrT: Reno is like a fine wine. He has to be introduced at the right time...
DuquedeBraganca: Thanks very much for your comments and the high praise. I think you'll like the next post.
kurtbrian : Thank you.
Rictus: Don't sue me... understand?
heagarty: Repeat youself all you want, I don't mind
There's a bit of Walken coming up... just a bit...Storey: Great bit, you horny bugger. I did some editing, just for you.
Backpack: Ditto back...
SM: I think you nailed it on the head with Joe. The man's in lust...
RJ: Thanks for reading it through. As for repeats, some of the actors have already called about future cameos, but for the most part the phones still ringing off the hook.
Prufrock451: You're right. Good idea. I'll see who's interested...
Bismarck: Agreed.
I hope to have a post up later tonight. Thanks for all the encouraging comments. I have to admit that this is a blast to write.
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If the budget becomes a problem I'm sure Roger Corman is available.
"Steele! The Spanish soldiers in this scene are all naked women riding motorcycles!"
"Yes, Mr. Smithee. Is that a problem?"
"Um... no."
"Steele! The Spanish soldiers in this scene are all naked women riding motorcycles!"
"Yes, Mr. Smithee. Is that a problem?"
"Um... no."
Jack Shit Studios
"Here's your coffee, Mr. Smithee," Trixie announced as she entered his office carrying a steamy mug. Tucked under her other arm was several folders, and a trade paper.
Turner Smithee smiled, once again admiring the extremely long, shapely legs that disappeared somewhere under the short mini-skirt. "You're acting rather chipper this morning, Trixie. You're walking with a certain... bounce in your step. I have to say, I had no idea your legs were so long. They must go on forever."
"Of course they don't, silly. The meet at my..."
"Beautiful day today, eh Trixie? Say, have you confirmed my flight with Delta?"
"Delta? I thought you wanted US Airways."
"Huh? Oh, sorry. Yeah, US Airways. Can you get me the Travel Blond? Boy, I'm sure looking forward to Bermuda and the Bleach."
"Mr. Smithee?"
"Trixie?"
"What are you talking about? What's a Travel Blond? Where will you find Bleach in Bermuda? Honestly, I think your mind's on more than work. Maybe you could use a rest." The secretary set down the mug, the files and the tabloid. "Have you seen the paper yet, sir?"
Turner scratched his head and chose his words carefully. "Not really. You just delivered it."
"Tee-hee. Silly me. Dick says I'd forget my clothes if he wasn't around to remind me to put them on. Is there anything else, sir? Sir? Mr. Smithee, are you OK? Oh dear. Did the coffee go down the wrong way? You know, you really have to be careful how you swallow, sir. That's what Dick always tells me. Oh you poor dear, you're choking again, and you didn't even drink this time. Can I get you a glass of water? You're kind of turning purple sir... Huh? You're waving your hand at the door... you want me to leave? Ok, I'll go. Just call if you need anything else. Ta for now."
Jack Shit Studios - Trixie's Desk
"Oh, good morning, Dick."
"Good morning, Trixie. The boss in?"
"He's in, but he's not feeling so good."
"Oh? How so?"
"Well, he keeps choking. I'm not sure what it is. The poor darling's so fragile, I just hope it's nothing serious."
"Well, I have news that should make him feel better."
"What's that?"
"Special Effects called me first thing. They've finished with Episode One. All we need is the music score and we're all set."
"That's great, Dick."
"Yeah, and I have some casting confirmations. We have a Portuguese actor by the name of Joaquim de Almeida playing Vasco de Gama, Julian Arahanga as King Manuel I..."
"Who are they?"
"Well, Joaquim played Colonel Felix Cortez in Clear and Present Danger, and Julian played Apoc in Matrix. As Queen Isabel we've signed Salma Hayek."
Trixie's green eyes flared. "Hayek? I remember before we started dating that you said you had a thing for her, didn't you?" She pouted.
"Er, that was then. Yeah. That was then. Right now my thing is only for you."
"Make sure it stays that way. If I catch you so much as glancing at her, I'll scratch her eyes out and mount 'em on Velcro."
"Let me make it up to you."
"Oh, all right. But we really must set aside some time for sleep."
On Location
"OK, Bill, this scene is very crucial to the whole native - Portuguese relationship. There has been a misunderstanding, and you must try to maintain the peace."
"No - problem."
"Good. Let's get ready, people," Ridley Scott shouted. The set became a flurry of motion as Set Decorators, Make up Specialists and Property Masters scurried about, making last minute changes and additions.
William Shatner waited patiently as his makeup was touched, then a prop man stuck a gun in his hands. He looked it over, his face full of curiosity. "What - is - this?"
"It's a match-lock, Bill, an early arquebus. A gun." The Property Master explained.
"Oh. I'm - used - to - smaller - weapons."
"Well, not this time, Tiberius." The prop man walked out of the scene, and the crew took their places.
Scott cried, "Quiet. Cue background! Roll film! Action!"
"Listen - to me. You - must - under - stand! We - don't - want - war! We - want - peace! But - if you - persist - in your attacks - we - will - have - no - alternative - but - to defend ourselves."
"Begone, grey hair!"
"Right! Gentlemen - matchlocks - on stun!"
"CUT"
"KHHAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!"
"Shatner! Shut up!"
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"Lights! OK, gentlemen, here's today's rushes, hot off the press. We begin in the year 1495 with the death of King John II, and the coronation of his cousin Manuel I."
"Who's the young brat with the crown?"
"His name's Julian Arahanga, and he was in a movie called The Matrix. You may have heard of it. Made a shitload of money. Anyway, we cut to 1496 and his marriage to Isabel, daughter of Queen Isabella of Spain."
"Say, isn't that Salma Hayek?"
"It is."
"Dear God, I'm getting a woody."
"Shutup, Scorsese. At your age you wouldn't know a woody if it sat in your lap and sang Blue Velvet. Carry on, Steele."
"We spend some time in Biloxi as it grows into a prospering town, dealing with the local Indian tribes, then cut back to Tago and the introduction of Camoens, a conquistador. He sets sail westward. We follow his journey and fade to a landing on Curacao, where he sets out to build up the fledgling colony that Portugal established there some time ago. From there we fade back to Tago and the introduction of Vasco De Gama, another explorer. De Gama is played by a Portuguese actor named Joaquim de Almeida. He appeared in Clear and Present Danger."
"When do we get back to Salma? Does she have any nude scenes?"
"I wish... to remind you that this is a prime time show, so the long answer is, no. Instead, we take you back to the island of Dominica as the first Portuguese settlers arrive to establish a village. The years 1498 and 1499 deal with more colony expansion, except for the introduction of a conquistador named Albequerque."
"Funny naming someone after a city in New Mexico, Steele. Couldn't the writers come up with something a little more realistic?"
"Perhaps the city was named after him, Carpenter!" Smithee barked. "Radical thought, but who knows."
Steele cleared his throat. "Actually, Albequerque was founded and named by Francisco Vasquez de Coronado in 1540. Anyway, in the year 1500 we are introduced to a conquistador named Almeida, and an explorer named Cabral."
"Christ, you young whippersnapper, this is piss boring. Who gives a rats ass about pompadours and explorers. We need action. Action, Steele, action!"
"Sit down, mom." Scorsese hushed. "You're embarrassing me. That's better. Here's your comforter."
"Thank you, sir," Steele said. "I didn't know your mom was here. I didn't see her."
"That's because she's 95 years old and about three feet tall. Keep talking, Steele."
"Well, during 1500 the Portuguese run afoul of the Ottoman Empire and the Omans when they enforce their hold on the Spice Trade. Relations worsen because of that. Note the fine bit of acting from Julian as King Manuel I."
"Note the rack on Salma, Steele. To hell with the King."
"Behave, Penn. Let's move this along, Steele."
"Thank you, Mr. Smithee. We quickly deal with the death of Bartholomew Diaz, and cut to the introduction of Migual and Gaspard Real, two additional explorers. From there we fade to Spain and the renewal of an alliance between them and Portugal."
"Who's the guy flying around in the background?"
"Where?"
"There!"
"Christ. I don't believe it. You're right. There is someone flying around back there. It looks like... It is, it's Christopher Walken. He must have found a harness." Steele put his hands on his hips. "That man's been incorrigible since he cut that video last year. You know, the one that garnered all those awards. Christ. We'll have to re-shoot the whole sequence. Now, where was I? Let's see, Biloxi becomes a colonial city at the tail end of 1500, and in early 1501 Guadeloupe is successfully colonised. Miguel de Corte Real discovers Table, and De Gama..."
"Table? Real discovered a table? So what? Was it an antique? What's so special about a bleeding table?"
"Table is a country in South Africa, sir. It's a name, not an antique. Next we cut to De Gama and his discovery of Anticosti. In both cases a trader is dispa..."
"Anticosti? Isn't that..."
"With all due respect, sir, you're going to miss the declaration of war."
"Oh, really? I'll behave."
"Thank you. To recap quickly, traders are dispatched to the two new Portuguese discoveries, then we cut back to the Spanish capital where Isabella and Ferdinand, together with Manuel and Isabel, declare war on Aragon and England. Portugal is once again in conflict, and..."
"Hey, is that Walken flying around in the background?"
"Lights!"
"Here's your coffee, Mr. Smithee," Trixie announced as she entered his office carrying a steamy mug. Tucked under her other arm was several folders, and a trade paper.
Turner Smithee smiled, once again admiring the extremely long, shapely legs that disappeared somewhere under the short mini-skirt. "You're acting rather chipper this morning, Trixie. You're walking with a certain... bounce in your step. I have to say, I had no idea your legs were so long. They must go on forever."
"Of course they don't, silly. The meet at my..."
"Beautiful day today, eh Trixie? Say, have you confirmed my flight with Delta?"
"Delta? I thought you wanted US Airways."
"Huh? Oh, sorry. Yeah, US Airways. Can you get me the Travel Blond? Boy, I'm sure looking forward to Bermuda and the Bleach."
"Mr. Smithee?"
"Trixie?"
"What are you talking about? What's a Travel Blond? Where will you find Bleach in Bermuda? Honestly, I think your mind's on more than work. Maybe you could use a rest." The secretary set down the mug, the files and the tabloid. "Have you seen the paper yet, sir?"
Turner scratched his head and chose his words carefully. "Not really. You just delivered it."
"Tee-hee. Silly me. Dick says I'd forget my clothes if he wasn't around to remind me to put them on. Is there anything else, sir? Sir? Mr. Smithee, are you OK? Oh dear. Did the coffee go down the wrong way? You know, you really have to be careful how you swallow, sir. That's what Dick always tells me. Oh you poor dear, you're choking again, and you didn't even drink this time. Can I get you a glass of water? You're kind of turning purple sir... Huh? You're waving your hand at the door... you want me to leave? Ok, I'll go. Just call if you need anything else. Ta for now."
Jack Shit Studios - Trixie's Desk
"Oh, good morning, Dick."
"Good morning, Trixie. The boss in?"
"He's in, but he's not feeling so good."
"Oh? How so?"
"Well, he keeps choking. I'm not sure what it is. The poor darling's so fragile, I just hope it's nothing serious."
"Well, I have news that should make him feel better."
"What's that?"
"Special Effects called me first thing. They've finished with Episode One. All we need is the music score and we're all set."
"That's great, Dick."
"Yeah, and I have some casting confirmations. We have a Portuguese actor by the name of Joaquim de Almeida playing Vasco de Gama, Julian Arahanga as King Manuel I..."
"Who are they?"
"Well, Joaquim played Colonel Felix Cortez in Clear and Present Danger, and Julian played Apoc in Matrix. As Queen Isabel we've signed Salma Hayek."
Trixie's green eyes flared. "Hayek? I remember before we started dating that you said you had a thing for her, didn't you?" She pouted.
"Er, that was then. Yeah. That was then. Right now my thing is only for you."
"Make sure it stays that way. If I catch you so much as glancing at her, I'll scratch her eyes out and mount 'em on Velcro."
"Let me make it up to you."
"Oh, all right. But we really must set aside some time for sleep."
On Location
"OK, Bill, this scene is very crucial to the whole native - Portuguese relationship. There has been a misunderstanding, and you must try to maintain the peace."
"No - problem."
"Good. Let's get ready, people," Ridley Scott shouted. The set became a flurry of motion as Set Decorators, Make up Specialists and Property Masters scurried about, making last minute changes and additions.
William Shatner waited patiently as his makeup was touched, then a prop man stuck a gun in his hands. He looked it over, his face full of curiosity. "What - is - this?"
"It's a match-lock, Bill, an early arquebus. A gun." The Property Master explained.
"Oh. I'm - used - to - smaller - weapons."
"Well, not this time, Tiberius." The prop man walked out of the scene, and the crew took their places.
Scott cried, "Quiet. Cue background! Roll film! Action!"
"Listen - to me. You - must - under - stand! We - don't - want - war! We - want - peace! But - if you - persist - in your attacks - we - will - have - no - alternative - but - to defend ourselves."
"Begone, grey hair!"
"Right! Gentlemen - matchlocks - on stun!"
"CUT"
"KHHAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!"
"Shatner! Shut up!"
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"Lights! OK, gentlemen, here's today's rushes, hot off the press. We begin in the year 1495 with the death of King John II, and the coronation of his cousin Manuel I."
"Who's the young brat with the crown?"
"His name's Julian Arahanga, and he was in a movie called The Matrix. You may have heard of it. Made a shitload of money. Anyway, we cut to 1496 and his marriage to Isabel, daughter of Queen Isabella of Spain."
"Say, isn't that Salma Hayek?"
"It is."
"Dear God, I'm getting a woody."
"Shutup, Scorsese. At your age you wouldn't know a woody if it sat in your lap and sang Blue Velvet. Carry on, Steele."
"We spend some time in Biloxi as it grows into a prospering town, dealing with the local Indian tribes, then cut back to Tago and the introduction of Camoens, a conquistador. He sets sail westward. We follow his journey and fade to a landing on Curacao, where he sets out to build up the fledgling colony that Portugal established there some time ago. From there we fade back to Tago and the introduction of Vasco De Gama, another explorer. De Gama is played by a Portuguese actor named Joaquim de Almeida. He appeared in Clear and Present Danger."
"When do we get back to Salma? Does she have any nude scenes?"
"I wish... to remind you that this is a prime time show, so the long answer is, no. Instead, we take you back to the island of Dominica as the first Portuguese settlers arrive to establish a village. The years 1498 and 1499 deal with more colony expansion, except for the introduction of a conquistador named Albequerque."
"Funny naming someone after a city in New Mexico, Steele. Couldn't the writers come up with something a little more realistic?"
"Perhaps the city was named after him, Carpenter!" Smithee barked. "Radical thought, but who knows."
Steele cleared his throat. "Actually, Albequerque was founded and named by Francisco Vasquez de Coronado in 1540. Anyway, in the year 1500 we are introduced to a conquistador named Almeida, and an explorer named Cabral."
"Christ, you young whippersnapper, this is piss boring. Who gives a rats ass about pompadours and explorers. We need action. Action, Steele, action!"
"Sit down, mom." Scorsese hushed. "You're embarrassing me. That's better. Here's your comforter."
"Thank you, sir," Steele said. "I didn't know your mom was here. I didn't see her."
"That's because she's 95 years old and about three feet tall. Keep talking, Steele."
"Well, during 1500 the Portuguese run afoul of the Ottoman Empire and the Omans when they enforce their hold on the Spice Trade. Relations worsen because of that. Note the fine bit of acting from Julian as King Manuel I."
"Note the rack on Salma, Steele. To hell with the King."
"Behave, Penn. Let's move this along, Steele."
"Thank you, Mr. Smithee. We quickly deal with the death of Bartholomew Diaz, and cut to the introduction of Migual and Gaspard Real, two additional explorers. From there we fade to Spain and the renewal of an alliance between them and Portugal."
"Who's the guy flying around in the background?"
"Where?"
"There!"
"Christ. I don't believe it. You're right. There is someone flying around back there. It looks like... It is, it's Christopher Walken. He must have found a harness." Steele put his hands on his hips. "That man's been incorrigible since he cut that video last year. You know, the one that garnered all those awards. Christ. We'll have to re-shoot the whole sequence. Now, where was I? Let's see, Biloxi becomes a colonial city at the tail end of 1500, and in early 1501 Guadeloupe is successfully colonised. Miguel de Corte Real discovers Table, and De Gama..."
"Table? Real discovered a table? So what? Was it an antique? What's so special about a bleeding table?"
"Table is a country in South Africa, sir. It's a name, not an antique. Next we cut to De Gama and his discovery of Anticosti. In both cases a trader is dispa..."
"Anticosti? Isn't that..."
"With all due respect, sir, you're going to miss the declaration of war."
"Oh, really? I'll behave."
"Thank you. To recap quickly, traders are dispatched to the two new Portuguese discoveries, then we cut back to the Spanish capital where Isabella and Ferdinand, together with Manuel and Isabel, declare war on Aragon and England. Portugal is once again in conflict, and..."
"Hey, is that Walken flying around in the background?"
"Lights!"
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salma salma salma!!!
trixie trixie trixie!!!
best line has to be the one about the woody singing blue velvet.
and what IS walken doing back there?
trixie trixie trixie!!!
best line has to be the one about the woody singing blue velvet.
and what IS walken doing back there?
Mmmmm..... Chris Wlaken...
Great update once again! Helps poor Norgesvenn gets through the day.
Great update once again! Helps poor Norgesvenn gets through the day.
Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!! Spit my coffee out at this line!
More Shatner!! Definately more Shatner!!
Love it!! Keep up the hilarious work LD!
More Shatner!! Definately more Shatner!!
Love it!! Keep up the hilarious work LD!