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Ahhh. EU II and the immortal "I'd cast so and so" game finally meet. Absolutely hilarious- I'm looking forward to the next installment or two, or twenty. 
Carligula: So far.
Sharur: I always wondered about the name...
Secret Master: I couldn't resist. It won't be the last time, either...
G'Kar: Indeed. I wonder if they'll renumber all the Trek films if they ever do movies based on the 'Enterprise' series?
Storey: Then I guess I better keep throwing in scenes designed to titillate... sorry, couldn't resist...
Saint: Thanks Saint. What part of TO you from?
Prufrock451: Welcome aboard, and thanks. I'll keep churning them out so long as I keep coming up with people to lampoon.
I hope to have another post ready a little later. Feel free to toss some suggestions my way.
Sharur: I always wondered about the name...
Secret Master: I couldn't resist. It won't be the last time, either...
G'Kar: Indeed. I wonder if they'll renumber all the Trek films if they ever do movies based on the 'Enterprise' series?
Storey: Then I guess I better keep throwing in scenes designed to titillate... sorry, couldn't resist...
Saint: Thanks Saint. What part of TO you from?
Prufrock451: Welcome aboard, and thanks. I'll keep churning them out so long as I keep coming up with people to lampoon.
I hope to have another post ready a little later. Feel free to toss some suggestions my way.
Wow, you know i thought that this would be an AAR like The Napoleonic wars, but this is hilarious. Good job LD
Jack Shit Studios
Somehow, the stub of the cigar managed to stay attached to Smithee's lower lip as he barked into the phone, his free hand waving and punching an imaginary foe for effect. "David Lynch? You nuts? You want the mini-series to turn weird? Huh? Yeah, Twin Peaks was brilliant... loved the midget... what else you got? Cameron... Cameron... name's familiar... isn't he that Canadian kid who did the movie about the flying fish? Yeah, piranha... right, flying piranha... that's a real claim to fame... tell me, what's he done lately? Uh-huh... Look, you gonna give me any serious names, or you just jerking me off? Who? Roland Emmerich? C'mon, give me a break! If I want to do any drippy flag waving stuff like Patriot or Independence Day then I'll ask him, but until then... hey, don't forget, he's the guy who managed to piss off the entire Japanese nation with Godzilla. Who? Say again? Scott? Ridley Scott? Now were talking. He's done historical stuff, hasn't he? Yeah, Gladiator was as accurate a movie as there ever was... good... uh-huh... uh-huh... good... fine, get his agent." Smithee slammed the phone down, reached for his Perrier and found it empty. "Trixie!"
"Yes, Mr. Smithee?"
"Can you get me a bottle of milk?
"Milk?"
"Water, I meant water. Did I say milk? Water, I'd like a Perrier."
"Of course, Mr. Smithee."
"Trixie?"
"Yes, sir?"
"You cold?"
"Why, no sir, why do you ask?"
"Never mind..."
* * *
Jack Shit Studios - Meeting Room
"Dungeon, Sam speaking. Oh, hello Mr. Smithee. No, we're all working on the script right now. Title? Not yet. We're still working on a few ideas. How does Portugal: Generations sound? Yeah, I didn't think so. Yes... yes... I know Mr. Smithee... yes... yes... will do... goodbye." *click* "Right. Who's got the joint?"
* * *
On Location
"God damn you all to hell... no.
God damn you all to hell... uh-uh.
God damn you all to hell... closer.
God damn you all to hell... nope.
God damn you all to hell... maybe.
God damn you all to hell... definitely not.
God damn you all to hell... hmmm.
God damn you all to hell!"
*knock knock*
"Yes?"
"We're ready for you, Mr. Heston."
"Oh... all right... coming..."
"Uh, Mr. Heston, sir?"
"Yes?"
"Can you leave the gun behind?"
"Oh... of course..."
* * *
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"Good morning, gentlemen."
"Stop trying to suck up, Steele, and get on with it."
"Of course, Mr. Penn. Lights. As you may, or may not, remember, the previous dailies ended with the coronation of King Alfonso V. We pick the story up in 1441 with the renewal of Royal Marriages to both Castile and Aragon. Then we cut to some sod turning for construction of a Fine Arts Academy."
"What's a Fine Arts Academy?"
"I guess it's a place where you put fine arts. Anyway, in the next scene we have the King of Castile declaring war on the Papal States. Aragon and Portugal join with Castile, and the Pope calls on Modena, Genoa, Tuscany and the Duchy of Athens to help out."
"Great! I smell action coming!"
"Er, ah... never mind... you'll see. So now we jump to 1442 and the crushing of a revolt in Fez."
Smithee cut in, his voice loud and boisterous. "Notice all the people swinging from the battlements? They're effigies of the scum over at Fox. Artistic licence and all that. My idea. Brilliant, if I do say so myself. Carry on, Mr. Steele."
"Right. Next we jump to 1443 and the opening of the Fine Arts Center, then fade to a rather lavish ballroom scene."
"Who's the tart with the teeth?"
"Julia Roberts. You may have heard of her. She plays Alfonso's wife, Maria."
"Oh, right. She's the one they call the Serial Fiancée. Say, are those people dancing?"
"Sure looks that way to me. Is there a problem with that?"
"They're not going to break into some silly modern music are they? Like that insipid disaster, A Knight's Tale?"
"No need to worry about that, sir. We have more class. If I can direct your limited attentions back to the screen, you will see that we have shifted gears and chronicled the successful colonization of Bermuda. It is now 1444. For the next few years we focus on the growth of the Bermuda colony, breaking away once in 1445 to have Edward Norton sign a White Peace with the Papal States, Genoa, Modena and Tuscany."
"What? No war? And what the hell's a White Peace? Is that like Black Power?"
"Not really, sir, but I'll check with the writers. Anyway, it's now 1448 and the colony of Bermuda is a burgeoning town. Meanwhile, back in Portugal we have some intrigue between the King and his uncle, Dom Pedro, Duke of Coimbra. The episode will dwell on this for a while, though in the end all will end well when the two make up."
"Who's that playing the Duke of Coitus."
"Coimbra."
"Whatever. Who is it?"
"James Coburn, sir."
"Coburn? I thought he was dead."
"Only his career, sir. Next we have the death of Gil Eanes, the explorer, then we cut back once again to Bermuda."
"Who's the old guy walking around Bermuda with the gun? He looks like God. I didn't think God carried a gun, except in the States."
"That's Charlton Heston. It's easy enough to confuse the two. In 1449 Castile and Aragon declare war on the Ottoman Empire. King Alfonso commits Portugal to the cause."
"Well, I certainly hope this war is more exciting than that last one with the White Peace nonsense. So far the only thing that's stopped me from falling asleep has been watching Heston and the gun."
"Never fear, this war will prove to be everything you want..."
"Not me, Steele! The viewer! The viewer wants action, war, blood, guts..."
"Of course, sir. I guess that explains why network TV edits all that stuff out... Now, here's where things get really interesting. General Avranches, or Liam Neeson, dies while preparing for this crusade. That leaves no able commander to lead the troops. So we close off the episode with King Alfonso himself boarding the fleet at the head of the Portuguese army, ready to take the sword to the enemy, and to strike a blow for all of Christendom."
"Steele?"
"Sir?"
"Stop being so damned melodramatic."
"Sorry, sir. Lights."
Somehow, the stub of the cigar managed to stay attached to Smithee's lower lip as he barked into the phone, his free hand waving and punching an imaginary foe for effect. "David Lynch? You nuts? You want the mini-series to turn weird? Huh? Yeah, Twin Peaks was brilliant... loved the midget... what else you got? Cameron... Cameron... name's familiar... isn't he that Canadian kid who did the movie about the flying fish? Yeah, piranha... right, flying piranha... that's a real claim to fame... tell me, what's he done lately? Uh-huh... Look, you gonna give me any serious names, or you just jerking me off? Who? Roland Emmerich? C'mon, give me a break! If I want to do any drippy flag waving stuff like Patriot or Independence Day then I'll ask him, but until then... hey, don't forget, he's the guy who managed to piss off the entire Japanese nation with Godzilla. Who? Say again? Scott? Ridley Scott? Now were talking. He's done historical stuff, hasn't he? Yeah, Gladiator was as accurate a movie as there ever was... good... uh-huh... uh-huh... good... fine, get his agent." Smithee slammed the phone down, reached for his Perrier and found it empty. "Trixie!"
"Yes, Mr. Smithee?"
"Can you get me a bottle of milk?
"Milk?"
"Water, I meant water. Did I say milk? Water, I'd like a Perrier."
"Of course, Mr. Smithee."
"Trixie?"
"Yes, sir?"
"You cold?"
"Why, no sir, why do you ask?"
"Never mind..."
* * *
Jack Shit Studios - Meeting Room
"Dungeon, Sam speaking. Oh, hello Mr. Smithee. No, we're all working on the script right now. Title? Not yet. We're still working on a few ideas. How does Portugal: Generations sound? Yeah, I didn't think so. Yes... yes... I know Mr. Smithee... yes... yes... will do... goodbye." *click* "Right. Who's got the joint?"
* * *
On Location
"God damn you all to hell... no.
God damn you all to hell... uh-uh.
God damn you all to hell... closer.
God damn you all to hell... nope.
God damn you all to hell... maybe.
God damn you all to hell... definitely not.
God damn you all to hell... hmmm.
God damn you all to hell!"
*knock knock*
"Yes?"
"We're ready for you, Mr. Heston."
"Oh... all right... coming..."
"Uh, Mr. Heston, sir?"
"Yes?"
"Can you leave the gun behind?"
"Oh... of course..."
* * *
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"Good morning, gentlemen."
"Stop trying to suck up, Steele, and get on with it."
"Of course, Mr. Penn. Lights. As you may, or may not, remember, the previous dailies ended with the coronation of King Alfonso V. We pick the story up in 1441 with the renewal of Royal Marriages to both Castile and Aragon. Then we cut to some sod turning for construction of a Fine Arts Academy."
"What's a Fine Arts Academy?"
"I guess it's a place where you put fine arts. Anyway, in the next scene we have the King of Castile declaring war on the Papal States. Aragon and Portugal join with Castile, and the Pope calls on Modena, Genoa, Tuscany and the Duchy of Athens to help out."
"Great! I smell action coming!"
"Er, ah... never mind... you'll see. So now we jump to 1442 and the crushing of a revolt in Fez."
Smithee cut in, his voice loud and boisterous. "Notice all the people swinging from the battlements? They're effigies of the scum over at Fox. Artistic licence and all that. My idea. Brilliant, if I do say so myself. Carry on, Mr. Steele."
"Right. Next we jump to 1443 and the opening of the Fine Arts Center, then fade to a rather lavish ballroom scene."
"Who's the tart with the teeth?"
"Julia Roberts. You may have heard of her. She plays Alfonso's wife, Maria."
"Oh, right. She's the one they call the Serial Fiancée. Say, are those people dancing?"
"Sure looks that way to me. Is there a problem with that?"
"They're not going to break into some silly modern music are they? Like that insipid disaster, A Knight's Tale?"
"No need to worry about that, sir. We have more class. If I can direct your limited attentions back to the screen, you will see that we have shifted gears and chronicled the successful colonization of Bermuda. It is now 1444. For the next few years we focus on the growth of the Bermuda colony, breaking away once in 1445 to have Edward Norton sign a White Peace with the Papal States, Genoa, Modena and Tuscany."
"What? No war? And what the hell's a White Peace? Is that like Black Power?"
"Not really, sir, but I'll check with the writers. Anyway, it's now 1448 and the colony of Bermuda is a burgeoning town. Meanwhile, back in Portugal we have some intrigue between the King and his uncle, Dom Pedro, Duke of Coimbra. The episode will dwell on this for a while, though in the end all will end well when the two make up."
"Who's that playing the Duke of Coitus."
"Coimbra."
"Whatever. Who is it?"
"James Coburn, sir."
"Coburn? I thought he was dead."
"Only his career, sir. Next we have the death of Gil Eanes, the explorer, then we cut back once again to Bermuda."
"Who's the old guy walking around Bermuda with the gun? He looks like God. I didn't think God carried a gun, except in the States."
"That's Charlton Heston. It's easy enough to confuse the two. In 1449 Castile and Aragon declare war on the Ottoman Empire. King Alfonso commits Portugal to the cause."
"Well, I certainly hope this war is more exciting than that last one with the White Peace nonsense. So far the only thing that's stopped me from falling asleep has been watching Heston and the gun."
"Never fear, this war will prove to be everything you want..."
"Not me, Steele! The viewer! The viewer wants action, war, blood, guts..."
"Of course, sir. I guess that explains why network TV edits all that stuff out... Now, here's where things get really interesting. General Avranches, or Liam Neeson, dies while preparing for this crusade. That leaves no able commander to lead the troops. So we close off the episode with King Alfonso himself boarding the fleet at the head of the Portuguese army, ready to take the sword to the enemy, and to strike a blow for all of Christendom."
"Steele?"
"Sir?"
"Stop being so damned melodramatic."
"Sorry, sir. Lights."
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When you said that you had a few ideas....woah nelly!
This is really hysterical...nearly busted a gut with Charlton Heston (guess they couldn't get him to put down the gun for filming, eh ) as well as the "are you cold?" line...LOL
This is really hysterical...nearly busted a gut with Charlton Heston (guess they couldn't get him to put down the gun for filming, eh
) as well as the "are you cold?" line...LOL 
This is good stuff, LD.
I just hope this series doesn't get cancelled in mid-season!
I just hope this series doesn't get cancelled in mid-season!
A Scene From The Dungeon
A man sits behind his desk in a small dingy office. A casual observer would guess that both the man and his office have been there forever. The carpet is brown with wavy lines in it and stains in several locations. A slight trail has been worn from the wooden door to a desk swamped in binders, empty soda cans, loose sheets of paper, and the occasional McDonald’s takeout bag. The off white walls have yellowed over time and are filled with tiny holes from decades of assault by small push pins which held up the current month’s most important information. A gray suit jacket is draped over a high-backed roller chair. This is the office of Jeff Jacobs, the lost employee at Jack Shit Productions.
Technically, on the payroll anyway, Jeff is a scriptwriter although he hasn’t worked on a script since January 16th of 1983, the day when he’d come up with “The Great Idea”. Yes sir, that was the day he closed the office door and put a sign next to it which read
Jack Shit Studios: Office of Critical Script Analysis.
Reviews available by appointment only.
Ever since that sign went up, no one had ever come to visit Jeff and Jeff had never gone to visit anyone. He was left to his own devices. Show up in the morning...close the door...leave in the evening...no questions asked. The good life. In the late 80’s and early 90’s he filled his days with perfecting the foam basketball free throw into a hoop mounted with rubber suckers to his metal filing cabinet (also brown). The next few years were spent surfing the internet…but...now…now it was 2002...and...unbelieveably...he had seen every single webpage in existence…twice...and…truth be told…he was getting a little bored. He’d even found a copy of the script from Jack Shit’s most recent Portugal project…and…was actually reading it.
Jeff thought to himself….What this movie needs is a title…something catchy…something that would make you want to tune in just to see what was going on…something with pizzaz...a certain ring to it...come on now Jeff…think…well…at least brainstorm a little and call it thinking…how about:
Clash of the Conquistadors…nah…
Portugal: A Journey Through Time…blah…
Destination Portugal….bah…
Portugal: Our Football Team Stinks but We Have History…probably wouldn’t pass the PC test…
Survivor: Europe
Portugal: Outward Bound
The Real World: Portugal
Discovery: Portugal
1419: A European Odyssey
Hang ‘em High: The Portuguese Conquest….terrible…
This is tough…no wonder I quit working all those years ago…
Jeff sits back behind his desk…and…concentrates for a few more minutes…his face strains....and...then breaks into a grin of triumph....
I’ve got it….I know the solution….ah…all along there it was right in front of my face…
an indoor putting green…complete with ball return….yes sir…my problems are solved..
Jeff leans back in his chair with a satisfied look and props his feet up on the desk…
A man sits behind his desk in a small dingy office. A casual observer would guess that both the man and his office have been there forever. The carpet is brown with wavy lines in it and stains in several locations. A slight trail has been worn from the wooden door to a desk swamped in binders, empty soda cans, loose sheets of paper, and the occasional McDonald’s takeout bag. The off white walls have yellowed over time and are filled with tiny holes from decades of assault by small push pins which held up the current month’s most important information. A gray suit jacket is draped over a high-backed roller chair. This is the office of Jeff Jacobs, the lost employee at Jack Shit Productions.
Technically, on the payroll anyway, Jeff is a scriptwriter although he hasn’t worked on a script since January 16th of 1983, the day when he’d come up with “The Great Idea”. Yes sir, that was the day he closed the office door and put a sign next to it which read
Jack Shit Studios: Office of Critical Script Analysis.
Reviews available by appointment only.
Ever since that sign went up, no one had ever come to visit Jeff and Jeff had never gone to visit anyone. He was left to his own devices. Show up in the morning...close the door...leave in the evening...no questions asked. The good life. In the late 80’s and early 90’s he filled his days with perfecting the foam basketball free throw into a hoop mounted with rubber suckers to his metal filing cabinet (also brown). The next few years were spent surfing the internet…but...now…now it was 2002...and...unbelieveably...he had seen every single webpage in existence…twice...and…truth be told…he was getting a little bored. He’d even found a copy of the script from Jack Shit’s most recent Portugal project…and…was actually reading it.
Jeff thought to himself….What this movie needs is a title…something catchy…something that would make you want to tune in just to see what was going on…something with pizzaz...a certain ring to it...come on now Jeff…think…well…at least brainstorm a little and call it thinking…how about:
Clash of the Conquistadors…nah…
Portugal: A Journey Through Time…blah…
Destination Portugal….bah…
Portugal: Our Football Team Stinks but We Have History…probably wouldn’t pass the PC test…
Survivor: Europe
Portugal: Outward Bound
The Real World: Portugal
Discovery: Portugal
1419: A European Odyssey
Hang ‘em High: The Portuguese Conquest….terrible…
This is tough…no wonder I quit working all those years ago…
Jeff sits back behind his desk…and…concentrates for a few more minutes…his face strains....and...then breaks into a grin of triumph....
I’ve got it….I know the solution….ah…all along there it was right in front of my face…
an indoor putting green…complete with ball return….yes sir…my problems are solved..
Jeff leans back in his chair with a satisfied look and props his feet up on the desk…
Last edited:
MrT: Thanks for the M&C.
CR: I just have to try and keep the pace up... that's the trick...
Secret Master: I hope not either. Little bits like Backpack's post help fuel the fire, so to speak...
Wyvern: Thanks, glad you enjoy it. Stay tuned...
Backpack: Funny, and appreciated. The title ideas are exactly what I was looking for. This whole bit has given me a few ideas...
I hope to have another post up today...
CR: I just have to try and keep the pace up... that's the trick...
Secret Master: I hope not either. Little bits like Backpack's post help fuel the fire, so to speak...
Wyvern: Thanks, glad you enjoy it. Stay tuned...
Backpack: Funny, and appreciated. The title ideas are exactly what I was looking for. This whole bit has given me a few ideas...
I hope to have another post up today...
Last edited:
Sheer class there. Don't forget an italian adventures will require Al Pacino, Joe Pesci, Robert Denero
This is so great! Original, refreshing, and yet so familiar. I nominate this for an Academy Award already, LD.
By the way, having tried acting in my tender years, I might be interested in a part. I could be a Norse settler on Greenland.
The burly Norseman stepped forth. His rugged good looks, amazing pecs and clear blue eyes made him quite a spectacle. The Queen almost slid from the throne, as she mentally undressed him.
He spoke:
"Garblegarblegarble!"
By the way, having tried acting in my tender years, I might be interested in a part. I could be a Norse settler on Greenland.
The burly Norseman stepped forth. His rugged good looks, amazing pecs and clear blue eyes made him quite a spectacle. The Queen almost slid from the throne, as she mentally undressed him.
He spoke:
"Garblegarblegarble!"
Jack Shit Studios
"Mr. Smithee?"
"Yes, Trixie?"
"I have Mr. Roquefort on line two. He wants to discuss ideas for scoring the series."
"Ah, very good. Er... Trixie?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Going somewhere?"
"Yes, Mr. Smithee. Dick's taking me to lunch. He's arranged a meeting with the agent for Gerald Depardieu."
"Depardieu?"
"Yes, sir. For the French scenes. Dick figures the meeting won't take long, and he thought we would have time to eat."
"Eat?"
"Oh yes, Mr. Smithee. Dick says he's so hungry he could eat me. Silly boy."
"Of course. And you're going like that? Shouldn't you put on a parka, or something?"
"Oh, Mr. Smithee, you're such a card. It's 85 out."
Trixie giggled lightly as she left the office. A moment later Smithee heard the outer door close. He sighed and eyed the phone with it's blinking light. "Smithee here. Ah, Roquefort, what's on your alleged mind? Music? Right. Hit me." Smithee fumbled for a fresh cigar, sniffed it, and lit the end. He sat back, exhaling a thick stream of smoke. "I'm not fussy about any of your ideas so far, Roquefort. Dion? Wasn't she one of the quintuplets? I need a bigger star than one of the quintuplets. If I let one sing, then they'll all want to sing. M&M? That's the candy, right? I've seen them do commercials. I didn't know they sang, too. What? Rap music!! Now's there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one. Not in my lifetime! Williams? John Williams? Not bad. He's had one or two successes. Say, how about Benny Goodman? Can you give his agent a call? What? He's dead? When? Really? OK. Keep working on it."
* * *
Bogie's Café
"Why are all the men staring at that woman, mommy?"
"What, Johnny?"
"Over there, mommy. See the woman walking with that man? Everyone is staring at her. Well, at least the men are."
"Dear God. Don't look, Johnny. She's deformed! Come this way."
"Don't you wish you were deformed like that so the men would stare at you too, mommy?"
*smack*
"Oww. What was that for?"
* * *
On Location
"CUT!"
"What is it, Mr. Singer? I thought the scene was going rather well."
"Take a look, and tell me what you see?"
"Well, I see Norton, and Affleck, and Woods, and..."
"Behind them, you moron. What do you see?"
"Well, I see the army fighting..."
"Right. The army's fighting. I yelled cut and they're still fighting. Damn it all, I knew I never should have recruited those local Portuguese and Italian peasants... especially during the World Cup."
* * *
Jack Shit Screening Room
"What's that on your neck, Steele? A hickey?"
"Er, ah... a mosquito bite, sir."
"Damned large mosquito, if you ask me."
"It was. If you gentlemen are ready... Lights!"
The Suits settled into their plush seats as the days' rushes hit the screen. The studio executives were greeted with images of an armour clad Edward Norton stepping onto a rocky beach, surrounded by extras.
"Gentlemen, we are now in the year 1450. As you may or may not recall from the previous day, the Ottoman Empire went to war with Portugal, Aragon and Castile. Upon the death of their best general, King Alfonso V decided to lead the troops personally. That being said, here we see the Portuguese landing in Macedonia. In the next scene they join with the Aragonese and lend aid to the siege of Thessaloniki."
"These battle scenes look awfully realistic, Smithee."
"Yes, well, we used Portuguese and Italian extras. They got a little... nationalistic. Anyway, our insurance covered all the injuries and damage. Next we cut to Bermuda as it is elevated to town status."
"Is that Heston still carrying the gun? That won't do. This is a period piece."
"Quite. He wouldn't let go of it. I figure we can delete the thing in post-production with some special effects."
"And what's with the robes and long beard?"
"Er, he was having flashbacks, sir. We may have to reshoot those scenes. Now we're back to Thessaloniki, and you will notice the city elders opening the gates. There is a rather dramatic scene here where Alfonso claims Macedonia in the name of the Portuguese people. Now they march south into Hellas and lay siege to Athens."
"Glad to see we're doing war again, Steele, and none of that White Peace shit."
"Yes, sir. It's now spring of 1451 and Alfonso receives reinforcements. Notice that as they arrive, the city of Athens capitulates. The army marches further south into Morea. We jump to 1452 to witness the fall of Morea, and a Turkish peace delegation come to offer terms."
"It's about time the damned Ottomans showed, Steele. I was beginning to think that this was a one-sided war. I was beginning to think that maybe the screenwriters forgot to add an opponent."
"Well, the Turks are only here to talk peace. As it happens, Alfonso rejects the offer."
"You're saying that's all we see of the Ottomans?"
"For now, sir. Here we show the Portuguese marching north into Bulgaria and laying siege to Sofia."
"Sofia? As in Loren? I'd like to lay siege to her myself!"
"Shutup, Scorsese. You couldn't lay siege to a roll of toilet paper. Continue, Steele."
"Thank you. It's now around Christmas, and Bulgaria has fallen to Alfonso. He marches on Rumelia. Meanwhile, as the year rolls into 1453 we cut to a revolt in Macedonia. After spending some time on that we return to Alfonso and his siege of Varna. At this time he sends an offer of peace to the Ottomans, asking for Morea, Hellas and 100 ducats. It's rejected."
"By whom? So far I've seen exactly 5 Turks. Except for a bunch of burning cities, this is turning out to be a pretty piss-poor war."
"I'll let the writers know what you think. By the middle of 1453 Rumelia has fallen, and Alfonso marches on Dubrudja."
"Rumelia? Dubrudja? You making this stuff up, Steele?"
"Wouldn't think of it, Mr. Scorsese. We cut to a rather short siege of Silistra, which is raised in favour of marching on Wallachia. At this point we cut to the Portuguese provinces of Fez, Gibralter and Tangiers, where revolts have sprung up."
"Revolt? What the hell for? I thought this rather one-sided affair would be good for morale. Ungrateful sods."
"The screenwriters have attempted to capture the massive unrest that tends to build when a country has been at war for some time, sir."
"Unrest? Of course there's unrest. They've no enemy to fight! They're dying of boredom!"
"As you say, sir. We return to Alfonso and the opening stages of the siege of Bucharest. Here we have another Ottoman peace offer, which is rejected."
"At least give those men swords so they can die for their country! What's the problem here, Steele? Couldn't we hire extras to play the Ottoman army?"
"I guess not, sir. We are now in the year 1454 and Wallachia has fallen. We cut to the end of the year as the Ottoman capital of Bursa, in Anatolia, falls under siege."
"What? Bursa? Tell those hacks to get out their atlases. Even I know that Istanbul is the capital of Turkey."
"Ignore him, Steele," Smithee cut in. "He's an idiot. Continue."
"Yes, Mr. Smithee. We have reached 1455, and the city of Bursa opens its gates to King Alfonso. For added excitement, we have the Ottomans turn down a peace offer. Norton marches on Angora and, as you can see, we have yet another siege."
"This Alfonso sure gets around, doesn't he?"
"Well, Mr. Carpenter, you certainly can't say he spent his reign sitting on his thumbs."
"Shutup! Who asked you for an opinion anyway, Steele." Carpenter glared. "Not like the Ottomans, eh? Are you sure those drug infested writers just didn't plain forget to put them in?"
"I'll ask. Anyway, here we have a high level meeting between Norton and Sharif."
"Sharif?"
"Omar Sharif. We managed to tear him away long enough from his bridge game to play the Sultan. So now, as you can tell by the snarls and smiles, peace has been settled. Portugal receives Macedonia, Hellas, Morea, Rumelia and Damman."
"Damman?"
"Don't ask, sir. We cut to a rather victorious Alfonso boarding ship in Macedonia to return to Tago. At this point we slip into the year 1456 and open with the initial establishment of a colony in the Bahamas by Portuguese settlers. After a few court scenes with Norton and Roberts, we cut to a declaration of war from Castile and Aragon on France and Scotland. King Alfonso agrees to honour the alliance."
"It strikes me that bloody Castile is always getting the others into trouble."
"Convenience, I'm sure. I should note that France is already at war with England, Kleves, Navarre and Burgundy. We finish out the year with Norton once again strapping on the armour."
"These are an awful long series of rushes, Steele."
"Yes, sir. The Director was rather inspired. We jump to the middle of 1457, and Alfonso has landed in Provence and laid siege to Marseilles. After a few moments, we jump forward to 1458 where we have a scene with some Portuguese shipwrights. They are expounding on a new advance in ship construction."
"What's that got to do with the series?"
"Colour, sir, colour. It can't all be about war."
"Says who? Continue."
"Yes sir. In August Marseilles falls to Alfonso, and he marches on Dauphine. Here he joins the Aragonese in a joint siege. By the middle of 1459 Dauphine falls, and Alfonso claims it on behalf of Portugal."
"Greedy bugger."
"It's good to be king, sir. Anyway, the army marches to Languedoc and joins the Castillians in the siege of Montpellier. Later in the year..."
"Let me guess, the city falls and is claimed by Alfonso. I'm beginning to see a trend here."
"You're much too smart for me, sir. At this time we cut to a brief revolt in Hellas, then all the way over to the rocky isles of Scotland, where the Portuguese diplomats secure a, ahem... White Peace with the Scots."
"What? No bagpipes? I want to hear bagpipes!"
"Maybe we can have the sound crew insert some in the background later, sir. Anyway, we cut back to Alfonso as he marches into Lyonnais."
"What are those?"
"French soldiers, Mr. Penn."
"By God, you're right! It took only 9 years for Alfonso to finally face some opposition. Bloody poor script writing if you ask me."
"I'll pass that along, sir. Here we have a set piece battle, with both sides approximately equal in size. As you watch these scenes you'll discover that Alfonso's brilliance carries the day, and he settles into a siege of Lyon. At this point there is a peace offer from the French, which is deemed highly laughable. We jump ahead to the year 1460 and yet another French army approaches Alfonso."
"Let me guess. He wins!"
"No, this time he looses, and is forced to break off the siege of Lyon and retreat south. The writers wanted to illustrate a mortal side to Alfonso's character."
"After ten years of success and no opposition I should bloody well hope he's mortal!"
"If I may be so bold, sir, the audience likes to identify with a winner."
"What do you know about audiences, Steele? All audiences care about these days are crap shows like Missing Link, or over rated tripe like Dark Angel with its whiny, smartassed female lead! Nowadays all action shows have females who run along walls, do back flips and toss off one liners like some poor mans Lenny Bruce."
"I stand corrected, sir. Obviously I have given the audience too much credit. I won't let it happen again. Well, gentlemen, while we were locked in this discussion, we missed the peace treaty between France and Portugal. Alfonso received Provence from the French. Any questions? No? Lights..."
Production still from Portugal: The Epic (working title) at the end of 1460
"Mr. Smithee?"
"Yes, Trixie?"
"I have Mr. Roquefort on line two. He wants to discuss ideas for scoring the series."
"Ah, very good. Er... Trixie?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Going somewhere?"
"Yes, Mr. Smithee. Dick's taking me to lunch. He's arranged a meeting with the agent for Gerald Depardieu."
"Depardieu?"
"Yes, sir. For the French scenes. Dick figures the meeting won't take long, and he thought we would have time to eat."
"Eat?"
"Oh yes, Mr. Smithee. Dick says he's so hungry he could eat me. Silly boy."
"Of course. And you're going like that? Shouldn't you put on a parka, or something?"
"Oh, Mr. Smithee, you're such a card. It's 85 out."
Trixie giggled lightly as she left the office. A moment later Smithee heard the outer door close. He sighed and eyed the phone with it's blinking light. "Smithee here. Ah, Roquefort, what's on your alleged mind? Music? Right. Hit me." Smithee fumbled for a fresh cigar, sniffed it, and lit the end. He sat back, exhaling a thick stream of smoke. "I'm not fussy about any of your ideas so far, Roquefort. Dion? Wasn't she one of the quintuplets? I need a bigger star than one of the quintuplets. If I let one sing, then they'll all want to sing. M&M? That's the candy, right? I've seen them do commercials. I didn't know they sang, too. What? Rap music!! Now's there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one. Not in my lifetime! Williams? John Williams? Not bad. He's had one or two successes. Say, how about Benny Goodman? Can you give his agent a call? What? He's dead? When? Really? OK. Keep working on it."
* * *
Bogie's Café
"Why are all the men staring at that woman, mommy?"
"What, Johnny?"
"Over there, mommy. See the woman walking with that man? Everyone is staring at her. Well, at least the men are."
"Dear God. Don't look, Johnny. She's deformed! Come this way."
"Don't you wish you were deformed like that so the men would stare at you too, mommy?"
*smack*
"Oww. What was that for?"
* * *
On Location
"CUT!"
"What is it, Mr. Singer? I thought the scene was going rather well."
"Take a look, and tell me what you see?"
"Well, I see Norton, and Affleck, and Woods, and..."
"Behind them, you moron. What do you see?"
"Well, I see the army fighting..."
"Right. The army's fighting. I yelled cut and they're still fighting. Damn it all, I knew I never should have recruited those local Portuguese and Italian peasants... especially during the World Cup."
* * *
Jack Shit Screening Room
"What's that on your neck, Steele? A hickey?"
"Er, ah... a mosquito bite, sir."
"Damned large mosquito, if you ask me."
"It was. If you gentlemen are ready... Lights!"
The Suits settled into their plush seats as the days' rushes hit the screen. The studio executives were greeted with images of an armour clad Edward Norton stepping onto a rocky beach, surrounded by extras.
"Gentlemen, we are now in the year 1450. As you may or may not recall from the previous day, the Ottoman Empire went to war with Portugal, Aragon and Castile. Upon the death of their best general, King Alfonso V decided to lead the troops personally. That being said, here we see the Portuguese landing in Macedonia. In the next scene they join with the Aragonese and lend aid to the siege of Thessaloniki."
"These battle scenes look awfully realistic, Smithee."
"Yes, well, we used Portuguese and Italian extras. They got a little... nationalistic. Anyway, our insurance covered all the injuries and damage. Next we cut to Bermuda as it is elevated to town status."
"Is that Heston still carrying the gun? That won't do. This is a period piece."
"Quite. He wouldn't let go of it. I figure we can delete the thing in post-production with some special effects."
"And what's with the robes and long beard?"
"Er, he was having flashbacks, sir. We may have to reshoot those scenes. Now we're back to Thessaloniki, and you will notice the city elders opening the gates. There is a rather dramatic scene here where Alfonso claims Macedonia in the name of the Portuguese people. Now they march south into Hellas and lay siege to Athens."
"Glad to see we're doing war again, Steele, and none of that White Peace shit."
"Yes, sir. It's now spring of 1451 and Alfonso receives reinforcements. Notice that as they arrive, the city of Athens capitulates. The army marches further south into Morea. We jump to 1452 to witness the fall of Morea, and a Turkish peace delegation come to offer terms."
"It's about time the damned Ottomans showed, Steele. I was beginning to think that this was a one-sided war. I was beginning to think that maybe the screenwriters forgot to add an opponent."
"Well, the Turks are only here to talk peace. As it happens, Alfonso rejects the offer."
"You're saying that's all we see of the Ottomans?"
"For now, sir. Here we show the Portuguese marching north into Bulgaria and laying siege to Sofia."
"Sofia? As in Loren? I'd like to lay siege to her myself!"
"Shutup, Scorsese. You couldn't lay siege to a roll of toilet paper. Continue, Steele."
"Thank you. It's now around Christmas, and Bulgaria has fallen to Alfonso. He marches on Rumelia. Meanwhile, as the year rolls into 1453 we cut to a revolt in Macedonia. After spending some time on that we return to Alfonso and his siege of Varna. At this time he sends an offer of peace to the Ottomans, asking for Morea, Hellas and 100 ducats. It's rejected."
"By whom? So far I've seen exactly 5 Turks. Except for a bunch of burning cities, this is turning out to be a pretty piss-poor war."
"I'll let the writers know what you think. By the middle of 1453 Rumelia has fallen, and Alfonso marches on Dubrudja."
"Rumelia? Dubrudja? You making this stuff up, Steele?"
"Wouldn't think of it, Mr. Scorsese. We cut to a rather short siege of Silistra, which is raised in favour of marching on Wallachia. At this point we cut to the Portuguese provinces of Fez, Gibralter and Tangiers, where revolts have sprung up."
"Revolt? What the hell for? I thought this rather one-sided affair would be good for morale. Ungrateful sods."
"The screenwriters have attempted to capture the massive unrest that tends to build when a country has been at war for some time, sir."
"Unrest? Of course there's unrest. They've no enemy to fight! They're dying of boredom!"
"As you say, sir. We return to Alfonso and the opening stages of the siege of Bucharest. Here we have another Ottoman peace offer, which is rejected."
"At least give those men swords so they can die for their country! What's the problem here, Steele? Couldn't we hire extras to play the Ottoman army?"
"I guess not, sir. We are now in the year 1454 and Wallachia has fallen. We cut to the end of the year as the Ottoman capital of Bursa, in Anatolia, falls under siege."
"What? Bursa? Tell those hacks to get out their atlases. Even I know that Istanbul is the capital of Turkey."
"Ignore him, Steele," Smithee cut in. "He's an idiot. Continue."
"Yes, Mr. Smithee. We have reached 1455, and the city of Bursa opens its gates to King Alfonso. For added excitement, we have the Ottomans turn down a peace offer. Norton marches on Angora and, as you can see, we have yet another siege."
"This Alfonso sure gets around, doesn't he?"
"Well, Mr. Carpenter, you certainly can't say he spent his reign sitting on his thumbs."
"Shutup! Who asked you for an opinion anyway, Steele." Carpenter glared. "Not like the Ottomans, eh? Are you sure those drug infested writers just didn't plain forget to put them in?"
"I'll ask. Anyway, here we have a high level meeting between Norton and Sharif."
"Sharif?"
"Omar Sharif. We managed to tear him away long enough from his bridge game to play the Sultan. So now, as you can tell by the snarls and smiles, peace has been settled. Portugal receives Macedonia, Hellas, Morea, Rumelia and Damman."
"Damman?"
"Don't ask, sir. We cut to a rather victorious Alfonso boarding ship in Macedonia to return to Tago. At this point we slip into the year 1456 and open with the initial establishment of a colony in the Bahamas by Portuguese settlers. After a few court scenes with Norton and Roberts, we cut to a declaration of war from Castile and Aragon on France and Scotland. King Alfonso agrees to honour the alliance."
"It strikes me that bloody Castile is always getting the others into trouble."
"Convenience, I'm sure. I should note that France is already at war with England, Kleves, Navarre and Burgundy. We finish out the year with Norton once again strapping on the armour."
"These are an awful long series of rushes, Steele."
"Yes, sir. The Director was rather inspired. We jump to the middle of 1457, and Alfonso has landed in Provence and laid siege to Marseilles. After a few moments, we jump forward to 1458 where we have a scene with some Portuguese shipwrights. They are expounding on a new advance in ship construction."
"What's that got to do with the series?"
"Colour, sir, colour. It can't all be about war."
"Says who? Continue."
"Yes sir. In August Marseilles falls to Alfonso, and he marches on Dauphine. Here he joins the Aragonese in a joint siege. By the middle of 1459 Dauphine falls, and Alfonso claims it on behalf of Portugal."
"Greedy bugger."
"It's good to be king, sir. Anyway, the army marches to Languedoc and joins the Castillians in the siege of Montpellier. Later in the year..."
"Let me guess, the city falls and is claimed by Alfonso. I'm beginning to see a trend here."
"You're much too smart for me, sir. At this time we cut to a brief revolt in Hellas, then all the way over to the rocky isles of Scotland, where the Portuguese diplomats secure a, ahem... White Peace with the Scots."
"What? No bagpipes? I want to hear bagpipes!"
"Maybe we can have the sound crew insert some in the background later, sir. Anyway, we cut back to Alfonso as he marches into Lyonnais."
"What are those?"
"French soldiers, Mr. Penn."
"By God, you're right! It took only 9 years for Alfonso to finally face some opposition. Bloody poor script writing if you ask me."
"I'll pass that along, sir. Here we have a set piece battle, with both sides approximately equal in size. As you watch these scenes you'll discover that Alfonso's brilliance carries the day, and he settles into a siege of Lyon. At this point there is a peace offer from the French, which is deemed highly laughable. We jump ahead to the year 1460 and yet another French army approaches Alfonso."
"Let me guess. He wins!"
"No, this time he looses, and is forced to break off the siege of Lyon and retreat south. The writers wanted to illustrate a mortal side to Alfonso's character."
"After ten years of success and no opposition I should bloody well hope he's mortal!"
"If I may be so bold, sir, the audience likes to identify with a winner."
"What do you know about audiences, Steele? All audiences care about these days are crap shows like Missing Link, or over rated tripe like Dark Angel with its whiny, smartassed female lead! Nowadays all action shows have females who run along walls, do back flips and toss off one liners like some poor mans Lenny Bruce."
"I stand corrected, sir. Obviously I have given the audience too much credit. I won't let it happen again. Well, gentlemen, while we were locked in this discussion, we missed the peace treaty between France and Portugal. Alfonso received Provence from the French. Any questions? No? Lights..."
Production still from Portugal: The Epic (working title) at the end of 1460
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What can I say? Such a treasure!
The Dion quintuplets had me in the floor (figuratively, not literally) and Heston still toting his gun and now be-robed almost finished me off. The overly-realisticly-combative extras, though, was a killer.
The Dion quintuplets had me in the floor (figuratively, not literally) and Heston still toting his gun and now be-robed almost finished me off. The overly-realisticly-combative extras, though, was a killer.
Oh god *cries with laughter* too much. Tooooooo much. Darn you LD, I think I've redevloped my hernia.
Originally posted by Secret Master
You slay me LD! One or two successes...
Who's John Williams?
...now Robin Williams...that guy I know. He's almost as funny as LD.