OOC: Rictus, glad to see you have the time to poke your head in, and I'm quite flattered that you have my AAR on your reading list.
Director: Thanks for reading. I'm glad I could supply a few laughs.
Above all, I couldn't ignore a fellow Retief fan. Keith Laumer had a nice compact style of writing that I found refreshing, and his CDT material was a blast. The rest of the Trek crew, eh? I'll see what I can do.
Here come some more truly atroscious puns...
----------------------------------------
JS Studios
Turner Smithee reclined in his leather swivel chair, a trademark stogie dangling from a thick, lower lip. Beside him stood a representative from the new ownership group. The man was dressed casually in blue jeans, red
Polo golf-shirt, and runners with no socks. He was presenting the results of a marketing survey when Trixie entered.
"Good morning, Mr. Smithee."
"Good morning, Trixie. I'd like you to meet Mr. Urqhart."
"Good morning, Mr. Urqhart. Mr. Urqhart... Mr. Urqhart?"
"Hmmm? Oh, sorry, I was staring at your... T-Shirt."
Smithee nodded. "And a fine T-Shirt it is... very, very nice..."
"That's my
Portugal or Bust T-Shirt, sir."
"Exquisite... except, I don't see the
Portugal, all I see is the
Bust"
Urqhart sat down, placing the report on his lap. "You're not kidding..."
Trixie shrugged, causing a series of independent motions that took a half-minute to settle. "It
is a tight fit, sir. The
Portugal keeps riding up."
Urqhart mumbled, "Riding up? I suppose I could see the word if I stood on a chair and looked down."
"What was that, sir?"
"Eh? Oh, I was wondering if you've ever acted."
"Acted? Me? Heavens, no! Dick is so loving, tender and huge that I've never had to fake an or..."
"
That's... not... quite... what I meant, Trixie."
Smithee removed his stogie and waved it about. "What Mr. Urqhart wants to know is if you've ever considered a career in film?"
"Me? In the movies? Wow, Mr. Smithee, Mr. Urqhart... that's very flattering. I mean, I've never acted before, except for those videos in high-school, but that wasn't really acting..."
"Well, think about it, young lady. I'm sure you could become a big star."
Smithee nodded. "A very, big star."
Urqhart agreed. "A very, very, big, big... star."
"Oh goody, wait till I tell Dick! He'll want to celebrate all night long..."
On Location
"Who's the bonehead?"
"Huh?"
"The guy over there, standing beside the girl from
Resident Evil, Milla Javovich... Jevovich... Jafovich... ah, hell, some kind of
vich."
"Why do you call everyone a
bonehead, Boxleitner?"
"I don't call everyone a
bonehead. So, who
is the guy, del Toro?"
"He looks like a drug lord."
"Why do you call everyone a
drug lord, Benicio?"
"I don't."
"You do."
"I call everyone a
drug lord as often as you call them a
bonehead."
"Do not."
"Do so."
"Do not."
"Do so."
"Shhh. Here he comes. God, that Milla's a babe... for a drug lord."
"See, there you go again."
"What?"
"Hey, I recognize the bonehead now. That's Luc Besson. He's our new director."
"That drug lord's our new director?"
"Yeah. Benicio, you're right! That bonehead Milla's a real babe..."
JS Studios - Screening Room
"Good day, gentlemen. Nice to see you've still got your jobs... oops, did I say that? Lights. We open this episode with a new director. Some of you may be familiar with Luc Besson. He did
Fifth Element, The Messenger, The Professional, La Femme Nikita, The Big Blue, Subway... you get the idea. And yes, Milla Jovovich will be in the film. She goes where he goes. Now, we begin in the year 1720, opening in Biloxi, the garden spot of the southern United States. We watch a Legal Counsel disembark to the enthusiastic reception of the colonists."
"Where are the colonists, Steele?"
"They'll be added later. Due to cost cutting we may have to dip into the out-take archives and grab a scene or two from
The Patriot. From Biloxi we jump to Lisbon as the navy and the military continue to impress King John with their technological skill, then it's over to El Paso where we have a touching scene of General de Sousa's death."
"Why the stark contrasts in lighting, Steele?"
"Well, Bruce Boxleitner wanted the scene to be shot in light and shadow, sir. Anyway, we hop back to Tago and deal with another update from the army and navy, then slide into the year 1721. We fade to Australia and the province of Toowoomba. Here the merchants have successfully opened a new Center of Trade, which they immediately populate and monopolize. Then it's over to the islands of Mauritius and Socrata as Bailiffs are appointed... for the good of the Empire, of course."
"What the hell's del Toro doing, going through a drug withdrawal?"
"Very witty, Mr. Penn. No, he's acting crazy. The writers decided to toss in the reoccurring theme of Temporary Insanity that has plagued the nobility from time to time."
"Does flipping his lips with a finger count as insanity, Steele?"
"I suppose so, Mr. Carpenter. I've never tried it myself. Ah, here we are back in Tago following the usual antics of the army and the navy. In fact, these technology advances are coming so fast now we could easily make a weekly show out of them for TLC. We leave Tago and cut to Pecos as it achieves Colonial Status. Almost immediately a Bailiff is assigned to squeeze, er... please, the new citizens."
"Now what's happening, Steele?"
"Well, Mr. Smithee, this is a subplot that deals with a Petition of Redress. The bottom line is that Ionia revolts and the general population grumbles. Unfortunately, due to further costing cuts, we only had this scale model of a castle to work with. We're searching for some proper archival footage to insert. Anyway, the revolt is suppressed, and as we reach the year 1722 we cut to El Paso as the first colonists arrive to lay roots."
"Why would they lay roots, Steele? Why don't they build homes like any normal settler would do?"
"You got me, Mr. Scorsese. I should have said, they're laying the foundations of a
Roots manufactory. From El Paso we fade to Hadrumat to deal with a revolt and its subsequent defeat. Then it's on to..."
"There was no problem showing lots of action with that particular revolt, Steele. What's so different about Ionia and Hadrumat?"
"One word, Mr. Penn.
Unions. From Hadramut we jump to Morocco and follow a series of exchanges that result in an insult to Portugal. However, after some deliberation, King John V decides that going to war would not be in Portugal's best interests. Ah, now we're on the West Coast of the good 'ole US of A. Here we have merchant ships arriving to establish Trade Posts in San Bernandino, Salton and Sierra Madre."
"Those extras are sure acting weird, Steele."
"Blame it on the air in San Bernandino, Mr. Scorsese. We had a bitch of a time convincing them to remove their Rayban sunglasses and Rolex watches. We cut from Sierra Madre down to a small fleet of ships as they disembark 5,000 men into Costa Rica. Note the scowls on the resident natives. We fade into 1723 and jump from Michoacan to Guatamala, as Chief Judges are appointed. Then its back to Costa Rica as a merchant ship arrives to establish a Trade Post. However, in a series of events bordering on the comical the traders end up pissing off the natives. The natives make them lunch. The army steps in and... well, let's just say the next merchant ship has no problem establishing a Trade Post."
"You mean the army butchered all those natives, Steele?"
"Yes, Mr. Carpenter. Orgasmic, eh?"
"I'll say. Did they cut open their stomachs to reclaim the merchants, like they did in the movie
Jaws when they tried to determine if that shark they captured had eaten the nude girl who was swimming one night and..."
"Mr. Carpenter, regardless what that one fan of yours says, you are a truly warped individual."
"Why, thank you, Steele."
"You're welcome, I think. Anyway, we have reached the year 1724, and in another scene that is sure to please Mr. Carpenter, an army of 7,000 Portuguese march into Tuscaloosa. Here they battle some hostile natives who can't seem to grasp the idea of land secession. From Tuscaloosa we cut back to Tago as the Infrastructure has advanced far enough to produce Steam engines."
"Aren't we a bit early for that, Steele?"
"Probably. Maybe the writers figured if we could produce cars earlier than usual so we wouldn't have to worry about cutting additional costs. Anyway, as the first colony ship arrives in the newly liberated land of Tuscaloosa we jump back to Tago to witness the execution of some Artisans. Next, we fade back to El Paso as it reaches Colonial Status. Note how the citizens are so happy they put the local natives to work building a fortress."
"I love it when every body gets along, regardless of the whips and the cattle prods."
"I'm sure you do, Mr. Penn. We skip rather quickly through the year 1725. The only events shot involved the appointment of a Bailiff in Rio Grande and a Mayor in Michoacan. We start 1726 off with a Legal Counsel taking office in Riau, then it's over the water for a short distance as a colony ship lands on Tindore."
"Tindore, Steele?
"No, Mr. Scorsese, it's not steel. It's tin. Tin's much weaker than steel. We jump to a revolt in Masirah, which is defeated rather swiftly, then back to the area of modern day Indonesia where a colony is successfully established on the island of Salabanka. From Salabanka we slip into the year 1727 and cut back to Tago. Here the army and the navy bother the King with further advances. Please note we have skipped a few of these military marvels."
"What kind of marvels, Steele?"
"Well, for the army I think they have researched Claymore Mines, and for the navy it's now Sturdier Hulls. Apparently the older hulls were made of balsa wood. We jump over to the Caribbean and do a montage of scenes covering the appointment of Legal Counsels on the islands of St. Thomas, Dominica and Guadaloupe. Then, its back to Lisbon to witness the end of the alliance between Portugal and the Papal States. Benicio decides to wait on offers."
"Make me an offer I can't refuse, eh Steele? Heh - heh - heh - heh - heh..."
"That would be extremely funny Mr. Penn, if you had the correct actor. Next, we jump to the gold producing province of Wewak. The writers have them discover a new mineral, which increases the overall production value of the Portuguese possession."
"What's the mineral, Steele?"
"I'm not sure, Mr. Penn, but I think its uranium."
"Oh, goody - raw uranium. Does that mean we'll be seeing mutations?"
"Maybe, Mr. Carpenter. Now, before we lose the dailies completely, we jump from Wewak to Al - Kharam, not to be confused with Al - Jolson, which is further west, and cover a revolt that is swiftly dealt with. From there we fade to the year 1728, and hop from Mahe to Mauritius to Bourbon as Legal Counsels are duly appointed. Next, we return to Lisbon as a Foreign Drill Instructor is hired to shape up the troops."
"Who is that guy, Steele? He looks familiar."
"Lee Ermey, Mr. Scorsese. He's perhaps best known as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in
Full Metal Jacket"
"Ah, yes. Kubrick's film. Not a bad flick, though for the life of me I didn't see
anyone wear a metal coat throughout the entire film. Ermey looks kind of odd in a powdered wig and hose, don't you think?"
"I can arrange to have you tell him to his face, sir. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to discuss it with you."
"Er, no bother, Steele. I'll be out of town."
"Shame, sir. Anyway, the training covers the balance of the year. We enter 1729 and cut to Baluchistan and... oh, I see that Mr. Carpenter's already wetting himself with joy. As you've probably noticed, we center on the effects of a massive plague that culls the herd by about 2,000 souls. We leave that rather pleasant scene and jump to the island of Tindore as the colonists celebrate Colonial Status, then we slide into 1730. We have the obligatory scenes concerning a Legal Counsel in Matagorda and a fortress in Pecos, then it's over to Tuscaloosa as they too, achieve colonial status."
"What's that Aztec warrior doing, Steele?"
"He's flashing his privates at the Portuguese Governor, Mr. Penn. It graphically illustrates Aztec displeasure over a boundary dispute."
"Will Portugal do something about that insult?"
"You'll have to wait and see, Mr. Smithee. Lights..."
