Steele's Condo
"Dick?"
"Yes, Trixie?"
"Let's do something."
"Sure. Just give me another minute..."
"I don't mean that. Let's take a break for a while. I want to go out somewhere."
"Oh, sure honey. Where would you like to go?"
"I don't know... maybe see a movie?"
"Could do."
"Great. Any idea what's playing?"
"Well, we could see Triple X."
"I don't want to go see some porno flick, Dick. They just get me... they just get you all hot and bothered."
"It's not a porno, honeybunch. It's a spy movie with Vin Diesel."
"I'm not sure if I want to see a movie that stars a truck."
"No, silly girl, Vin Diesel's the name of the actor."
"I see. Silly name."
"No sillier than Rip Torn, my little dust bunny. Let's see, the starting times are 6:40, 9:00, and 11:30."
"Do we have time to make the 6:40 showing?"
"I don't think so. Something's just come up. Wanna make it the 9:00 showing?"
"Ohhh, Dick! How about 11:30?"
"By then we'll be ready for bed. Let's try for Sunday, then."
JS Studios
"Smithee here, what's up? Yeah, I'm fine now. I was just a wee bit under the weather for the past couple of weeks. So what's this about? Uh-huh. I see. A theme song... you think we need a theme song, do you? I'll bite... who did you have in mind? Who? Nelly Fur - who? Furtado? Never heard of her. Who? Elton John? Whoa, that Nelly. I see. Uh-huh... yes... uh-huh... doesn't she sing for the 10 year old demographic? Huh? Older? Can't be much older, she does rap, doesn't she? Anyone else in mind? Uh-huh... Britney? She's a possibility. Her careers' on the downswing... uh-huh... yeah... uh-huh... people are starting to listen to artists who actually play instruments and sing without lip-sincing. Tell you what, next time you see her, give the girl some advice from me, OK? Huh? Oh, the advice... yeah... tell her to do a spread in Playboy... look what it did for Madonna's career... just make sure she's clean shaven and settled on a final boob size... right... Ok... uh-huh... OK... right... gotta go... talk later, mom."
JS Studios - Screening Room
"Good day, gentlemen. Before I begin, let me introduce you to the casually dressed group seated near the front. They're representatives of CBIH Holdings, so be on your best behaviour. Lights. At the end of our last Episode we had just reached the year 1710, finishing a rather successful war against Persia. We open this segment with the successful colonisation of Pecos. Note how quickly the Portuguese take to the sombrero. We jump to newly controlled Hadramut as the ungrateful ingrates ingratiate themselves with their new owners. The revolt is suppressed rather quickly, and the ringleaders dealt with in the Persian manner."
"Are those people sitting on poles, Steele? Are they flagpole sitters? That's a funny punishment."
"Allow me, Steele. Mr. Scorsese, they have been impaled... I - M - P - A - L - E - D... impaled. It's a form of death that involves shoving a pike through the rectum in such a way that..."
"Please, Mr. Carpenter, you're spooking the guests."
"Oh. Sorry, gentlemen."
"Anyway, from Hadramut we hop back to Lisbon. The military thinkers are showing the newly crowned King John V their latest creation, followed by a quick trip down to the wharves as the naval thinkers vie for the same kind of attention. Next we cut to Cupica and witness a merchant ship land its crew to establish a Trade Post. Then we enter the year 1711 and do a montage of scenes that cover the appointment of Legal Counsels in Mobile, Bermuda and the Bahamas."
"Why the Bahamas, Steele? Why not Guadaloupe?"
"Mainly because it's better in the Bahamas, Mr. Penn. Next we cut to the island of Socotra as the first colony ship arrives to establish a permanent Portuguese presence, then jump to Bulgaria and deal with a revolt. The rebels are treated compassionately by the victorious Portuguese. From there we jump to Al - Kharam, not to be confused with Al - Jarreau, which is further north. The writers decided to show that not all people of Persian descent resent Portuguese control, and wrote in a scene with the grateful population building a Goods Manufactory in honour of their Iberian brethren."
"That hardly seems realistic, Steele."
"I didn't write this, Mr. Penn. If you want the scenes re-shot and all this footage tossed, then talk to the representatives near the front. I'm sure they'll understand, and look to cut costs elsewhere."
"Er, no problem, Steele. In retrospect, the idea is very good. I say score one for the writers."
"Fortunately 1712 is not an eventful year, since we've almost missed it. There was a Legal Counsel appointment in the Bayou and a subplot dealing with the eradication of Corruption in the Government, causing a loss of money in the treasury and some unrest with the population."
"Heh, that's a good one, Steele. Benicio del Toro as King John V, and corruption in the government... Ha! HA!"
"Glad we could amuse you, Mr. Scorsese. We enter the year 1713 and deal with a rebellion in Dofhar. Then we cut to Rio Grande as the fleet unloads General de Sousa and some 11,000 CGI troops. Ah, Mr. Carpenter, I see you squirming in your seat."
"Yes, Steele. Are we going to war?"
"Well, maybe not Jack Shit Studios, but Portugal is."
"Oh, boy!"
"If anyone can remember the insult that the Aztecs threw Portugal's way some time ago, then you should know that the Portuguese spent the past couple of years biding their time and moving troops into position. So, we cut to the scene where war is declared, then fade to General de Sousa as he marches into Tampico at the head of 11,000 infantry, 2,300 cavalry and 20 cannon."
"What about Portugal's allies, Steele?"
"You mean 'ally', Mr. Penn. Portugal declined help from the Papal States, deciding to go this one alone. Anyway, here in the teeming jungles of Mexico the Portuguese defeat an Aztec army, then lay siege to the capital of Tampico."
"That was rather swift, Steele. The Aztecs didn't show much heart."
"Er, right, Mr. Carpenter. We jump halfway across the world to the island of Socotra as it celebrates official Colonial Status, then return to Tampico to witness an army of 14,000 Aztec warriors engage the Portuguese. The resulting battle is lop-sided due to some disparity in technologies, and the natives are sent reeling in defeat."
"Look at those feathers fly. These Aztecs have to have heart, Steele."
"Right, Mr. Carpenter. As you can see, the Aztecs are nothing if not brave, or foolhardy, depending on your point of view. They return almost immediately with another 16,000 men. Sadly for them, the result is the same."
"With all those feathers lying around you could sure make a lot of pillows. I must say that I'm rather disappointed in the lack of heart the Aztecs have shown to date."
"Well, Mr. Carpenter, perhaps if they took a stroll to the summit of one of their pyramids they'd find all the hearts they'd ever want."
"Oh, yeah. Can we shoot some scenes of basins filled with fresh, pumping, newly ripped hearts? Can we... can we... huh... can we?"
"Mr. Carpenter, you're attracting attention from the front rows. Control yourself... there's a good man. Now, we depart 1713 and enter 1714. We leave the steamy jungles of Mexico and jump over to Dofhar and Al -Kharam - not to be confused with Al - Waxman, which is to the east. Both these possessions revolt, but the nonsense is short lived. Next we cut to Rumelia and... hold on to your seat, Mr. Carpenter... cover the effects of a plague that wipes out at least a thousand people. From there it's over to Lisbon as the military enhances it's fighting ability with yet more technological marvels."
"What kind of marvels, Steele?"
"Oh, probably something radical like gun sights. Ah, least we forget, the Navy grabs the King's coattails to show off their latest toy. You may have noticed that these technology advances are coming fast and furious, now. Next we return to Tampico and cover the final days of the city before it falls to the victorious Portuguese. The army marches into Saltillo. We fade ahead and open with a shot of another army of Aztec warriors, about 14,000 strong, losing once more to the Portuguese. The capital of Saltillo comes under siege."
"These Aztecs aren't good for much, are they Steele?"
"Well, I wouldn't be quite so harsh, Mr. Scorsese. I'd say they're rather good at intercepting Portuguese bullets. Now we fade to the year 1715 and jump cut over to Tortuga. The local population has been rather busy, and seen fit to present King John V with a gift of five galleons. As the galleons sail to Rio Grande, we cut back to Mexico and follow a second Portuguese army as it marches into Tlaxcala, bringing the capital under siege. From there we jump to Salitllo in time to watch the city capitulate. The army marches to Tenochtitlan, totally unopposed, and sets siege to Mexico City."
"Ten-ok-tit-lan?"
"Close enough. Try repeating it three times, fast. From Mexico we jump to Masirah, then over to Zanzibar, and deal with a couple of unsuccessful revolts. Then its' back to the land of the jumping bean in time to witness the fall of Tlaxcala. From there we slide into the year 1716 and open with a grand set-piece battle. The Portuguese, under Boxleitner, have marched into Michoacan with 7,000 men. They face an Aztec army of some 27,000 warriors."
"Michoacan, Steele?"
"I know, Mr. Scorsese, it sounds like a brand of beer, or a tire company. Trust me, it's neither. The battle will be furious and bloody, but in the end the Portuguese will triumph. Sorry, Mr. Carpenter, there'll be no mass sacrifices of the vanquished. We fade from the battlefield and jump cut to Tenochtitlan, just in time to watch it surrender. The army rendezvous with the other Portuguese army in Michoacan, supplying enough men to bring the province under siege. Then we cut to Lisbon for the obligatory technology increases with the army and navy, then cover off revolts in Bulgaria, Riau and Timor."
"What's a Tumor?"
"It's not a Tumor! It's Timor, Mr. Penn. Now we're in 1717, only to find that Bulgaria has fallen under rebel control. The Portuguese army responds to the situation, teaching the peasants about loyalty, ownership and responsibility. We leave that happy province and return to Tehuacan in Mexico. Here we have yet another battle with the feathered natives. This time it's 14,000 Portuguese versus 43,000 Aztecs. No, that's not a shag carpet, it's a battlefield strewn with Aztec bodies. Portugal wins, again, and Tehuacan comes under siege. After that, events happen rather quickly. Michoacan falls, and the Aztecs offer Tampico, Michoacan, Guatamala, Tehuacan and Tlaxcala for peace. Not wanting to offend their hosts, King John V reluctantly agrees to take the land. The war is over."
"Wasn't much of a war, Steele. It was more like slaughter."
"Slaughter..."
"Control yourself, Mr. Carpenter, it's only a word. You're right, Mr. Smithee, but like I mentioned earlier, the technology gap between the two countries was quite dramatic. I've read the books myself."
"I didn't think you'd have time to read, Steele."
"Well, I do manage to grab five minutes here and there, usually while on the throne. That is, unless Trixie's taking a shower, then all bets are off. Anyway, I digress. The year finishes with the recapture of Bulgaria and a gift of 5 galleons in Wollongong."
"Why do these gifts of ships always end up in such strange places, Steele?"
"I'm not sure, Mr. Scorsese. I guess the writers have a bizarre sense of humour, or the drugs seriously impair their judgement. Maybe both... Next, we slip into 1718 and play a montage of Legal Counsel appointments in Barahona, Les Cayes and Tortuga; then go through the usual pissing contest between the land tech engineers and the naval engineers. As the year draws to a close General de Sousa enters El Paso and promptly has a disagreement with the locals. Afterwards, a few merchants establish a Trade Post, thereby claiming the land for Portugal. 1719 follows much the same path, with Legal Counsels in Tampico, Tehuacan and Tlaxcala, and a Mayor in Mobile."
"This King John V means business, Steele."
"Well, Mr. Smithee, when you run an import business the way Benicio del Toro does the money veritably rolls in. Anyway, a colony is established in El Paso, then we cut across the ocean to cover a rebel invasion of Kosovo. They Rebels came from neighbouring Albania - still nominally controlled by Aragon. The rebels are sent packing. So, as we watch their backsides get pushed across the Albanian border, we fade to the credits. Lights..."
