Thanks for bringing Jacobs back.
Let me guess the
title...hmmm..
Portugal: There Goes the Nieghborhood
Let me guess the title...hmmm..
Portugal: There Goes the Nieghborhood
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Well, at least the Austrians should save you from being the Bad Boy.
Trixie seems to be truly inspiring! You don't have a picture around?
Trixie seems to be truly inspiring! You don't have a picture around?
I think this phenomenon is caused by Poland being unlucky or just plain stupid. If you look carefully, you'll see that most of Austria's gains are pretty normal - the former Venetian coast, ex-Burgundy, and ex-Hungary. It's those provinces that should be Polish that turn Austria from respectable empire to land-grabbing uber-nation. I bet if you look in your history logs you'll find a few lines like "Austria joined the war on the same as ABC in their war against XYZ and Poland." The technologically impoverished Poles never stand a chance.
LD, your Austria will be dealt a blow soon ... Dutch revolt coming up, and we all know how wonderfully the AI handles that string of events.
And therein lies a plot twist worthy of Hollywood: Portugal, sympathetic to the Dutch struggle for freedom, allies with the Netherlands against their former oppressors! Just think of the merchandising ... Dutch Rebel action figures, and the Dutch Rebellion playset, complete with working levees - now your kids can flood the Austrian army clear into the ocean in your living room! (contains small parts - may not be suitable for children over 5 - batteries not included)
OHH, and just think of the cross-merchandising when coupled with my Dutch AAR.
I see BIG dollar signs (I'm sure only in Canadian dollars, however).
I see BIG dollar signs (I'm sure only in Canadian dollars, however).
You know, your Portugal is drifting farther and farther away from historicity; I'd say it's almost science fiction.
And any science-fiction miniseries, by U.S. law, must include the participation of Harlan Ellison.
And any science-fiction miniseries, by U.S. law, must include the participation of Harlan Ellison.
i noticed that even in my game as hungary, even when i was struggling, i was still several levels ahead of poland in land tech. probably because their huge empire makes research slow, and i think they're orthodox tech group?
in my game, it's the ottomans and suzdal that are huge. but one interesting note: it's the 1700's now and russia has never formed, due to the fact that muscovy still holds moscow. they're surrounded by mad suzdalians, but for some reason suzdal has never bothered to annex muscovy.
brave dutch freedom fighters and their portuguese backers fighting off endless hordes of habsburgs... sounds not much unlike the plot of star wars...
Portugal or Bust: The Director's Cut - rated PG-13
LOL Excellent new title LD. Very appropriate...and..what a great set up for naming the film - hilarious.
LOL
Excellent new title LD. Very appropriate...and..what a great set up for naming the film - hilarious.
Could we see some dead people soon? Oops... sorry, wrong movie.
How 'bout John Travolta telling us what they call sugar in The Caribbean?
"So, tell me 'gain 'bout them sugar farms... sugar's legal there, right?"
"Yeah, it's legal, but it ain't a hundred pe'cent legal... they only want you to eat it in certain designated places..."
"'N those're called 'Sugah Bahs'?"
"Yeah, but get a load of this..."
Love the new title!
So... is Jamaica settled yet, mon?
How 'bout John Travolta telling us what they call sugar in The Caribbean?
"So, tell me 'gain 'bout them sugar farms... sugar's legal there, right?"
"Yeah, it's legal, but it ain't a hundred pe'cent legal... they only want you to eat it in certain designated places..."
"'N those're called 'Sugah Bahs'?"
"Yeah, but get a load of this..."
Love the new title!
So... is Jamaica settled yet, mon?
An inspired new title. Are you sure you can get a PG13 rating by the board, though? I'm thinking that they might make you cut a few scenes (the golf game comes to mind).
I have been away from this thread for a awhile
But I just caught up and you are still doing an amazing job!
especially with Trixie...
But I just caught up and you are still doing an amazing job!
especially with Trixie...
Once again, thanks everyone. I have a post that will follow this shortly.
Prufrock451/KoN/Rictus: Shortly after that map, Charles V abdicated, giving Spain a fair amount of their land, but Austria's still impressive.
Baclpack: Having Jacobs around gave me the idea.
Sorcerer: I've thought of that, but I think we all have our own ideas of what Trixie looks like, so I think I'll leave it to the collective imaginations of the readers.
Roland D: Quite right. First Charles abdicates, and now the Dutch Revolt is coming... what will happen? Oh, and the action figures may just make it...
shawng1: Another wicked idea...
Prufrock451: Yes, Portugal's going where no Portugal has gone before. I'l have to find a spot for the Last Angry Man of Science Fiction (and consultant on the best SF series of all time, B5)
Norg: Yes, mon... by the Chinese...
MrT: Nothing graphic, it's all innuendo. Why, won't your parents let you read this anymore?
kurtbrian: Thank you. More Trixie coming up... In fact, I saw a movie advertised on the Movie Channel last night called 'Trixie'... go figure...
Prufrock451/KoN/Rictus: Shortly after that map, Charles V abdicated, giving Spain a fair amount of their land, but Austria's still impressive.
Baclpack: Having Jacobs around gave me the idea.
Sorcerer: I've thought of that, but I think we all have our own ideas of what Trixie looks like, so I think I'll leave it to the collective imaginations of the readers.
Roland D: Quite right. First Charles abdicates, and now the Dutch Revolt is coming... what will happen?
Oh, and the action figures may just make it...shawng1: Another wicked idea...
Prufrock451: Yes, Portugal's going where no Portugal has gone before. I'l have to find a spot for the Last Angry Man of Science Fiction (and consultant on the best SF series of all time, B5)
Norg: Yes, mon... by the Chinese...
MrT: Nothing graphic, it's all innuendo. Why, won't your parents let you read this anymore?
kurtbrian: Thank you. More Trixie coming up... In fact, I saw a movie advertised on the Movie Channel last night called 'Trixie'... go figure...
Jack Shit Studios
"Good morning, Trixie. You look positively upstanding... er, outstanding... oh, never mind."
"Good morning to you too, Mr. Smithee. Do you like my outfit?"
"What outfit?"
"Silly. Val Kilmer's on line three."
"Who?" Turner asked as Trixie bounded out the door. He punched a button. "Smithee here! Huh? Klimer? Val Klimer? Never heard of her! What? Kilmer? Sorry. Still never heard of her. What? It's you? What do you mean it's you? You're a guy. Guys don't go around calling themselves Val. What's that? Oh, you do. What's it short for then, Valance? No, I'm not trying to be a smart-ass... What do you want, anyway?" Smithee reached for a stogie. "A part in the mini-series, is it? Don't agents usually call to arrange these things? Uh-huh. I see. You no longer have an agent. He... deserted you, did he? Why, if I can ask? I see. He thought you made a poor career choice starring in The Saint. What kind of crap you trying to pull, Klimer? Roger Moore's The Saint, you sound way too young to... what's that? Oh, the movie version... ah, that Val Kilmer. Listen, son. I saw you in The Saint, and in The Island of Dr. Moreau, and in Red Planet. Two words... fat chance..."
On Location
"CUT!" Sam Raimi turned in disgust and walked away from the set, hands on hips, head jerking back and forth as he mumbled uncontrollably to himself. The cast and crew stopped and stared, their eyes wandering from the director, to a pair of actors running along a roof top, and back to the director.
After several moments, the Director of Photography shrugged at the crew and joined Raimi. "What's up, Sam?"
The Director glanced at the pair, who were standing still and looking back with a bemused expression. "Just who the hell are they?"
"Them? Oh, that's Michelle Yeoh on the left, and Chow Yun Fat on the right. They're here to do that all-important Portuguese - Chinese scene. You know, the one where China..."
"I know the scene! Tell me, why do they have to continually run up the walls and across these roof-tops? Especially while I'm trying to shoot this regency scene? Ian McKellan's wearing at least 100 pounds of costume, for Christ's sake!"
The Director of Photography scratched his head. "I guess some habits are hard to break, Sam. Tell you what, I'll go have a word with them."
"Good. Now, where's Bruce Campbell?"
Jack Shit Studios - Conference Room
The Bosses voice drifted ethereally through the dimly lit, cigarette filled board room. "Very good work, ladies and gentlemen. I've seen the finished product, including that last minute title change, and I wholeheartedly approve. You'll be happy to know we've been slotted against NYPD Blue."
There was a collective sigh of relief, some high-fives and pats on the back. One of the Suits said, "Thank God they put us opposite a good intelligent drama, and not some pabulum for the brain piece of crap like Survivor. We could have been canceled the first week."
"Don't you know it. At least now we have a chance to gain an audience."
The disembodied voice cut in, "Air time is slated for next Monday, leading off with the two-hour pilot. OK, now listen up. There has been some mention from Ancillaries about Action Figures for the kids and cross promotions with existing shows..."
"I'm not sure about that, sir..."
"Bad idea, if you ask me..."
"We don't need no stinkin' cross promotions..."
"... and personally I think it's a good thing for the series..."
"I think we should do it!"
"Great idea, sir."
"Cross promotions are where its at, sir."
"Good. I'm glad we're all in agreement. Turner?"
"Sir?"
"Great work pulling this together. I think your man Steele deserves a hefty raise and a few words of gratitude."
"Uh, yes sir, and.. uh, thank you sir."
The voice clicked off, and all eyes swung on Turner. He pulled at his collar. "Well, I did have a wee bit of help with this..."
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"Good morning, gentlemen."
"Look, Steele, just cause The Boss blew smoke up your ass doesn't mean you should get cocky."
"What's that, Mr. Scorsese?"
"Ohhh, I love it when Dick gets cocky."
"Shhh! Look, Trixie, you'll have to be quiet, or I won't be able to let you in to see these rushes again."
"Sorry, Mr. Smithee."
"Right. Proceed, Steele."
"Lights. We open up Episode 3 with a new director, Sam Raimi, so expect some rather interesting camera angles. The year is now 1557, and King John III is on his death bed. As you can see, we introduce the character of Cardinal Henry, played by Sir Ian McKellan. He will become of paramount importance in this episode, as first he acts as regent for the young successor, Sebastian I, who is about 3 years old at this time, then later when he becomes King Henry after Sebastian's untimely death."
"Ohh, isn't Dick smart, Mr. Smithee?"
"Shh, Trixie. Trixie, can you wear a sweater next time?"
"Why do you always think I'm cold, sir?"
"Who plays Sebastian, Steele?"
"Matthew Broderick, Mr. Carpenter. We think he's the only actor around who can play anyone from age 10 to 30, with very little makeup. Anyway, we jump from those touching scenes in Lisbon to blustery Nova Scotia. Here we watch a Portuguese victory over some small pirate fleet. The victory allows the local army to salvage 20 cannon. From there we jump down to the island of Curacao, where 5,000 men suddenly appear on the shores screaming to join the army."
"Huh?"
"Honest, I didn't write this. From the shores of Curacao we jump to Lisbon to cover off the death of King John III, and the ascension of young Sebastian. As mentioned earlier, his uncle Henry will assume the regency for the next decade."
"Who are those two people running around the rooftops in the background? Are they on wires?"
"Oh, them. That's Michelle Yeoh on the left and Chow Yun Fat on the right. And no, they're not on wires. Apparently everyone in China can climb walls, tree branches, and fly. Anyway, those two lead us to the next scene, a scene that the writers have dubbed 'China went with Hold a small breathing hole open in Macao, in The Closure of China'. This is a roundabout way of saying that China hands over control of Guangdong to the Portuguese so they can maintain Western links."
"Western? Western as in cowboys, Steele?"
"No, Western as in hotel chain, Mr. Penn. Historically China isolated itself from Western Europe, but this alternative suggests they kept an eye open, hence the Portuguese receive Guangdong and act as China's agents. Next, we slide into the year 1558 and cut to the Winward Isles, just as the fleet defeats a pirate flotilla. Next we jump back to Lisbon and witness the Regent Henry, with little Sebastian in tow, meet with some military types to discuss improvements to the army. At this point, the Regent decides that Chief Judges would make good administrators."
"Chief Judges make good administrators? Why, Judge Judy couldn't administer a shopping expedition."
"Don't let her hear you say that, Mr. Penn. Anyway, we fade to a piece of land in the south part of Africa called Ciskei. A colony ship beaches and claims the land for Portugal. Then we jump to Fez and watch a few scenes with the population freely strengthening the city walls. From there we jump to Dalmatia and the isle of Ionia... remember them? The last vestiges of belligerence has dwindled to..."
"What the hell did you just say, Steele?"
"Er, the wind has gone out of their sails, Mr. Scorsese. I'll try to keep the big words down to a minimum. In a nutshell, Dalmatia and Ionia are no longer revolt risks, and Bailiffs are installed to firm up the tax base. From there we cut to Les Cayes as it achieves Colonial City status..."
"Aw... not that guy with the robe and gun again..."
"Just ignore him, sir. The audience likes to identify with reoccurring bit characters. From Les Cayes we jump to Spain. A Spanish possession, Lorraine, has declared her independence..."
"You go girl!"
"Trixie! Sit down!"
"Sorry, Mr. Smithee."
"Lorraine is the name of a country, dear. To continue, they separate from Spain and declare war. Spain looks to her allies, but England and Eire pull out, leaving Portugal. The regent Henry agrees to war, knowing that Lorraine poses little threat. From Spain we jump back to Lisbon as the military types show off yet more improvements for the army. It's now 1561, and we jump cut to the brand-spanking new Portuguese possession of Guangdong, located on the coast of China. Here, we cover off a few scenes of local troops training to become the new resident militia."
"Look at all the people jumping and flying in the background..."
"We cut back to Granada as a revolt erupts, then switch to Tangiers and watch the army board ship for a campaign to deal with those same rebels. From there we do a few quick scenes of Explorer Mem da Sa just as he leads an expedition into some swampland. He dies a horrible death from a dozen rather hungry alligators. Just don't ask me what swamp it is. Next we jump to a little island off the coast of Africa called Mahe, which becomes the proud recipient of a Portuguese Trading Post. From there, we cut to Granada and witness the remaining rebels as they are beaten mercilessly into the ground."
"Why would they be beaten mercilessly into the ground, Steele?"
"To be used as bicycle racks? It's just a figure of speech, sir. Maybe 'pounded into submission and beheaded' would be more appropriate. We jump to the year 1562 and visit the palaces of Genoa. Here we witness the renewal of a Marriage of State. Next, we advance to the year 1563, and the court of Spain, as they claim the important role of 'Defender of the Christian Faith."
"Sounds like a rather empty title, Steele."
"Yes, sir. I believe we've had this conversation a couple of times in the past."
"You calling me senile, Steele?"
"Never, Mr. Scorsese, just forgetful. Now we hop from Spain to Lisbon and witness a very touching succession of scenes. Sebastian has gone temporarily insane, a trick the writers have decided to use to suggest that this madness may be hereditary."
"How old is the lad, Steele?"
"I dunno, about 8, I think."
"Isn't that a little young to be going mad?"
"Not really, just look at Macauley Culkin."
"Yeah, I see your point."
"We're now in the year 1564, and the Explorer and erstwhile Governor, Martine de Sousa, dies while on expedition in the New World."
"Is that his body? What's that gnawing on his body?"
"I think it's a rabid wolverine, sir."
"Funny, it doesn't look like Chris Benoit."
"You got me there, Mr. Carpenter..."
"I wasn't trying to be funny..."
"Oh. My apologies. If I can bring your attention back to the screen, you'll see that we are now in the year 1565. The next few scenes you see were shot on the site of Tortuga. We took advantage of the scenery to utilise the part of the story where Tortuga achieves Colonial status."
"I know Tortuga, everyone! That's where the notorious pirate John The Feet came from."
"Er, yes, Mr. Penn. Your knowledge pummels me into submission, sir. Oh, quick, look, we're now in Rumelia, just in time to watch a Bailiff disembark and set up shop. From there we jump all the way down to Ciskei. Why Ciskei, you ask? Well, an Explorer named Alegre has arrived to arrange a series of maritime expeditions. Alegre is played by Martin Donovan. As the lad sets off toward the rising sun, we cut to Lisbon and explore a few delicate scenes between Regent Henry and a fully recovered Future King Sebastian. Here, they decide on a Court Painter to show the world that Portugal is really a very cultured place."
"That Court Painter looks an awful lot like that old guy with the gun and the robes..."
"Very perceptive, sir. The old guy said he had experience painting ceilings and things. Now we fade to the year 1566, and witness a meeting with the local merchants as they discuss the positive effects of Trade Embargoes, an idea they picked up from abroad."
"Dick! How dare you! There's absolutely no reason for you to be so derogatory toward women! I never! Nothing for you tonight!"
"Trixie! SIT! DOWN!"
"Sorry, Mr. Smithee, but..."
"Trixie, my darling little wild and reckless bunny, I said abroad, not a - broad."
"Did you? Oops. Sorry. Will you forgive me, my sweet, gentle, caring, relentless pile-driver of a man? Never mind what I said about tonight."
"IF we look at the screen, ladies and gentlemen, you will see that relations with Spain have deteriorated to the point where Spain has no desire to renew a Royal Marriage with Portugal. Aragon, on the other hand, is only too eager to find yet another lithesome, young, Portuguese bride. After a rather wild party, we cut to Alegre just as he discovers the island of Bourban, located due east off the coast of Madagascar."
"So that's where that drink comes from, eh, Steele?"
"Every last drop of it, sir. We have now reached the year 1567. We cut to Lisbon and watch as some military experts showcase a major improvement to the army, then jump back to Bourban and witness the first colony ship as it arrives. We leave the island as the settlers begin construction of a permanent place to live. As we fade from that, we cut to Alegre and his discovery of Mauritius, an island that is basically a hop-step from Bourbon. From there we slide back to southern Africa just as a small army enters Transkei and peacefully slaughters the locals. Then it's back to Lisbon as the navy types try to impress the nobility with the latest in ship technology."
"Is this almost finished, Steele?"
"Just a bit wee bit longer, Mr. Carpenter. I know you have an important appointment on the golf course later his morning. The year is now 1568, and Regent Henry steps aside, allowing King Sebastian I to rule all by his little self. This coincides with the successful establishment of Trade Posts in Transkei and on the island of Mauritius. We cut back to Portugal and watch the navy people rush in with yet more exciting breakthroughs, then we fade to the year 1569 when the same naval engineers unveil yet more modern technology: bronze cannon."
"Bronze cannon? What kind of cannon were they using before that, stone?"
"Heh heh, very funny, Mr. Penn..."
"I wasn't being funny..."
"Right. Look, I'll check with the writers on that one. From Lisbon we cut to Ciskei as it achieves Colonial status, then touch on the Bahamas and the Bayou as they receive Bailiffs. Next we jump to Curitiba on the coast of South America. Curitaba is important because it's the first foothold by Portugal on the South American land mass. Here, they establish a Trading Post."
"What took Portugal so long to reach South America, Steele? They should have been there ages ago."
"Well, the writers wanted to give the Portuguese a very unique opponent in the colonisation department, and at the same time make this opponent very successful."
"Yeah, well, I guess it's wise not to piss Spain off too much, eh?"
"Hmm. It's not Spain, sir. Remember Jamaica?"
"What? The Chinese? Are you trying to tell me that the Chinese are mass colonising the New World?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Smithee."
"Well, I'll be damned. Interesting concept..."
"And I know how they're doing it, Turner! They're jumping and flying across the Pacific!"
"Aw, shut up, Carpenter! Anything else, Steele?"
"Just this. Toward the end of 1569 the Netherlands become independent from Spain. Consequently, they declare war on their former masters. Spain calls on Portugal and Spain's new allies consisting of Genoa, the Papal States and Eire, to help out. They all agree to join in, including Portugal."
"Oh, goody. War."
"Lights."
"Good morning, Trixie. You look positively upstanding... er, outstanding... oh, never mind."
"Good morning to you too, Mr. Smithee. Do you like my outfit?"
"What outfit?"
"Silly. Val Kilmer's on line three."
"Who?" Turner asked as Trixie bounded out the door. He punched a button. "Smithee here! Huh? Klimer? Val Klimer? Never heard of her! What? Kilmer? Sorry. Still never heard of her. What? It's you? What do you mean it's you? You're a guy. Guys don't go around calling themselves Val. What's that? Oh, you do. What's it short for then, Valance? No, I'm not trying to be a smart-ass... What do you want, anyway?" Smithee reached for a stogie. "A part in the mini-series, is it? Don't agents usually call to arrange these things? Uh-huh. I see. You no longer have an agent. He... deserted you, did he? Why, if I can ask? I see. He thought you made a poor career choice starring in The Saint. What kind of crap you trying to pull, Klimer? Roger Moore's The Saint, you sound way too young to... what's that? Oh, the movie version... ah, that Val Kilmer. Listen, son. I saw you in The Saint, and in The Island of Dr. Moreau, and in Red Planet. Two words... fat chance..."
On Location
"CUT!" Sam Raimi turned in disgust and walked away from the set, hands on hips, head jerking back and forth as he mumbled uncontrollably to himself. The cast and crew stopped and stared, their eyes wandering from the director, to a pair of actors running along a roof top, and back to the director.
After several moments, the Director of Photography shrugged at the crew and joined Raimi. "What's up, Sam?"
The Director glanced at the pair, who were standing still and looking back with a bemused expression. "Just who the hell are they?"
"Them? Oh, that's Michelle Yeoh on the left, and Chow Yun Fat on the right. They're here to do that all-important Portuguese - Chinese scene. You know, the one where China..."
"I know the scene! Tell me, why do they have to continually run up the walls and across these roof-tops? Especially while I'm trying to shoot this regency scene? Ian McKellan's wearing at least 100 pounds of costume, for Christ's sake!"
The Director of Photography scratched his head. "I guess some habits are hard to break, Sam. Tell you what, I'll go have a word with them."
"Good. Now, where's Bruce Campbell?"
Jack Shit Studios - Conference Room
The Bosses voice drifted ethereally through the dimly lit, cigarette filled board room. "Very good work, ladies and gentlemen. I've seen the finished product, including that last minute title change, and I wholeheartedly approve. You'll be happy to know we've been slotted against NYPD Blue."
There was a collective sigh of relief, some high-fives and pats on the back. One of the Suits said, "Thank God they put us opposite a good intelligent drama, and not some pabulum for the brain piece of crap like Survivor. We could have been canceled the first week."
"Don't you know it. At least now we have a chance to gain an audience."
The disembodied voice cut in, "Air time is slated for next Monday, leading off with the two-hour pilot. OK, now listen up. There has been some mention from Ancillaries about Action Figures for the kids and cross promotions with existing shows..."
"I'm not sure about that, sir..."
"Bad idea, if you ask me..."
"We don't need no stinkin' cross promotions..."
"... and personally I think it's a good thing for the series..."
"I think we should do it!"
"Great idea, sir."
"Cross promotions are where its at, sir."
"Good. I'm glad we're all in agreement. Turner?"
"Sir?"
"Great work pulling this together. I think your man Steele deserves a hefty raise and a few words of gratitude."
"Uh, yes sir, and.. uh, thank you sir."
The voice clicked off, and all eyes swung on Turner. He pulled at his collar. "Well, I did have a wee bit of help with this..."
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"Good morning, gentlemen."
"Look, Steele, just cause The Boss blew smoke up your ass doesn't mean you should get cocky."
"What's that, Mr. Scorsese?"
"Ohhh, I love it when Dick gets cocky."
"Shhh! Look, Trixie, you'll have to be quiet, or I won't be able to let you in to see these rushes again."
"Sorry, Mr. Smithee."
"Right. Proceed, Steele."
"Lights. We open up Episode 3 with a new director, Sam Raimi, so expect some rather interesting camera angles. The year is now 1557, and King John III is on his death bed. As you can see, we introduce the character of Cardinal Henry, played by Sir Ian McKellan. He will become of paramount importance in this episode, as first he acts as regent for the young successor, Sebastian I, who is about 3 years old at this time, then later when he becomes King Henry after Sebastian's untimely death."
"Ohh, isn't Dick smart, Mr. Smithee?"
"Shh, Trixie. Trixie, can you wear a sweater next time?"
"Why do you always think I'm cold, sir?"
"Who plays Sebastian, Steele?"
"Matthew Broderick, Mr. Carpenter. We think he's the only actor around who can play anyone from age 10 to 30, with very little makeup. Anyway, we jump from those touching scenes in Lisbon to blustery Nova Scotia. Here we watch a Portuguese victory over some small pirate fleet. The victory allows the local army to salvage 20 cannon. From there we jump down to the island of Curacao, where 5,000 men suddenly appear on the shores screaming to join the army."
"Huh?"
"Honest, I didn't write this. From the shores of Curacao we jump to Lisbon to cover off the death of King John III, and the ascension of young Sebastian. As mentioned earlier, his uncle Henry will assume the regency for the next decade."
"Who are those two people running around the rooftops in the background? Are they on wires?"
"Oh, them. That's Michelle Yeoh on the left and Chow Yun Fat on the right. And no, they're not on wires. Apparently everyone in China can climb walls, tree branches, and fly. Anyway, those two lead us to the next scene, a scene that the writers have dubbed 'China went with Hold a small breathing hole open in Macao, in The Closure of China'. This is a roundabout way of saying that China hands over control of Guangdong to the Portuguese so they can maintain Western links."
"Western? Western as in cowboys, Steele?"
"No, Western as in hotel chain, Mr. Penn. Historically China isolated itself from Western Europe, but this alternative suggests they kept an eye open, hence the Portuguese receive Guangdong and act as China's agents. Next, we slide into the year 1558 and cut to the Winward Isles, just as the fleet defeats a pirate flotilla. Next we jump back to Lisbon and witness the Regent Henry, with little Sebastian in tow, meet with some military types to discuss improvements to the army. At this point, the Regent decides that Chief Judges would make good administrators."
"Chief Judges make good administrators? Why, Judge Judy couldn't administer a shopping expedition."
"Don't let her hear you say that, Mr. Penn. Anyway, we fade to a piece of land in the south part of Africa called Ciskei. A colony ship beaches and claims the land for Portugal. Then we jump to Fez and watch a few scenes with the population freely strengthening the city walls. From there we jump to Dalmatia and the isle of Ionia... remember them? The last vestiges of belligerence has dwindled to..."
"What the hell did you just say, Steele?"
"Er, the wind has gone out of their sails, Mr. Scorsese. I'll try to keep the big words down to a minimum. In a nutshell, Dalmatia and Ionia are no longer revolt risks, and Bailiffs are installed to firm up the tax base. From there we cut to Les Cayes as it achieves Colonial City status..."
"Aw... not that guy with the robe and gun again..."
"Just ignore him, sir. The audience likes to identify with reoccurring bit characters. From Les Cayes we jump to Spain. A Spanish possession, Lorraine, has declared her independence..."
"You go girl!"
"Trixie! Sit down!"
"Sorry, Mr. Smithee."
"Lorraine is the name of a country, dear. To continue, they separate from Spain and declare war. Spain looks to her allies, but England and Eire pull out, leaving Portugal. The regent Henry agrees to war, knowing that Lorraine poses little threat. From Spain we jump back to Lisbon as the military types show off yet more improvements for the army. It's now 1561, and we jump cut to the brand-spanking new Portuguese possession of Guangdong, located on the coast of China. Here, we cover off a few scenes of local troops training to become the new resident militia."
"Look at all the people jumping and flying in the background..."
"We cut back to Granada as a revolt erupts, then switch to Tangiers and watch the army board ship for a campaign to deal with those same rebels. From there we do a few quick scenes of Explorer Mem da Sa just as he leads an expedition into some swampland. He dies a horrible death from a dozen rather hungry alligators. Just don't ask me what swamp it is. Next we jump to a little island off the coast of Africa called Mahe, which becomes the proud recipient of a Portuguese Trading Post. From there, we cut to Granada and witness the remaining rebels as they are beaten mercilessly into the ground."
"Why would they be beaten mercilessly into the ground, Steele?"
"To be used as bicycle racks? It's just a figure of speech, sir. Maybe 'pounded into submission and beheaded' would be more appropriate. We jump to the year 1562 and visit the palaces of Genoa. Here we witness the renewal of a Marriage of State. Next, we advance to the year 1563, and the court of Spain, as they claim the important role of 'Defender of the Christian Faith."
"Sounds like a rather empty title, Steele."
"Yes, sir. I believe we've had this conversation a couple of times in the past."
"You calling me senile, Steele?"
"Never, Mr. Scorsese, just forgetful. Now we hop from Spain to Lisbon and witness a very touching succession of scenes. Sebastian has gone temporarily insane, a trick the writers have decided to use to suggest that this madness may be hereditary."
"How old is the lad, Steele?"
"I dunno, about 8, I think."
"Isn't that a little young to be going mad?"
"Not really, just look at Macauley Culkin."
"Yeah, I see your point."
"We're now in the year 1564, and the Explorer and erstwhile Governor, Martine de Sousa, dies while on expedition in the New World."
"Is that his body? What's that gnawing on his body?"
"I think it's a rabid wolverine, sir."
"Funny, it doesn't look like Chris Benoit."
"You got me there, Mr. Carpenter..."
"I wasn't trying to be funny..."
"Oh. My apologies. If I can bring your attention back to the screen, you'll see that we are now in the year 1565. The next few scenes you see were shot on the site of Tortuga. We took advantage of the scenery to utilise the part of the story where Tortuga achieves Colonial status."
"I know Tortuga, everyone! That's where the notorious pirate John The Feet came from."
"Er, yes, Mr. Penn. Your knowledge pummels me into submission, sir. Oh, quick, look, we're now in Rumelia, just in time to watch a Bailiff disembark and set up shop. From there we jump all the way down to Ciskei. Why Ciskei, you ask? Well, an Explorer named Alegre has arrived to arrange a series of maritime expeditions. Alegre is played by Martin Donovan. As the lad sets off toward the rising sun, we cut to Lisbon and explore a few delicate scenes between Regent Henry and a fully recovered Future King Sebastian. Here, they decide on a Court Painter to show the world that Portugal is really a very cultured place."
"That Court Painter looks an awful lot like that old guy with the gun and the robes..."
"Very perceptive, sir. The old guy said he had experience painting ceilings and things. Now we fade to the year 1566, and witness a meeting with the local merchants as they discuss the positive effects of Trade Embargoes, an idea they picked up from abroad."
"Dick! How dare you! There's absolutely no reason for you to be so derogatory toward women! I never! Nothing for you tonight!"
"Trixie! SIT! DOWN!"
"Sorry, Mr. Smithee, but..."
"Trixie, my darling little wild and reckless bunny, I said abroad, not a - broad."
"Did you? Oops. Sorry. Will you forgive me, my sweet, gentle, caring, relentless pile-driver of a man? Never mind what I said about tonight."
"IF we look at the screen, ladies and gentlemen, you will see that relations with Spain have deteriorated to the point where Spain has no desire to renew a Royal Marriage with Portugal. Aragon, on the other hand, is only too eager to find yet another lithesome, young, Portuguese bride. After a rather wild party, we cut to Alegre just as he discovers the island of Bourban, located due east off the coast of Madagascar."
"So that's where that drink comes from, eh, Steele?"
"Every last drop of it, sir. We have now reached the year 1567. We cut to Lisbon and watch as some military experts showcase a major improvement to the army, then jump back to Bourban and witness the first colony ship as it arrives. We leave the island as the settlers begin construction of a permanent place to live. As we fade from that, we cut to Alegre and his discovery of Mauritius, an island that is basically a hop-step from Bourbon. From there we slide back to southern Africa just as a small army enters Transkei and peacefully slaughters the locals. Then it's back to Lisbon as the navy types try to impress the nobility with the latest in ship technology."
"Is this almost finished, Steele?"
"Just a bit wee bit longer, Mr. Carpenter. I know you have an important appointment on the golf course later his morning. The year is now 1568, and Regent Henry steps aside, allowing King Sebastian I to rule all by his little self. This coincides with the successful establishment of Trade Posts in Transkei and on the island of Mauritius. We cut back to Portugal and watch the navy people rush in with yet more exciting breakthroughs, then we fade to the year 1569 when the same naval engineers unveil yet more modern technology: bronze cannon."
"Bronze cannon? What kind of cannon were they using before that, stone?"
"Heh heh, very funny, Mr. Penn..."
"I wasn't being funny..."
"Right. Look, I'll check with the writers on that one. From Lisbon we cut to Ciskei as it achieves Colonial status, then touch on the Bahamas and the Bayou as they receive Bailiffs. Next we jump to Curitiba on the coast of South America. Curitaba is important because it's the first foothold by Portugal on the South American land mass. Here, they establish a Trading Post."
"What took Portugal so long to reach South America, Steele? They should have been there ages ago."
"Well, the writers wanted to give the Portuguese a very unique opponent in the colonisation department, and at the same time make this opponent very successful."
"Yeah, well, I guess it's wise not to piss Spain off too much, eh?"
"Hmm. It's not Spain, sir. Remember Jamaica?"
"What? The Chinese? Are you trying to tell me that the Chinese are mass colonising the New World?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Smithee."
"Well, I'll be damned. Interesting concept..."
"And I know how they're doing it, Turner! They're jumping and flying across the Pacific!"
"Aw, shut up, Carpenter! Anything else, Steele?"
"Just this. Toward the end of 1569 the Netherlands become independent from Spain. Consequently, they declare war on their former masters. Spain calls on Portugal and Spain's new allies consisting of Genoa, the Papal States and Eire, to help out. They all agree to join in, including Portugal."
"Oh, goody. War."
"Lights."
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Not The Rock...but...still good.
Thanks for updating this so much more frequently than I update my own AAR.
LD,
Is there any actor you won't get a dig in on in this AAR. Absolutely hilarious.
Is there any actor you won't get a dig in on in this AAR.
Absolutely hilarious.
Is "peacefully slaughtering the locals" anything like a defensive compassionate invasion?
I'd join.
What about old Arnie Shwarzxyqnegggar? Could make an interesting Austrian counterpart...
What about old Arnie Shwarzxyqnegggar? Could make an interesting Austrian counterpart...
Yet more quality writing LD. I don't know how you manage to produce so much of it every day?