Pierre Elliott Trudeau Memorial Golf & Country Club
"What you doing, Steele? You'll never reach the green with an iron. Use a wood, like this one. Tell him, Trixie... Trixie, what are you doing?"
"Washing Dick's balls, Mr. Smithee."
"...I had to ask..."
It was the annual Jack Shit Studios company golf tournament, and the course was crawling with JS employees, friends and celebrities. Steele found himself in a foursome with Turner Smithee, Ted 'Haywire' Function from Ancillaries, and celebrity guest Steve Buscemi. The pale, quirky actor had been invited along to be wooed for an unspecified role.
*whack*
"Jesus, you really got a hold of that one.' Smithee exclaimed. His wood sagged in his hand. "What iron did you use, Steele?"
"Five."
"Five? How'd you get that kind of range with a five iron... cheat?"
"I always cheat when I hit a golf ball, sir."
"Right. Well, if you can do it, so can I." Smithee stomped over to his caddie, a young, chinless teenager sporting a classic overbite. Turner's cigar worked furiously around his mouth.
Buscemi, who had trouble keeping his eyes from Trixie, turned up his nose at the sickly sweet smell of the stogie. "You know, it's proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-... uh, you know, cancer related."
Smithee spun about, his mouth open, ready to deliver a withering comeback. That is, until he realized who had spoken. Instead, he removed the cigar and let it drop to the ground. It smoldered away, blackening a patch of grass. "Really? I didn't know that. Thank you, Mr. Buscemi." He turned back to the caddie and mumbled, "Give me the bloody iron, and salvage that cigar when Buscemi ain't looking." Grasping the club, Smithee approached his ball, went through a minute of set-up and practice swings, finally reared back, and let loose.
"Nice form," Steele commented. "Nice form, eh Steve?"
Buscemi was preoccupied. "Extremely nice form. Oh... yeah... Turner, want me get the ball so you can try again?"
"I was distracted. Trixie was moving around too much."
"I was not."
Ted asked, "How come you're caddying, Trixie, don't you play?"
"I love to play, Mr. Function."
"I mean golf."
"Oh. It's not really my game. I'm just too uncoordinated, I guess. I have trouble swinging a club."
Buscemi mumbled, "No kidding. Probably can't see the ball, either."
While the banter went back and forth, Smithee walked the ten feet to retrieve his ball. He dropped it on the ground. "Bring me my three wood, boy, and be quick about it." He looked at everyone. "I'll take my mulligan on that one." He glared at Trixie. "Stand still next time."
"Who are those people?" Buscemi asked, pointing at a group of six at the next hole. There were four men and two women. The two women were pushing and pulling at one another.
Steele said, "Them? They're our writers."
"Do they always play as a, er... sixsome?"
"Naw. Just the men actually play. Each year the women say they will, but end up scrapping from the first hole to the nineteenth."
"I see. The one who looks like a Marine drill sergeant appears to be enjoying herself."
"I wouldn't doubt that for a second, but don't say it to her face."
"Right. I think that's wise. Say, what's with this course, anyway? All the holes dogleg to the left."
"It has to do with the former Prime Minister it was named after."
"When you gentlemen finish chatting, I'd like to take my shot." Smithee snapped. "Trixie, why don't you go do something."
Trixie shrugged, which brought about a round of groans. "Sure. I guess I can go clean Dick's nine iron... hey, where's everyone going? Mr. Smithee, aren't you going to play your shot? Dick, what did I say?"
Jack Shit Studios - Editing Room
"I never thought I'd see the day when Coca-Cola and Pepsi would do a commercial together."
"I never thought I'd see the day when Robert de Niro would dress in spandex and slam-dance with Britney Spears."
"Frankly, the highlight for me was Michael Jackson rising behind them with his hair on fire."
"What's so surprising about that? Now that he's broke, I've heard he'll do anything for money. Rumour has it he'll soon be hawking a line of cosmetics on the Home Shopping Network."
"Really? Well then, all that's missing is a flying Christopher Walken."
Roger Corman slapped his forehead. "Damn it. I knew I forgot something!"
Jack Shit Studios - Screening Room
"Good morning, gentlemen. Enjoy the tournament yesterday?"
"Get on with it, Steele. We're busy men."
"Oh, little testy this morning? Handicaps take a beating? Pity. Lights. It's the year 1541, and we fade into the royal court of Spain as a Marriage of State is consummated with Portugal, then we cut to the court of Aragon for the same purpose. After several scenes covering the festivities, we jump to Vienna where the Holy Roman Emperor decides they want nothing more to do with Portuguese royal blood. We fade back to Lisbon. As you can tell by the fake snow, it's early winter. King John III receives the rather disturbing news of Austria's decision. It has the unforeseen effects of upsetting the King enough to throw him into a bout of temporary insanity."
"Does that explain why he's trashing the set and the cameras?"
"Well, somewhat. In reality, he was rather pissed when he heard that some of his soft-shoe scenes with Britney Spears were left on the cutting room floor. You know, from that commercial he shot a few days ago? Well, he has a rather volatile temper. Anyway, we decided to use as much of the footage as we could. The bits where he destroys the light stands, the microphone boom and the cameras will be edited out at a later date."
"Carry on, Steele."
"Yes, sir. We jump to the year 1542 as the explorer Mem de Sa discovers Karoo. From there, we jump to a colony ship as it arrives several months later to settle the new discovery, all in the name of Portugal."
"What in God's name is a Karoo, Steele?"
"You don't remember him, Mr. Scorsese? He played for the Minnesota Twins and California Angels. If I remember correctly, he was elected to the Hall of Fame in 1991."
"I don't have time for Opera, Steele."
"Of course. If you gentlemen look quickly, you will witness a scene where Spain claims the title of Sole Defender of the Christian Faith."
"Nice title, what's it mean?"
"Not really sure, sir, but I think it gives them first crack at kicking heathen butt. Now, we reach the year 1543, and the Explorer de Abreau dies while on expedition. After we watch his head shrunk to a manageable size by the natives, we cut to another explorer... sorry, I can't remember the name, discovering the occupied land of Tampico."
"Ah, I recognize those guys. They're the bird-men."
"Very adroitly put, Mr. Carpenter. We leave the Aztecs and hop-skip through the next few years. During that time Portugal establishes tax-offices in Morea, Biloxi and on the island of Bermuda, turns Gaspesie into a colonial city, and discovers Bushman in the southern climes of Africa. These events take us to the year 1545."
"I know where Biloxi and Bermuda are, Steele, but where is Morea?"
"In the Mediterranean, Mr. Penn. They export eels. Now, we reach the year 1546 and spend some time on the fledgling colony of St. Thomas. Note the look of joy on their collective faces as they receive a tax office. From there we jump to Macedonia in time to discover that the province is in the throws of a massive plague. Note the vacant eyes, pustules, blackened tongues and running sores. That was the cast, you should have seen the crew."
"Cool."
"In all, the population of Macedonia is halved by the time the disgusting disease runs its course. We whisk away from that delightful garden spot of decay to the island of Guadeloupe. It is now 1547 and the colony becomes a Colonial City. From there we cut to the Bay of Fundy, which lies off the coast of Nova Scotia, and a Portuguese fleet. It engages a fleet of pirate ships, and after a long battle that requires much special effects and network money, the Portuguese win, hanging the survivors."
"Wow! Look at those men swing."
"Yes, sir, must have been a stiff breeze. We fade to the year 1548, just as the King is afflicted with yet another bout of Temporary Insanity. We used some leftover footage from his first bout. From there we skip past a few years to 1550. Karoo becomes a Colonial City, the explorer de Sousa discovers Cartagena..."
"Huh? That's in Spain! What kind of a goof-up is this?"
"This is a different Cartagena, sir. Think of this place as 'Cartagena Junior'. Finally, to wrap the year we cut to a rather scruffy looking fellow preaching to a bunch of wide-eyed followers. The man's name is Jean Calvin."
"Calvin, is he? Well then, how come he's not wearing blue-jeans?"
"Well, er, he hasn't come up with the idea yet, Mr. Carpenter. Right now he's designing something called Religious Conversion."
"What kind of fad is that?"
"Shut up, Carpenter. Let's move this a long, Steele."
"Thank you, Mr. Smithee. We cut from... Calvin, back to Cartagena Junior, just in time to witness its colonisation. The year is 1551. From there we move onto 1552, and journey much further up the coast to Tampico. The heavily acted scenes you are watching depict a grave insult between the Aztecs and the Portuguese. It produces a rather kinky scandal that ties back to King John's on-again, off-again, insanity."
"Do we have war?"
"No, sir. The writers felt it would be unrealistic given the fragile state of the King's mind."
"Well, I want war. It's been a while since we've had a war. The viewers want war, the sponsors want war. I bet you even Jerry Falwell wants war."
"Well, frankly, I think Falwell needs something else other than war, but that's another topic. I'll talk to the writers. We fade into the year 1553, and some scenes of the Portuguese naval engineers showcasing for the King some of the latest advancements in fleet technology. From there we jump to Isle Royale and some celebratory scenes of its inauguration as a Colonial City. Back at the court of King John in Lisbon, we feature several gripping scenes as delegates from the Papal States, Genoa, and the Knights attempt to persuade Portugal to join their war against Austria, Savoy, Baden, Kleves and Tuscany."
"Oh goody. It's about time that..."
"But the King, in a rather lucid, and sane moment, declines."
"What?!"
"Going to war with Austria would be suicide for Portugal, Mr., Penn., even for a mini-series. They would stand to lose most of their hard won possessions. Bear in mind, sir, that even though they have gained a nice Mediterranean empire over the course of the past century, the rest of Europe still looks on them quite favourably. They want to maintain that favourable impression for as long as possible."
"Oh... damn."
"Well, you'll be happy to know that by pulling out of the alliance, the population becomes rather unhappy. Here we have scenes of unrest and minor rioting in the streets. From Lisbon, we slide to the year 1554. Portugal is approached by England, Eire and Spain to join their alliance. King John agrees, and seals the relationship by sending off a rather voluptuous Portuguese lass to London to consummate a Royal Marriage."
"She is rather voluptuous. Who is she?"
"Anna Nicole Smith. We told her there were lots of 90 year old, single, filthy rich men just ripe for the picking in London. She agreed to take the part based on that. Obviously, we don't really need anyone who can act for that sort of role. Anyway, from London we jump over to thick and zesty Ragusa and deal with a revolt. The rebellion is eventually squashed like an over-ripe tomato. After that, we move along the coast to Dalmatia, where we deal with yet another revolt. This one has the same result. Finally, to close off the year, the military engineers exhibit some fresh ideas to the King, including the radical concept of artillery."
"Artillery? Dear God, these people are rather primitive, eh Steele?"
"Well, it is the 1500s, Mr. Scorsese. Think back to your own younger days when they discovered flight. Now, before we miss the rest of today's rushes, we reach the year 1555. Barahona becomes a Colonial City. And, no, I haven't got a clue where Barahona is. Needless to say, the writers do, and they arrange to have a Bailiff dispatched there for tax purposes. And finally, in the year1556, Rumelia comes under siege from Rebel Scum. As the episode ends, we watch the Portuguese troops board ship for a journey to that far eastern province."
"That's it?"
"For today, Mr. Smithee. We can only produce this stuff so fast, you know. Lights..."
... er... is Jack still alive?
