You have a really nice large country John. I don't know how it will work far further with so many religions?
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It will be very...difficult to keep stability up with so many religions. I am working to hypnotise...er...convert as many of the Muslims as possible since non-christians are REALLY expensive for christian countries as far as stability is concerned. The sheer number of Orthodox is also troublesome.
Machiavellian: Indeed some flashy candidate always tricks the electorate into not voting for the candidates with real substance!
Just a popularity contest I tells ya!SoulBlazer: Sorry I couldn't use Pole, since it didn't fit into the rythym of the song
jwolf + Lofman: Well alot of the credit goes to the incompetence of the Muscowy/Suzdal AI and the unusual success of Lithuania though I did help the Lithuanians out in most of their wars. If Russia had formed earlier (as in when Lithuania still existed) many Russian provinces would have defected for example.
Arilou: Somehow I find the idea of the Autocratic Ivan IV the Terrible running for office (which he did in real life) pretty hilarious.
Its a story of King named Henri
Narrator: The rule of Henri I de Valois meant a dramatic change in many long-standing Polish policies.
Henri I de Valois: Hmmmm…I need more money to finance spreading my new legal code to this kingdom, western-style Chief Judges to help civilize this backwards and barbaric kingdom. Well advisor you know what to do.
Polish Advisor: Um…save up over the years until we can afford it?
Henri I de Valois: QUOI? Of course not! Call in all the coinage and devaluate it so we can have more money…surely even you Poles know about this non?
Polish Advisor: Um…sire wont that drastically reduce the value of our coinage in the long term? What about fiscal responsibility?
Henri I de Valois: Fiscal responsibility? What is this Germany? BAH! Look at France and Spain look at how glorious they are…and do you think either of them cares at all about fiscal responsibility? That is a pathetic Boche value mon ami, now get to devalueing!
Polish Advisor: Um yes your thriftiness.
Henri I de Valois: Sarcasm does not befit a servant of the crown! Also continue to send money to continue our colonial efforts in America.
Polish Advisor: America sire? I thought we were in India…
Henri I de Valois: Mon Dieu! Ils sont idiots, Les Polonais!
Polish Advisor: What?
Henri I de Valois: Nothing…anyway no you didn’t reach India…
Narrator: Henri I de Valois put in motion many reforms to bring his giant realm under control, including a small reform to Polish geography. He had few complaints about his wonderful kingdom and its new capitol. Well besides the food, the drink, how ugly the buildings were, how boring it was, how dirty the people were, how ugly the clothes were, the weather, the scenery, how ugly the women were, and the quality of the servants that is. But besides that, you could say Henri I de Valois considered Poland his paradise on earth.
Henri I de Valois: The more time I spend in this country, the more I think I must already be dead…
Polish Courtier: And gone to heaven my liege?
Henri I Valois: Um yes…heaven.
Narrator: Suddenly in 1574 a messenger arrived from Paris.
French Messenger: Monsieur le Duc d’Anjou!
Polish Advisor: He is King of Poland now!
French Messenger: Right. Anyway your sickly brother, Charles IX is dead and if you don’t return to La Belle France, the protestant Henri de Navarre is due to take throne! You must come save us and be king!
Henri IV de Navarre, King of France 1589-1610
Henri I de Valois: Well I…
Polish Advisor: Absolutely not! Henri I de Valois is King of Poland! He would never forsake that holy and sacred crown for the Crown of St. Louis!
Henri I de Valois: Oh yes…I would love to stay in this barbaric land freezing my ass off while my beloved homeland is taken over by protestants.
Polish Advisor: You see! Your quest is in vain!
Henri I de Valois: That reminds me…I seem to have left something in the stable.
French Courtier: Let me come with you my liege…I think I know where you left it.
Polish Advisor: Ok but be back soon, we have important business to discuss!
Narrator: Five minutes later…
Henri I de Valois sneaking out of Poland for France.
So a new election had to be called in 1574 and once again the electors were elected and marched to Warszawa for the election. There were really only two candidates this time. First was the Holy Roman Emperor Maximilian II, who promised to be a Kaiser und Konig and create the dual monarchy of The Holy Roman-Polish Empire. The K.u.K. did have a certain ring to it but The Holy Roman-Polish Empire just didn’t roll of the tongue very well.
The other was the King of Hungary, Stephen Bathory. He pointed out that his homeland of Transylvania was so close by that if he were to try to run away like Henri I de Valois, the Poles could easy cross the border and nab him. This was a persuasive campaign, its slogan “He can run but he can’t hide” was catchy as well. The only problem was the fact that Stephen Bathory was a Lutheran, as were almost all of the Hungarian gentry by this time, but Stephen assured the electors that “Warszawa is worth a mass”. Henri de Navarre thought his standards weren’t high enough.
To cement his support Stephen agreed to marry Zygmunt I Stary’s spinster daughter Anna Jagiello, marrying into the Jagiello Dynasty. Christofer Bathory would take Stephen’s place as King of Hungary.
Stephen I Bathory, King of Hungary 1571-1575, King of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów 1575-1586
Coin Minted during the reign of Stephen I Bathory
King Stephen I Bathory mostly continued his predecessors policies…well except he didn’t hold the country in complete contempt…but besides that small change Henri I de Valois policies of fiscal irresponsibility continued. The spread of the Polish Empire in Ind…er…America continued while the spread of the new chief judges and legal code and the funding of the Missionary Order of Hypnotists of St. Harvey of Hourneau. But what Stephen really wanted was a war, to lead the forces of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów into battle and bathe himself in glory.
Stephen I Bathory: Ok I want to go to war…
Polish Advisor: Um my liege our nation cannot go to war! Enemies within and without surround us. If we go to fight the separatists will rise in revolt and Russia, Sweden, and the German States…and probably your former Kingdom…will all invade. We will need a cause to go to war…a casus belli so to speak…and we will need to win it quickly before our enemies can mobilize.
Stephen I Bathory: Damn going to war is getting a lot more complicated these days.
Narrator: It seemed like Stephen I Bathory would have to amuse himself by leading the Wielka Armia Coronna across Poland and slaughtering separatist rebels.
* Sung to the tune of “Battle Cry of Freedom" *
Stephen I Bathory: The Union forever!
Hussars: HURRAH! BOYS HURRAH!
Stephen I Bathory: Death to the traitors!
Hussars: And burn down their farms!
Narrator: Meanwhile in Constantinople, an incompetent Sultan had taken the throne. Murad III’s only ambition as Sultan of the Empire of the House of Osman was to make money…lots of it. He was very annoyed that other countries were making lots of money in his center of trade in Constantinople and Alexandria so he started a trade embargo against several foreign countries. He foolishly embargoed his northern neighbor, Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów, when Stephen I Bathory was in a bellicose mood.
Turkish Pasha: The wise Sultan of all Turkey, Caesar of the Lands of Rome, etc…etc…et all Murad III pronounces a trade embargo on you King of the Polish infidel!
Stephen I Bathory: HURRAH! Send the Sultan my most gracious thanks and tell him I will be visiting him in Constantinople soon.
Confused Turkish Pasha: Why are you so happy? Does embargo mean something else to infidels?
Narrator: The armies of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów turned south towards the Balkans. The objective of the campaign was for Stephen I Bathory to ride down into Thrace and besiege Constantinople before the Turks could gather their army. Meanwhile Grand Royal Hetman Rudy Radziwill would take the infantry and artillery and besiege the city of Ismael in Bujak as well as Dobrudja and Rumelia. Stephen I Bathory hoped to defeat the Turks quickly and claim Bujak, a lost province of Moldavia that he claimed since Moldavia was part of the Union.
Grand Vizier Sokollu Mehmet Pasha: Ok prepare the great standard of the prophet! We will gather a vast army of one hundred thousand and crush these foolish infidel Poles!
Janissary: How soon can we gather this army Vizier?
Grand Vizier Sokollu Mehmet Pasha: Oh probably in a month or so why?
Janissary: Because the Poles are already here…
Grand Vizier Sokollu Mehmet Pasha: *&^%$#
Narrator: Without most of their army the Turks were defeated at Edirne by Stephen I Bathory’s 28,000 Hussars and Cossacks.
Cossacks in Stephen I Bathory’s army
Constantinople was now under siege. Meanwhile the desperate Turks began hurling their small armies piecemeal against the Union armies, not having a place to gather them.
2nd Battle of Varna 6 March 1578, Hetman Jan Zamojski leads the Druna Armia Coronna to victory over an attempted relief of the siege by Turkish troops.
Taking advantage of the war, rebels across Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów were emboldened to continue their separatist struggle and Persia, suspecting an opening, went to war with the Osmani. Not realizing that to continue the war another year might ruin Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów, Murad III foolishly (foolishness came pretty natural to him) handed over Bujak and many wagons to gold to Poland in December of 1578, at Stephen I Bathory’s camp outside Edirne. The treaty of Edirne made Stephen I Bathory famous throughout Europe and made his fragile realm, torn by strife and internal struggles, appear much stronger than it really was.
Stephen I Bathory receives the surrender of the Empire of the House of Osman near Edirne.
The war could not have gone much better. With Bujak added to the Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów, its border with the Turks now lay on the Danube River. The western border of Rzeczpospolita Polska, was on the Oder-Carpathians-Danube, a very defensible bastion indeed.
Unfortunately for the mighty warrior Stephen I Bathory, this would be his only chance at glory. None of the rest of his neighbors would be stupid enough to provoke Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów so he would have to be content with continuing to slaughter separatists. The rest of his realm was colonizing further in America and continuing the internal reforms to strengthen his realm.
After fighting and winning about 178 battles against separatists and leading Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów through a time of consolidation, Stephen I Bathory died 1587.
Once more the electors congregated at the Sejm in Warszawa for the next election. This time there would be a close two-way race…and the winner would guide Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów through a most interesting time.
Narrator: The rule of Henri I de Valois meant a dramatic change in many long-standing Polish policies.
Henri I de Valois: Hmmmm…I need more money to finance spreading my new legal code to this kingdom, western-style Chief Judges to help civilize this backwards and barbaric kingdom. Well advisor you know what to do.
Polish Advisor: Um…save up over the years until we can afford it?
Henri I de Valois: QUOI? Of course not! Call in all the coinage and devaluate it so we can have more money…surely even you Poles know about this non?
Polish Advisor: Um…sire wont that drastically reduce the value of our coinage in the long term? What about fiscal responsibility?
Henri I de Valois: Fiscal responsibility? What is this Germany? BAH! Look at France and Spain look at how glorious they are…and do you think either of them cares at all about fiscal responsibility? That is a pathetic Boche value mon ami, now get to devalueing!
Polish Advisor: Um yes your thriftiness.
Henri I de Valois: Sarcasm does not befit a servant of the crown! Also continue to send money to continue our colonial efforts in America.
Polish Advisor: America sire? I thought we were in India…
Henri I de Valois: Mon Dieu! Ils sont idiots, Les Polonais!
Polish Advisor: What?
Henri I de Valois: Nothing…anyway no you didn’t reach India…
Narrator: Henri I de Valois put in motion many reforms to bring his giant realm under control, including a small reform to Polish geography. He had few complaints about his wonderful kingdom and its new capitol. Well besides the food, the drink, how ugly the buildings were, how boring it was, how dirty the people were, how ugly the clothes were, the weather, the scenery, how ugly the women were, and the quality of the servants that is. But besides that, you could say Henri I de Valois considered Poland his paradise on earth.
Henri I de Valois: The more time I spend in this country, the more I think I must already be dead…
Polish Courtier: And gone to heaven my liege?
Henri I Valois: Um yes…heaven.
Narrator: Suddenly in 1574 a messenger arrived from Paris.
French Messenger: Monsieur le Duc d’Anjou!
Polish Advisor: He is King of Poland now!
French Messenger: Right. Anyway your sickly brother, Charles IX is dead and if you don’t return to La Belle France, the protestant Henri de Navarre is due to take throne! You must come save us and be king!
Henri IV de Navarre, King of France 1589-1610
Henri I de Valois: Well I…
Polish Advisor: Absolutely not! Henri I de Valois is King of Poland! He would never forsake that holy and sacred crown for the Crown of St. Louis!
Henri I de Valois: Oh yes…I would love to stay in this barbaric land freezing my ass off while my beloved homeland is taken over by protestants.
Polish Advisor: You see! Your quest is in vain!
Henri I de Valois: That reminds me…I seem to have left something in the stable.
French Courtier: Let me come with you my liege…I think I know where you left it.
Polish Advisor: Ok but be back soon, we have important business to discuss!
Narrator: Five minutes later…
Henri I de Valois sneaking out of Poland for France.
So a new election had to be called in 1574 and once again the electors were elected and marched to Warszawa for the election. There were really only two candidates this time. First was the Holy Roman Emperor Maximilian II, who promised to be a Kaiser und Konig and create the dual monarchy of The Holy Roman-Polish Empire. The K.u.K. did have a certain ring to it but The Holy Roman-Polish Empire just didn’t roll of the tongue very well.
The other was the King of Hungary, Stephen Bathory. He pointed out that his homeland of Transylvania was so close by that if he were to try to run away like Henri I de Valois, the Poles could easy cross the border and nab him. This was a persuasive campaign, its slogan “He can run but he can’t hide” was catchy as well. The only problem was the fact that Stephen Bathory was a Lutheran, as were almost all of the Hungarian gentry by this time, but Stephen assured the electors that “Warszawa is worth a mass”. Henri de Navarre thought his standards weren’t high enough.
To cement his support Stephen agreed to marry Zygmunt I Stary’s spinster daughter Anna Jagiello, marrying into the Jagiello Dynasty. Christofer Bathory would take Stephen’s place as King of Hungary.
Stephen I Bathory, King of Hungary 1571-1575, King of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów 1575-1586
Coin Minted during the reign of Stephen I Bathory
King Stephen I Bathory mostly continued his predecessors policies…well except he didn’t hold the country in complete contempt…but besides that small change Henri I de Valois policies of fiscal irresponsibility continued. The spread of the Polish Empire in Ind…er…America continued while the spread of the new chief judges and legal code and the funding of the Missionary Order of Hypnotists of St. Harvey of Hourneau. But what Stephen really wanted was a war, to lead the forces of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów into battle and bathe himself in glory.
Stephen I Bathory: Ok I want to go to war…
Polish Advisor: Um my liege our nation cannot go to war! Enemies within and without surround us. If we go to fight the separatists will rise in revolt and Russia, Sweden, and the German States…and probably your former Kingdom…will all invade. We will need a cause to go to war…a casus belli so to speak…and we will need to win it quickly before our enemies can mobilize.
Stephen I Bathory: Damn going to war is getting a lot more complicated these days.
Narrator: It seemed like Stephen I Bathory would have to amuse himself by leading the Wielka Armia Coronna across Poland and slaughtering separatist rebels.
* Sung to the tune of “Battle Cry of Freedom" *
Stephen I Bathory: The Union forever!
Hussars: HURRAH! BOYS HURRAH!
Stephen I Bathory: Death to the traitors!
Hussars: And burn down their farms!
Narrator: Meanwhile in Constantinople, an incompetent Sultan had taken the throne. Murad III’s only ambition as Sultan of the Empire of the House of Osman was to make money…lots of it. He was very annoyed that other countries were making lots of money in his center of trade in Constantinople and Alexandria so he started a trade embargo against several foreign countries. He foolishly embargoed his northern neighbor, Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów, when Stephen I Bathory was in a bellicose mood.
Turkish Pasha: The wise Sultan of all Turkey, Caesar of the Lands of Rome, etc…etc…et all Murad III pronounces a trade embargo on you King of the Polish infidel!
Stephen I Bathory: HURRAH! Send the Sultan my most gracious thanks and tell him I will be visiting him in Constantinople soon.
Confused Turkish Pasha: Why are you so happy? Does embargo mean something else to infidels?
Narrator: The armies of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów turned south towards the Balkans. The objective of the campaign was for Stephen I Bathory to ride down into Thrace and besiege Constantinople before the Turks could gather their army. Meanwhile Grand Royal Hetman Rudy Radziwill would take the infantry and artillery and besiege the city of Ismael in Bujak as well as Dobrudja and Rumelia. Stephen I Bathory hoped to defeat the Turks quickly and claim Bujak, a lost province of Moldavia that he claimed since Moldavia was part of the Union.
Grand Vizier Sokollu Mehmet Pasha: Ok prepare the great standard of the prophet! We will gather a vast army of one hundred thousand and crush these foolish infidel Poles!
Janissary: How soon can we gather this army Vizier?
Grand Vizier Sokollu Mehmet Pasha: Oh probably in a month or so why?
Janissary: Because the Poles are already here…
Grand Vizier Sokollu Mehmet Pasha: *&^%$#
Narrator: Without most of their army the Turks were defeated at Edirne by Stephen I Bathory’s 28,000 Hussars and Cossacks.
Cossacks in Stephen I Bathory’s army
Constantinople was now under siege. Meanwhile the desperate Turks began hurling their small armies piecemeal against the Union armies, not having a place to gather them.
2nd Battle of Varna 6 March 1578, Hetman Jan Zamojski leads the Druna Armia Coronna to victory over an attempted relief of the siege by Turkish troops.
Taking advantage of the war, rebels across Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów were emboldened to continue their separatist struggle and Persia, suspecting an opening, went to war with the Osmani. Not realizing that to continue the war another year might ruin Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów, Murad III foolishly (foolishness came pretty natural to him) handed over Bujak and many wagons to gold to Poland in December of 1578, at Stephen I Bathory’s camp outside Edirne. The treaty of Edirne made Stephen I Bathory famous throughout Europe and made his fragile realm, torn by strife and internal struggles, appear much stronger than it really was.
Stephen I Bathory receives the surrender of the Empire of the House of Osman near Edirne.
The war could not have gone much better. With Bujak added to the Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów, its border with the Turks now lay on the Danube River. The western border of Rzeczpospolita Polska, was on the Oder-Carpathians-Danube, a very defensible bastion indeed.
Unfortunately for the mighty warrior Stephen I Bathory, this would be his only chance at glory. None of the rest of his neighbors would be stupid enough to provoke Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów so he would have to be content with continuing to slaughter separatists. The rest of his realm was colonizing further in America and continuing the internal reforms to strengthen his realm.
After fighting and winning about 178 battles against separatists and leading Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów through a time of consolidation, Stephen I Bathory died 1587.
Once more the electors congregated at the Sejm in Warszawa for the next election. This time there would be a close two-way race…and the winner would guide Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów through a most interesting time.
Last edited:
"Warszawa is worth a mass."
"Your standards are too low."
Your story continues to be excellent! Very well done!
"Your standards are too low."
Your story continues to be excellent! Very well done!
Well that is a heroic 19th century nationalist painting...in reality the messanger had to dance the minuet in a gorilla suit. You just cant trust nationalists...they tend to clean up history.
Also added a little screenshot of the territories of the Polish America Company (Formerly known as the Polish India Company)
The "Rzeczpospolita Polska" is the 20th century name - it's just Republic of Poland in fact (Rzeczpospolita is historical but now means exactly that). I'd rather see name "Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów" - let me translate it as Republic Of Both Nations. This is historical and proper name from the year 1569. Or just Rzeczpospolita as it was used by citizens as common name.
If You need any help with translations or any other Polish-ing subject... I'm awaiting your orders, Your Greatwrittingness
If You need any help with translations or any other Polish-ing subject... I'm awaiting your orders, Your Greatwrittingness
Hmmmmm...well darn EU2 history fails me again
Well then just Rzeczpospolita it is
I will take you up on your offer your braveness let me know anything else that is not right, I am always anxious to learn more.
Well then just Rzeczpospolita it is
I will take you up on your offer your braveness
let me know anything else that is not right, I am always anxious to learn more.
King Kung
Narrator: The election was decided by which candidate was more closely related to the Jagiello Dynasty, by some unfathomable whim of the electorate. Typically actual issues mattered little.
Polish Elector: BAH, I told you democracy does not work!
Lithuanian Elector: Hush the next inbred royal is presenting his family tree!
Since nearly every member of the inbred royalty of Europe had some connection with the Jagiellos this meant a lot of competition, but only two candidates could claim very close relations. The first was Rudolf II von Habsburg, the Holy Roman Emperor whose great-great grandfather was Casimir IV the Conqueror. The second was Sigismund Wasa of Sweden, whose grandfather was Zygmunt I Stary. He was mainly raised by his Polish Catholic mother Katarzyna Jagiello-Wasa and came to be known as the “Jesuit Prince” much to the embarrassment of his father Johan III. Obviously Sigismund had the closer relation but he was a Swede and that tended to annoy the electors. The debate raged on and finally Rudolf II lost patience.
Emperor Rudolf II (1576-1612)
Rudolf II: Damn this infernal Sejm! Can’t you people decide on anything! Curse this foul Godless democracy and curse this barbaric country. I should gather my army and take this crown by force!
Electors: * GASP *
Austrian Courtier: Um your Imperial Majesty…threatening to kill the voters is probably not the best way to sway them.
Rudolf II: BAH I am going back the Holy Roman Empire where we win all the elections.
Narrator: Despite the fact that the Emperor had stormed out and threatened to kill the voters, he still only lost to Sigismund Vasa by 12 votes 23,431-23,419 since the Swedes were disliked at this point so much in the Rzeczpospolita. They still were refusing to leave Estland. In his acceptance speech Sigismund Vasa announced he would soon be King of Sweden and he would work to get Estland given back to the Rzeczpospolita, he also promised to make Catholicism the official religion of Poland.
Polish Elector: Um how is it exactly that what we have now not having Catholicism as the official religion?
Sigismund Vasa: Well in the newest Jesuit learning establishing Catholicism as “First among equals” allows you to oppress minority religions while still appearing to tolerate them.
Polish Elector: Oh, clever.
Narrator: Sigismund Vasa then traveled with his enthusiastic collection of Swedish Catholic toadies to Krakow where he was crowned in Wawel Cathedral as King Zygmunt III Vasa. He immediately continued the fiscal irresponsibility of his predecessors but worked to further centralize royal power. Even though he was only 23 years old Zygmunt surrounded himself with churchmen and Jesuits, a strange collection of friends for a young Swede.
Zygmunt III Vasa King of the Rzeczpospolita (1587-1632) Sveriges Kung (1592-1598)
Narrator: However international incidents dominated his first years as King, when in 1589, Henri III de Valois of France (and Poland’s former King) was assassinated and Henri IV de Navarre became King of France. Only the quick conversion of Henri de Navarre to Catholicism stopped Zygmunt III Vasa from declaring war on France. Then later that year a messenger from the Khan of the Crimea (well actually the Khan of a tiny village of 2,000 Tartars in tents near the Volga) arrived at the court in Warszawa.
Envoy: He Who Makes the Heavens Tremble, Ghazi II Warrior of the Faith and Slayer of the Infidel bids greetings to you infidel! My Khan warns you not to feel to confident on your new false throne, given by the mob and not God! With the Faith of Islam we shall prevail over you and free the Muslims you now hold under your sway! All my subjects are ready to die for my cause!
Zygmunt III Wasa: All 4,000 of them?
Envoy: 4,325 actually! But we shall prevail since God is on our side! PREPARE TO DIE!!
Narrator: And so the great Volga Jihad was launched against the Rzeczpospolita in 1590. On 24 of March 1590 the war started and the mighty Crimean Tartars clashed with the Polish Hussars at the battle of Ulge near the Volga.
Battle of Ulge
The 1,200 Tartars charged the 28,000 Hussars and Cossacks under Grand Royal Hetman Jan Zamoyski and were predictably less than successful. The next day Ulge was assaulted and captured. The Crimean Khanate was annexed. The War of the Volga Jihad had lasted one entire day. The Khan died in the fighting which was quite disappointing for Zygmunt III Vasa, who had brought a lavender kitten outfit and a pogo stick for the negotiations.
Jan Zamoyski, Grand Royal Hetman (1581-1605)
Narrator: After this glorious victory, Zygmunt III Vasa began to dream of dominating all of Eastern Europe, ruling Sweden and Poland together and spreading Catholicism. Part of his grand ambitions was realized when in 1592 his father Johan III died. By the Grace of God now Zygmunt III Vasa of the Rzeczpospolita was also King Sigismund I of Sweden. At his coronation he spoke to the crowds of his adoring Swedish subjects as no longer the Jesuit Prince, but the Jesuit King.
Zygmunt III Vasa/Sigismund I: Folkslag! As your new Catholic King, by the Grace of God, I have come to bring you to the true faith! I will bring peace by giving back the land Eric XIV stole from Poland and with our allies we shall defeat all! Catholicism then, Catholicism now, and Catholicism forever!!
Stunned Swedish Crowd: Err….
Roughly 15 Swedish Catholics: HURRAH! Long live Sigismund I Sveriges Kung!
Little Swedish Girl: Why does God hate us mommy?
Swedish Mommy: I don’t know Elsa…I don’t know * sob *
Narrator: Zygmunt III Vasa/Sigismund I had a little problem commanding loyalty from his new subjects. He was not sure but perhaps it had to do with his demanding everybody convert back to Catholicism and his public burning of Luther in effigy.
That and the fact that he tried his entire reign to hand Estland over to the Rzeczpospolita tended to make people slightly annoyed with him. They made their annoyance known when an angry mob stormed the Palace and forced the kung to flee the country incognito. They don’t fool around over there. The leader of the revolt was Zygmunt III Vasa’s own uncle; Karl Sundermanland who became Karl IX Sveriges Kung shortly after his nephew had been kicked out. The remaining catholics of Sweden followed Zygmunt III Vasa into Poland in exile.
Karl IX, Sveriges Kung and Lutheran Kättare (1598-1611)
Narrator: Needless to say it was WAR!
Narrator: The election was decided by which candidate was more closely related to the Jagiello Dynasty, by some unfathomable whim of the electorate. Typically actual issues mattered little.
Polish Elector: BAH, I told you democracy does not work!
Lithuanian Elector: Hush the next inbred royal is presenting his family tree!
Since nearly every member of the inbred royalty of Europe had some connection with the Jagiellos this meant a lot of competition, but only two candidates could claim very close relations. The first was Rudolf II von Habsburg, the Holy Roman Emperor whose great-great grandfather was Casimir IV the Conqueror. The second was Sigismund Wasa of Sweden, whose grandfather was Zygmunt I Stary. He was mainly raised by his Polish Catholic mother Katarzyna Jagiello-Wasa and came to be known as the “Jesuit Prince” much to the embarrassment of his father Johan III. Obviously Sigismund had the closer relation but he was a Swede and that tended to annoy the electors. The debate raged on and finally Rudolf II lost patience.
Emperor Rudolf II (1576-1612)
Rudolf II: Damn this infernal Sejm! Can’t you people decide on anything! Curse this foul Godless democracy and curse this barbaric country. I should gather my army and take this crown by force!
Electors: * GASP *
Austrian Courtier: Um your Imperial Majesty…threatening to kill the voters is probably not the best way to sway them.
Rudolf II: BAH I am going back the Holy Roman Empire where we win all the elections.
Narrator: Despite the fact that the Emperor had stormed out and threatened to kill the voters, he still only lost to Sigismund Vasa by 12 votes 23,431-23,419 since the Swedes were disliked at this point so much in the Rzeczpospolita. They still were refusing to leave Estland. In his acceptance speech Sigismund Vasa announced he would soon be King of Sweden and he would work to get Estland given back to the Rzeczpospolita, he also promised to make Catholicism the official religion of Poland.
Polish Elector: Um how is it exactly that what we have now not having Catholicism as the official religion?
Sigismund Vasa: Well in the newest Jesuit learning establishing Catholicism as “First among equals” allows you to oppress minority religions while still appearing to tolerate them.
Polish Elector: Oh, clever.
Narrator: Sigismund Vasa then traveled with his enthusiastic collection of Swedish Catholic toadies to Krakow where he was crowned in Wawel Cathedral as King Zygmunt III Vasa. He immediately continued the fiscal irresponsibility of his predecessors but worked to further centralize royal power. Even though he was only 23 years old Zygmunt surrounded himself with churchmen and Jesuits, a strange collection of friends for a young Swede.
Zygmunt III Vasa King of the Rzeczpospolita (1587-1632) Sveriges Kung (1592-1598)
Narrator: However international incidents dominated his first years as King, when in 1589, Henri III de Valois of France (and Poland’s former King) was assassinated and Henri IV de Navarre became King of France. Only the quick conversion of Henri de Navarre to Catholicism stopped Zygmunt III Vasa from declaring war on France. Then later that year a messenger from the Khan of the Crimea (well actually the Khan of a tiny village of 2,000 Tartars in tents near the Volga) arrived at the court in Warszawa.
Envoy: He Who Makes the Heavens Tremble, Ghazi II Warrior of the Faith and Slayer of the Infidel bids greetings to you infidel! My Khan warns you not to feel to confident on your new false throne, given by the mob and not God! With the Faith of Islam we shall prevail over you and free the Muslims you now hold under your sway! All my subjects are ready to die for my cause!
Zygmunt III Wasa: All 4,000 of them?
Envoy: 4,325 actually! But we shall prevail since God is on our side! PREPARE TO DIE!!
Narrator: And so the great Volga Jihad was launched against the Rzeczpospolita in 1590. On 24 of March 1590 the war started and the mighty Crimean Tartars clashed with the Polish Hussars at the battle of Ulge near the Volga.
Battle of Ulge
The 1,200 Tartars charged the 28,000 Hussars and Cossacks under Grand Royal Hetman Jan Zamoyski and were predictably less than successful. The next day Ulge was assaulted and captured. The Crimean Khanate was annexed. The War of the Volga Jihad had lasted one entire day. The Khan died in the fighting which was quite disappointing for Zygmunt III Vasa, who had brought a lavender kitten outfit and a pogo stick for the negotiations.
Jan Zamoyski, Grand Royal Hetman (1581-1605)
Narrator: After this glorious victory, Zygmunt III Vasa began to dream of dominating all of Eastern Europe, ruling Sweden and Poland together and spreading Catholicism. Part of his grand ambitions was realized when in 1592 his father Johan III died. By the Grace of God now Zygmunt III Vasa of the Rzeczpospolita was also King Sigismund I of Sweden. At his coronation he spoke to the crowds of his adoring Swedish subjects as no longer the Jesuit Prince, but the Jesuit King.
Zygmunt III Vasa/Sigismund I: Folkslag! As your new Catholic King, by the Grace of God, I have come to bring you to the true faith! I will bring peace by giving back the land Eric XIV stole from Poland and with our allies we shall defeat all! Catholicism then, Catholicism now, and Catholicism forever!!
Stunned Swedish Crowd: Err….
Roughly 15 Swedish Catholics: HURRAH! Long live Sigismund I Sveriges Kung!
Little Swedish Girl: Why does God hate us mommy?
Swedish Mommy: I don’t know Elsa…I don’t know * sob *
Narrator: Zygmunt III Vasa/Sigismund I had a little problem commanding loyalty from his new subjects. He was not sure but perhaps it had to do with his demanding everybody convert back to Catholicism and his public burning of Luther in effigy.
That and the fact that he tried his entire reign to hand Estland over to the Rzeczpospolita tended to make people slightly annoyed with him. They made their annoyance known when an angry mob stormed the Palace and forced the kung to flee the country incognito. They don’t fool around over there. The leader of the revolt was Zygmunt III Vasa’s own uncle; Karl Sundermanland who became Karl IX Sveriges Kung shortly after his nephew had been kicked out. The remaining catholics of Sweden followed Zygmunt III Vasa into Poland in exile.
Karl IX, Sveriges Kung and Lutheran Kättare (1598-1611)
Narrator: Needless to say it was WAR!
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Re: Re: King Kung
Well there were only 4,000 people in his entire country and the Hussars got a little carried away...it was sad for all involved.
Originally posted by BRAVEn
Holy crap, no negotiations???
Well there were only 4,000 people in his entire country and the Hussars got a little carried away...it was sad for all involved.
Your AAR is the best that there ever was, ever is, and ever will be. All hail The Bard reborn, long live John Poole, long may he write.
A Cunning Plan
Narrator: Zygmunt III Vasa reached Warszawa in early 1599 and began gathering his armies for war against his traitorous homeland.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Come Court Chamberlain and prepare a declaration of war! Those kättare will pay for betraying their rightful king!
Court Chamberlain: Ok here it is your most Catholic Majesty: To the foul pretender Karl Sundermanland, Zygmunt III Vasa of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów and Sigismund I Sveriges Kung bids you greetings and wishes of good health and for God’s mercy upon your traitorous soul. I am coming my vile uncle to claim my rightful crown and place your head upon a silver platter. Prepare for the death that awaits all traitors to their rightful king! Ever yours in Christian brotherhood, your obedient nephew Zygmunt III Vasa King of Poland/Sigismund I Sveriges Kung.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Great! Ok get me Grand Royal Hetman Jan Zamoyski and let us charge through Finland!
Polish Royal Guard: Oh God, I hope there isn’t a winter campaign this time…
Warbanner of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów during the reign of Zygmunt III Vasa
Narrator: Zygmunt III Vasa would lead the Wielka Armia Coronna into Estland himself while Jan Zamoyski led the Pierwsza Armia Coronna into Kexholm. The declaration of war reached Stockholm on 17 July 1599 and Sweden’s allies came to the aid of the pretender, England, Magdeburg, Orleans, and Brittany. Immediately English troops attacked the Polish colonies, a most unexpected and troublesome development. Meanwhile the Polish armies charged into Swedish territory where the foul betrayers awaited. Near Reval on 21 September 1599, a Swedish army of 28,000 attacked the 20,000 Poles and Lithuanians commanded by the King and drove them back towards Narva.
Meanwhile Jan Zamoyski crushed a 5,000 Swede force near Kexholm with 20,000 Poles, Russians and Cossacks on 22 September and assaulted the Swedish fortress their. Kexholm was in Polish hands by 26 September and Jan Zamoyski advanced on Finland. In October he defeated another small Swedish force in Savolaks and left a small force of Russians (hey it gets cold up there!) to besiege the fortress. He then advanced on Nyland where an allied force of 13,000 Swedish/English forces awaited. Once again Zamoyski crushed his opposition but he only had around 11,000 troops left so he stopped to lay siege to Nyland.
Meanwhile an English force of 7,000 attacked and routed the King’s demoralized army near Narva driving it to Kargopor in disarray before the King managed to rally his dispirited army to completely destroy his English pursuers on 6 January 1600 and sent their heads to King James as a New Years present.
Reinforcements arrived that spring to enable the king to try again at Estland and the King led his 26,000 men against 25,000 Swedes near Reval on 12 September 1600, nearly a full year after his previous defeat. The Wielka Armie Coronna routed the Swedes and then assaulted Reval. By 23 October Estland was in Polish hands.
The 2nd Battle of Reval, 12 September 1600
A week later, on 29 October, Denmark declared war on Sweden. The sharks were beginning to circle. Magdeburg crossed the Oder and raided Polish Pommern only to be crushed by a smaller Polish force under the command of a young promising Hetman, named Jan Karol Chodkiewicz.
Meanwhile with Denmark attacking Sweden itself, the two main armies of Poland ransacked Finland and driving off every Swedish Army they faced. On 30 December 1602 Österbotten was captured, and the Poles marched into Sweden proper. Finally Karl IX had had enough.
Karl IX: My vile Catholic nephew, my army is still holding but your forces have proven themselves formidable indeed. God has shown once again that he hates Sweden so I have come to see if you would be willing to negotiate.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Well of course he hates all who disobey his Vicar on earth! To show your repentance you must sing the “I am very sorry song”!
Karl IX: Ah heck. Well ok…* ahem * boo-da-ba-boom-boom-boom
Swedish Chorus: This is the “I am very sorry song” wont you come and sing along
Karl IX: ooooooooh I did it
Swedish Chorus: He’s sorry!
Karl IX: I knew it
Swedish Chorus: He’s sorry!
Karl IX: I reeeeeealy blew this time!
Swedish Chorus: He sure did!
Karl IX: Oh I knew it!
Swedish Chorus: He is oh so sorry!
Karl IX: I am sorry I stole your stupid Croooooown!
Swedish Chorus: Boy is he a stupid clooooooown!
Zygmunt III Vasa: Very good! Now if you could do it again in these black tights doing the Can-Can that would be great.
Karl IX: Well sure this is 1603, men wear tights all the time now.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Well maybe in Sweden they do...
Karl IX Singing the “I am very sorry song” while doing the Can-Can
Narrator: So anyway Zygmunt III Vasa also gained the provinces of Estland and Kexholm out of the deal along with a few shiploads of gold. Unfortunately he decided not to attempt to regain the Swedish crown. This was mostly because there was no event in the game files enabling him to do so.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Darn Paradox…shows what happens when Lutherans make a game!
Narrator: Zygmunt III Vasa had accomplished Poland’s long goal of keeping the Swedes in Finland and out of the Eastern Baltic. But still Zygmunt III Vasa was ambitions and had grand plans.
Zygmunt III Vasa: I need a cunning plan to further my goal of controlling all of Eastern Europe, if only an opportunity would just show up. Fall into my lap so to say.
Court Chamberlain: Your Majesty, a Russian has arrived to see you. He claims to be “Dimitry Ivanovich” the rightful Tsar of All Russia.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Bingo!
Narrator: Zygmunt III Vasa reached Warszawa in early 1599 and began gathering his armies for war against his traitorous homeland.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Come Court Chamberlain and prepare a declaration of war! Those kättare will pay for betraying their rightful king!
Court Chamberlain: Ok here it is your most Catholic Majesty: To the foul pretender Karl Sundermanland, Zygmunt III Vasa of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów and Sigismund I Sveriges Kung bids you greetings and wishes of good health and for God’s mercy upon your traitorous soul. I am coming my vile uncle to claim my rightful crown and place your head upon a silver platter. Prepare for the death that awaits all traitors to their rightful king! Ever yours in Christian brotherhood, your obedient nephew Zygmunt III Vasa King of Poland/Sigismund I Sveriges Kung.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Great! Ok get me Grand Royal Hetman Jan Zamoyski and let us charge through Finland!
Polish Royal Guard: Oh God, I hope there isn’t a winter campaign this time…
Warbanner of Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów during the reign of Zygmunt III Vasa
Narrator: Zygmunt III Vasa would lead the Wielka Armia Coronna into Estland himself while Jan Zamoyski led the Pierwsza Armia Coronna into Kexholm. The declaration of war reached Stockholm on 17 July 1599 and Sweden’s allies came to the aid of the pretender, England, Magdeburg, Orleans, and Brittany. Immediately English troops attacked the Polish colonies, a most unexpected and troublesome development. Meanwhile the Polish armies charged into Swedish territory where the foul betrayers awaited. Near Reval on 21 September 1599, a Swedish army of 28,000 attacked the 20,000 Poles and Lithuanians commanded by the King and drove them back towards Narva.
Meanwhile Jan Zamoyski crushed a 5,000 Swede force near Kexholm with 20,000 Poles, Russians and Cossacks on 22 September and assaulted the Swedish fortress their. Kexholm was in Polish hands by 26 September and Jan Zamoyski advanced on Finland. In October he defeated another small Swedish force in Savolaks and left a small force of Russians (hey it gets cold up there!) to besiege the fortress. He then advanced on Nyland where an allied force of 13,000 Swedish/English forces awaited. Once again Zamoyski crushed his opposition but he only had around 11,000 troops left so he stopped to lay siege to Nyland.
Meanwhile an English force of 7,000 attacked and routed the King’s demoralized army near Narva driving it to Kargopor in disarray before the King managed to rally his dispirited army to completely destroy his English pursuers on 6 January 1600 and sent their heads to King James as a New Years present.
Reinforcements arrived that spring to enable the king to try again at Estland and the King led his 26,000 men against 25,000 Swedes near Reval on 12 September 1600, nearly a full year after his previous defeat. The Wielka Armie Coronna routed the Swedes and then assaulted Reval. By 23 October Estland was in Polish hands.
The 2nd Battle of Reval, 12 September 1600
A week later, on 29 October, Denmark declared war on Sweden. The sharks were beginning to circle. Magdeburg crossed the Oder and raided Polish Pommern only to be crushed by a smaller Polish force under the command of a young promising Hetman, named Jan Karol Chodkiewicz.
Meanwhile with Denmark attacking Sweden itself, the two main armies of Poland ransacked Finland and driving off every Swedish Army they faced. On 30 December 1602 Österbotten was captured, and the Poles marched into Sweden proper. Finally Karl IX had had enough.
Karl IX: My vile Catholic nephew, my army is still holding but your forces have proven themselves formidable indeed. God has shown once again that he hates Sweden so I have come to see if you would be willing to negotiate.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Well of course he hates all who disobey his Vicar on earth! To show your repentance you must sing the “I am very sorry song”!
Karl IX: Ah heck. Well ok…* ahem * boo-da-ba-boom-boom-boom
Swedish Chorus: This is the “I am very sorry song” wont you come and sing along
Karl IX: ooooooooh I did it
Swedish Chorus: He’s sorry!
Karl IX: I knew it
Swedish Chorus: He’s sorry!
Karl IX: I reeeeeealy blew this time!
Swedish Chorus: He sure did!
Karl IX: Oh I knew it!
Swedish Chorus: He is oh so sorry!
Karl IX: I am sorry I stole your stupid Croooooown!
Swedish Chorus: Boy is he a stupid clooooooown!
Zygmunt III Vasa: Very good! Now if you could do it again in these black tights doing the Can-Can that would be great.
Karl IX: Well sure this is 1603, men wear tights all the time now.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Well maybe in Sweden they do...
Karl IX Singing the “I am very sorry song” while doing the Can-Can
Narrator: So anyway Zygmunt III Vasa also gained the provinces of Estland and Kexholm out of the deal along with a few shiploads of gold. Unfortunately he decided not to attempt to regain the Swedish crown. This was mostly because there was no event in the game files enabling him to do so.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Darn Paradox…shows what happens when Lutherans make a game!
Narrator: Zygmunt III Vasa had accomplished Poland’s long goal of keeping the Swedes in Finland and out of the Eastern Baltic. But still Zygmunt III Vasa was ambitions and had grand plans.
Zygmunt III Vasa: I need a cunning plan to further my goal of controlling all of Eastern Europe, if only an opportunity would just show up. Fall into my lap so to say.
Court Chamberlain: Your Majesty, a Russian has arrived to see you. He claims to be “Dimitry Ivanovich” the rightful Tsar of All Russia.
Zygmunt III Vasa: Bingo!
Oh stop you're embarrasing me
o Glad you like it! I dont plan on writing any plays though or love sonnets so you will have to settle for AARs.