Poleaxing for Poland! A Poland AAR

[John Poole]

Originally posted by ro4444
The section regarding the Emperor and the Pope was, quite simply, pure hilarity.
:rofl:

Yeah that was a cool event, it was a happy coincidence it happened to come right after I invaded Brandenburg . Incidently in RL Wladislaw II wanted to give Vytautas a crown but the nobles convinced him to try the trick I had Wladislaw II do. My Wladislaw II is a Polish patriot though...even though he was Lithuanian.

 

[John Poole]

Originally posted by juszuf7
Your army is quite weak, must have been all those revolts. Be careful and increase your strength as quickly as possible, or your neighbors will take advantage (as they already have) and smack you like a bitch (couldn't remember any other term)

Yes I am building it back up as soon as I can. That "snap-shot" of Poland was taken right after I finished defeating the last rebels and conquering Memel. I try to keep it at about the support limit.

 

[John Poole]

Republicofgenoa, ro4444, Arilou, Stroph1, Lofman, Treedom: Thanks alot! Your support is much appreciated! I hope I can keep it fresh and fun right up to the end. Some very interesting times are coming up for my little Kingdom in the near future. Unfortunately it looks like one of my Jagiellos were about to become King of Bohemia as well...but that Kingdom no longer exists ...I think the EEP Hussite wars were a bit too harsh on the poor Bohemians.

 

[John Poole]

Originally posted by Director
Simply hysterical. You have grasped the Python style and have the talent to make your own way with it...

Worthy of Blackadder at its best, I think. Simply hysterical. Oh, wait, I said that already.

I'm laughing so hard I'm light-headed.

Wow thats very high praise as I am a big fan of Blackadder and Python . History deserves to be laughed at as well as honored I think. People are funny.

 

[unmerged(4766)]

Great AAR!

 

[unmerged(18415)]

You should set aside a lot of money for conversions: the Baltic going Protestant and the inheritance of Lithuania is going to give you more heretics.

Also, if you can, wipe out Austria! Their cores on you regarding the partition of Poland can be a pain if you aren't friends with them.

 

[Machiavellian]

Excellent work. As far as Austria is concerned. I think no matter who you are (except maybe american natives or China) that Austria is a troublesome nuissance. Eliminate them.

 

[John Poole]

Fruit of the Jagiello

Narrator: In November of 1444 Grand Duke Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis of Lithuania made the trip from Vilnius to Krakow to be crowned Casimir IV of Poland. The two crowns of Lithuania and Poland were united in this one 17-year-old boy. Despite his youth, young Casimir IV was humble and took his awesome responsibilities very seriously.

Casimir IV: Ok all you courtiers drop your pants!

Courtiers: * drop pants *

Casimir IV: Ok now wave them above your head while dancing around and screeching, “I have syphilis”.

Courtiers: * wave pants above head while dancing around * I have syphilis!

Casimir IV: Haha! This is great!

Narrator: Unfortunately for the King he had come to the throne at a time when the Kingdom needed to rest and gather its strength. So while Casimir IV stayed out all night with his friends and caroused with the young ladies the Kingdom paid off its debts and rebuilt its exhausted armies. Four years passed by and the King partied away while the Kingdom prospered and the royal treasuries were filled as well as the ranks of the royal army. Finally on 10 April 1449, Casimir IV met with his advisors.

Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis/Casimir IV Grand Duke of Lithuania (1440-1492) King of Poland (1444-1492)

Casimir IV: My loyal advisors I feel now is the time to finally annex the troublesome Teutonic Order.

Loyal Advisor: I agree majesty! However this is Prussian territory, I don’t think the nobles or the people will take kindly to going to war to conquer other people’s lands.

Other Loyal Advisor: Yes an aggressive war is out of the question. However it seems we go to war with the Teutonic Knights every few years. Just wait a few minutes I am sure they will declare war on us.

Casimir IV: That’s ridiculous! The Teutonic Knights are down to a single province! Their fortress at Marienburg has been sacked numerous times already. Surely they would not be so stupid as to…

Loyal Messenger: My liege! The Teutonic Order has declared war on us!

Yet Another Loyal Advisor: You are young majesty, there is nobody as stupid as the Teutonic Order.

Casimir IV: Well let’s get to it then! ON TO KONIGSBERG!

Narrator: The Teutonic Knights had gathered a large coalition to lead against Poland-Lithuania and its noble lord Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis/Casimir IV. Muscowy, Holstein, Mecklenberg, Pommern, and the Livonian Order all joined the Teutonic Order in the War of the First Coalition. The Army of Poland marched into Prussia and fought the final battle against the Teutonic Order near Marienberg. For what seemed to be the 1,389th time the Knights were defeated and their fortresses were besieged. Unfortunately during this time the army of Pommern took Gdansk and moved in on Kostrzyn and the Livonian order moved in on Memel. On 28 June 1451 Konigsberg fell to the Polish forces and Casimir IV rode into the beleaguered city as the Prussians watched him in depressed silence.

Polish Forces Besieging a Prussian Fortress

Teutonic Grandmaster Ludwig von Erlichshausen: Our nation is now defenseless against you great King of Poland. Why do you do this cant you see we deserve our independence?

Casimir IV: BAH! Why do you keep going to war with us you stupid knights? And besides a nation that cannot defend itself doesn’t deserve to exist! The Teutonic Order is no more! This territory is Polish!

Teutonic Grandmaster Ludwig von Erlichshausen: NOOOOOOO * sobs uncontrollably *

Outraged Polish Advisor: My King this is outrageous! Your father would have at least made him dress in a pink bunny suite and hop around before announcing the annexation!

Casimir IV: Oh sorry I am new at this whole brutal conquest thing.

Narrator: And thus was the Polish Partition of Prussia. The same day the demoralized Pommeranians signed a white peace with Poland at the treaty of Szczecin. A few weeks later Genoa went to war with Lithuania over the Crimea and the King moved to mobilize an army to send to the Crimea to attack the Genoese base at Kaffa. It was then that the Szlachta called on the King for the first time since the revolution of 1429.

Casimir IV: What can I do for you my cowed and intimidated nobles?

Outraged Conservative Noble: Oh don’t think you can ever be finished with us oh Lithuanian dog!

Casimir IV: Oh great.

Outraged Conservative Noble: We are not going to just line up to fight in another one of your wars BLOODY CASIMIR!

Numerically Less Numerous Than Last Time Nobles: HURRAH! DOWN WITH BLOODY CASIMIR!

Outraged Conservative Noble: You must sign this new law we passed that allows for The Nieszawa Privileges-'Conventiones Particulares'! We should be able to meet in these Conventiones to confirm every call for money and troops for your wars! THE NOBLES WILL BE HEARD!

Casimir IV: The only Particulares about this is the puzzling death wish you nobles seem to be possessed by. I will not sign any such thing. You may address all complaints to the guardsmen with the big halberds.

Suicidal Nobles: YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF US! DOWN WITH THE KING!

Narrator: And so did another civil war break out across Poland. Fortunately this time the Polish Army was in much better shape and no foreign armies invaded except for some Genoese in Prussia with very bad sense of timing.

Genoese Invader General: That’s odd I don’t see the Poles around here. Hmmmm. Ok here is the plan: we dress up like Poles and approach Konigsberg and then once they let us inside we slaughter the lot of them ok?

Genoese Invaders: Sì signore!

* Genoese approach Konigsberg filled with angry rebels *

Rebel Guard: Who goes there?

Genoese Invader General: Um loyal subjects of the Polish King! Let us in!

Rebel Guard: What loyal subjects of the king?! WHITE GUARD REACTIONARIES AT THE GATES! DEATH TO THE OPPRESSORS!

Narrator: Needless to say it was the only attempted invasion of Poland by the Genoese. In 1454 another kind of invader entered the Kingdom of Poland. This one was welcome however.

Court Chamberlain: My King. The Duchess Elzbieta von Habsburg.

Casimir IV: Wow you are beautiful Elzbieta, why I could completely forget that your uncle the Holy Roman Emperor and my brother fought each other in a violent struggle over the Hungarian crown.

Elzbeita von Habsburg: Well King perhaps we can have a violent struggle of our own?

Casimir IV: Oh yeah!

Rebel Outside the Castle Window: DOWN WITH THE OPPRESSOR! DEATH TO THE KING!

Casimir IV: Um you should probably ignore that hehe.

Narrator: Shortly afterwards the two lovebirds were married and exactly 9 months and 2 minutes after their first encounter...

Casimir IV: TWO? That was at least five!

Narrator: Um sure if it makes you feel better your majesty. Anyway 9 months and FIVE minutes after their first encounter their first child was born, and he was named Wladislaw. He was the first of many since Casimir IV was the last of the Jagiellos and he desperately needed to restock the family tree. Anyway, the revolution was supressed after two years of bitter fighting. Casimir IV had shown the nobles a thing or two. By 1456 the rebellion had been crushed and Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis (Casimir IV wearing his Lithuanian Grand Duke hat) paid a sum to the Genoese to end the Crimean War. After that done Casimir IV rode through his Lithuanian lands and on to Vladimir the capital of Suzdal.

Prince of Suzdal Ivan III: So Lithuanian heretic you have come to sign an alliance with Ivan III, Prince of all Suzdal? Very well but you must understand in Russia we must drink a glass of each other’s blood to solidify an alliance.

Casimir IV: WHAT? Really?

Prince Suzdal Ivan III: Hah no just kidding you. A little joke we like to play on the westerners.

Casimir IV: Um oh haha.

Narrator: Along with Bavaria, now the Polish-Lithuanians had four nations in their coalition against the surviving members of the Teutonic Order’s coalition, fortunately the Order was now gone and Holstein had been inherited by Denmark and was also out of the picture.

Now all the King had to do was sit and wait to see which member of the two hostile alliances would make the first move. During the wait Casimir IV was busy however. In 1457 Queen Elzbeita gave birth to Princess Jadwiga. In 1458 she gave birth to both Prince Casimir and Prince Jan Olbracht. In 1461 she gave birth to Prince Aleksander and 1464 to Princess Zofia. In short the King and Queen were doing all they could to ensure that there would be plenty of Jagiellos to continue the royal line.

Queen Elzbeita: Oh what I do for the dynasty!

Casimir IV: What?

Queen Elzbeita: Um that is to say...you look great darling!

Casimir IV: Great! Lets go to the royal heir-making chambers dear!

Queen Elzbeita: Um...ok.

Narrator: But by 1464 the King and his advisors began the construction of the Polish navy on the coast with the commissioning of a small galley fleet. They also were almost ready to renew the war. They would start it this time, and the goal would be nothing less than realizing Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas’ goal of capturing the key city of Szczecin on the Baltic coast.

 

[John Poole]

Originally posted by Machiavellian
Excellent work. As far as Austria is concerned. I think no matter who you are (except maybe american natives or China) that Austria is a troublesome nuissance. Eliminate them.

Unfortunately my King kind of married into the family. Dont really want to take out Uncle Friedricks Archduchy .

 

[John Poole]

Originally posted by ro4444
You should set aside a lot of money for conversions: the Baltic going Protestant and the inheritance of Lithuania is going to give you more heretics.

Also, if you can, wipe out Austria! Their cores on you regarding the partition of Poland can be a pain if you aren't friends with them.

I have no interest in acquiring large amounts of territory in Germany. However Austria is indeed a very dangerous country for Poland in EU since they, unlike Russia, Prussia or Turkey, tend to do alot better than in real life. I am hoping my catholicism is going to keep good relations with the Archduke.

The Baltic Protestants, the German Protestants, the Russian Orthodox and the Tatar Mongol Muslims are all going to be serious problems and a big drain on my economy down the road. When/if I inherite Lithuania (likely but not a guaranteed) I am going to have four religions and many cultures. Definitly is going to stretch the royal resources to the limit

 

[unmerged(4766)]

Haha, this is great. The number of great lines you are producing is amaizing! This time I liked the following the most:

Casimir IV: What can I do for you my cowed and intimidated nobles?

Outraged Conservative Noble: Oh don't think you can ever be finished with us oh Lithuanian dog!

Casimir IV: Oh great.

Outraged Conservative Noble: We are not going to just line up to fight in another one of your wars BLOODY CASIMIR!

However, most of the AARs of this type are usually never finished, because the author is bored or something else. Hope you will not abandon it!

 

[unmerged(17337)]

:rofl:

Wonderfull.

 

[John Poole]

The Pummeling of Pommerania

Narrator: Hoping to get the new Polish Navy involved in the final war the council decided to declare war on Muscowy in 1467. This allowed for the Kingdom to fully mobilize its resources and for the King to more fully mobilize his wife’s baby producing resources. In 1465 Princess Elzbieta was born and in 1467 Prince Zygmunt Stary was another fruit of the over-active Jagiello loins. Sadly Princess Elzbieta died after only one year of life. However with the birth of the new Prince Casimir IV’s spirits had risen enough that he decided to issue his declaration of war and send many Russians to join his daughter in heaven.

Ivan III the Great, Prince of all Muscowy (1462-1505)

Chamberlain: Ok how is this your majesty: To his Princely Highness Ivan III, Prince of all Muscowy, Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis Grand Duke of Lithuania and Casimir IV King of Poland sends you greetings and wishes of good health. Your alliance has been aimed at the strategic surrounding and defeat of my great Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth and I will not sit idly by while you work your evil plans without the spirit of brotherhood and goodwill, which has always been characteristic of relations between Russians and Polish-Lithuanians. May God have mercy on you Ivan III for the Prince of Vladimir-Suzdal and I will have none. Yours in Christian Brotherhood, Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis/ Casimir IV

Casimir IV: Hmmmm I like it. It’s better since we took out that part accusing him of sodomy and devil worshipping. Which, while poetic and inspiring, was somewhat lacking in evidence to support. Ok now lets get ready to pummel Pommerania!

Narrator: Poland, Lithuania, Brandenburg (deciding if you cant beat them might as well join them), and Suzdal went to war with Muscowy, Livonian Order, Pommern and Mecklenburg. Hessen for Muscowy and Bavaria for Poland decided to dishonor their allies and not get involved, cowardly German bastards! The War of the Second Coalition had begun. Seeing his allies immediately under pressure, Casimir IV ordered the Wielka Armia Coronna to Berlin to drive off the powerful army of Mecklenburg.

Polish General: DEATH TO THE GERMANS! FOLLOW ME MEN TO VICTORY!

Polish Lieutenant: Wait I thought the Germans were on our side right? Didn’t the King say something about not killing Brandenburgers anymore since they are now our allies?

Polish General: Hmmmm good point. Very well we shall ask them. You there! German! Do you serve the great Elector of Brandenburg or the vile and disgusting Duke of Mecklenburg?

Mecklenburg Soldier: Bereiten Sie vor sich zu sterben, polnischer Dummkopf!

Polish General: Huh? What did he * Urk! *

Narrator: After the brave Polish General was treacherously murdered his army panicked and fled the field. Not a great start to the war. Fortunately things went better on the seas. The new Polish fleet sailed out from Gdansk and sunk a small squadron of the Livonian Order. Following this defeat the Livonian Knights wisely signed the Treaty of Riga that took them out of the war. A few weeks later the Polish fleet destroyed a Mecklenburger fleet near the port of Szczecin. Led by a new and fortunately bilingual Polish General the Wielka Armia Coronna destroyed the Pommeranian Army in the swamps of Hinterpommern.

With the coalition forces on the run on every front in early 1468 Casimir IV (well Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis actually) took Lithuania out of the war and turned the Lithuanian war machine on the unsuspecting Crimean Tatars who had just angered him by hauling off Russian workers at one of his favorite Smolensk beer breweries into slavery. Thus began the Second Crimean War, one that would result in complete victory for the Lithuanians since in 1470 the Crimean government collapsed leaving the stunned Lithuanians in charge of most of the country.

Meanwhile the Poles and their Suzdal allies made short work of the rest of the coalition. The Poles occupied Stralsund and Szczecin in early 1470 and this time Casimir IV stuck to proper etiquette in the peace negotiations.

Eryk II duke of Pommerania: I am here to discuss peace terms great King. My nobles and people regret having decided to oppose your ever-expanding evil empire. I hope you will have mercy on us. Think of what your uncle, the Emperor, would say if you treated his people poorly?

Casimir IV: I am sure he would laugh enormously seeing you dressed up like a woman running through the streets of Szczecin yelling “I am woman!”

Eryk II: Oh God I hate Poland.

Narrator: But he would not hate Poland for long, at least not officially, for after a nice constitutional through the streets of Szczecin, the duke swore an oath of fealty to his new Polish King.

Pommeranian Noble

Pommeranian Noble: I, for one, welcome our new Polish overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a prominent member of the community I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in building their invincible Baltic Empire.

Narrator: Back in 1469, Muscowy was annexed into the victorious Principality of Vladimir-Suzdal. The War of the Second Coalition was over and only the Livonian Knights and Mecklenburg remained of the once formidable coalition that tried to challenge Poland.

Casimir IV: Poland-Lithuania is ever victorious! I shall ever forth be known as Casimir IV the Conqueror!

Fawning Polish Courtiers: ALL HAIL HIS MAJESTY CASIMIR IV THE CONQUEROR!

Fawning Lithuanian Courtiers: ALL HAIL HIS GRACE KAZIMEIRAS I JOGAILAITIS THE CONQUEROR!

Casimir IV the Conquerer: You may all now fall to the floor and kiss the ground I walk upon.

Fawning Courtiers of all Nationalities: * fall to the floor * *smooch smooch *

Narrator: Unfortunately as he was a bit distracted by the war the Queen only gave birth to one child during its course. In 1468 Prince Frederyk joined the Royal Brood. The 1470s were a period that saw Poland expand its trade and improve its relations with its allies via timely bribes, particularly Lithuania, whose relations with Poland had soured.

Casimir IV the Conqueror: God I hate that punk Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis! Oh wait...

Narrator: Also the 1470s saw the Queen’s uterus still hard at work. A new Princess Elzbieta was born in 1472 and Princess Anna was born in 1476. It was also a time of disappointment for Casimir IV the Conqueror. His eldest son, Wladislaw was a lazy lout without any original ideas of his own. His second oldest, Casimir, was blessed with a great mind and great charm, but he would also let down his father.

In 1471, a faction of Hungarian Nobles unhappy with their King Mathias I Corvinus (he was far too competent and great of a leader for the nobles to accept him) and approached the bright young man, hoping that he might come and accept the Crown of St. Stephen.

The Crown of St. Stephen

Mathias I Corvinus King of Hungary (1458-1490)

Narrator: Casimir, however, proved too competent and strong of character for the Hungarian Nobles who soon jettisoned him. He barely made it back to Poland alive ahead of King MathiasI Covinus’s men. It was a severe blow to the King.

Casimir IV the Conqueror: How can it be that I, a wonderful and powerful King, can have such worthless children? * sob * Fine I know what I can do with you Casimir! You can marry the daughter of Emperor Frederick III! Then your children can inherit both my lands and the lands of the Habsburgs!

Casimir: No father. I have seen the light. I am now devoting my life to God and forsaking all sins. The light of the divine wisdom is upon me.

Casimir IV the Conqueror: WHAT? ARG! I have only 5 sons!

Casimir: Now don’t say that father! Jesus loves you anyway.

Casimir IV the Conqueror: * sob *

St. Casimir (1458-1484) Prince and Patron Saint of Poland and Lithuania

Narrator: In 1477 the Polish-Lithuanian war machine was up and running again. Suzdal declared war on Novgorod and so Suzdal’s allies were matched up against Novogorod’s ally Moldavia. The Polish-Lithuanian forces were to be disappointed however as Moldavia managed to get the Prince of Suzdal to sign a white peace just a few months into their severe whipping at the hands of Commonwealth troops. It was not good for the King’s sour mood.

 

[unmerged(15337)]

Your story is wonderful, very well done.

Can you explain, though, who are the Livonian Order? Is this just another name for the Teutonic Order, or a separate country? But I've never seen them before.

 

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Fawning Courtiers of all Nationalities: * fall to the floor * *smooch smooch *

Did you really have to add that smooch smooch? Disgusting!

 

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[John Poole]

Originally posted by jwolf
Your story is wonderful, very well done.

Can you explain, though, who are the Livonian Order? Is this just another name for the Teutonic Order, or a separate country? But I've never seen them before.

Its a separate country. It was a spin-off of the Teutonic Order that controlled the area from Kurland to Ingermanland. The Teutonic Order controlled Danzig-Konigsberg-Memel.

 

[Machiavellian]

The Livonian order is another country that appears in EEP versions. Like John said, they are closely linked with the Teutonic order and often hold them in vassalage.

In 1200 AD the Knights of The Sword Order, also known as Livonian Order, established themselves at the mouth of river Dauguva (presently Riga) and quickly conquered Livians, Latvians, Coronians and Estonians. At the same time, in 1230, the Order of the Knights of the Cross established themselves on the banks of river Vistula (presently Kaliningrad), then engaged and in time subjugated the Prussians. The two groups as you can see are closely connected and I believe that the Livonian order became a branch of the Teutonic order.

 

[unmerged(18415)]

There's a reason why the Livonian Wars are called that

 

[unmerged(12680)]

Excellent AAR!! :rofl: