Poleaxing for Poland! A Poland AAR

[John Poole]

The Great Northern Beer War

Narrator: The great German-bashing war became multi-ethnic as a week later Sweden declared war on Lithuania. Not overly concerned despite the somewhat bellicose heritage of the Nordic folk, he who is greater than Vytautas led his armies again into Prussia and Livonia, crushing a Teutonic Army of 14,000 near Grunwald. Defeating the Teutonic Order there had almost become a tradition. Sending his Knights forth to pillage the Livonian and Prussian countryside, Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas laid siege to Konigsberg.

Polish Army fighting the Teutonic Knights

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: You know I just cannot figure out why the Kalmar Union would go to war with Lithuania. They don’t border Lithuania, and Lithuania only has coastal provinces on the Black Sea. Why the only member of this alliance to even have a coastal province on the Baltic is…

Panicked Messenger from Gdansk: Mein König! Die Swedes are attacking Danz....err...Gdansk!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: me. Oh crap. Quickly we need to raise an army and go save my German subjects.

Narrator: Unfortunately both armies of Poles sent to relieve Gdansk were slaughtered by the Norwegian-Swedish-Danish army besieging the city. After 10 months the Germans defending Gdansk gave up and let the Kalmari pour in and ravage the city. The great supply of beer that was to be sold to the Polish merchants was looted and hauled back to Stockholm for the victory party. Despair gripped Poland as it appeared on the verge of defeat.

Swedish Army in Action

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: NO! I am now surely to be known as Wladislaw II Jagiello the Easily Beaten by Sweden!

Messenger from Vilnius: Great King of Poland I have arrived to tell you of the treaty of Vilnius. The Swedes had demanded to keep the great Gdansk beer supply in return for peace.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Once again the cowardly Lithuanians sell us out! Oh well at least we get the city back.

Narrator: In the spring of 1427 the Poles stormed the walls of Konigsburg and a month later the Lithuanians agree to return the city to the Knights in exchange for a lot of gold and an end to hostilities. Though technically since the city was not taken by Lithuania it really was not theirs to return, the King was anxious to get to the real order of business: reaching the river Oder. With a great banner bearing the Royal Seal of Poland and the Motto: Oder or Bust! The Army of Poland turned towards the unsuspecting people of Brandenburg.

Court Chancellor: Ahem. "To his majesty the Elector of Brandenburg, Happy New Year 1428 your Electorness. The King of Poland, Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas, sends you his greetings and wishes of good health for the coming year. In reviewing the map of Poland during the calendar year 1000 AD we noticed that your eastern province of Kustrin once was apart of our noble Kingdom and we are going to take it back. Either give us our territory or we will kill you and your nobles and people and burn that crummy Berlin berg to the ground. Yours in Catholic Brotherhood, Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas, King of Poland”

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Excellent! It conforms to all the proper etiquette in noble correspondence. Ok let’s saddle up and go pollute the German gene pool.

Cautious but Outraged Court Advisor: You cannot do this your Majesty! You have no recognized Casus Belli to invade Brandenburg and besides that it is apart of the most Catholic Holy Roman Empire!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Why do I keep you around anyway? GAH I am King here and if I want to break every unwritten rule of diplomacy that’s my business!!

Narrator: The war with Brandenburg was a glorious one and lacked any of the humiliating defeats of the Great Northern Beer War. On 19 January 1428 the King himself led the Polish Wielka Armia Koronna against the main army of Brandenburg near Kustrin. It was not until 8 February that the Poles completed the route and annihilation of the Brandenburger Army after a brilliant campaign by the King.

Polish Heavy Knights

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Yes it was rather brilliant wasn’t it?

Sniveling Royal Camp Followers: Yes great King! Alexander and Caesar have been surpassed! Your genius and military brilliance knows no limits!

Narrator: The rest of the war consisted of besieging the cities of the poor electorate and committing unspeakable atrocities upon the local peasantry. Then in 1429, the Emperor called the great leaders of Catholic Eastern Christendom to Lutsk.

Emperor Sigismund of Luxembourg. King of Hungary (1387-1437) and Holy Roman Emperor (1410-1437)

Emperor Sigismund: Due to the greatness of Lithuanian Grand Duke Vytautas the Great and the glorious achievements of his reign I think we should all agree that he should be crowned King of Lithuania, making him and not that worthless traitor Wladislaw II Jagiello the wretched the greatest King of Eastern Europe.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Um this has nothing to do with my invasion of Brandenburg right?

Emperor Sigismund: No of course not you vile disgusting filth covered pig. Why I am Emperor and if a European King wants to invade my Empire and treat my crown like so much horse crap it would be beneath me to be bitter about it and give him exactly what he deserves.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Ok good so long as we are clear on that.

Vytautas the Great: Why I am honored great Emperor whose benevolence and majesty has no rivals, however I cannot accept such a crown without the consent of my predecessor and honored cousin King Wladislaw II Jagiello.

Emperor Sigismund: Even though he murdered your father?

Vytautas the Great: Well yes but he made me Grand Duke and well, we could spend forever bickering about whose father was killed by who but I say lets just let bygones be bygones and move on right?

Wladislaw II Jagiello: Well it would be traitorous to me to betray me Kingdom by giving it a rival to the east. However I am getting old my young cousin. I have ruled Lithuania and then Poland for over fifty years now and perhaps I am no longer fit to be King. I agree that Vytautas has been an excellent and glorious monarch and deserves to be a king, so I will retire and give him the crown of Poland.

Polish Nobles: * GASP! *

Vytautas the Great: I cannot but accept your generous offer cousin. I humbly accept the ancient and noble crown of Poland.

Wladislaw II Jagiello: I mean sure you might be one of the few Catholics in Lithuania and you taking the crown of Poland most assuredly means Lithuania will become Orthodox but I am sure the Pope will look past this minor detail and grant our request.

Narrator: Just a few days later a messenger arrived in Rome to go through the symbolic gesture of asking his Holiness for the change of leadership in Poland.

His Holiness Martin V: Oh sure lets just hand Lithuania over to the Patriarch. ARE YOU CRAZY? Hello? We still have a Western Schism going on here! Tell Wladislaw he is staying right where he is or I am excommunicating the lot of them!

Pope Martin V 1417-1431

Narrator: And thus the elderly king Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas was unable to retire but continued stoically on for the good of all Christendom. Unfortunately Vytautas the Great was not able to be crowned king and it was something that would trouble the just Polish King to the end of his days.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: HAH! Take that you worthless figure head Emperor and my good-for-nothing-cousin!

Thoroughly Beaten Elector of Brandenburg Frederick I von Hohenzollern: Great King, I have come to humbly ask for terms so you can end the nightmare you have unleashed upon my poor electorate.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Ok ok but first put on this elf suite and skip around the room singing…

Narrator: After extensive negotiations the Elector was forced to cede Poland Kustrin as well as several wagonloads of gold. Finally Poland once more reached to the Oder and now only the Baltic city of Szczecin in Pommerania stood between the King and his goal of establishing the Polish western border on the Oder.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Well this reign has been so glorious I shall surely be remembered as indeed even greater than my cousin Vytautas.

Court Officials and Hirelings: Indeed your greater than Vytautasness, nothing can now stain your golden legacy!

Nervous Court Advisor: My King! The Nobles have sent word from the meeting of the Szlachta, demanding your presence. Something about your heir and something called a Neminem Captivabimus.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Neminem what? Hmmmm…I don’t think this is a good thing.

The Polish Szlachta telling the King what’s what

Narrator: Oh if only he knew…

 

[unmerged(4766)]

This AAR is getting better by every post
I could quote a lot of great things, but this one thrilled me the most:

Thoroughly Beaten Elector of Brandenburg Frederick I von Hohenzollern: Great King, I have come to humbly ask for terms so you can end the nightmare you have unleashed upon my poor electorate.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Ok ok but first put on this elf suite and skip around the room singing

Talk about negotiations! :rofl:

 

[treedom]

Brilliant!!

Clueless Lithuanian Messenger: Very good sire, by what date can we expect these forces and where?

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: On the 30th of February. We shall fall out of the sky.

That and many other parts made me litteraly laugh out loud!!

 

[unmerged(9046)]

Well, you learn something new every day. Thoroughly Beaten Elector of Brandenburg Frederick I von Hohenzollern is a female elf!

Still loving this tale....

 

[Lofman]

This is a very good AAR indeed. Very funny. Keep up the good work!

 

[unmerged(4766)]

Where's the update? Hey folks, I think John Poole is trying to bail out without notice!!!

 

[John Poole]

Originally posted by juszuf7
Where's the update? Hey folks, I think John Poole is trying to bail out without notice!!!

What? Hey I am doing one a day, it will be coming in a few hourse!

 

[unmerged(18415)]

The section regarding the Emperor and the Pope was, quite simply, pure hilarity.
:rofl:

 

[MAlexander06]

Not were the sections already mentioned worthy of :rofl: , the whole AAR can be described with it.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

[Director]

Simply hysterical. You have grasped the Python style and have the talent to make your own way with it...

Worthy of Blackadder at its best, I think. Simply hysterical. Oh, wait, I said that already.

I'm laughing so hard I'm light-headed.

 

[John Poole]

Civil War, Wars, Intrigue, and minding your Mommy

Narrator: Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas went to the Szlachta and was greeted by his loyal nobles.

Outraged Conservative Noble: Oh if it isn’t that Lithuanian who thinks he is King of Poland! Louis I The Great’s daughter’s rather poor taste in men is the only reason you have that title, you vile former pagan, and since she is dead I cant imagine why we should honor you as King. I certainly can’t see why we should confirm your Son by that White Russian Sophia as the next King of Poland.

Jadwiga, Daughter of Louis I the Great and third wife of Wladislaw II Jagiello, Queen of Poland 1382-1399

Horde of Hostile Nobles: HURRAH! DOWN WITH THE LITHUANIANS AND RUSSIANS! NO TO WLADISLAW’S HEIR!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: You traitorous dogs! I shall arrest the lot of you!

Outraged but Smug Conservative Noble: Well you see that is what this is all about you Lithuanian idol worshipping twit! We have just passed a new law called the Neminem Captivabimus. It says you can no longer arrest any Nobles without due process of law! Laws not men will rule us! You must sign or we will not confirm your pagan offspring as King of Poland.

Horde of Revolutionary Nobles: RULE OF LAW! RULE OF LAW! JUSTICE FOR NOBLES!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas and Arch-Reactionary: Rule of law? BAH! I am King and only I rule here and my word is the law! GUARDS! ARREST THESE FOOLS!

Revolutionary Nobles: NEVER! DOWN WITH THE KING! TO THE BARRICADES! GIVE US LIBERTY OR GIVE US DEATH!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Well I am glad you gave me a choice in the matter. I think I will go for option #2.

Narrator: Needless to say the meeting was a turning point in history. A glorious revolution broke out the next day and Nobles across the country flocked to the banner of freedom. It was the Noble’s cause of the freedom of man and justice against the King and his evil white guards of reaction. The King rode to Berlin and joined his army of Royalist Reactionary Pig-Dogs and…

* WOMP * * THUD * * ex-Narrator is hauled off to the dungeon by Reactionary White Guards *

New More Politically Acceptable Narrator: The Noble King was soon faced by vile treason on every front. He rallied his loyal army and crossed the Oder into Poland to save his country from God-less traitors. A loyal scout rode into his camp near Kustrin.

Loyal Scout: Your Greater than Vytautasness! An army of traitors is waiting for you near Poznan!

King Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: No worry I have an army of 5,000 elite knights near Gniezno. They will attack them from the rear while we attack them from the front. We will crush this rebellion in one swift stroke!

Royalist White Guard Reactionary Pig-Dogs: HURRAH!

Loyal Scout: Well…you see your army of 5,000 elite knights IS the army of traitors waiting for you near Poznan.

King Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas and a bit Foul Mouthed: *&^%*&#

Narrator: Courageous in the face of grave treason, the King rode on to Poznan and faced the vile betrayers of the rightful King on the field of honor.

Revolutionary Elite Knights: VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

A typical Revolutionary Elite Knight

White Guard Reactionary Knights: DIE YOU PINKO BASTARDS!

Narrator: the Kings brave loyalists slaughtered the treasonous knights that day but the forces of evil treason were far from beaten. For the rest of the year the war raged through every Polish province. Great battles were fought at Lublin, Krakow and Gniezno. Each battle sapped the strength of the loyal troops and the forces of treason continued ever stronger. Despite this the King was still following affairs in neighboring nations.

Messenger from Vilnius: Great King of Poland! I bring you news from Vilnius! Your cousin Vytautas the Great has tragically died! All of Lithuania is struck by grief. But do not despair! The Lithuanian council has elected your own brother, Svitrigaila, to be the new Grand Duke of Lithuania!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Um…great. Hmmm my brother is a very competent man and will surely lead Lithuania to further greatness. With my country falling apart I cant now let my brother upstage me! Hmmmm…but messenger what about Vytautas’ brother Zygimantas?

Messenger from Vilnius: That worthless pig? We would never even consider him! He is unscrupulous and would sell out the interests of our nation for his own petty interests!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Yes that’s exactly what I had in mind. That is to say, that is exactly why I want him out of Lithuania so he won’t endanger the just rule of my noble brother. Send him here to me so I can keep an eye on him.

Messenger from Vilnius: What a brilliant idea great King! You are truly a friend of Lithuania!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Well I am Lithuanian you silly messenger off to Vilnius with you! Oh Court Chamberlain?

Court Chamberlain: Yes your scheming-ness?

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas and Scheming Bastard: Send the word out to all nobles that if they switch sides in the war I have some new lands they might be interested in. And prepare some gold and troops for my noble cousin and future Grand Duke of Lithuania Zygimantas Kestutaitis.

Court Chamberlain: At once your dirty rotten scoundrel-ness.

Narrator: The Nobles were intrigued by the offer. Several accepted the new lands: the Lithuanian Province of Podolia and invaded at once with their private armies. The Grand Duke Svitrigaila called for Lithuania to repulse the aggressors and raised an army and marched towards Podolia and right into a trap. His army was ambushed and defeated by elite German mercenaries led by his cousin Zygimantas Kestutaitis. Zygimantas Kestutaitis quickly handled the situation by getting the Polish nobles in Podolia to swear an oath of fealty to him and then he rode to Vilnius in triumph, having prevented a war between Poland and Lithuania.

Messenger from Vilnius: Oh King of Poland! Zygimantas Kestutaitis has just been made Grand Duke and sends you greetings! He says “I will honor my side of the bargain and Hail the new King of Lithuania.” That is a rather odd statement considering we don’t have a King.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Yes indeed. Tell my fine cousin I wish him the best of luck. I will be arriving in Vilnius as soon as I can to accept his oath of fealty. I am a bit tied up killing my disloyal nobles right now, I am sure he will understand.

Messenger from Vilnius: His oath of WHAT?!!

Narrator: He was crowned Grand Duke of Lithuania on 17 January 1431. To the complete surprise of all he declared Lithuania a vassal to the Polish King and gave Podolia and Volyn to Poland as a present when Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas arrived in Vilnius early in 1432. The wise King Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas used the new lands to bribe several nobles into abandoning the rebel cause. The Ruthenian and White Russian nobles of Lithuania were outraged by the submission of Lithuania to the Catholic Polish King and revolted against the new Grand Duke. Civil war had come to Lithuania.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas and Overall Bastard: Well that couldn’t have gone much better.

Awed Courtier: No my King. You have greatly increased the size of your realm and completely humiliated Lithuania. What amazing luck this is.

Wladislaw II Jageillo the Greater than Vytautas: Um yes…lucky indeed.

Narrator: But the war against the rebels continued to rage across Poland despite the defections of those loyal to the King…and anxious for new lands. The King was forced to borrow a lot of money to keep the war going since few taxes could be collected from burned farms and ravaged towns.

Court Accountant: I have summoned an Italian Banker to help with our situation Sire.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas and Soon to be in Debt: Ok send him in.

Italian Banker

Italian Banker: We've known each other many years King Wladislaw, but this is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though I am godfather to your only child. But let's be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Um…technically you are coming to me, and you aren’t Godfather to any of my MANY children. And further this is the first time I have ever met you!

Italian Banker: I understand. You found paradise in Poland, had a good trade, made a good living. The guards protected you. And you didn't need a friend of me. But uh, now you come to me and you say -- "Give me justice." -- But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you uh ask me to do murder, for money.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: What the heck are you talking about? I want money not justice! * sigh * Are there any German bankers available?

Narrator: The Kingdom of Poland now had debts but it continued to fight on in a bloody civil war. Especially damaging was the huge German rebel army that captured the Polish Garrison at Kustrin in February 1432.

German Rebel Army Leader: The city is ours! On to Berlin!

Informed German Rebel: Um aren’t we part of Poland now? Shouldn’t we go to Krakow?

German Rebel Army Leader: Um…no I am pretty sure our monarch lives in Berlin. At least that’s where he was the last time we rebelled.

German Rabble: ON TO BERLIN! ON TO BERLIN!

Narrator: Needless to say the Elector of Brandenburg was very surprised.

Frederick I von Hohenzollern who has had a very hard reign: What do you people want from me? I already wore an elf suite for God sake!

German Rabble: DEATH TO THE OPPRESSOR! FREEDOM FOR KUSTRIN!

Frederick I von Hohenzollern: I don’t rule Kustrin anymore! GO talk to that bastard of a Polish King!

Deaf German Rabble: DEATH TO THE OPPRESSOR! FREEDOM FOR KUSTRIN!

Frederick I von Hohenzollern: * cry *

Narrator: In a few months the rebels broke down the gates of Berlin and once again the city of devastated by an invading army. The rebels demanded freedom for Kustrin but when they discovered that Frederick I indeed no longer had any authority over Kustrin so they had to settle with making him dress up like an elf and skip around the room. A few days afterwards the Polish army retook Kustrin.

With Poland and Lithuania both embroiled in civil wars, their many enemies attacked. Moldavia and Novgorod declared war in June of 1432. The Golden Horde and the Uzbek Khanate declared war early in 1433. The Tuetonic and Livonian Orders declared war in May of 1433. In February of 1434 Pskov declared war. Foreign invaders, rebel armies, and the armies of Poland and Lithuania marched back and forth across Eastern Europe rampaging and pillaging all in their path. Many great battles were fought and thousands died. It truly was a great time to be alive.

Unfortunately for Poland Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas was not be alive for long. Old and exhausted from almost sixty years as a great monarch, the old man summoned his son Wladislaw to his bedside.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: My son the fire of life is about to leave me and you are to be the new King of Poland. I give to you the Royal Crown.

Wladislaw: Sweet! Thanks Dad!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: I give to you the Royal Crest of our great dynasty.

Wladislaw: Awesome! Wait till I show the other noble kids! They will be so jealous!

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: I give you the huge stack of royal debts I have been piling up during this long war.

Wladislaw: Um…debts?

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: I give you the royal wars and the royal civil war. Have a good time my boy!

Wladislaw: Hey I am only 10 years old! Can’t I put this off for a bit?

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: * Groans and dies *

Court Flunkies: THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE KING! THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE KING!

Wladislaw III: Um I guess not…

Narrator: Faced with numerous enemies at home and abroad the first thing Wladislaw III did was pay off the Moldavians and the Golden Horde and their allies to end those wars. Then he went to bed as it was 7 pm and past his bedtime. The next morning he decided…or more precisely his mommy decided…to make peace with his enemies except for the Teutonic Knights since they had ever been a pain in the royal ass.

Queen Mother Sophia of Holszany: Now Wladislaw you know your father would not have wanted you to be a naughty boy and not finish off the Teutonic Order! Further…Wladislaw! Don’t chew the royal meal with your mouth open!

Wladislaw III: Mom! Please!

Narrator: It was time to settle things with the knights. Also the loyal armies of Poland had executed most of the rebels. The great Wielka Armia Koronna marched on Prussia…again…and defeated the Teutonic Army…again.

Fighting the Teutonic Knights…again.

The Wielka Armia Koronna besieged Konigsberg throughout 1435. Another Polish army besieged Memel. Unfortunately the Livonian Order besieged Gniezno while the Polish Royal Army was busy in Prussia, much to the annoyance of the Archbishop who sent very desperate letters to Wladislaw III’s mommy. The Wielka Armia Koronna left a covering force at Konigsberg and marched to Gniezno, defeated the Livonian Order army there and the Order accepted gold to end the war and left the Teutonic Order to their fate…again.

As the civil war and war with the Teutonic Order raged on into 1437 strange changes began to happen to Wladislaw III. His voice began to crack and he could no longer speak to the girls at court without sweating and running in terror. It was a clear indication that our little Wladislaw III was growing up. In order to escape the babying of his mother and to meet hot chicks he finally left the palace and take personal command of his army at Memel. His presence clearly inspired the men.

Wladislaw III King of Poland (1434-1444) in puberty

Wladislaw III: Cool can I fire that catapult? When is that wall coming down? I want to kill some Germans darnit! When do we get to ravish the young maidens?

Polish General: Um sure your majesty. Would you like to torture some prisoners and help burn the next village?

Wladislaw III: WOW! Really? Being King is great!

Narrator: In 1439 after nearly ten years of bloody and thoroughly fun conflict Memel and Konigsberg surrendered to Poland and the last rebel army was slaughtered near Gdansk. Wladislaw III signed the treaty of Konigsberg that ceded Memel to Poland. The young man rode out to Memel to greet his new subjects.

Wladislaw III: People of Memel! The Germans have finally been driven from your lands!

Prussians: HURRAH! Prussia for the Prussians!

Wladislaw III: Well actually no. Prussia is for the Polish. I am now your King so bow down before me!

Angry Prussians: WHAT?!

Angry Memel City Father: Don’t think we wont fight for our freedom Polish oppressor!

Wladislaw III: Oh I counted on it! I am leaving 10,000 crack troops to keep you company, they really love killing rebels for they have been doing it for the past 10 years. I welcome you though to my Kingdom and can’t wait to collect my first taxes from you. Ta-ta!

Crack Polish Troops Ready to Slaughter Rebels

Narrator: It was a new glorious period for Poland. However greater news was to come. The Archbiship of Gniezno journeyed to Krakow in November of 1439 to make an important announcement that would start a new era.

 

[Arilou]

German Rebel Army Leader: Um…no I am pretty sure our monarch lives in Berlin. At least that’s where he was the last time we rebelled.

Priceless!

 

[unmerged(4766)]

Frederick I von Hohenzollern who has had a very hard reign: What do you people want from me? I already wore an elf suite for God sake!

German Rabble: DEATH TO THE OPPRESSOR! FREEDOM FOR KUSTRIN!

Frederick I von Hohenzollern: I don?t rule Kustrin anymore! GO talk to that bastard of a Polish King!

Deaf German Rabble: DEATH TO THE OPPRESSOR! FREEDOM FOR KUSTRIN!

Frederick I von Hohenzollern: * cry *

:rofl: This is great!

How did you make the Lithuanians your vassal? Is there such an event in EU2? Cause I have 1.05 and can't seem to remember something like that...

 

[John Poole]

Originally posted by juszuf7
:rofl: This is great!

How did you make the Lithuanians your vassal? Is there such an event in EU2? Cause I have 1.05 and can't seem to remember something like that...

Thanks . I thought it was really funny that the rebels in Kustrin would keep going to Berlin each time .

It is an EEP event called the "Submission of Lithuania" it only happens if the Polish player does really mean things to Lithuania after Vytautas dies...which I did of course .

 

[unmerged(18415)]

Re: Victory, Glory, and Sausage

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: People of Gdansk! Your liberation is at hand! The despicable Germans have been removed from this land and you have been restored to your rightful King!

Crowd of Confused German Residents: Was? Sprechen Sie Deutches?

Royal Advisor: Um it appears, your Greater than Vytautasness, that while the Germans occupied the city they turned it into a German city.

Wladislaw II Jagiello the Greater than Vytautas: Oh well so long as they pay their taxes.

Lovin' it.

 

[unmerged(6145)]

Very funny. Thoroughly entertaining. Three thumbs up!

 

[John Poole]

Poland in 1439 during the reign of Wladislaw III

Aristocracy: 8
Centralization: 4
Innovativeness: 6
Mercantilism: 9
Offensive: 8
Land: 8
Quality: 5
Serfdom: 10

Military Alliance with Lithuania
Lithuania is a vassal

Provinces of Poland:
(Format: Province (City) Resource Tax-Trade)

Ruthenian Orthodox Heretic Province:
Galizien (Lwow) Grain 12-0

Good Ruthenian Catholic Province:
Podolia (Czernowitz) Grain 8-0

Lithuanian Orthodox Heretic Province:
Volyn (Brest-Litovsk) Wool 10-1

German Catholic Provinces:
Küstrin (Küstrin) Wool 10-1
Danzig (Gdansk) Center of Trade, Grain 75-0

Baltic Catholic Province:
Memel (Memel) Grain 8-0

Polish Catholic Provinces:
Poznan (Poznan) Salt 15-6
Wielkopolska (Gniezno) Cloth 19-12
Mazovia (Warszaw) Cloth 19-12
Podlasia (Lublin) Grain 12-0
Krakow (Krakow) Cloth 21-12

Army consists of 11,596 Cannon Fodder Infantry
and 5,813 Noble Knights on Horseback

Lithuania has 19 provinces:
Lithuania
Belarus
Mozyr
Smolensk
Chernigov
Ukraina
Jedisan
Krementung
Crimea
Donetsk
Poltava
Belgorod
Bogutjar
Ryazan
Tula
Welikia
Pskov
Polotsk
Kursk

 

[unmerged(4766)]

Your army is quite weak, must have been all those revolts. Be careful and increase your strength as quickly as possible, or your neighbors will take advantage (as they already have) and smack you like a bitch (couldn't remember any other term)

 

[John Poole]

A Crusade!

Narrator: And so on New Years Day 1440 the Archbishop of Gniezno stood in front of the crowded Royal Polish Court.

Archbishop of Gniezno: Laetentur coeli! The Schism is over! The Patriarch has accepted the leadership of the Pope and Christendom is united once more!

Apathetic Courtiers: * Apathetic Silence *

Archbishop of Gniezno: And the His Holiness Eugene IV has proclaimed a crusade against the vile Turks to liberate our Christian brothers in Constantinople!

Pope Eugene IV 1431-1447

Uninterested Knights and Courtiers: Um…great.

Archbishop of Gniezno: The Pope has considered all the great kings of Europe looking for one stupi…er…brave and devout enough for this heroic endeavor! The King of Hungary Albert V von Habsburg is dead and he has left only an unborn child as heir. Don’t you see? The Pope has allowed the Hungarians to make our own King Wladislaw III, the King of Hungary! With the combined forces of Hungary and Poland the Turks will be overwhelmed and Christendom will be saved! CRUSADE! CRUSADE!

Wladislaw III: Me? King of Hungary? Destroyer of the Turks? YES! It is God’s will! First I will conquer the Turks…then Egypt…then the Tatars…then India…then THE WORLD! I will conquer the world for Christendom and be the most famous King in history IT IS GODS WILL!

Suddenly Animated Knights and Courtiers: LONG LIVE HIS CRUSADING MAJESTY WLADISLAW III! ON TO JERUSALEM! DEATH TO THE TURKS!

Cautious Court Advisor: Um my liege we have only conquered Memel so far perhaps we should worry about preliminary things like how we are going to defeat the Habsburgs to get the crown of Hungary? I hear they really covet the Crown of St. Stephen and they have the Emperor Friedrick III von Habsburg on their side.

Friedrick III, Archduke of Austria and Holy Roman Emperor (1440-1493)

Wladislaw III: Don’t you see? The crown is even named after a saint! It is the hand of GOD!

Archbishop of Gniezno: Indeed! And as further evidence of the plan of the divine a messenger has come from Vilnius with a very important announcement of his own.

Messenger from Vilnius: My King the Grand Duke Zygimantas Kestutaitis is dying. We in Lithuania all mourn for him. I mean sure he sold us all out to Poland for his own petty desire for the throne but he is still Grand Duke and that has to count for something. I have come here though to make an announcement. The Parliament of Lithuania has elected his successor and they could not have made a better choice.

Wladislaw III: I am also to be Grand Duke of Lithuania! I AM A GOD!!

Messenger from Vilnius: The young man they have chosen has shown promise to be a great monarch, perhaps the greatest in Lithuanian history. His noble father defeated the Teutonic Knights at Grunwald and he has two cousins and an uncle who have also been Grand Dukes of Lithuania, leading our nation to great glory and victory. I speak of course of the late Wladislaw II Jagiello’s son, Casimir Andreas Jagiello!

Wladislaw III: What my brat kid brother Casimir? What has he done to show promise besides getting the crap beaten out of him by me on a daily basis?

Casimir Andreas Jagiello AKA Kazimieras I Jogailaitis Grand Duke of Lithuania: HAH! IN YOUR FACE BRO!

Wladislaw III: You are sooo dead Cas! Prepare for the wedge-y from hell!

Cautious Court Advisor: Um you can’t beat him up anymore your Majesty. That would now be considered an international incident.

Wladislaw III: Oh well you are just a lousy Grand Duke while I am King of two Kingdoms. Also don’t forget who the vassal is here!

Kazimeiras I Jogailaitis: MOM! WLADISLAW IS BEING MEAN!

Narrator: The old Grand Duke died on 21 March 1440 and Kazimeiras I Jagailaitis was crowned the same day. He immediately tried to declare war on Poland but finding he could not seeing as how Poland was Lithuania’s liege lord and ally, he had to settle beating up on and annexing the Principality of Tver.
Meanwhile Wladislaw III journeyed to Buda and was crowned King Ulászló I of Hungary on 17 July 1440. Hungary was broken into two factions. The Emperor Friedrick III von Habsburg in support of Albert V’s widow backed the “Loyalists” and the “Nationalists” were supporters of Wladislaw III/Ulászló I and were led by Hungarian noble János Hunyadi. Wladislaw III/Ulászló I led a large army of 20,000 Poles in to defend his claim against the forces of the Habsburgs.

Wladislaw III/Ulászló I: Today Hungary, tommorow the world! Come on men lets go kill some loyalist scum!

Wladislaw III/Ulászló I King of Hungary (1440-1444) King of Poland (1434-1444) in action.

Polish General: Well that is kind of a problem your Majesty. You see we can’t understand a word anybody in this country is saying. How do we tell if a Hungarian is loyal to the Emperor or to you?

Wladislaw III/Ulászló I: Well if the town looks particularly rich and poorly defended then I would suspect it is a supporter of the evil Austrians.

Polish General: Oh good we have already been using that method.

Narrator: While Poland itself enjoyed a period of peace and prosperity, Polish knights enjoyed a period of plunder and pillage in Hungary. The long Hungarian Civil War dragged on. By 1444 it appeared to be in a stalemate with the Loyalist and Imperial forces dominating the Danube Basin and the Nationalist and Polish forces dominating the Carpathians, Hungarian Bohemia (Bohemia was partitioned between Hungary, Austria, and Saxony during the Hussite Wars) and Croatia. Wladislaw III/Ulászló I was desperate to defeat the Emperor so he could get to the business of defeating the Turks and conquering the world.

Wladislaw III/Ulászló I: What is it going to take to finally end this accursed civil war?

Hungarian Nationalist: Well I don’t think it will end until we remove all the foreigners that pollute the sacred soil of Hungary.

Wladislaw III/Ulászló I: Indeed. We have been trying to drive them off for four years now but little progress is being made.

Hungarian Nationalist: Well I have a plan to end this war immediately and once and for all.

Wladislaw III/Ulászló I: Really? What is it?

Hungarian Nationalist: I could demonstrate it, if your Majesty wishes.

Wladislaw III/Ulászló I: Yes indeed show me this plan of yours my loyal subject.

Hungarian Nationalist: * draws his sword and lops off the head of a very stunned Wladislaw III/Ulászló I * There one less damn foreigner in Hungary.

Narrator: The Hungarians drove both the Poles and Austrians out of Hungary and declared the throne empty. János Hunyadi was named Hungarian regent. Needless to say the relationship between Hungary and Poland was a bit tense for a while after this. As usual a Crusade failed miserably in reducing the world’s Muslim population but it did do a great job ransacking Hungary…at least that’s something.

 

[John Poole]

http://www.onlipix.com/kings/poland/general.htm

It has been brought to my attention that:

1. Wladislaw is spelled Wladyslaw

and 2. The original Wladislaw I and II were not really Kings of Poland but Grand Dukes of Poland.

I apologize and pass the buck fully to the website listed above that misled me. However Wladislaw does seem to be an accepted spelling so I will continue to use it.

Also the proper Polish name for Kustrin seems to be Kostryzn so I will be using that name from now on. Perhaps I will go back and change it so as to avoid confusion. Incidently Szczecin is Stettin and Gdansk is Danzig. Even though Silesia is a former Polish province and even though it is quit wealthy I dont want it because I want to give me Poland natural boundaries, and Silesia is isolated on the far side of the Oder.

Incidently to any Poles who read this AAR, I hope I am not butchering your history too much. I am really impressed with what a liberal society you guys had in the 15th century. Rule of law? A parliament with the power of the purse? An elective Monarchy (well thats 16th century). Wow way ahead of its time. My Poland is going to be a bit less Liberal though .