War and the Unicycle Riding Orangutan
Narrator: The Balkan Campaign of 1671-1672 would be a brutal war of attrition that would strain both countries to their limits. Jan Sobieski hoped it would be an easy and decisive victory with the Osmani temporarily in disarray. In attempting to achieve this he perilously left his forces divided and this time left none in reserve. He ordered the Druna Armia Koronna of Jan Stanislaw Jablonowski to invade Wallachia and by 20 March 1671, the Wallachian Army was crushed and Bucharest was under siege. He sent Marcin Katski’s reconstituted Trzecia Armia Polska (it having been all but wiped out at the Battle of Lwow) to capture Varna in Rumelia and it was under siege by 2 April 1671. Sobieski commanded Hetman Stanislaw Ernest Denhoff’s Pierwsza Armia Koronna to attack Dobrudja and capture the strategic Black Sea city of Silistra, which was besieged by 19 March.
With the way clear, Sobieski took his victorious Wielka Armia Koronna to attack Thrace itself and by 29 April his cavalry was devastating the countryside outside of Constantinople where Mehmed IV was getting quite agitated. However, Sobieski had made a critical mistake by spreading out his forces and committing his reserve to attack Thrace, one which the wily Grand Vizier Köprülü Ahmed would take advantage. It was a good thing for Köprülü Ahmed to because his hold on his office was getting quite tenous after the military debacles of 1670-1671.
In May of 1671 the first counter-attack was launched by the Osmani, a force of 10,000 Wallachians attacked the Druna Armia Koronna outside of Bucharest and they were beaten back after a two day battle. On 2 June, 18,000 Turks attacked Jan Sobieski’s 14,000 cavalry in Thrace and after 6 days and hundreds of casualties the Turks were beaten off. On 2 July another counterattack, 7,000 Wallachians in Wallachia and it took 13 days to beat them off and Jan Stanislaw Jablonowski’s army was now down to quarter of its strength. On 20 July a Turkish force of 29,000 attacked Sobieski’s remaining 9,000 cavalry in Thrace forcing him to retreat after nearly two weeks of bloody fighting. The tide had turned and raw Turkish numbers began to take their toll, and there were no Rzeczpospolita reserves to commit, each army was on its own.
Battle of Adrianople (Edirne) 20 July 1671
Twice more, in late August and in November, the Wallachians and Turks launched large attacks against Jan Stanislaw Jablonowski’s army. Jablonowski’s Ukrainian and Moldavian infantry fought heroically against enormous odds and beat them back both times. However, by December Jablonowski only had 2,000 men and 3 cannon left and had to retreat to Moldavia to save what was left of his once proud army, undefeated but not victorious.
Meanwhile Jan Sobieski’s remaining 2,500 Hussars 500 Cossacks and 1,300 Russians retreated to Rumelia where Marcin Katski’s Trzecia Armia Polska was still besieging Varna.
Jan Sobieski: The Turks will be here any moment! Katski! Get your guns up on that hill! You there! Start making a palisade around the base! Move quickly you mangy dogs unless you want the death you deserve!
Polish and German Infantry: Yes Hetman! Right away Hetman!
Narrator: The Turks attacked Sobieski’s position around Varna on 16 September. The defenses of the Poles held against the 25,000 Turks until Sobieski’s Hussars counter-attacked and drove them off. Sobieski would commit his forces to the capture of Varna.
Sobieski reviews some standards captured at The Battle of Varna 16 September 1671
Narrator: The cost for Varna would be high. Two more massive battles would be fought around the city before it finally fell to Sobieski on 1 May 1672. However the same day, another Turkish army drove Denhoff’s Pierwsza Armia Koronna out of Dobrudja and left Sobieski’s forces surrounded in Rumelia. Sobieski now commanded just 6,000 men and 8 cannon left of the Wielka Armia Koronna and Druna Armia Koronna. The Turkish Army had suffered immensly, losing over 300,000 men in two years. The Rzeczpospolita Army was nearly destroyed however, with only 15,000 men and 22 cannon left but many more were quickly being mobilized. At this juncture, the Turks began to negotiate a peace with Sobieski, not knowing the extent that the Rzeczpospolita Army had collasped. Sobieski desperately needed peace as the only way to save his isolated army in Varna. Meanwhile, one of the Rzeczpospolita’s neighbors would try to take advantage of its weakness.
Bohemia had been ruled by Hungary for over two hundred years at this point, but ever since the Magyar conversion to Lutheranism (and then a bizarre conversion to the Reform faith and then back again) the once great Hungarian Kingdom had been unstable and public enemy #1 for the Austrian Habsburgs who had made it a tradition to crush the Lutheran kingdom every few years and grab a province or two. During this period, the Czech and German Catholics in Moravia and Erz had revolted from Hungary and formed a new Kingdom of Bohemia…without Bohemia itself.
Moravian: BAH who needs the Bohemians? They are a bunch of snobby pricks anyway!
Narrator: Yes but why did you name your new Kingdom after them then?
Moravian: Because there once was a Kingdom of Bohemia! We can get all their foreign real estate and we can save money on not having to make a new coat of arms! Besides the Kingdom of Moravia-Erz just doesn’t sound right.
Narrator: True enough. Anyway the Kingdom had no King so a Diet of Nobles assembled in Erz and made the Emperor Leopold I the figure head King and ruled in his name and threw a few people out the window. Hoping to gain some renown and prestige against one of their powerful neighbors, the Moravian-Erz…err…Bohemian Diet voted to go to war with the Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów on 27 April 1572, after throwing a few people out the window. As you can imagine the King was up to the challenge.
The Bohemian Diet throwing people out the window
Bohemian Ambassador who is actually Moravian: So in conclusion we Bohemians who aren’t actually Bohemians are going to kick the crap out of you, you pathetic Polish wannabe Republic and take your best lands that border us!
Michal I Korybut: So if I give you my lands you wont attack me?!
Bohemian Ambassador who is actually Moravian: Um…yes I suppose so…
Michal I Korybut: Ok! So how about Krakow? Would you also like Galizien because I * THONK *
Polish Advisor: Oh dear a large brick suddenly knocked our beloved King unconcious. Anyway I think I can anticipate the King’s wishes. He wishes to tell you Bohemians who aren’t actually Bohemians to prepare to die! You will regret the day you decided to mess with the Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów Bohemian dogs who aren’t actually Bohemians!
Bohemian Ambassador who is actually Moravian: Really? It sure sounded like he was going to give us Krakow and Galizien…maybe we should wait until he wakes up again just to make sure?
Lithuanian Advisor: Oh trust us! He only craves Bohemian blood that is not actually Bohemian! Now begone Bohemian scum who is actually Moravian!
Narrator: Unfortunately with no Rzeczpospolita forces available at the moment to oppose the Bohemians who aren’t actually Bohemians, they had no resistance when they marched on Krakow and besieged the city on 17 May 1672. As you can imagine this made Sobieski’s situation in July even more difficult. Fortunately the Turks were ignorant of how desperate the Rzeczpospolita position was.
Jan Sobieski: Oh dear…the Turks are really going to milk this negotiation…I shall go down in history as one of the worst Grand Royal Hetmans ever…
Uninformed Turkish Pasha: Well mighty Pole, your invincible armies have given us beating after beating! I am sure you have many thousands of men waiting to continue your invasion, so the mighty Sultan has decided to offer you this sum of gold for peace.
Jan Sobieski: REALY?!! Err…that is…perhaps we shall stay our hand and accept this pitiable sum if only to spare the lives that would surely be forfeit once our innumerable legions descend on you once more!
Uninformed Turkish Pasha: So you want no Turkish territory? Wow I am one hell of a negotiator!
Jan Sobieski: Well…um…we could of course take some if we wanted but we are a generous Christain nation you see.
Uninformed Turkish Pasha: Wow! So I don’t have to wear this orangutan suit and dance around on this unicycle?
Jan Sobieski: Well…if you have time I do!
Uninformed Turkish Pasha: You Poles are so vicious in victory!
An Uninformed Turkish Pasha in an orangutan suite dancing on a unicycle
Narrator: Thanks to being uninformed, the Turks accidentally surrendered to a country with practically no army that was being invaded by another country. After it was discovered, the Sultan in a rage almost forced his Pasha to dress up like an orangutan and dance on a unicycle...but then in a fit of mercy he just had him recruited into his Eunuch guards. After the Treaty of Varna was signed on 12 July 1672, the victorious Jan Sobieski gathered what remained of his armies and marched north to Krakow, which was under siege from Bohemians who were actually Germans and Moravians!
Narrator: The Balkan Campaign of 1671-1672 would be a brutal war of attrition that would strain both countries to their limits. Jan Sobieski hoped it would be an easy and decisive victory with the Osmani temporarily in disarray. In attempting to achieve this he perilously left his forces divided and this time left none in reserve. He ordered the Druna Armia Koronna of Jan Stanislaw Jablonowski to invade Wallachia and by 20 March 1671, the Wallachian Army was crushed and Bucharest was under siege. He sent Marcin Katski’s reconstituted Trzecia Armia Polska (it having been all but wiped out at the Battle of Lwow) to capture Varna in Rumelia and it was under siege by 2 April 1671. Sobieski commanded Hetman Stanislaw Ernest Denhoff’s Pierwsza Armia Koronna to attack Dobrudja and capture the strategic Black Sea city of Silistra, which was besieged by 19 March.
With the way clear, Sobieski took his victorious Wielka Armia Koronna to attack Thrace itself and by 29 April his cavalry was devastating the countryside outside of Constantinople where Mehmed IV was getting quite agitated. However, Sobieski had made a critical mistake by spreading out his forces and committing his reserve to attack Thrace, one which the wily Grand Vizier Köprülü Ahmed would take advantage. It was a good thing for Köprülü Ahmed to because his hold on his office was getting quite tenous after the military debacles of 1670-1671.
In May of 1671 the first counter-attack was launched by the Osmani, a force of 10,000 Wallachians attacked the Druna Armia Koronna outside of Bucharest and they were beaten back after a two day battle. On 2 June, 18,000 Turks attacked Jan Sobieski’s 14,000 cavalry in Thrace and after 6 days and hundreds of casualties the Turks were beaten off. On 2 July another counterattack, 7,000 Wallachians in Wallachia and it took 13 days to beat them off and Jan Stanislaw Jablonowski’s army was now down to quarter of its strength. On 20 July a Turkish force of 29,000 attacked Sobieski’s remaining 9,000 cavalry in Thrace forcing him to retreat after nearly two weeks of bloody fighting. The tide had turned and raw Turkish numbers began to take their toll, and there were no Rzeczpospolita reserves to commit, each army was on its own.
Battle of Adrianople (Edirne) 20 July 1671
Twice more, in late August and in November, the Wallachians and Turks launched large attacks against Jan Stanislaw Jablonowski’s army. Jablonowski’s Ukrainian and Moldavian infantry fought heroically against enormous odds and beat them back both times. However, by December Jablonowski only had 2,000 men and 3 cannon left and had to retreat to Moldavia to save what was left of his once proud army, undefeated but not victorious.
Meanwhile Jan Sobieski’s remaining 2,500 Hussars 500 Cossacks and 1,300 Russians retreated to Rumelia where Marcin Katski’s Trzecia Armia Polska was still besieging Varna.
Jan Sobieski: The Turks will be here any moment! Katski! Get your guns up on that hill! You there! Start making a palisade around the base! Move quickly you mangy dogs unless you want the death you deserve!
Polish and German Infantry: Yes Hetman! Right away Hetman!
Narrator: The Turks attacked Sobieski’s position around Varna on 16 September. The defenses of the Poles held against the 25,000 Turks until Sobieski’s Hussars counter-attacked and drove them off. Sobieski would commit his forces to the capture of Varna.
Sobieski reviews some standards captured at The Battle of Varna 16 September 1671
Narrator: The cost for Varna would be high. Two more massive battles would be fought around the city before it finally fell to Sobieski on 1 May 1672. However the same day, another Turkish army drove Denhoff’s Pierwsza Armia Koronna out of Dobrudja and left Sobieski’s forces surrounded in Rumelia. Sobieski now commanded just 6,000 men and 8 cannon left of the Wielka Armia Koronna and Druna Armia Koronna. The Turkish Army had suffered immensly, losing over 300,000 men in two years. The Rzeczpospolita Army was nearly destroyed however, with only 15,000 men and 22 cannon left but many more were quickly being mobilized. At this juncture, the Turks began to negotiate a peace with Sobieski, not knowing the extent that the Rzeczpospolita Army had collasped. Sobieski desperately needed peace as the only way to save his isolated army in Varna. Meanwhile, one of the Rzeczpospolita’s neighbors would try to take advantage of its weakness.
Bohemia had been ruled by Hungary for over two hundred years at this point, but ever since the Magyar conversion to Lutheranism (and then a bizarre conversion to the Reform faith and then back again) the once great Hungarian Kingdom had been unstable and public enemy #1 for the Austrian Habsburgs who had made it a tradition to crush the Lutheran kingdom every few years and grab a province or two. During this period, the Czech and German Catholics in Moravia and Erz had revolted from Hungary and formed a new Kingdom of Bohemia…without Bohemia itself.
Moravian: BAH who needs the Bohemians? They are a bunch of snobby pricks anyway!
Narrator: Yes but why did you name your new Kingdom after them then?
Moravian: Because there once was a Kingdom of Bohemia! We can get all their foreign real estate and we can save money on not having to make a new coat of arms! Besides the Kingdom of Moravia-Erz just doesn’t sound right.
Narrator: True enough. Anyway the Kingdom had no King so a Diet of Nobles assembled in Erz and made the Emperor Leopold I the figure head King and ruled in his name and threw a few people out the window. Hoping to gain some renown and prestige against one of their powerful neighbors, the Moravian-Erz…err…Bohemian Diet voted to go to war with the Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów on 27 April 1572, after throwing a few people out the window. As you can imagine the King was up to the challenge.
The Bohemian Diet throwing people out the window
Bohemian Ambassador who is actually Moravian: So in conclusion we Bohemians who aren’t actually Bohemians are going to kick the crap out of you, you pathetic Polish wannabe Republic and take your best lands that border us!
Michal I Korybut: So if I give you my lands you wont attack me?!
Bohemian Ambassador who is actually Moravian: Um…yes I suppose so…
Michal I Korybut: Ok! So how about Krakow? Would you also like Galizien because I * THONK *
Polish Advisor: Oh dear a large brick suddenly knocked our beloved King unconcious. Anyway I think I can anticipate the King’s wishes. He wishes to tell you Bohemians who aren’t actually Bohemians to prepare to die! You will regret the day you decided to mess with the Rzeczpospolita Obojga Narodów Bohemian dogs who aren’t actually Bohemians!
Bohemian Ambassador who is actually Moravian: Really? It sure sounded like he was going to give us Krakow and Galizien…maybe we should wait until he wakes up again just to make sure?
Lithuanian Advisor: Oh trust us! He only craves Bohemian blood that is not actually Bohemian! Now begone Bohemian scum who is actually Moravian!
Narrator: Unfortunately with no Rzeczpospolita forces available at the moment to oppose the Bohemians who aren’t actually Bohemians, they had no resistance when they marched on Krakow and besieged the city on 17 May 1672. As you can imagine this made Sobieski’s situation in July even more difficult. Fortunately the Turks were ignorant of how desperate the Rzeczpospolita position was.
Jan Sobieski: Oh dear…the Turks are really going to milk this negotiation…I shall go down in history as one of the worst Grand Royal Hetmans ever…
Uninformed Turkish Pasha: Well mighty Pole, your invincible armies have given us beating after beating! I am sure you have many thousands of men waiting to continue your invasion, so the mighty Sultan has decided to offer you this sum of gold for peace.
Jan Sobieski: REALY?!! Err…that is…perhaps we shall stay our hand and accept this pitiable sum if only to spare the lives that would surely be forfeit once our innumerable legions descend on you once more!
Uninformed Turkish Pasha: So you want no Turkish territory? Wow I am one hell of a negotiator!
Jan Sobieski: Well…um…we could of course take some if we wanted but we are a generous Christain nation you see.
Uninformed Turkish Pasha: Wow! So I don’t have to wear this orangutan suit and dance around on this unicycle?
Jan Sobieski: Well…if you have time I do!
Uninformed Turkish Pasha: You Poles are so vicious in victory!
An Uninformed Turkish Pasha in an orangutan suite dancing on a unicycle
Narrator: Thanks to being uninformed, the Turks accidentally surrendered to a country with practically no army that was being invaded by another country. After it was discovered, the Sultan in a rage almost forced his Pasha to dress up like an orangutan and dance on a unicycle...but then in a fit of mercy he just had him recruited into his Eunuch guards. After the Treaty of Varna was signed on 12 July 1672, the victorious Jan Sobieski gathered what remained of his armies and marched north to Krakow, which was under siege from Bohemians who were actually Germans and Moravians!
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! Especially against the Turks who raised a ton of troops very quickly even after I just annihilated over 120,000 of them in a few months.
