-
We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Rome, we have a problem??? :rofl::rofl::rofl:
Ehm, you need smaller mice for beating the small african elephants.
Mmmh... interesting... Mice bigger than elephants?
Glad to have you onbard and welcome!
Chapter V
The Age of Chuckius
The Age of Chuckius
When Secundus Nieblus was nominated as Consul, all the Romans were surprised. Secundus more than anyone else, it goes without saying.
As the Romans of those days were quite prone to believe in signs and portentiums of quite a variety, it was said that having a dog as Consul was going to end badly.
If there was anyone else that didn't believe that, he changed soon his mind as there were bad news coming to Rome from the borders. The Barbarian hordes which the late Primus Nieblus had defeated had returned in earnest and had given a hard trashing to the Roman Legions which defended the Alps. Now, a huge force had gathered to descend upon Rome, as tribes from the Galia and Hispania had joined the party. It was not a bright day for the Senate.
Then the Barbar tribes decided it was time to have fun and entered into the charming Etruria. As it was their tradition, their annhilated most of the Roman cohorts there and send the rest packing to the winds. Then, they began to ready themselves to advance upon Rome. Secundus was considering running away to the Moon when Cartago offered a quite nice peace treaty, as they were being invaded by the Ptolomaic Empire.
Secundus was quite relieved by this and was going to sigh in sheer happiness when a shadow clouded the sky. Then he said:
-Popmeii? We have a problem.
And a hard voice replied:
-You have a problem, and I'm the solution.
Secundus felt that something dangerous was going on, so, as he had his Pretorian Nieblensis at hand, he just surrended, to avoid having his toga bloodied by someone else blood. Not to mention the possibility of having his head crushed...
Then he asked.
-Okius, I give up, but... who the Hades are you?
-I'm your cousin, Chuckius "Norris" Primus. And I'm going to save Rome. If I get bored doing that, I'll conquest the world, meanwhile.
-That's what I call a dog... What a dog! -came the curtly reply from Secundus.
Chuckius put himself to work at once, using the power given by the Consulate of his willy-nilly cousin. Of course, the first thing was to gather what remained of the Roman army to do something about the Barbarian invassion. The Legions soon learnt that 100,000 bloodthirstiers Barbarian armed with spears and swords were less dangerous than Chuckius armed with a fork, so they soon had enough courage to face the invaders. Chuckius, whose main charm was killing, decided to use two aid de camp, Enewaldus and Comagoosius, as someone was needed to keep the account of the soldier's pay and someone else needed, too, to the heroic deed of Chuckius. As Tomius Clancius was not available, Comagoosius would do the trick.
The, in the early weeks of the year 479 AUC (277 BC ), the Roman cohorts marched to war to defend the city of their parents.
Enewaldus: That dog Chuckius mean bussines, Comagoosius.
Comagoosius: I fully agree, my good Enewaldus. By the way, that pic... it's quite familiar to me, dunno why...
Enewaldus: I was thinking the same now you ask me.
Comagoosius: Yeah.
As the Romans of those days were quite prone to believe in signs and portentiums of quite a variety, it was said that having a dog as Consul was going to end badly.
If there was anyone else that didn't believe that, he changed soon his mind as there were bad news coming to Rome from the borders. The Barbarian hordes which the late Primus Nieblus had defeated had returned in earnest and had given a hard trashing to the Roman Legions which defended the Alps. Now, a huge force had gathered to descend upon Rome, as tribes from the Galia and Hispania had joined the party. It was not a bright day for the Senate.
Then the Barbar tribes decided it was time to have fun and entered into the charming Etruria. As it was their tradition, their annhilated most of the Roman cohorts there and send the rest packing to the winds. Then, they began to ready themselves to advance upon Rome. Secundus was considering running away to the Moon when Cartago offered a quite nice peace treaty, as they were being invaded by the Ptolomaic Empire.
Secundus was quite relieved by this and was going to sigh in sheer happiness when a shadow clouded the sky. Then he said:
-Popmeii? We have a problem.
And a hard voice replied:
-You have a problem, and I'm the solution.
Secundus felt that something dangerous was going on, so, as he had his Pretorian Nieblensis at hand, he just surrended, to avoid having his toga bloodied by someone else blood. Not to mention the possibility of having his head crushed...
Then he asked.
-Okius, I give up, but... who the Hades are you?
-I'm your cousin, Chuckius "Norris" Primus. And I'm going to save Rome. If I get bored doing that, I'll conquest the world, meanwhile.
-That's what I call a dog... What a dog! -came the curtly reply from Secundus.
Chuckius put himself to work at once, using the power given by the Consulate of his willy-nilly cousin. Of course, the first thing was to gather what remained of the Roman army to do something about the Barbarian invassion. The Legions soon learnt that 100,000 bloodthirstiers Barbarian armed with spears and swords were less dangerous than Chuckius armed with a fork, so they soon had enough courage to face the invaders. Chuckius, whose main charm was killing, decided to use two aid de camp, Enewaldus and Comagoosius, as someone was needed to keep the account of the soldier's pay and someone else needed, too, to the heroic deed of Chuckius. As Tomius Clancius was not available, Comagoosius would do the trick.
The, in the early weeks of the year 479 AUC (277 BC ), the Roman cohorts marched to war to defend the city of their parents.
Enewaldus: That dog Chuckius mean bussines, Comagoosius.
Comagoosius: I fully agree, my good Enewaldus. By the way, that pic... it's quite familiar to me, dunno why...
Enewaldus: I was thinking the same now you ask me.
Comagoosius: Yeah.
Chuckius Norrisus... scary...
Btw, he uses forks?
Wow, 1700 years before they were even invented!
That must be the Real Chuck Norrisus!
Btw, he uses forks?
Wow, 1700 years before they were even invented!
That must be the Real Chuck Norrisus!
With Chuckius in charge your enemies won't stand a chance! You can't possibly lose! Unless you want to.
The pic is familiar! The pic is too familiar. In fact you didn't even mind directly linking to my picture
Yeah...I see some conflicts arising between you and me
Tom Clancy, Chuck Norris, Me, Enny. Who is next, George Bushius?
Yeah...I see some conflicts arising between you and me
Tom Clancy, Chuck Norris, Me, Enny. Who is next, George Bushius?
Chuckius Norrisus... scary...
Btw, he uses forks?
Wow, 1700 years before they were even invented!
That must be the Real Chuck Norrisus!
It was the great grand grand grand grand parent.
With Chuckius in charge your enemies won't stand a chance! You can't possibly lose! Unless you want to.
If Chuckius wants something -be president of Texas for instance-, something must be ready to happen.
Chuckius can and will kill you........................
He only needs to think about it.
The pic is familiar! The pic is too familiar. In fact you didn't even mind directly linking to my picture
Yeah...I see some conflicts arising between you and me
Tom Clancy, Chuck Norris, Me, Enny. Who is next, George Bushius?
I'm a lazy man. Peti is a lazy dog. The world is a lazy place...
PS: I thought it would lead to thine AAR (free advertisement and all that), but it seems I was a bit... lazy.
About conflicts. I have Chuckius Norrisus on my side. Nothing else to add
Georgius Bushius? Well, perhaps. Or Camillias Parkerius Bowlius...
Chapter VI
The Quest of the Heroe.
The Quest of the Heroe.
-Ave, Chuckius! -the legions shouted to its general.
-Sons of Rome! You, who do not walk in four legs like me! You, who are not as furrier as I am! You all, I say, are a butch of son of a canis!
The burst of happy laughing which followed this statement filled the field.
-To those who are not that, I'm going to give them the chance to become a rael son of a canis! Legions! Close ranks! For Rome! For the Repulic! Forward! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!
There the legions started the most spectacular battle of all times, with the most subtle tactic ever used. If Hannibal had outflanked them over and over again, if Pirro had surrounded them to attack from behind, if Phillipus had used the legs of his phalangist to move around the enemy army to attack in its weak point, and if Sunt Tzu had proved that the strongest army is the one with the clever general, Chuckius Norris made a fool of all of them.
He saw where the enemy was the strongest and where is own army was the weakest. Thus, he charged full ahead to the strongest redoubt of the enemy...
...and wiped out of a single massive charge. Then, he kept charging until the enemy army broke and fled and the field was covered by corpses rotting, fiend and friend alike. Chuckius there won his fame as a outstanding General
... and as a psychopatic butcher.
Finished (at least for now) the crisis, the Senators turned to his old habits: to betray each other. Quintus Fluvius Flaccus, known as Quintus "Give me da sextericus, man" accused one of his most hated enemies of being a corrupt fiend.
To Flaccus own surprise, the charges were proved right and here and there started a witch hunt which finished many promising careers in the Senate (among them, good old Flaccus's). Cleaned of that disgusting scum, the Republic emerged bright and stronger than ever, even if a black shadow had flew, for a while, over Rome.
During all these events, Secundus Nieblius kept rising in the Cursus Honorum. His good luck and his good well doing were in part the cause of his success, but it also be mentioned the kicks he recevied from his good cousin Chuckius, who kicked him to keep Secundus on the track and aware that, whatever his enemies may do to Secundus, Chuckius was able to do it even worse.
Meanwhile, the "Roman way of life" kept winning hearths and sould to the cause of the Roman culture. Thus, the Barbarians who turned to the culture of Rome rose by thousands. To make a celebration of that, and to prove the good faith of Rome, Chuckius annhhilated the last Cartaginian army on the Peninsula and sold the prisioners as slaves.
Then he sent a message to Cartago which just read:
-Sons of Rome! You, who do not walk in four legs like me! You, who are not as furrier as I am! You all, I say, are a butch of son of a canis!
The burst of happy laughing which followed this statement filled the field.
-To those who are not that, I'm going to give them the chance to become a rael son of a canis! Legions! Close ranks! For Rome! For the Repulic! Forward! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!
There the legions started the most spectacular battle of all times, with the most subtle tactic ever used. If Hannibal had outflanked them over and over again, if Pirro had surrounded them to attack from behind, if Phillipus had used the legs of his phalangist to move around the enemy army to attack in its weak point, and if Sunt Tzu had proved that the strongest army is the one with the clever general, Chuckius Norris made a fool of all of them.
He saw where the enemy was the strongest and where is own army was the weakest. Thus, he charged full ahead to the strongest redoubt of the enemy...
...and wiped out of a single massive charge. Then, he kept charging until the enemy army broke and fled and the field was covered by corpses rotting, fiend and friend alike. Chuckius there won his fame as a outstanding General
... and as a psychopatic butcher.
Finished (at least for now) the crisis, the Senators turned to his old habits: to betray each other. Quintus Fluvius Flaccus, known as Quintus "Give me da sextericus, man" accused one of his most hated enemies of being a corrupt fiend.
To Flaccus own surprise, the charges were proved right and here and there started a witch hunt which finished many promising careers in the Senate (among them, good old Flaccus's). Cleaned of that disgusting scum, the Republic emerged bright and stronger than ever, even if a black shadow had flew, for a while, over Rome.
During all these events, Secundus Nieblius kept rising in the Cursus Honorum. His good luck and his good well doing were in part the cause of his success, but it also be mentioned the kicks he recevied from his good cousin Chuckius, who kicked him to keep Secundus on the track and aware that, whatever his enemies may do to Secundus, Chuckius was able to do it even worse.
Meanwhile, the "Roman way of life" kept winning hearths and sould to the cause of the Roman culture. Thus, the Barbarians who turned to the culture of Rome rose by thousands. To make a celebration of that, and to prove the good faith of Rome, Chuckius annhhilated the last Cartaginian army on the Peninsula and sold the prisioners as slaves.
Then he sent a message to Cartago which just read:
"If you make me to go there to ask you to surrender,
you'll regret it but only a time
in the rest of your pitiful existences, and it will be forever.
Kisses and Huggies
Chuckius, the killing machine".
you'll regret it but only a time
in the rest of your pitiful existences, and it will be forever.
Kisses and Huggies
Chuckius, the killing machine".
A brilliant military mind once said: "When in doubt: CHARGE!"
Things are looking up for Rome, barbarians are settling in and the Cartagian invasion is stopped. I wonder if Cartago will except the peace proposal
Things are looking up for Rome, barbarians are settling in and the Cartagian invasion is stopped. I wonder if Cartago will except the peace proposal
A brilliant military mind once said: "When in doubt: CHARGE!"
Things are looking up for Rome, barbarians are settling in and the Cartagian invasion is stopped. I wonder if Cartago will except the peace proposal
Another brilliant mind said "Run away! Run away". But of course, Chuckius is no rabbit.
Thing fo well, but I fear that they won't last long. Chuckius has a plan of his own.
Wow, Chuck could conquer the world.
Indeed. He could. Howeve, would he? What does Chuck want? And Secundus?
Kisses and hugs back
Well with a butcher comes good meat, I hear.
And those darn carthigians needed their lessons taught
Well with a butcher comes good meat, I hear.
And those darn carthigians needed their lessons taught
Kisses and hugs back
Well with a butcher comes good meat, I hear.
And those darn carthigians needed their lessons taught
As colonel Kurtz (Apocalypsis now) would have said: he's a poet-warrior.
And I add. He's a pizza-eater-poet-warrior.
And the Carts have learnt the lesson. The question is: Has the Senate seen the writting on the wall?
It's good to see that Senators are back in the business and that they don't have to care about meaningless things, like war. What really matters is the chance for political backstabbing.
Chapter VII
The Pest of the Heroe.
The Pest of the Heroe.
“He didn't really restore the Republic, you know.” ~ Captain Obvious on Chuckius.
As Chuckius readied to use the bottoms of the Cartaginian army as the targets of the pila of his legions (no pun intended), his worst enemy stroke him at the heart: the Roman senate offered a peace treaty to Carthage, which gave to the Punic state half of Sicily. Burning rage, Chuckius found himself racing to Greece, where the Senate wanted to finish some forgotten bussiness.
It must said that Chuckius was a warrior, not a poet. This fact explains the lack of feeling of the poetic images of the letter that he sent to his cousing at the Senate:
Dear Secundus
I'm going to kill all the Senators, the bastards! (…) I'm going to rape the wives of the bastards and the daughters of the bastards and then I'll make marry them with a daltonic monkey! (...) and when I get my eyes on you...
PS: Did I say "the bastards"?
The rest of the letter is lost in the midst of times, but the results are well known. Secundus began a hurried campaign against those who had "sold Rome's honour for 30 pieces of silver". In fact, he just achieved to increase the number of enemies for his clan, something that made Chuckius quite happy, however. The paradox is explained by the simple fact that, this way, Chuckius had no friend at all in Rome. So, he wouldn't need to care who can and who cannot be killed.
Sorted out that problem, he returned to Greece in his customary way, that is, walking in a field of enemy corpses rotting in the sun, as well as some friendly dead bodies too. As Marshall Ney said, an omelette cannot exist without breaking some eggs. It's unknown if the Bravest of the Brave had Chuckius in mind when he quoted that sentence, but, had he done it, it would be quite justified, as Chuckius had no trouble of conscience when charging at the enemy.
It was during that tricky situation when a populits senator dared to go to Greece to accuse Chuckius of murder and betrayal of the Republic. Alàs, he was attacked by a wild pizza that stranggled him on the way to Chuckius' army so, when the Senate finally made up their minds, the news that came from Greece made the Senator to forgot the issue.
Last image of the late Senator Nestor Pilus Cordelium. He looked a nice buddy, don't you think?
Chuckius had given the Greeks such a beating that he could freely walk from Athens to Sparta without finding a single Greek. Well, he would have met a Greek, but he wasn't a Greek, but a Spartan called Leonidas. He and Chuckius became the best of chums, as both were impressed by the lust of blood that his rival had.
That made Leonidas to utter the following saying:
“If he was around when I was around I would've surely given him one.”
When asked about what he meant by "one", he just kicked the man who had asked him and replied:
"This is Sparta, right?"
'Where I have seen that face before', Chuckius thought...
As Chuckius readied to use the bottoms of the Cartaginian army as the targets of the pila of his legions (no pun intended), his worst enemy stroke him at the heart: the Roman senate offered a peace treaty to Carthage, which gave to the Punic state half of Sicily. Burning rage, Chuckius found himself racing to Greece, where the Senate wanted to finish some forgotten bussiness.
It must said that Chuckius was a warrior, not a poet. This fact explains the lack of feeling of the poetic images of the letter that he sent to his cousing at the Senate:
Dear Secundus
I'm going to kill all the Senators, the bastards! (…) I'm going to rape the wives of the bastards and the daughters of the bastards and then I'll make marry them with a daltonic monkey! (...) and when I get my eyes on you...
PS: Did I say "the bastards"?
The rest of the letter is lost in the midst of times, but the results are well known. Secundus began a hurried campaign against those who had "sold Rome's honour for 30 pieces of silver". In fact, he just achieved to increase the number of enemies for his clan, something that made Chuckius quite happy, however. The paradox is explained by the simple fact that, this way, Chuckius had no friend at all in Rome. So, he wouldn't need to care who can and who cannot be killed.
Sorted out that problem, he returned to Greece in his customary way, that is, walking in a field of enemy corpses rotting in the sun, as well as some friendly dead bodies too. As Marshall Ney said, an omelette cannot exist without breaking some eggs. It's unknown if the Bravest of the Brave had Chuckius in mind when he quoted that sentence, but, had he done it, it would be quite justified, as Chuckius had no trouble of conscience when charging at the enemy.
It was during that tricky situation when a populits senator dared to go to Greece to accuse Chuckius of murder and betrayal of the Republic. Alàs, he was attacked by a wild pizza that stranggled him on the way to Chuckius' army so, when the Senate finally made up their minds, the news that came from Greece made the Senator to forgot the issue.
Last image of the late Senator Nestor Pilus Cordelium. He looked a nice buddy, don't you think?
Chuckius had given the Greeks such a beating that he could freely walk from Athens to Sparta without finding a single Greek. Well, he would have met a Greek, but he wasn't a Greek, but a Spartan called Leonidas. He and Chuckius became the best of chums, as both were impressed by the lust of blood that his rival had.
That made Leonidas to utter the following saying:
“If he was around when I was around I would've surely given him one.”
When asked about what he meant by "one", he just kicked the man who had asked him and replied:
"This is Sparta, right?"
'Where I have seen that face before', Chuckius thought...