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War because of a dog? There have been worse through history 
I hear it is right next to the canon-ized.
War because of a dog? There have been worse through history
I hear it is right next to the canon-ized.
As using a lady, as we have seen...
:rofl: Great work!
Heh...What the heck is a Kurty...
That will be discovered in future chapters.
Or not...
Well, I do wonder, if Peti, some day, is commanding the legions...
What is he going to release?
By the way...
Remember to support your favorite AARs by voting in the ACAs before February 5 or Peti will go after you!
I mean, not this one, but the good AARs!
They say that Pyrrhus was a brilliant strategist, but apparently he was also a great moron. Anyone with even little sense knows that you should have armoured underwear near Nieblii.
Chapter II
The Petic War: First movements
The Petic War: First movements
The war began with bad news, as the enemy armies conquered the Luccania in lighthning attack. However, the Roman army retaliated with a even faster attack and Luscinus, commanding the 3rd Legion, used 6 cohorts to clean the Luccania from enemy armies, in a campaign where the lack of fighthing spirit by the Greek forces were the main characteristic. From this initial battles some odd messages than Luscinius received from Cornelius Rufinus have survived. The first one read:
"For Mars's sake, Luscinus, hurry, as this wicked dog swears that if you are not in the Sinus Tarentius in two days that he's going to invent a new game called baseball. He says he's in charge of the base and you of the second element, if you understand me... ".
The next one:
"Luscinus, this dog is gone nuts. He thinks that he's the new Alexander! "
Luscinus, unable to understand, just answered:
A talking dog? By Juve! What's next? Talking heads?!"
To which he was answered thus:
"A talking dog... to talk... if he just talked... he's worse than that"
The last reply from Luscinus has not been decoded yet. It just said:
D'oh!"
No one feigned surprise when, at Rome, Lucius Amelius Barbula was choosen as the new consul. However, no one, not even the Spanish Inquisition, expected what came next. Barbula suffered an odd transformation as he assumed the command of the troops at the Luccania. By that moment, the three legions placed there were not advancing, unable to overcome the hard resistance of the enemy. Then, Barbula took command of the strongest and more veteran force available, the 2nd Legion, and used the two remaining legions, under Publius Cornelius Rufinus and Fabius Luscinus to cover his flanks and as a kind of 'mobile' reserve.
The night before the main advance begun, some odd cries were heard from the cubiculum where Barbula slept:
-For Venus' sake, please, don't bite my genitalia!
On the next morning, 18,000 perplexed Roman legionnaires, saw Barbula addressing to them with a big furry dog by his side. However, it wasn't Barbula who gave the speech, but the dog, who, dressed as a primipilus, looked at the Roman general with a bemused expression before beginning to talk, to many's surprise. Not, of course, because a dog was talking, but because his words almost make sense. At least, more than the ones from the previous commander.
Primus, during the address
"Romans! Legionnaires! Sons of the Blessed City in the world!
Perhaps you don't know me yet, but perhaps you've seen me in some AARs like...
(a whisper is heard among the ranks) "What the fog?"
(Peti, covering his face, visible dissapointed)... I told Kurty that he should do more advertising...
(a whisper is heard among the ranks) "What the frog?"
(Peti, jumping as he had being possesed by a jumping devil) ...but I know who I am -it goes without saying...- and I know what I want! And I want it now! And I want it all!
(Freddy Mercury and all the Queen band) "Hey, you fat dog! That base belongs to us!"
(Peti, pointing at them) "I want those crucified right now, all but the one with big teeth. I want that one send to the engineers. He'll be great opening siege trenches with those teeth.. (turning to Barbula) I'm not fat! Just a big... well, I've a strong body, I've not?"
(Barbula, sweatign under Primus Nieblus's gaze, as it could not be no dog but him): "not at all, not at all!!!!".
(Primus, with a doggy smile on his furry face) "You're wise indeed, my dear Barbie". (Turning to the Roman soldiers) "Sons of Rome! Sons of your mothers! What I want! Are you asking yourself what I want?!?!?!"
(la legionnaire voice) "Not really, but if you insist..."
(Primus, rising his huge nose to the sky) I want to give such a beating to those pesky Greeks that have dared to say that his moussaka is better than our pizza! What are you, Roman soldiers or pussy cats?!?!?!"
(All the legions at the same time) "Pussy cats!"
(Primus, covering his dissapointment with a fart) "Take it easy... even teaching Kurty to write took a bit of time..."
Even after this small event, the legions began his march that very day. No enemy resistance was found, so they reached Ager Bruttius quite unmolested. Primus send them a letter to show them the way things were going to be:
"Dear Agerobruttians, heartofironians all
I'm Primus Nieblii, from the Nieblii clan, the ball eaters, as the Trojans called us. In short, surrender or I'll fart in your faces! I've spoken, you choose.".
As the was no answer, Primus Nieblii ordered to begin the siege.
In that very moment, in the city under seige.
-Hi! May I speak with Mr. Pyrrhus, king of Epirus? Oh, good... glad to know to speak with you, Mr Pyrrhus... what? It isn't Mr Pyrrhus... oh, I see. ok. Mr King... I'm calling you from the Ager Bruttius... no, no... Ager Bruttius, we have nothing to do with Brittnius Spearius... no way... you see, Mr King... well, we have the Romans outside our city, asking us to surrender... We were wondering if you could spare some of your elephants and...
"For Mars's sake, Luscinus, hurry, as this wicked dog swears that if you are not in the Sinus Tarentius in two days that he's going to invent a new game called baseball. He says he's in charge of the base and you of the second element, if you understand me... ".
The next one:
"Luscinus, this dog is gone nuts. He thinks that he's the new Alexander! "
Luscinus, unable to understand, just answered:
A talking dog? By Juve! What's next? Talking heads?!"
To which he was answered thus:
"A talking dog... to talk... if he just talked... he's worse than that"
The last reply from Luscinus has not been decoded yet. It just said:
D'oh!"
No one feigned surprise when, at Rome, Lucius Amelius Barbula was choosen as the new consul. However, no one, not even the Spanish Inquisition, expected what came next. Barbula suffered an odd transformation as he assumed the command of the troops at the Luccania. By that moment, the three legions placed there were not advancing, unable to overcome the hard resistance of the enemy. Then, Barbula took command of the strongest and more veteran force available, the 2nd Legion, and used the two remaining legions, under Publius Cornelius Rufinus and Fabius Luscinus to cover his flanks and as a kind of 'mobile' reserve.
The night before the main advance begun, some odd cries were heard from the cubiculum where Barbula slept:
-For Venus' sake, please, don't bite my genitalia!
On the next morning, 18,000 perplexed Roman legionnaires, saw Barbula addressing to them with a big furry dog by his side. However, it wasn't Barbula who gave the speech, but the dog, who, dressed as a primipilus, looked at the Roman general with a bemused expression before beginning to talk, to many's surprise. Not, of course, because a dog was talking, but because his words almost make sense. At least, more than the ones from the previous commander.
Primus, during the address
"Romans! Legionnaires! Sons of the Blessed City in the world!
Perhaps you don't know me yet, but perhaps you've seen me in some AARs like...
(a whisper is heard among the ranks) "What the fog?"
(Peti, covering his face, visible dissapointed)... I told Kurty that he should do more advertising...
(a whisper is heard among the ranks) "What the frog?"
(Peti, jumping as he had being possesed by a jumping devil) ...but I know who I am -it goes without saying...- and I know what I want! And I want it now! And I want it all!
(Freddy Mercury and all the Queen band) "Hey, you fat dog! That base belongs to us!"
(Peti, pointing at them) "I want those crucified right now, all but the one with big teeth. I want that one send to the engineers. He'll be great opening siege trenches with those teeth.. (turning to Barbula) I'm not fat! Just a big... well, I've a strong body, I've not?"
(Barbula, sweatign under Primus Nieblus's gaze, as it could not be no dog but him): "not at all, not at all!!!!".
(Primus, with a doggy smile on his furry face) "You're wise indeed, my dear Barbie". (Turning to the Roman soldiers) "Sons of Rome! Sons of your mothers! What I want! Are you asking yourself what I want?!?!?!"
(la legionnaire voice) "Not really, but if you insist..."
(Primus, rising his huge nose to the sky) I want to give such a beating to those pesky Greeks that have dared to say that his moussaka is better than our pizza! What are you, Roman soldiers or pussy cats?!?!?!"
(All the legions at the same time) "Pussy cats!"
(Primus, covering his dissapointment with a fart) "Take it easy... even teaching Kurty to write took a bit of time..."
Even after this small event, the legions began his march that very day. No enemy resistance was found, so they reached Ager Bruttius quite unmolested. Primus send them a letter to show them the way things were going to be:
"Dear Agerobruttians, heartofironians all
I'm Primus Nieblii, from the Nieblii clan, the ball eaters, as the Trojans called us. In short, surrender or I'll fart in your faces! I've spoken, you choose.".
As the was no answer, Primus Nieblii ordered to begin the siege.
In that very moment, in the city under seige.
-Hi! May I speak with Mr. Pyrrhus, king of Epirus? Oh, good... glad to know to speak with you, Mr Pyrrhus... what? It isn't Mr Pyrrhus... oh, I see. ok. Mr King... I'm calling you from the Ager Bruttius... no, no... Ager Bruttius, we have nothing to do with Brittnius Spearius... no way... you see, Mr King... well, we have the Romans outside our city, asking us to surrender... We were wondering if you could spare some of your elephants and...
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You are too good
oI think I wet my pants. My gentalia are safe from everything! They are coated in thick titanium
ROFL Honestly Kurt , you definitely are the master at this XD I love it ! The part about Queen was amazingly good XD
:rofl: More brilliant humour, sir!
I was in a good mood in the moment, I must agree...
You are too good
I think I wet my pants. My gentalia are safe from everything! They are coated in thick titanium
As Peti would say,
'why bother about balls when I can go to the head"
You're too kind, sir!
Yes, I have a gift for turning everything into a parody of itself (I bet that Malcolm McDowell -1- never thought he would make such a silly cameo. If it depends on me, it won't be the last).
I must tell I was listening to my dear Freddy -We miss you a lot and we still love you- when I wrote the part of Primus saying "and I want it all". I remembered the song and... well... the rest is history, as it is said. I hope that Freddy won't be upset by this little joke
BTW, I was listening this piece of 1987
http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=RgFzN_dxpWU
from his solo album "The Rarities", vol. 3.
God save the Queen!
-1- Now I think... Dame Helen Mirren and Theresa Ann Savoy must do a cameo here, too. Well, we'll try.
Chapter III
The Petic War: The Greeks Are Coming!!!!
The Petic War: The Greeks Are Coming!!!!
The main problem that Phyrrus faced was when the Legio II conquered Tarentum, as he foudn himself without a friendly area to land his army and to have some rest before the real war began. To make it worse, the Roman navy was taking care of the Straits, so little could be done from Epirus. Meanwhile, Primus sends the navy ("We don't have the Hood (1), but I'm Primus, not Treekadictus", Primus said, as the chronicles repeat) to contest the straits and prevent Epirus from invading Rome. Once our trade routes are established, the recruiting of two more legions were began. Then, the surprise. On February 4th Carthage declares war to Epirus. It is said that Primus was stunned, but he said nothing. He just farted in surprise.
However, Primus Nieblus was indeed surprised when 30 (2) enemy galleys attacked 90 Roman ones off Tarentum. The Greeks flee before the battle did begin, so no ships ware lost on either side. However, on 10 March the enemy ships are sunk in the same location. Meanwhile, a transport fleet of Phyrrus landed an army in Tarentum. His stay there was brief, but bloody, as his commander, a Dioedas Philonid suffered. After loosing a tenth of his army, Philonid decided to settle somehwere else and run away (Monthy Python and the Graal style, you know). Primus was quite angered for that unexpected landing (no one expects the Greek inquisition?) and ordered that, while 50 ships would block the the Straits of Otranto, the damaged vessels retreat to be repaired, the remaining naval forces would be send to patrol the Mare Hadriaticum.
The Greeks, however, strike back when the Romans are going to attack Scily. This time 4,000 Greeks, leaded bu one of his best generals, Asklepiodorus "Shortiusnamesicus" Zoticid, atacan a nuestras tropas, que son aplastados por mera superioridad numérica. The battle is bloody, and Primus begins to wonder what are doing his generals with their briains. A third legion is recruited in Rome and given to Claudius Caudex. For the third time Primsu prepares the invasion of Scily, and then Carthage goes out of the war for good amount of gold. They've done nothing and they go rich... What the...
Once the Greeks know that the suffered beating comes from the orders of a dog, begin a disgusting campaign to increase the dissent of the Roman population, as they claim that the Romans are not men, but puppies. All this jazz ends with some rioting in Rome which is make worse but some plague attacks. As most of the money is being used in the war, the effects are devastating and the Romans die by the hundreds.
Again Phyrrus lands in Tarentum, just to be defeated at a great loss for both sides. The casualties make the Legio III just a skeleton of itself, and has to be withdrawn from the battle. The complete annhilation of the invading force gives a few smiles before the enemy attacks again from Scily and goes right to Apulia. A relief army is decimated by the enemy when the legions are crossing a river and two third of the force is wiped out. Nothwistanding this, Primus managed to gather enough forces to crush the enemy and to clean the Ager Bruttius.
Then a halt of the campaign is called. It is time to repair the damage, to refill the treasury and to cook some pizzas. Then, on January 475 AUC, the Roman army strikes back! The enmy loose a third of his army in the third battle of Apulia and then, when their forces are on the loose, the Greeks accept a peace that Primus almost forgot when it was proposed.
Darn...
Rome gets the Ager Bruttius plus to pay 1 tribute per month, which won't take place for long and will give Rome an excuse to attack them a second time. Pleased, Primus, erm, the Senate accepts the peace.
Barbula is given the command of the new province, but Primus es the one in command. He's now a legend, as no dog -and few men- had managed to gather so many victories so far. But he doesn't forget the stillgoing war with Epirus and the Senate decide to send gifts to the Aetolian League in the hopes of gaining an ally to stab Epirus in the back.
On March 15th 475 the enemy fleet is annhilated off Syracuse, loosing 20 of his ships. The Roman navy controls the straits. It's time to conquer Scily. Then Aetolia grants us military access.
Primus smiles. I's time to have fun.
(1) It goes without saying that the Historians are lost about this name.
(2) Diving by ten is a good idea to know the real numbers.
However, Primus Nieblus was indeed surprised when 30 (2) enemy galleys attacked 90 Roman ones off Tarentum. The Greeks flee before the battle did begin, so no ships ware lost on either side. However, on 10 March the enemy ships are sunk in the same location. Meanwhile, a transport fleet of Phyrrus landed an army in Tarentum. His stay there was brief, but bloody, as his commander, a Dioedas Philonid suffered. After loosing a tenth of his army, Philonid decided to settle somehwere else and run away (Monthy Python and the Graal style, you know). Primus was quite angered for that unexpected landing (no one expects the Greek inquisition?) and ordered that, while 50 ships would block the the Straits of Otranto, the damaged vessels retreat to be repaired, the remaining naval forces would be send to patrol the Mare Hadriaticum.
The Greeks, however, strike back when the Romans are going to attack Scily. This time 4,000 Greeks, leaded bu one of his best generals, Asklepiodorus "Shortiusnamesicus" Zoticid, atacan a nuestras tropas, que son aplastados por mera superioridad numérica. The battle is bloody, and Primus begins to wonder what are doing his generals with their briains. A third legion is recruited in Rome and given to Claudius Caudex. For the third time Primsu prepares the invasion of Scily, and then Carthage goes out of the war for good amount of gold. They've done nothing and they go rich... What the...
Once the Greeks know that the suffered beating comes from the orders of a dog, begin a disgusting campaign to increase the dissent of the Roman population, as they claim that the Romans are not men, but puppies. All this jazz ends with some rioting in Rome which is make worse but some plague attacks. As most of the money is being used in the war, the effects are devastating and the Romans die by the hundreds.
Again Phyrrus lands in Tarentum, just to be defeated at a great loss for both sides. The casualties make the Legio III just a skeleton of itself, and has to be withdrawn from the battle. The complete annhilation of the invading force gives a few smiles before the enemy attacks again from Scily and goes right to Apulia. A relief army is decimated by the enemy when the legions are crossing a river and two third of the force is wiped out. Nothwistanding this, Primus managed to gather enough forces to crush the enemy and to clean the Ager Bruttius.
Then a halt of the campaign is called. It is time to repair the damage, to refill the treasury and to cook some pizzas. Then, on January 475 AUC, the Roman army strikes back! The enmy loose a third of his army in the third battle of Apulia and then, when their forces are on the loose, the Greeks accept a peace that Primus almost forgot when it was proposed.
Darn...
Rome gets the Ager Bruttius plus to pay 1 tribute per month, which won't take place for long and will give Rome an excuse to attack them a second time. Pleased, Primus, erm, the Senate accepts the peace.
Barbula is given the command of the new province, but Primus es the one in command. He's now a legend, as no dog -and few men- had managed to gather so many victories so far. But he doesn't forget the stillgoing war with Epirus and the Senate decide to send gifts to the Aetolian League in the hopes of gaining an ally to stab Epirus in the back.
On March 15th 475 the enemy fleet is annhilated off Syracuse, loosing 20 of his ships. The Roman navy controls the straits. It's time to conquer Scily. Then Aetolia grants us military access.
Primus smiles. I's time to have fun.
(1) It goes without saying that the Historians are lost about this name.
(2) Diving by ten is a good idea to know the real numbers.
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Beware of Peti bearing gifts, for a grenade might just end up in your pants...
Good work, sir!
Good work, sir!claims that Romans arent men, but puppies..
Beware of Peti bearing gifts, for a grenade might just end up in your pants...
Peti, I'm afraid that someone got a wind of your secret plan!
Shit! Well, not really. In fact, it's more complicated and ... well. all in all, i as masteripiece worth of Machiavello
Really?
No... who do you think I am? Einstein?
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English please
Darn Peti/ancestors are gonna conquer the whole entire world before we know it.
