Perfidious Albion

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Good Morning, class, and welcome to the first of a series of lectures outlining the First Imperial age of our beloved Nation. We will be concentrating on the first 300 years following the discovery of the new world, ending with the Great Act of Union.

Before we begin, may I ask the class Comissar to take the Pledge?

" I Pledge allegiance to the Flag, and to the Crowns and Thrones over which it stands. I will fight to my last breath to defend the empire from its foes both without and within, Heretics, Anarchists, and social undesirables of all kinds. I hereby commit myself to live by the teachings of the one true faith, and to destroy any infidel who seeks to stand against it, or against its defender, My lord Richard VII, King-Emperor of Albion"

Thankyou, Joseph, you may all be seated.
Now, the purpose of this course is to point out to you why your curriculum here at Wellington, and indeed any of the other colleges here in Monterey and around the world, is set in London, and why you use the english Sovereign to buy your lunch, and why you don't speak spanish in class (or indeed have any need to learn second languages at all). Indeed I remember when the language department were executed, to keep them from transmiting their dreadful propaganda against the realm... But where was I... Yes, indeed, why we are ruled from London, and why this was historically inevitable. If you will take out your pens and listen attentively (this means you, mr Franklin, you're only two subversive actions away from a year in the correction facility, so I'd be careful if I were you...), Then we'll begin.

Our first Lecture is entitled, the establishment of Albion, and the war of Jealousy.

 

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The Establishment of Albion.

It was in the year of our lord 1492 that our great destiny was set into motion. The dynasty had fallen into indolence and disrepute and had indulged itself in excessive internecine wars. When the Lancastrian dictators were toppled by a pretender from overseas calling himself Henry Tudor, an opportunity was created. The supporters of the glorious white rose marched out from York and threw themselves into the contest at its crucial point, routing lancastrian louts and henry-come-lately from the field at the battle of chester. While Tudor wisely returned whence he came via a boat from wales, the fiendish lancastrians evaded capture and flen north, seeking sanctuary in the semi-barbaric court of the scotch.
The new King, previously a little known young princeling in the house of York, assumed the throne as Edward VII, and an uneasy peace settled over the realm.

A mere two years later, england would be plunged into war once more. Rallying men from the ever-bloodthirsty scotch, the lancastrian pretender sallied forth in a cowardly attempt to retake his throne. By clever evasion tactics, the Yorkist armies prevented him from locating them, and heroically advanced into his rear areas, gloriously butchering the assorted peasants and townsfolk they found there. While the pretender remained under the impression that he was winning the war by sitting outside the walls of newcastle scratching himself and no doubt drinking to excess, our noble troops pacified the scots tribes and deprived him of his allies. The war ended in total victory, but when asked who would be their new king, the scots could only remark that since the last time a 10000 strong diplomatic mission had visited Edinburgh, they seemed unable to locate their own royal line.

King Edward expressed sorrow at the cowardice which the kings of scotland had shown by disappearing that way, and suggested himself for the honour. The 5th scots envoy, at swordpoint, graciously accepted. Thus was the united Kingdom of Albion established. But there would be those who envied this most virtuous of nations and sought to tear it asunder with their war-mongering. The war of Jealousy was not far away...

 

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The War of Jealousy

In 1497 The kings of France and Spain (practically the same, due to their disgusting, degenerate, papist practice of marrying each other)
unable to bear the shining beacon of hope across the sea from their own dismal fiefdoms, declared war on the new kingdom of Albion.
Horrified by this attempt to solve problems by violence (and from kings, no less!) good, peace-loving king Edward chose to remain in the palace rather than sink to their level. When the herald of france knocked politely on the door of his bedchamber and presented a list of requests (from the marshal of france, presently encamped in the palace grounds) the king boldly threw off the bedcovers and signed the lot, striking a blow for peace in that violent world. He later informed his courtiers that he had never liked Calais much, and that it would be much easier to keep an eye on the french army now that they were busily occupying wessex.
This supreme strategic victory, which brought Albion such advantages over the years, was the starting point for our road to Empire.

 

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Questions, Comments?

Guys, if anyone reads this, please let me know if it's worth continuing. I have almost completed the Grand campaign on which this AAR is based, so I can keep adding entries if anyone wants them. It's designed to be a slightly dark, more than slightly comic look at a nations' rise to world domination through a programme of lucky accidents and being absolute &*£!^@ to everyone they meet (which accurately portrays what it's like playing the game for the first time on a fairly easy setting )
Also, I have assumed that the evil world empire established by 1792 is exactly that, EEEEVVVIIILLLL!! hence the content of the first post in this thread, and it's fascist overtones. I do not condone, nor encourage, etc, etc, etc. OK?

 

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More!!!

Yes, continue...it is good

 

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like it!

yes continue, just one thing tho, WHY DID YOU LET THEM TAKE WESSEX!! ARE YOU INSANE?! THAT SOUNDS LIKE WHAT THE A1 DOES. howwever i love the format and agree giving up calais was a good idea but why couldn't you drive the french from wessex? ahh well i shouldn't talk considering ive given up important ground for peace. *walks away mumbling about the spanish taking naples from him wich was his only province on the peninsula*

^damnit! that was supposed to be in small format^

 

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Definately keep going! You've got a great angle with that dark but humorous style. Looking forward to more

 

[Warspite]

good jon young your song is sung with this glorious aar, you have got to keep this up, WHY. because you have a great writing style, that brings some detail with some laughter. I enjoyed every word of it. You dont get overly detailed but give the basics, you keep it flowing with good english humor , hey by the way... is benny hill still alive over there?

amore amore

 

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Any answers.

Thankyou all. Then I will indeed post the next thrilling installment (and the true point where things begin to get interesting...)
Splangy, it really was a cunning plan. As a starting player I panicked
as those vast spanish and french armies arrived. it seemed like a small price to pay. Then I realised, free C.B. on france forever! This began a cunning plan, and an evil grin, to simultaneously spread over my head....
Warspite, nope, he's dead and gone. But we still have many fine british comedians waiting to completely confuse you colonials...
Very well. Here then is the tale of Albions return to the continent, in the chapter entitled-: 'Of Cloth, Gold, and God...'
P.S. when I finish, I'll write up some details of various important campaigns for those that want them.
*ahem*

 

[Warspite]

Ah, very good my english buddy, as i sip my american tea i anxiously await your next installment

 

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In Flanders Fields...

Following the satisfactory conclusion of the war of national survival,
matters were quiet for many years. the first half of the 16th century saw Albion slowly improving its economic position and painstakingly rebuilding a credible army (which by 1550, with the king furiously sponsouring every new 'wonder weapon' which some crackpots suggested, had become very modern). Belatedly an expedition or two left ireland and headed west to find the new world, although rumours that the king planned to move his palace there in order to avoid the french are of course nonsense...

Europe began to explode once more in 1556. In germany there was a veritable plague of religious maniacs, and so many pieces of paper were nailed to church doors that several cathedrals had to be shut down while their entrances were prised open. King Edwards Grandson, the young Henry VII watched this growing turmoil with interest. Eventually in 1558, he called the lord chancellor into his apartments and declared 'well, my chum Hannover's done it, and he says it's great. pots of cash and you can kill any priest you like. So we're all going to be Pottiepants now.' On advice from the Royal public relations office this was changed to Protestant, in order to prevent diplomats from being laughed at. The next year, 1559, a second wave of religion began, infecting as-yet-untouched areas with a sort of extremely boring, turnip eating, quiet worship which the king didn't fancy much (having changed his mind about being involved in religion when the north and scotland rose in revolt to the tune of 200000 men and a conspiracy of catholics form kent plated a barrel of gunpowder under the royal commode).

While Albion returned to security and prosperity under the new church, however, not all nations were as fortunate. France was cripple by great uprisings from below (which the King blamed on Garlic) and in the spanish netherlands the people (who had a natural affinity for being dull, wearing silly hats and eating turnips) rose in revolt. and then again, and again, in 1562,63,65,68 and 70. In the event, the Spaniards fought tooth and nail to hold on, but were simply overwhelmed, and in 1571, following a titanic final battle in Zeeland, the three remaining living dutchmen declared their independence. At this point, in a gesture of solidarity, Albion declared war on them. Three great fleets crossed the channel under cover of daylight while the french and spanish were still in shock, and almost the entire royal army landed in Zeeland and the Hague. Here they were faced by fearsome dutch oposition consisting of 1 man and his dog, all that remained of the Dutch army after the war against spain. Within a year it was done. The generals herded rebellious dutch before them as a disguise to prevent the spanish from realising that they desperately wanted to attack flanders. While the Rebels and spaniards fought to the death, a valiant english soldier snuck into the middle of Flanders market and raised the flag of Albion, so confusing the spanish that they jumped back in their ships and hauled their galleasses back where they'd come from, while the dutch were tricked into believing that this was their own new flag, and stood around cheering.

Now albion had a foothold in europe, a rich centre of trade and several prime recruiting grounds, even if they still had to pretend when talking to dutchmen that, in fact, a dutch army had landed in england and conquered the entire country, thus explaining the union without causing fresh rebellion. As an extra treat, it was discovered that the foolish prince of Hesse had been allied to Holland and was still at war, so a large army took Munster off him for being such an idiot. 6 provinces! splendid. Now, where to go next? The world, as the king was heard to remark in a jovial tone, is our Lobster...

 

[Storey]

As told by Jon Young
"The world, as the king was heard to remark in a jovial tone, is our Lobster... "

No the world is your stage and you're putting on a very good show. keep it up and now that you're in Europe things should really heat up.

Joe

 

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You betcha! Try to guess where we're headed next...it's not hard. If you could see the most recent situation (1755) it really does get interesting from here on out, although not wierd. I'd love to play a hands off game and try for wierd results, but without a home connection, I can't download the IGC
If anyone's itching for a more detailed and accurate account, feel free to petition, and I'll fish my notes out. I've been free-wheeling so far...

 

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great read! is this aar done? too bad if it is, i enjoy this type of aar

still learning the game though

 

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I like the style. I had the idea once to do something along the lines of a historical assessment of events. But this was mainly to string together an AAR from a game without notes or where the notes were too sketchy for a detailed diary.

Keep it up

BTW. Does Dutch nationalism actually go away just because another country invades them. I thought I saw someone once saying that it was only after the Edict of Tolerance that the 20% revolt risk disappears. Out of interest, it did seem to me that the game effect of Dutch nationalism is a bit severe. My recollection of history was that the Netherlands was not really independent from Spain until much later while, in the game, it is impossible to hold it for very long with the sort of rebellions you get there.

 

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Well, considering your position there are two directions that are easier than the others :
1) go on a rampage through the german principalities;
2) go after your timeless arch-ennemy, France (which is even made easier if they still have Wessex).

Btw, is Henry VII that bad a diplomat or is he just an atheist/opportunist ?

 

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Jeep, I'm not done yet, not by a Damn sight! I'm still playing the campaign in question, I'm in 1756 at the mo, the only reason I'm posting so slowly is because it's the middle of exam season
Mr De Lion ( ) You got me. I didn't expect this game to be more than a practice exercise, so I didn't keep notes...I do have all the saved game files, But I find that especially later on there are so many things to keep track of that the only way is to mention big trends and important events, like a history lecture might. The Dutch revolt chance wasn't that high, so I suppose it must have gone away, possibly due to my high tolerance for reformism...The netherlands will later prove to be almost ridiculously loyal to the crown, which is why I slipped that bit about tricking the dutch in there...given 1688 it's not that unlikely
Mr Fournier My thoughts exactly. But in my megalomaniacal state I chose a third way... Can you guess what it is? that's right!
My Henry VII is not the games Henry VII, (who should have been my first monarch) since I decided to ignore the tudors and keep the house of york. I did this because as soon as I'd conquered scotland I would have executed the stuarts, which would be a problem later on for lineages (Elizabeth died after 2 years ) *I* on the other hand, am an evil empire building opportunist, a bounder and a cad of the first water, so I took one look at the riches of the netherlands and said 'that looks nice, I'll have that...'
Next up, the Horns of a Dillemma, The first Great war of Expansion.
Stay tuned!

 

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The Horns Of A Dilemma

So, the union of Albion with the Netherlands marks the end of the first clear historical period of Albion. During this time the 'core' of the realm had been established, with the british isles and the dutch provinces. A quiet little colonial effort had resulted in sizable settlements in Newfoundland, Massachussets and Manhattan, while a new alliance, the ink hardly dry, was just being signed with hannover and Brandenburg in order to provide a strong bulwark to the newborn one true faith. Indeed the treaty has been referred to ever after as ' The load of english Bulwarks'
National security had been adequately provided for, but safety was still a paramount concern, for while Albion concentrated on the strength and skill of her armies, the effeminate french were busily playing sailors, to the tune of about 400 warships...something had to be done to prevent them taking advantage of this naval preponderance, and a council of war was called.

The idea of a landing on the french coast was mooted, but discarded when the true strength of french armies became apparent. some method of neutralising their numbers would be essential if any kind of success was to be found. Also, Hesse, the Palatinate, and Lorraine were allies of the french, and would need to be held off while the war was prosecuted. In a rare flash of brilliance, the king suggested that his councillors were 'looking at the problem in a bendy way', he proposed a counter plan of breathtaking audacity, to hold off the french on the narrow border between flanders and calais, (heavilly fortified) while launching a grand campaign to eliminate their allies one by one. This, he claimed, would enable him to personally swing round, devour masses of champagne and take thousands of frenchmen from the rear, a prospect at which he became rather over-excited. After a titanic struggle, the lord chancellor was the first to burst into giggles, and was thrown in the tower. Thoroughly sobered, the remaining council were unanimous in supporting the kings brilliant plan.

By 1580, the necessary pieces of the plan were in place. Two great field armies of 40000 men, plus many guns and a respectable contingent of horse, rested in holland and hannover, ready for the off into germany. A vast garrisson of 60000, with less abundant cavalry and artillery, occupied the newly expanded fortress of Flanders, while the entire population of southern england were ordered to wear uniform and take it in turns to stand on the cliffs facing france, to make it look like there were still troops there. They even paraded around the borders of wessex, and the production of so many fake flags and uniforms led to several bumper years for the weavers of flanders...
All was ready.

 

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Charge!!!

And so, the whistle blew, and off they went. One morning, the city watches of Pfalz and Mainz wandered up to the walls to do the early morning watch, and were confronted by thousands upon thousands of maniacal screaming troopers from the royal army bearing down on them. Towed behind them were many cannon of a size and a style that the germans had never seen before. For three weeks a savage bombardment shattered the walls, and by the time the Elector Palatine had mobilized and army, he was just in time to hand it over for political reeducation and uniform fittings for the new 'Kings German Legion' which was already beginning to sprint south into Lorraine. Meanwhile, the Moronic french king had ordered most of his army south to Marseilles, in order to wait for the english in the southern sunshine. Shaking their heads in wonder, the garrisson of Flanders took the opportunity to storm the walls of Calais and Picardie and make a separate peace with france.
When the dust settled, the Palatinate and Lorraine were in english hands, as was calais, once more. An icy stare from the general of the main field army persuaded Cologne and Kleves to hide under a table, shouting 'We're Neutral! for gods sake don't hurt us!'.
All in all, a splendid little war. and mot a peep from the UN. Badboy points be damned, I don't believe in them...
Impressed by this little show of diplomatic expertise, Hannover entered a 'wide ranging strategic treaty' with the empire of Albion, and soon their streets were ringing with stout british Hobnails...

 

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Consolidation

The empire was now in something of a precarious position. A delicate strip of territory extended from the hook of holland to the swiss alps, but was surrounded on all sides: by the french, the bitter hessians, an increasingly hostile helvetia and the princes of cologne and kleves, both of whom assumed they'd be next in line and had nothing to lose by joining any hostile alliance. something would have to be done to convert this tenuous foothold in the rhineland into a more credible strategic landholding.
The stout men of the imperial government rose well to the challenge. Brandenburg and Saxony were courted for several years, eventually growing sufficiently friendly for a grand protestant alliance of self defence to be formed. Hannover was also a member, but this was almost taken for granted as they were rapidly losing their national identity and being absorbed into the empire. Thus bolstered against any threat from germany in the east, and with the peace treaty still having a year to run, operation 'now or never' began to assemble in the new territories. Reinforcements from the netherlands joined the hardened old guard of the armies who had siezed lorraine and the palatinate, and as soon as they were in place, war was declared on the alliance of catholic princes (hesse, cologne, kleves, Helvetia). Once more the tested strategy of an offensive two front war worked well, with army group North stamping on Cologne and Kleves, while Army Group South clashed with the elite forces of the swiss in a massive pitched battle. Once their armies had been driven off, Cologne and Kleves ceased to be a threat, and covering forces were left to prevent their raising further troops whilst the main force of AGN marched on Hesse.
The success of AGN was not matched in the south, where the Alpine terrain made for hard fighting and the swiss refused to lay down and die. Over time, however, the reserves of manpower and modern weaponry possessed by the imperial troops swung the tide of battle their way and the swiss armies were very gradually crushed. When Hesse fell and was annexed, swiftly followed by Cologne and Kleves (which had held out well until the main artillery train of AGN arrived outside each of their walls in turn) the swiss were left to fight alone, and their will to resist was broken. The alliance of catholic princes was officially dissolved in January 1601, and indeed the mainly protestant populations of those principalities proved well behaved and docile.The rhineland was now firmly in Imperial hands, and relatively safe from attack, Unless...